No. Scratch that.

All BRILLIANT things come to an end.

Brilliant things of the past that have ended include "Sanford and Son," "The Manhattan Project," Joe DiMaggio's professional career, and now "Pale Force."

Yes folks, it's true. This season of Pale Force has come to an end. Now now... please... don't cry. Dry your eyes little Pale Force fans. Through the magic of the inter-webs, you can relive my adventures with that lovable scamp Conan O'Whatshisface again and again and again. In fact, our sponsors are counting on the fact that you will, and you don't want to disappoint our sponsors, do you?

That's right. I didn't think so.

But before you go and re-watch my zany adventures, I'd like to take a moment to thank all of you who have tuned in over these past two years to follow the exploits of yours truly and that lovable redheaded scamp, Richie Cunningham. Yes, Happy Days repeats are good, too, just make sure to watch Pale Force and other quality NBC programming first.

Yours in pale,
Jim

For instance, we could have had Lady Pale slip on a banana peel or perhaps have thrown a cream pie in Bea Arthur's face. Sure, we had Estelle Getty put a boot up Conan's ass, but long before boots were invented, a knee to a man's privates got the job done just as well. So even a boot to the ass isn't that old of a gag, right?

I could also have put shoe polish on a pair of binoculars, or pointed out a non-existent stain on Lady Bronze's shirt and then surprised her by flicking her chin. And speaking of fingers, I might have used two of mine to poke Betty White in the eyes, ala The Three Stooges.

So you see, "The More You Know" gag is not the oldest gag in the book. Not by a long shot. So anyone who thinks that I'm taking the easy way out in coming up with ideas can smell this (squirting) flower I have pinned to my lapel.

- Jim

Yes, you guessed it, today I want to talk about one of tv's biggest oxymorons: The Golden Girls. First of all, was Bea Arthur ever popular? I mean, sure, she gave a careful and nuanced performance in the Star Wars Holiday special and she tore it up as Mame, but... well, I guess Bea Arthur is pretty good after all, so never mind about that.

But anyway, that's not what I'm here to complain, I mean blog, about.

I want to be the first to point out this obvious fact: Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McLanahan and what's her name are not golden at all. In fact, they are three of the pastiest looking white ladies I've ever seen on TV. Who are they trying to kid? No one. That's who.

It just goes to show the insensitivity and hatred our society heaps upon the pigmentally challenged that they couldn't call this uproarious sitcom its proper name: The Pale Girls. I don't know about you, but that's a show I could sink my dentures into.

- Jim

If only I had an evil twin...

We would have so much fun together fighting each other. He'd be plotting to take over the world and I'd be coming up with ways to stop his dastardly scheming. We'd be partners in crime, only I wouldn't be the criminal - I'd be the crime stopper. That's still a partnership, isn't it? I think so.

If I had an evil twin I'd make sure to give him a tattoo when he slept so the world could tell us apart. I think I'd spell the word "evil" across his forehead. The police could use it to know which one of us to shoot when I show up to stop him from doing something really stupid, like trying to rob Fort Knox with a plastic spork.

If I had an evil twin we'd work up a comedy act and take it on the road. Here we come, Effingham, Gaffigan & Gaffigan and their pale madness review!

The show would end with him saying something really cruel and me stepping in to defend the honor of the audience that paid $89.50 a head to see us perform. I'd put my evil twin in a headlock and pound the hell out of his face. That would show him.

Man, I really wish I had an evil twin. Evil twins are awesome.

- Jim

I'd like to use this week's post for something a little different. Rather than another important life lesson, or a musing on my latest adventure, I'd like all of you to imagine a world without pale.

Go ahead. Close your eyes. Try and dream up a world where those who are pale of skin don't exist. Close them now. Go ahead. I'll be here when you get back...

...eyes open? Good.

So how'd it go? I bet you couldn't do it, could you? You just can't imagine a world without Conan or Ron Howard, can you? And without pale, you couldn't dream of a white Christmas during this holiday season.

There's an ancient Chinese philosophy. At least I think it's Chinese - I read it on a fortune cookie once. Anyway, it says there is something called "yin" and something called "yang," and one can't exist without the other. That means that white can't be possible without black, up can't exist without down, hard without soft, and so on and so forth and blah blah blah etc., etc., etc.

I urge you now in this season of peace and harmony to consider all the good that the pale of the world have given us. Remember, without pale your own existence may not be possible.

At least I think that's what the fortune cookie meant. But I never did make it to philosophy class. That, and I'm half in the bag right now.

- Jim

That's what today's "Jim's Life Lesson" is all about.

Some people I know (Conan), run away from troublemakers, but that's the last thing you want to do. Others say you should try and understand them better. And yet others will have you confront them toe-to-toe or head-to-head or whatever.

I say they're all wrong.

I would like to introduce you to a novel concept I like to call, "the path of least resistance." Since running away or gaining understanding is too much effort, and confronting them could get your face smashed, the only solution is this: find someone else to fight your battles for you!

Manipulation is a wonderful thing. For instance, I manipulate Conan to fight any number of battles for me while I sit back and do nothing. The best part is, if you do it right, you get all the credit.

So let's recap.

1) Find a sucker
2) Manipulate said sucker into fighting your battle for you
3) Take credit

It's as easy as that people. 1, 2, 3.

Until next time...

- Jim

Pale Man here with an important message today. Now usually I like to take things light, but sometimes too much "light" is a bad thing.

Take global warming, for instance.

Like it or not, our environment is the only environment we have, and if this whole global warming things catches on, then all palekind will be in serious danger.

Imagine it... a world where the pale can never leave their homes for fear that the bright light of day will tan their skin into a rich golden brown, the color of pancakes bubbling up on a grill, coated with butter and maple syrup. You know, that reminds me. They really do make a darn fine syrup in Canadatown. You should go there sometime and try it. Tell them you know me... Pale Man.

And now that I really think of it, the environment is making me hungry, so I'm going to run to the nearest diner for a short stack. I'll catch you all on the flip flop. But for now, be safe, people, and take care of our environment. Somewhere, a lonely pale person afraid to leave her home is counting on you.

- Jim

But not for him. For me.

He was driving me crazy with his incessant yapping so I decided to explore Canada's free medical care. I stepped into the clinic, which had a strangely pungent aroma, and partook of a unique Canadian "medicine."

And miracle of miracles, this strange Canadian elixir worked. Conan stopped pestering me, but I'm not sure if that was the medicine working or if it's because I totally forgot about him when I got lost in a candy store I wandered into. But regardless, it at least alleviated the pain of listening to Conan whine about the high price of Canadian bacon.

And by the way, if you ever see Conan dancing I would suggest you close your eyes and think about something more pleasant like being dipped in a vat of chocolate at a Canadian candy store.

- Jim

I can't help being so incredibly pale. I just can't. I know my paleness makes others feel bad that they aren't as pigmently challenged as I, but there's simply nothing I can do about it.

I can't help that my skin is snowy white, the beautiful shade of school glue crusting around its cap. I can't help that I project the warm, soothing, and friendly glow of a sheep trapped in a snow storm under a bright winter sun. It's not my fault that I am as beautifully color-void as a department store white sale.

These things I can't help. They are beyond my control.

If you're jealous, I completely understand. I know I would be, too. But please don't hate be a pale hater. It's the game that's t(a)inted.

Jim

When are people going to learn that nothing good ever came from robots? Sure, Rosie never maimed the Jetsons and C3PO never turned on Luke, but Rosie never vacuumed behind the couch and 3PO is a wimp, so who cares about them?

So when we get rid of the few so-called "good" robots out there, what are we left with?

* The Terminator
* Those evil things from that Will Smith movie
* How about Blade Runner replicants? I swear Deckert is one of them
* And let's not forget the evil robot doubles from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Those two pale dudes never knew what was coming.

I think I've made my point...robots are not people, too. And as I'm trapped on a robot planet with Conan, it becomes more and more apparent to me that all robots must be destroyed before they destroy us first.

Pale Man

We have arrived at the season finale of Pale Force. We hope to be back next season. A parting word of advice to all my pale friends: know what you desire before looking in the refrigerator. Pale people can be burned by looking in the refrigerator for too long.

- Jim

Next week will be the season finale of Pale Force, so start planning your party now. Think about who you want to invite, what you will wear. If you are dressing up like Conan, stick with browns and pinks for the blush, and don't overdo it with the perfume.

- Jim

My Valentine wish to you is that you open your heart to your inner paleness - and beg the media to stop talking about Anna Nicole Smith.

- Jim

- Jim

1. Drive a fuel efficient car
2. Conserve energy
3. See Jim Gaffigan live during his 30 city standup tour - visit jimgaffigan.com for cities and dates
4. Stop eating vegetables
5. E-mail four people and tell them to visit this site and watch Pale Force

Thanks,
Jim