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February 01, 04:36 PM

The Party's Over

Friends, all good things come to an end.

No. Scratch that.

All BRILLIANT things come to an end.

Brilliant things of the past that have ended include "Sanford and Son," "The Manhattan Project," Joe DiMaggio's professional career, and now "Pale Force."

Yes folks, it's true. This season of Pale Force has come to an end. Now now... please... don't cry. Dry your eyes little Pale Force fans. Through the magic of the inter-webs, you can relive my adventures with that lovable scamp Conan O'Whatshisface again and again and again. In fact, our sponsors are counting on the fact that you will, and you don't want to disappoint our sponsors, do you?

That's right. I didn't think so.

But before you go and re-watch my zany adventures, I'd like to take a moment to thank all of you who have tuned in over these past two years to follow the exploits of yours truly and that lovable redheaded scamp, Richie Cunningham. Yes, Happy Days repeats are good, too, just make sure to watch Pale Force and other quality NBC programming first.

Yours in pale,
Jim

January 15, 04:20 PM

The More You Know

It was recently pointed out to me that "The More You Know" gag is one of the oldest ones in the book. I take great umbrage with this assertion because there are gags that are way, way older.

For instance, we could have had Lady Pale slip on a banana peel or perhaps have thrown a cream pie in Bea Arthur's face. Sure, we had Estelle Getty put a boot up Conan's ass, but long before boots were invented, a knee to a man's privates got the job done just as well. So even a boot to the ass isn't that old of a gag, right?

I could also have put shoe polish on a pair of binoculars, or pointed out a non-existent stain on Lady Bronze's shirt and then surprised her by flicking her chin. And speaking of fingers, I might have used two of mine to poke Betty White in the eyes, ala The Three Stooges.

So you see, "The More You Know" gag is not the oldest gag in the book. Not by a long shot. So anyone who thinks that I'm taking the easy way out in coming up with ideas can smell this (squirting) flower I have pinned to my lapel.

- Jim

January 08, 03:11 PM

Thank You For Being A Friend

Thank you for being a friend, Pale Readers.

Yes, you guessed it, today I want to talk about one of tv's biggest oxymorons: The Golden Girls. First of all, was Bea Arthur ever popular? I mean, sure, she gave a careful and nuanced performance in the Star Wars Holiday special and she tore it up as Mame, but... well, I guess Bea Arthur is pretty good after all, so never mind about that.

But anyway, that's not what I'm here to complain, I mean blog, about.

I want to be the first to point out this obvious fact: Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McLanahan and what's her name are not golden at all. In fact, they are three of the pastiest looking white ladies I've ever seen on TV. Who are they trying to kid? No one. That's who.

It just goes to show the insensitivity and hatred our society heaps upon the pigmentally challenged that they couldn't call this uproarious sitcom its proper name: The Pale Girls. I don't know about you, but that's a show I could sink my dentures into.

- Jim

December 18, 06:53 PM

Evil Twins

Dearest Friends of Pale -

If only I had an evil twin...

We would have so much fun together fighting each other. He'd be plotting to take over the world and I'd be coming up with ways to stop his dastardly scheming. We'd be partners in crime, only I wouldn't be the criminal - I'd be the crime stopper. That's still a partnership, isn't it? I think so.

If I had an evil twin I'd make sure to give him a tattoo when he slept so the world could tell us apart. I think I'd spell the word "evil" across his forehead. The police could use it to know which one of us to shoot when I show up to stop him from doing something really stupid, like trying to rob Fort Knox with a plastic spork.

If I had an evil twin we'd work up a comedy act and take it on the road. Here we come, Effingham, Gaffigan & Gaffigan and their pale madness review!

The show would end with him saying something really cruel and me stepping in to defend the honor of the audience that paid $89.50 a head to see us perform. I'd put my evil twin in a headlock and pound the hell out of his face. That would show him.

Man, I really wish I had an evil twin. Evil twins are awesome.

- Jim

December 11, 07:21 PM

A World Without Pale

My Dearest Readers In Pale,

I'd like to use this week's post for something a little different. Rather than another important life lesson, or a musing on my latest adventure, I'd like all of you to imagine a world without pale.

Go ahead. Close your eyes. Try and dream up a world where those who are pale of skin don't exist. Close them now. Go ahead. I'll be here when you get back...

...eyes open? Good.

So how'd it go? I bet you couldn't do it, could you? You just can't imagine a world without Conan or Ron Howard, can you? And without pale, you couldn't dream of a white Christmas during this holiday season.

There's an ancient Chinese philosophy. At least I think it's Chinese - I read it on a fortune cookie once. Anyway, it says there is something called "yin" and something called "yang," and one can't exist without the other. That means that white can't be possible without black, up can't exist without down, hard without soft, and so on and so forth and blah blah blah etc., etc., etc.

I urge you now in this season of peace and harmony to consider all the good that the pale of the world have given us. Remember, without pale your own existence may not be possible.

At least I think that's what the fortune cookie meant. But I never did make it to philosophy class. That, and I'm half in the bag right now.

- Jim

December 05, 05:17 PM

Jim's Life Lesson

Call them hecklers, call them bullies, call them troublemakers, or just call them a bunch of good-for-nothing @#!&%@s, they must be dealt with and dealt with severely.

That's what today's "Jim's Life Lesson" is all about.

Some people I know (Conan), run away from troublemakers, but that's the last thing you want to do. Others say you should try and understand them better. And yet others will have you confront them toe-to-toe or head-to-head or whatever.

I say they're all wrong.

I would like to introduce you to a novel concept I like to call, "the path of least resistance." Since running away or gaining understanding is too much effort, and confronting them could get your face smashed, the only solution is this: find someone else to fight your battles for you!

Manipulation is a wonderful thing. For instance, I manipulate Conan to fight any number of battles for me while I sit back and do nothing. The best part is, if you do it right, you get all the credit.

So let's recap.

1) Find a sucker
2) Manipulate said sucker into fighting your battle for you
3) Take credit

It's as easy as that people. 1, 2, 3.

Until next time...

- Jim

November 20, 03:58 PM

Global Warming

Dear fans of the environment,

Pale Man here with an important message today. Now usually I like to take things light, but sometimes too much "light" is a bad thing.

Take global warming, for instance.

Like it or not, our environment is the only environment we have, and if this whole global warming things catches on, then all palekind will be in serious danger.

Imagine it... a world where the pale can never leave their homes for fear that the bright light of day will tan their skin into a rich golden brown, the color of pancakes bubbling up on a grill, coated with butter and maple syrup. You know, that reminds me. They really do make a darn fine syrup in Canadatown. You should go there sometime and try it. Tell them you know me... Pale Man.

And now that I really think of it, the environment is making me hungry, so I'm going to run to the nearest diner for a short stack. I'll catch you all on the flip flop. But for now, be safe, people, and take care of our environment. Somewhere, a lonely pale person afraid to leave her home is counting on you.

- Jim