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Alright, another one of my favorite aspects of these talent shows is when the remaining contestants get to go back to their hometown as heroes and "make Momma proud!" Not like this guy so much. The one with the dog-toy nose.

Or this guy, the "Who wants to look up my nose like a periscope and stare into my thoughts?" guy.

And then of course there's this, ahem, "stud"

......... who Bedazzled his face.

And I thought I was taking a risk with a "mustache tattoo". This was with last year's contestants at Tootsie's



Anyway, I digest, so the final four have become the final 3. This week we lost Coffey, and I'll admit, that I was into him at first, then he got a little stale and then at the end I warmed back up again but that was probably because he was finally voted off. But how can you dislike such a positive, nice, and gracious soul? Truly a class act, but I agreed with John Rich, I just don't see him as a Nashville Star.

Another cool thing they did this episode was to have put on a concert in each hometown to raise money to assist kids who need to drop out of high school, but just can't afford it. Every year thousands of musical geniuses are way too smart for high school, and yet forced to stay in. This program helps them drop out early enough to get to their true calling of making music. Drop outs like these

* Bryan Adams
* Christina Aguilera
* Billie Joe Armstrong
* Louis Armstrong
* Fantasia Barrino
* Shirley Bassey
* Beck
* The Bee Gees
* Irving Berlin
* Bo Bice
* Clint Black
* Mary J. Blige
* Michael Bolton
* Sonny Bono
* David Bowie
* Michelle Branch
* Bushwick Bill
* Glen Campbell
* Ray Charles
* Cher
* Eric Clapton
* Kurt Cobain
* Joe Cocker
* Phil Collins
* Perry Como
* Elvis Costello
* Roger Daltrey
* Bo Diddley
* Céline Dion
* Thomas Dolby
* Steve Earle
* Duke Ellington
* Eminem
* Mark Oliver Everett
* Jose Feliciano
* Ella Fitzgerald
* Peter Frampton
* Aretha Franklin
* Jerry Garcia
* Marvin Gaye
* Boy George
* George Gershwin
* Benny Goodman
* Macy Gray
* Dave Grohl
* Woody Guthrie
* Merle Haggard
* George Harrison
* John Lee Hooker
* Fiona Horne
* Lena Horne
* Janis Ian
* Natalie Imbruglia
* Wolfman Jack
* Jay-Z
* Billy Joel
* Elton John
* Rickie Lee Jones
* Tom Jones
* Chaka Khan
* Kid Rock
* B.B. King
* Eartha Kitt
* Gladys Knight
* Avril Lavigne
* Little Richard
* Don Omar
* Brian Littrell
* LL Cool J
* Courtney Love
* Loretta Lynn
* Shirley Manson
* Chan Marshall
* Dean Martin
* Natalie Merchant
* George Michael
* Liza Minnelli
* Van Morrison
* Nelly
* Wayne Newton
* Sinéad O'Connor
* Kelly Osbourne
* Ozzy Osbourne
* Charlie Parker
* Tom Petty
* Sam Phillips
* Prince
* Otis Redding
* Busta Rhymes
* Axl Rose
* Ja Rule
* Scarface
* Seal
* Frank Sinatra
* Scott Stapp
* Ringo Starr
* Donna Summer
* James Taylor
* Randy Travis
* Tanya Tucker
* Steven Tyler
* Stevie Ray Vaughan
* Barry White
* Hank Williams
* Tammy Wynette
* Neil Young

So as you can see, the statistics are pretty overwhelming that if you want to be successful in the music business, you better drop out of school. (This opinion is in no way supported by NBC or it's affiliates and is intended solely for the use of irony)

This week my buddies and I decided to turn this episode into a drinking game. I've played drinking games to TV shows before, like having to drink whenever they say "who" in "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" Or watching Zane Lamprey's Three Sheets.

Only this week we decided to do it every time Shawn Mayer bit her tongue. Here's the results in chronological order















And let me tell you, that's a tough drinking game! Which is why I felt like this the next day.



So first up we get to see Shawn Mayer go back to May City, Iowa, with one paved road and a population of 46 where they pulled out all the stops and dedicated quite the ornate and semi-permanent sign for her!



I'm sure she was like, "Whoa, is that plywood!!! And a 4 color screen-sign?!?! You really shouldn't have gone to that much trouble to represent our town on national television!" And I'm not sure of that NEXT THREE EXITS -> sign either. That looks like someone put it up last night to make the town look bigger. I'll bet the paint's still wet. Why would 46 people need 3 exits? Now if my math is correct, that means 15 and 1/3rd person live at each exit. Which would look like this. Do you know how hard it is too find a picture with 15 1/3rd people?

Again, I consider Shawn the one to be making leaps and bounds as we near the finish line. Both performances were signed, sealed and delivered with her authenticity and if it wasn't for the fact that Gabe has a much broader appeal to the country audience, she could provide an upset with her performances.

Speaking of Gabe, he traveled back to Lytle TX to what would appear to be the largest of the crowds. 10,000 strong is pretty compelling! They also chose to forego the plywood and go ahead and give him a Key to the City and a parade in his honor!



What kid doesn't one day dream of getting the key to the city? From there he acknowledged his departed father's 14 years of civic service and dedicated the key to him. That'll bode well with his audience and anyone with a pulse. Performance-wise he's one of the most consistent, and he continues to pick songs that accentuate his positives. He's cowboy through and through. I did like Jewel acknowledging that he doesn't over-sing, ever.

John Rich said that Gabe can bridge a gap to the hispanic community, but that'll never work because Congress has already considered a $30 billion dollar wall to keep most of them out, so he'd be up against the federal government on that one.



Jewel said she identified with Gabe because she comes from a small fishing town in Alaska. I'm not sure what that means, but as you can see, that's obviously where you catch the biggest rainbow trout. (Couldn't resist)



The final performance song for Coffey ended up being the incredibly appropriate nail in the coffin performance that I'd expect from him, with his banal rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama". An nteresting interpretation of the song, but still, very ordinary in the big picture. He also got quite a warm LA welcome and even a star on the walk of fame!



Next we headed to Arlington, TX for Melissa Lawson's return, and I gotta tell you, she is as real as it gets. And yes, Arlington can afford a Key to the City as well! So if you are keeping track, we have 2 keys to the city, a parade, a star on the walk of fame and some plywood. I will say, that when they asked someone from May City, IA why they didn't give Shawn a key to the city, their answer made perfect sense. They said, "Cuz, it's never locked anyway!"



I will say she looks good with her hair straightened and she continues to blast those pipes of hers. My only complaint would be that I don't want to hear Pat Benatar..........ever. Here's a crazy idea, how about a country song, or more originals?

I have to give her credit because after her first song Jeffrey tells her to tone it down and then on her next performance she came out and paid no attention to his advice whatsoever and belted it out again with "Jesus Take the Wheel"

I do like her for being so real. Did you see her get out of the limo with her baby on her hip? That's great. I will say that as much as I like drinking, I didn't think it was right for her to allow those kids to attack the limo mini bar though.



Sadly she might be too real for the music business. I think that's what John Rich was referring to when he questioned why she wants to win. I'm pretty sure she solidified alot of votes with her answer though. Because she said "it would change not only my life, but the lives of my children (hubby's already out of the picture) and as a mother that's my responsibility!" Good for you, gal! I even cheered on that one. Genuine, thought out and rational. It wasn't like Miss Teen South Carolina's answer (http://helptheiraq.ytmnd.com ).

Which wasn't much different than the blathering of Shawn after elimination time started. She said after advancing, and I quote, that "I'm not only making this dream come true for me, but I'm making it come true for anyone who's ever had a dream." That's a pretty big undertaking. Might wanna put some restrictions on those dreams. I mean uh, I had a dream. In fact I had a dream last night with her in it, and I'm positive it didn't come true. But it's the thought that counts!

Her rendition of "The Dance" by Garth was truly moving and John Rich really nailed it when she said she's the Most Improved Player of the past 10 weeks. She's poised to battle to the end.

So it's down to Coffey and Gabe, and this is a no-brainer; which is what scared me. Of course before elimination they ask him how he feels to be up against Gabe? What kind of question is that? And can't we dress the poor guy accordingly? How do you think he feels? Um, Gee I don't know, I'd say nervous since I can grow rice in my armpits right now. But again a class act all the way. I do look forward to hearing more from him. Just not on this show



And as he waves good bye, I do as well. One more week folks and we find out who the new Nashville Star is! I will say this is probably the closest finish I've ever seen in the history of the show. Gabe's got the slight lead, but it's any one of theirs to win.

As usual leave a message at the beep. (BEEP)

I, like most country music fans, have been chomping at the bit to get to ORIGINALS night, because this is what separates country from other genres of music. The "realness". There's only one John Prine. There's only one Hayes Carl. There's only one Todd Snider. There's only one Robert Earl Keen. You get the picture. And of course, there's only one Willie Nelson. By the way, did you hear what he had to say about turning 75? He said he's outlived his rooster. And I'm paraphrasing that a little. But country music has always been about the common man. Rap music has always been about degrading women and extravagance. And Polka music has always been annoying. So originals night was a complete surprise to me!! Every song was way better than I expected. So let's get to 'em!

First up we had Coffey. I'm as stunned typing it, as he was when they announced it. Whaaaat? Really? C'mon. I still feel he doesn't belong this far in the competition, and I certainly have trouble believing he's better that Ashlee but this probably falls into the disclaimer of real small text they flash at the end of the show. Nonetheless, the performance was pretty good, but to go on song strength, his was the weakest. I agreed with Jeffrey when he said it was "novelty" because I hate when people just put a bunch of random country adjectives together. Like there's some kind of checklist of words that you have to have.

"Trucks?" "Fishing?" "Grits?.........Where's Grits? This can't be a country song without grits, people."

Also he mentioned a Dodge in the song and this show is sponsored by Toyota, and you could feel the sponsorship liaison grimace at that one. But it was a catchy enough tune and it was true to who he is, so I guess I have to swallow my grits and move on.

Fade me out..............Fade me out...................Fade me out.........

The rest of the songs were solid enough to be shipped to country radio tomorrow. When I say that I mean after they have been cut by an established artist. Case in point. I worked a single to radio called "Wrapped" by Bruce Robison. If you've never heard the album, please don't consider yourself a country fan. Anyway we couldn't even get it to chart because Bruce was too new, but it had nothing to do with the song. Fast forward a few years and King George Strait cuts it and releases it to be his 55th #1. And I believe all of those songs after Coffey had the potential to be cut by an established artist in country today, and they would be a hit. Coffey's could be cut by Colt Ford and not be a hit.

Next we had Melissa Lawson dressed like a Zebra, but making another stellar impression with the crowd. Kinda funny too because her song is called "Ready To Stand" which is the same as the signs someone must hold up at the live tapings, because it is sooooooo annoying to watch an audience be coaxed into standing when they don't want to, but that's the slight of hand that TV uses to make it look more dramatic. The same way there is always hot chicks behind the judges.

Anyway, Melissa continues to showcase why she's the vocal powerhouse of the show. They say some folks can't carry a tune in a bucket. Take me for example, I like to drink and I like to sing, but I've found that most people would rather listen to me drink than sing. If Melissa can carry a tune in a bucket, I think it would be this one John Rich keeps telling her to "stay in focus" which I guess means John needs to see the optometrist

The lowlight of the show turned out to be the judges performances. I was so looking forward to this, and I thought they were OK as performances go, but when you spend 6 weeks ripping people apart, you better be as FLAWLESS as you expect, and there were certainly flaws. (Jewel's legs were none of them though). She's guilty of the same "vocal acrobatics" that she chastised Coffey for in the beginning. It was painful to the ears and I love Jewel. Next we had Jeffrey Steele doing a few of his songs and this was ok, but again, I'm expecting to be blown away. But he's more of a writer than performer. Well that's not true, because he was in Boy Howdy, sporting a righteous mullet.

Next was John Rich and....oh....would you look at the time, I better get moving on to the winner.

Gabe Garcia shows no signs of slowing up. His song "Lost Weekend" is a smash. Chesney or Strait would take that song to number one quickly, and it might even be strong enough to break Gabe at radio, but I doubt it.

Poor Ashlee Hewitt, she sings a great original and then gets tossed off the show. And I told you that was a hickey! I want a writing credit on that Mike's Hard Lemonade song. But don't worry about her, there are already rumblings that she has a record deal in the works with a guy named Bugs, and at the very least they should be in contract negotiations with Mike's Hard Lemonade for at least a year (which is when she turns 21).

And Ladies and Gentleman, on the outside making her stride to the finish line like a true dark horse is Shawn Mayer! Skirting and flirting in the bottom a few times now, she might be playing this thing right, because I think it could come down to her and Gabe possibly. An outstanding song and one that you could hear on the radio today.

So in summation, Contestants - 4 out of 5 stars

Judges - 1 out of 3 stars

As always leave a message at the beep (BEEP)

Why Crack? Because there seemed to be a running theme throughout the show with John Rich making a crack about not wanting to crack on another artist, then Jewel said she liked the way Ashlee used the crack in her voice, and then finally because America must be on crack to keep Coffey in this competition, but more on that later. This week the show is themed around

Love songs

Ahhh. Amore. Doesn't that sound nice? And isn't this the cutest picture?

There's love, and then there's Elephant Love.

This week each contestant explained what song they were going to sing and why, and I liked that angle. It was a cool way to set the songs up. First up we had Ashlee Hewitt who performed the Dixie Chicks tune "Cowboy Take Me Away" which was a daring song to do, because I don't know if you know this or not, but the Dixie Chicks are pretty polarized in the country community.

I've never seen the country more divided on them. Some people were smashing their cd's and calling 'em traitors, others defended them and said "freedom of speech". I think I speak for the rest of the nation when I say, "Is she the fat one?" I only say that to accentuate the irony that I am exercising my free speech. Actually I really like the Dixie Chicks, and oh yeah in retrospect they were right. Now back to the show.

So Ashlee intros the song by saying she's "never been in love"

and then they break to a shot of her playing guitar. And then they come back and she has a hickey on her neck?

I was like, I think you found love. I think you found love with the camera man during a commercial or something. Don't they have make up people or at the very least a turteneck?

Anyway, she had a pretty good performance and you can tell that she puts her stamp on whatever she does. I believe John Rich may be right about her being in the finals. The judges and crowd all liked her performance and Jewel said she liked how Ashlee was "working the crack" . Stipulations in my contract with NBC keep me from further expounding or pounding on that one.

Next according to Katie Cook was the moment we were all waiting for......................yes..................I'm
waiting.............................what could it be?............. Oh the anticipation.............................The number 1 Splashdown on American Gladiators!!

What?! Did I sit on the remote? I thought I was watching Nashville Star? Is that what's next in TV? It's not bad enough they have a litany of ads promoting other shows on the bottom and in commercials, that now they have to mix the two? I've heard of piggy backing shows but c'mon.

By the way, I got to meet and have a few drinks with Wolf, he's the one on the top left. Real nice guy. He pee'd on my leg, but still a real nice guy.

Up next is the winner of the competition, Gabe Garcia. His song choice is Billy Currington's "Must Be Doing Something Right" and he dedicated it to his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with to chase his dream. She sounds pretty supportive, so I don't blame him. HIs performance was damn near flawless and for a minute it felt like I was watching a show about country music, so I guess they'll have to fix that. Speaking of fixing things, did you see the old pervert in the audience with a heart shaped sign that said "Gabe the Babe"?

Creeeeeepy.

Oh look, there's Lonestar in the crowd. I bet that was uncomfortable. Did you know that John Rich used to be in Lonestar? Yep up until 1997.

In fact, there's a funny story that someone asked Lonestar if they ever get in fights with each other anymore, and they said, "We haven't had a fight since 1997" Coincidence? Probably not.

Next we had an overdramatic, and underwhelming performance by Coffey. Honestly, why is he still on the show? His voice is thin, and that ridiculous vibrato makes it sound like he's singing with a paint shaker strapped to his back. Even Toby Keith is like, "Damn he sounds like a goat!"

And don't think I'm not sensitive to losing a parent, because I lost my Mom to cancer a year ago, and he has my unending sympathy, but I don't think he should be allowed to miss lyrics. I did like the vulnerability to a degree, but it's weird how some people deal with death. Some folks hide away to a secret spot to mourn, while others, choose to start the healing process on national television. Nonetheless, the judges bought into the performance and somehow he stays alive.

Up next was Melissa Lawson staying true to her modus operandi and happily and blissfully singing to her husband the very appropriate song "My Baby Loves Me Just The Way That I Am" and putting the size in emphasizing her weight. Her performance was pretty good, but I think she got a bad critique for "over-singing" when in reality she was over- facialing her expressions.

She's got the goods and the confidence, she didn't need to oversell the facial expressions. John Rich said he would never sign off on that performance in the studio. Hey John, you're not in the studio. If you were, you could just press the red button and say, "Let's try that again without all the facial expressions"

Eerily looks like Sam Kinison in this one.

And now unfortunately it's elimination time. Shawn Mayer versus Laura and Sophie.

Laura and Sophie were up first looking very mature and cute with their knee high boots and they sang "Picture To Burn" which I thought was completely appropriate, because they "had a boyfriend and he like, totally ruined our relationship for like 6 months and I was like, OMG relationships come and go but friends are foreverrrrrr." Yeah, and I'm like, totally gonna throwup.

The performance was lame, and all the judges may have been mentally getting up and getting a hotdog because as far as they are concerned it's over for the cupcakes. John Rich foregoes any critique at all and questions braceless on why she would disrespect Jewel by rolling her eyes on the last show, which you can see a picture of in my previous blog. But her explanation was the best! This is what she said, "Honestly I didn't know I even did it, but afterwards I talked to some people and I was like "what?" and they were like "Yeah." Thanks for that explanation, that clears everything up. I did lose some respect for Jewel though, because she doesn't sit well in the kiss the ring position.

And I thought she came across as self indulgent. And she better be careful, because Sophie looks like she'd throw down in a cat fight.

Did you see her forcing that smile? No Oscar nomination there.

And then when they got booted she was asked if she had anything to say, and I wanted her to thank everyone and then turn to Jewel and say, "Meet me behind the cafeteria after school, bitch, and I'll claw your eyes out!"

Of course it really wouldn't be a blog if I didn't acknowledge Billy Ray Cyrus' handiwork. Let's all take a moment and thank Katie Cook. Did you hear him tell everyone, "I'm going off the teleprompter here....." Thanks for the heads-up there. As if anyone couldn't tell with those smooth transitions of yours. It's like going from boobs to an Adam's apple on the same person.

Speaking of boobs, and I don't mean John Rich, Shawn Mayer looked and sang great! Fantastic song choice, really working the camera with her eyes, a little too much emphasis on posturing and not as much on the singing, but still a great performance.

I really enjoyed this episode and look forward to next week's ORIGINALS.

As always, leave a message at the beep (BEEP)

It was Double Elimination Week, which means you get to see twice the slice, at the half the price!

contestants were axed this week and they got it done in half the time. Kicking off this week's show was Sailor Tommy being...uh......kicked off this week's show. It came down to him or Melissa, and America made him walk the plank.

Gave him the boot!

Sent him straight down to Davy Jones' locker!

And I'm bummed because I never got a chance to use this Navy picture yet!

(Bonus points if you caught the pun).

So it came down to Melissa getting the most votes, and she proved why again this week. Another stellar performance. She's shedding pounds and making fans, and I'm one of them. At first I was like, "token big girl on the show", but every week she continues to deliver solid, sensible material. It's like she's taking the same approach to eating as she is to singing and has managed to turn a singing competition into one heck of a diet. She's lost like 70 lbs! "I have a rehearsal for breakfast, and a rehearsal for lunch, and then a sensible song on Monday" And she's the real winner here, because no one's cheering louder than her arteries! I think that's why she's getting so many votes, because she's inspiring folks.

Next we had a well telegraphed Hannah Montana joke, and you know, throughout the show we can all make criticisms of what we think is talent and what we think is crap, but I'm sure we can we all agree that Billy Ray Cyrus is a terrible host. No one looks more disingenuous, unnatural and awkward than he does and he doesn't improve at all. Why doesn't he get judged every week?

After that we had the melt down of the season so far. I predicted problems with them early in my blog and I can't believe they are coming true. The cupcakes aren't happy.

Laura and Sophie had a complete meltdown this week, and from what I could see it was all the youngster Sophie's doing? I felt sorry for Laura, because she looked like she was trying to hold it together pretty well. It was weird to have that rift presented to us and then to have them come out and sing. I wasn't sure if they were going to fight it out during the song or what. It was like Jerry Springer set to music! I did like in the beginning, that Laura gave Sophie a reassuring look while they were holding hands and singing. They aren't too young to sing, but they are too young to dance.

Whoa! Did you see that? We had an "unnecessary famous person sighting" with Lisa Loeb in the crowd. That's just in case you were wondering what the hell happened to Lisa Loeb. Does anyone in country know who Lisa Loeb is? What about Nine Stories? Wow, where'd I pull that from? I guess they do that to boost ratings? Does it work? I think I'm going to start doing that with my blog. When we come back, I'll let you know how Gabe did, but first I'll just randomly let you know that Henry Winkler just walked-in to watch me blog.

Still the front runner to win the show, Gabe Garcia continues to slay. This time he took dance lessons and before I could make fun of him, it actually helped his performance. He looked way more comfortable and it showed! Great camera work to sell it.

Before we get to see Shawn Mayer sing, we had another "unnecessary famous person sighting" with Jared Carter in the crowd. And like you and me, and Google, and Wikipedia....no one knows who Jared Carter is, but everyone agrees he has a great publicist.

Shawn Mayer stepped it up a notch and probably made quite a few fans this week by firing John Rich.

Not only that, but she gave an awesome, sexy, sultry, and COUNTRY delivery of Sheryl Crow's "The First Cut Is The Deepest" She sold it, and genuinely looked like an artist up there.

Next we had the part of the show that I couldn't have disagreed with more. How in the world did Coffey make it this week? Is involved here? It's hard for me to say this, but I agree with John Rich. This guy is not country. And then to do "Proud Mary"?! That's like the most cliche' song ever. That's like asking a blues band to play "Mustang Sally", or yelling "Freebird" at a country bar. I can't believe he made it this far. I will say that John Rich was a little dramatic to ask Coffey if he could open for Keith Urban with that performance. C'mon John, do you know who is opening up for Keith Urban? Yeah, Carrie Underwood and YOU couldn't come close to filling those stilettos either.

The final 2 contestants are next, but first, look at what famous person is reading my blog?

And how sad is it to look at the screen and have to pick between Ashlee Hewitt and Pearl Heart? They both get to perform at least, and it started with Ashlee singing Steve Miller's classic "Take the Money and Run". She admitted that she had never heard the song before, and the judges should have kicked her off on the spot for such musical sacrilege. Unfortunately you could tell she never heard the song because the performance felt so disconnected with accents on words where they shouldn't be.

And what's with Nashville Star having a foot fetish?

Didn't we go through that with Shy Blakeman?

Finally we had an all too familiar theme with the contest, "too little too late." Because Pearl Heart did "Ain't Goin' Down 'Til The Sun Comes Up" and it was their best performance to date and they still got booted off the show. I was sad to see them go, but I'd rather them than Ashlee. And this wasn't the greatest part of the show. No, that belongs to the fancy work of the camera guy who snagged Sophie's reaction to Jewel's derogatory comments! How prissy does she look?! I love it.

As usual, leave a message at the beep (BEEP)

It was family week on Nashville Star with the contestants getting a surprise visit from their immediate families. And as pseudo-reality shows go, I'm a sucker for these types of things every time. What can I say, I'm a sensitive guy.

I think I was born with high levels of menstrogen or something, because almost anything involving love, and family and spilled shots make me well up like a little girl.

So who peed in the judges pool this week? Wow, were they coarse or what? "Hey, thanks for flaying me in front of my family I'd like to go die now."

With that said, can you think of a more difficult situation for these contestants to sing in?! Who's the sadist that calls these shots? Let's get a bunch of your emotions swirling around and then throw a microphone in your hands. And then after we cut you down, we'd like you to sing again. It's fairly cruel really, but that's what we call box office baby! And yes it does separate the wanna be's from the stars. I remember being on the road with Montgomery Gentry when Trick Pony was opening up for us and lead singer Heidi Newfield found out that her mother passed away just minutes before showtime. Everyone was shocked that she not only didn't cancel, but she proceeded to give one of the most touching performances I've ever seen. It was in honor of her mom and it was truly inspiring. I still get chill bumps thinking about it.

Now dry your eyes and let's get to the show!

This week's show stuck with the family theme and started off with little Noah Cyrus showing ol' Dad a new little trick she learned, called "reading". She's got my vote to take the reins from Billy Ray right now. Even the teleprompter is like "Here....... do what I do."

One of the front runners for this competition is Ashley Hewitt and she continues to excel and make progress. Showing off some piano skills and making it look easy. After seeing her reunited with her Dad, who is serving in Iraq, you have to think like I did, "Hey, what is that old guy doing in Iraq?" Well he must be really good at what he does, that or he realized he has 13 mouths to feed back home and said, "I think I'll put in for another tour".

Coffey was next and this is where the show took a tough turn. He did a rendition of Hank Williams' "Hey Good Lookin'" and it was an ok delivery, but he's just not convincing as a country artist. His vocals seemed a little thin, but more than that it just felt like not much had changed from week 1. He's still a soulful singer who looks forced to sing country. I think everyone was expecting him to turn on the country, but after 3 weeks it hasn't happened. Which bums me out because I was pulling for him from the beginning. Do you know when he did look country? When I thought he was going to walk off stage and stomp a mud hole into John Rich for saying he's not country. Wouldn't that have been something?

"Say uh, Jed, did he just say we wusn't country?!"

After a quick shot of Vanessa Williams in the crowd, (why, I have no idea), we had Sailor Tommy up to try and redeem himself from last week's tenuous performance. Here the family surprises didn't stop, because right before he has to sing, they bring out his Navy buddies to surprise him, which was cool. The only thing cooler would have been if they all broke out into a rousing rendition of the Village People's "In the Navy." Besides having a cool style, I want Tommy to stick around so I can continue to use funny Navy pictures like this one.

Pearl Heart remains to be contenders and they showed why with their beautiful rendition of "I'll Still Be Loving You" by Restless Heart (no relation). Again, it was hard for me not to get choked up watching Jeffrey Steele mentor these kids in this surreal situation. They alluded to it on the show, but Jeffrey lost his 13 year old in a 4-wheeler accident not too long ago, and it sent shock waves of empathy through Nashville.

I continue to enjoy his arrangements throughout the show and I think it's one reason some contestants continue to be on it. Then in his critique, Jeff stumped them and everyone else with a math problem, saying "instead of getting 3 of you to give 100%, I need all of you giving 300%, or maybe 2/3rds giving 180 degrees, or if we were all on a train going 70 mph and 3 of you were chasing me on bike going $11 dollars an hour, how fast will you be off the show?!"

Ok Jeff, let's stick to singing and leave the algebra to the math geeks.

Melissa Lawson continues to show off her goods regardless of girth and apparently America likes it. Again, she continues to out-sing everyone in the competition by picking strong songs that accentuate who she is. Speaking of accentuating, this was the part of the show that had me (and this pun is intended) belly laughing at the judges comments. Did you hear those word choices?

Jewel said she had a nice FAT tone, I think Jeffrey referred to it as BIG STUFF and then John Rich almost finished the trifecta by saying she was "the undisputed......" (say it, say it) but then he caught himself before he said HEAVYWEIGHT. Thank you, I needed that.

After seeing all of Ashley Hewitt's family out there and then bringing the USS Kittyhawk to port, I expected NBC to go ahead and tell Shawn Mayer, "Well we went ahead brought your entire hometown of 46 in from Iowa to cheer you on." Good Lord, no wonder you didn't have a budget for the webisodes this year (can you tell I'm having trouble letting go?) I think Shawn continues to reveal a different side to herself every week and hopefully she can be consistent enough to make it at least a few more weeks.

Next we had the winner of the contest Gabe who continues to consistently deliver great bells-free performances a la George Strait. Yes, I just made my not-so-bold prediction.

Unfortunately I think I would have voted someone else off before I voted Alyson off, but I am not America. Consistency is the key to these competitions, and unfortunately Alyson hasn't been consistent.

The cupcakes Laurie and Sophie had an unusually rocky performance this week. They kind of let me down because I'd like to see them win the whole thing. Yes I think they are young, but that didn't stop Billy Gilman, or Charlotte Church, or even LeAnn Rimes. I like their harmonies and I think with the right management they could be a viable commodity in country music.

Do you know who's not a viable commodity in country music? Whoever that freak was at the end of the show wearing the White Chapel shirt. I think he's Billy Ray's son, Death Ray Cyrus. Talk about the black sheep of the family! At first I thought it was little Toni from Third Town back to freak me out, but this guy made him look like a Jolly Rancher. I think we all know who didn't get enough attention in that house.

And it wasn't the tattoos or colored hair that scared the hell out of me, because that's been going on in music for years. I'm pretty sure it's one of White Chapel's song lyrics that says:

"Rusted tools excising rotting dead
With your corpse I lay caressing
My fun is done, it's time to send you back
I'll slam it six feet deep closer to hell
Descending back into your grave
You've been dismembered, molested, and maimed"

Zoikes! Can you imagine holidays at the Cyrus house?
"Ummm, Miley will you pass the potatoes before your brother bleeds into them?"

Besides, if you want tattoos and angst in your country music, then check out Hank III, the grandson of the great Hank Williams and son of Bocephus.

That's stone cold country!

I do give credit for Billy Ray standing by his son's side, even though he looked ridiculous, because let's be honest, we all looked pretty ridiculous growing up at one time or another didn't we?

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