Top of the Props!

Another week has passed, and our staff continues to grow!! It seems like every day I see more and more people in the office! This past week segment producers Frank Smiley, Dan Ferguson and Rachel Witlieb started romping around, as well as Graphics gurus Pierre Bernard and Kevin Frank!! Awesome stuff. It's starting to feel like we're actually doing shows... Instead of being stuck in this crazy dream of sun and flowers and new building smells.

The BIGGEST development over this past week was the fact that we are now booking tickets for the first month of Tonight Shows with Conan!! It's a hot ticket - requests have been pouring in! The good news for you folks is that we use a lottery system, so there's always a chance you could snag some dope tickets if you request them relatively soon!! Visit our temporary ticket page for details on how to come see the show we're working so hard to put together!! I wish you all the best of luck!!

Except you. And you.

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Tickets to The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien!

Ladies and Gentlemen. Hello.

Are you sitting down? Because I have a truly awecellent announcement:

I am extremely pleased and excited to announce that TICKETS FOR THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN ARE NOW AVAILABLE!!!

Head on over here: http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien for all the details on how to get them!

June 1st is right around the corner, everybody.... ;)

O.M. to the Motherflippin' G, Y'all!

Why hello there, friends. I couldn't help but noticing that you have that look in your eyes. That look that says you want something. And you want it badly. Oh so badly. That look that says...

WHERE'S MY FREAKING BLOG POST, BLEY?! IT'S MONDAY AND I COME HERE TO THIS SITE AND YOU HAVE POSTED EXACTLY ZERO POSTS TODAY, JERKWEED.

I hate it when you're angry, baby.

Listen, here's the deal - I was out of town this weekend (NYC, if can you believe it) and really reeeeaaaaally tried to get Chill to write a sweet entry about how location scouting and all that differs in LA from NYC - He's got a couple of great stories already! But the REASON he's got a couple of great stories already is that because he's been so busy. So busy... Working. His real job, not his moonlighting job as part time blogerator like yours truly. I was already in the air and out of touch when I got his note that he couldn't swing it today.... And that's about how we arrived here!

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Greetings from The Cuckoo Factory!

Well, it's the beginning of my second week here at the show in LA, and things are already moving quick! I've been working with the web folks on putting together the new Tonight Show website, and I think you're all going to be pumped at what we've got in store for y'all! On that note, a big THANK YOU to everyone who wrote in with suggestions of things that they want to see on the new site... We'll do our best to wow everyone!!!

Also along those lines: People have been asking me about A.) Tickets, and B.) Internships. I don't really know when we'll have Ticket info available for people quite yet; I'm hoping early May. In terms of internships however... CHECK THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG POST, SUCKA!! You're welcome.

I thought I'd have a month to kind of get into the swing of things out here, but we're already up and running - Conan shot two remotes last week, and shot ANOTHER one today!! I know exactly how he feels, though; being out here in LA on this lot, you just want to start doing things!! Getting things done!! Making the donuts! Doing the chip chop on the belly flop! You know what I'm saying!? At any rate, Kodak is sponsoring some of our web stuff, and they sent me these sweet new video cameras today to shoot stuff!! I took one up to our sweet rooftop Chillaxing area and fiddled with it... Already it's easier to do things out here in LA. Amazing.

I am currently writing this from my new office, which is sweet! I don't have any windows (because I'm at the bottom of the totem pole), but my new office is on the floor with all the writers... Which will either be fun or terrible. I'm right next to my buddy Roey (our Music Coordinator), so I'm excited about that; I've already hidden a bunch of creepy notes in all his drawers. Here's the thing though: Now that we're out of 30 Rock, and I'm no longer in an office on crappy 8 West, I can no longer call the floor that I work on "The Swamp"! These new offices are just way too nice, and "The New Swamp" doesn't really roll off the tongue. This means that I've got to come up with a new floor name, ya'll - because we all know I can't work on a floor that doesn't have a name. Here's what I've got so far:

- The Monkeyhouse
- Awesometown
- The Cuckoo Factory
- Tiny Little Bacon Man
- Chumbawumbaville (I plan on playing a lot of the Ol' Chum on full volume)
- Dr. Brian McCann's Haunted Indian Graveyard of Comedy Horrors
- Sweetpit

I'm sure that a name will come to me at some point. It's a work in progress. You guys got any ideas?

Finally, many of you have been asking about internships... AND HERE I AM READY TO ANSWER YOU:

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ATTENTION LOS ANGELES: I AM INSIDE OF YOU.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Those still waiting for the operation.

As the title up there implies, I am now a current resident of Los Angeles California!! It's been a big big week full of boxes ad tape and boxcutters and nails and hanging things up and getting lost in the windy confusing streets of LA! Here are some things that I have learned so far:

1. The sun is intense.
2. The sun is REALLY intense.
3. There are a lot of douchebags here.
4. THE SUN IS SO INTENSE LOOK AT IT ONCE AND KISS YOUR EYE JELLY GOODBYE GUYZ I'M SERIOUS.

It feels like I've been living underground for the past 8 years - you come out here and there's sun, and trees, and birds, and clouds, and flowers, and.... MILES AND MILES OF CAR CLOGGED HIGHWAYS. Man, the traffic really is as bad as they say. But otherwise, California is pretty sweet! Maybe I just haven't found out about all the crappy stuff yet, but right now I'm questioning why ANYONE WOULD LIVE ANYWHERE ELSE. Seriously. It's ridiculous! Also, I fit right in with all the beautiful tanned toned people here. It's nice to finally be around people of the same beauty level, you know? KIDDINNNNNG. These people are all robots. Pretty, pretty robots. I'm gonna have to either lose like 30 pounds... Or shoot the moon by gaining like 60 pounds and wearing a muumuu everywhere! Currently I'm thinking muumuu. Preferably in some sort of floral pattern.

Today I went over to the new Tonight Show offices, and saw a bunch of awesome folks! Our director Allan Kartun, Tracy King, Jim PItt, Paula Davis, Brian McCann, Brian Stack, Dan Cronin, Propmaster John Rau, Bruce Brumage, Andy Richter, Jeff Ross, and Mr. Conan O'Brien were all in the offices today!! It was really great seeing everybody - like I've said before, we're all like a big family, and I really missed everybody! Conan immediately threw me onto a couch and started hitting me; I never thought I'd miss that, but I did!! It was all so great. Like coming home, in a way! It made me a lot less stressed out, actually.

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Stop Spreading The News.

Heading into final launch sequence here in Bleyland... Wednesday morning I step onto a plane headed one way to Los Angeles California! ONE WAY. PERMANENT TRIP. NEVER COMING BACK. Well, okay - the plane is probably coming back to NYC at some point; I mean, they're not going to fly a plane to California and then destroy it or something just because I'm riding on it. But you get what I'm saying.

Even though the Late Night offices are technically still open until March 20th, the sweet sweet (former) Late Night with Conan O'Brien Research Gang's last day in 30 Rock was this past Thursday... And we commemorated the event by shooting a little Underground video! Also, like I've mentioned earlier, even though Hardy will be a CA resident, she will not be working for The Tonight Show... So Bruno and I decided to send her off right! I hope you like it!!

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Across The Great Divide...

Packing packing packing packing packing packing packing.

You never know how much stuff you own... Until you have to box it all up. Holy sweet little baby Jesus. You know what sucks more than a papercut? A cardboard cut. And you know what sucks more than a cardboard cut? Nothing. NOTHING. OH GOD, THE PAIN.

My schedule right now is thus:
Now: Packing.
Tomorrow: Frantic packing.
Wednesday: I put my life on a truck.
Thursday: Heavy drinking.
Friday: Heavy drinking.
Saturday: Heavy drinking.
Sunday: Church.
Monday: Heavy drinking. Blog about said drinking.
Tuesday: Reconsider move to LA.
Wedesday: FLY OUT TO LA FOREVER.

Things are getting intense, people. My place is a mess, my friends are a mess, my hair is a mess... And it's all gonna get worse before it gets better. I've got about a week left in New York City, and that can only mean one thing: IT'S TIME TO START MY NYC BUCKET LIST!!! Let's do it:

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Andy, You're A Star!

Why hello there, you fine, good looking people. How are ya? It seems like one whole entire week since we saw each other last! It's so hard to believe that it was only - wait, it WAS a week. I forgot. Sorry. Um... How was your week?

First off, I'd like to congratulate everyone at Late Night with Jimmy Fallon... And wish them the very best of luck on their debut this evening!! If you're like me, you'll be tuning in at 12:35 to check out the very exciting new face of Late Night! Good luck, guys. Do us proud.

This past week for me has been pretty awesome - and one MAJOR reason for that is because of a little piece of news that I'm sure you all heard about: SWEET SWEET ANDY RICHTER WILL BE OUR ANNOUNCER ON THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN!!! How great is that?! I'll tell you: MUCHO great! I never actually got to work with Andy - I started about a year after he left - but I met him shortly after I started, and he's always known my name and treated me as a good friend... And what more can you ask of someone? I mean, besides loaning me an extra 20 to support my crippling scratch off lottery habit? Exactly.

At any rate, as everyone who watched almost any clip package of the last two weeks of Late Night knows, Andy Richter has been an important (and hilarious) part of the Late Night with Conan O'Brien family for a very long time, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we couldn't be happier that he will be joining us out in Los Angeles!! Andy's the best! Plus, there's a famous story of Andy hitting two home runs against CBS News during a certain softball game at Yankee Stadium years ago... But that's a story I'll save for another time. PS - Let it burn, suckas.

As for me, things are starting to shift into high gear. Case in point: I am currently writing this from a hotel room in the shadow of Universal Studios out here in LA...

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Through the Looking Glass!

Howdy y'all! It's the Monday after the last show... And it STILL doesn't seem like Friday really happened!!

The office today was full of people talking about the party Friday night, discussing the pros and cons of all the different LA neighborhoods they're about to move to, and packing the rest of their offices up! I made a little Underground video about the proper way to pack up your desk, if the need ever arises. We're all just coming down from a crazy last week, and trying to process it all. It's still such a weird feeling, thinking about it being all over!! Everyone is happy and excited about what's to come, though. Lots of fooling around in the office today... I mean, it certainly helps that we have no show to do tonight!

As I mentioned on Friday, I will continue to update this here blog every Monday throughout our transition to LA and our transformation into the very exciting Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien... And today's post is all about PICTURES.

First off, let me hit you with something hilarious that happened on Friday but I didn't have time to write about: The people in the building across 49th street put up this sign on Friday afternoon:

Hilarious, right? Well, Conan responded with this message:

Nonplussed, a little later they hit us with THIS little doozy:

Oh, jokes!! Maybe if it had been warmer we could've broken out our "Late Night Waterballoon Slingshot" or something. As it ended up, we still get to have the last laugh - because we've all seen the guy over on that side of the street who sits in his office and picks his nose all day!!! Ha ha ha - dude, invest in some blinds or something! Jeez!

And now... As promised... A couple pics from the last show and the wrap party:

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Commencement.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the last day of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

First and foremost, the show is running long tonight. Tonight's finale will be 6 minutes longer than normal, so make sure you set your DVRs to record at least an extra 6 minutes!

To many of us here at the show, it seems incomprehensible that the show is ending. What? The end? It just doesn't make any sense. But whether we've come to grips with it or not, in little over an hour, we will begin taping our very last show - and after the tape stops rolling, the people leave, and the studio lights dim for the very last time... Late Night with Conan O'Brien will be no more. There will be no more show. In the coming days and weeks, 9 West and 8 West and Studio 6A will be packed up and thrown away and moved out and shut down. New, less cool people will move into these offices to begin working jobs that they will probably hate. In all likelihood, they'll never get to experience what we've experienced:

The joy of making something you care about.

To many of us here at Late Night, this show is everything – we work together, we play together, we eat together, and sometimes we even sing karaoke together (I use the term "sing" loosely). Late Night with Conan O'Brien is responsible for introducing all of us here to our best friends; people we will know for the rest of our lives. Over these past 15 odd years, we have certainly spent more time with one another than we have with anyone else – our spouses, our children, our families, our "civilian" friends, etc. And through it all, we've managed to all participate in making a body of work that we can be proud of. We're a show. We're a team. We're a family. But more than that, we're Late Nighters! And as Late Nighters, this show that we've produced every day for the last decade and a half - a show full of Pimpbots, Masturbating Bears, and dogs who like to insult people - this show, that we've bled, cried, argued and laughed over... This show has all been for one single purpose: To entertain you.

I've said this before, but it has never rung more true than it does right now; you are the reason we exist. We could never have done this, worked here, if it wasn't for your love and support. There would be no show... And there certainly would be no blog, or podcast, or any Underground videos - if you didn't care about us. We are here because of, and for, you. So, from all of us here at Late Night with Conan O'Brien, we humbly thank you for taking the time out of your lives to sit down and watch our show. There is no greater feeling than being able to make somebody laugh, and it's been a privilege and an honor to be able to do that for you all these years. It doesn't matter if you started watching our show in September of 1993, or if tonight will be the very first time you'll experience the Conan magic... You are, and have been a part of, something special. You have been an integral part of what we've done. And we thank you for it.

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2,724 Down... And 1 To Go.

Sorry for the late blog, everyone. It's obviously a very busy time here at the show right now! Today packing up the office went into high gear, as we took time out of our busy schedules to all run down to the studio to take an all-show photo!!! Andy showed up - to much applause and fake booing - and jumped in as well!! It seems only fitting for him to be in our last photo. After all the horsing around and shooting of pictures, we all went out in the hall and gorged ourselves on delicious Late Night mousse cake that Jeff Zucker sent our show!! Hardy and I were bouncing off the walls for about an hour!!! I might have, um, dine some damage to the office... But who cares!! The show's done tomorrow, suckas!!

A couple things before I forget: There is a brand new Late Night Podcast today... And, I'm sad to say, it is our very last Podcast. Please join Myself, Sharon Hardy, Sarah Bruno... And our very special guest, Conan O'Brien... As we bid a fond farewell to the internet radio show we've all loved so much these past months. Thank you all for listening!

Also tonight, I've posted a brand new Underground web video for you all to enjoy - it's the fate of LaBamba's Bandstand!! remember last night, when Conan ripped out the bandstand and gave it to one very lucky audience member?! Well, after the show we sent a camera crew after the folks who took it away, and watched as they tried to figure out a way to get it home!! Ha ha ha.... Oh, those crazy kids. Enjoy!!!

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OPERATION: MINDBEAM EXPLODER

Three shows to go, baby. THREE SHOWS. I feel like an idiot saying how many shows we have left on every single blog every day, but it's just impossible to get my mind around. THREE SHOWS!

Up top, I've got some great news: Max and the band will be joining us out in LA!!! That's right, baby! You know what that means: GET READY FOR SOME SWEET LA MW7 ACTION!! With all that sun, LaBamba is gonna have to wear TWO hats!!

Tonight's show features more CLASSIC Late Night bits, of course - but we've also got a slew of secret cameos, and a certain special guest who is sure to go down in history as Conan's "Bette Midler"... Well, kind of. Watch tonight and see for yourself! It's a show not to be missed.

Also something you shouldn't miss tonight - the new opening to our final three shows!! II was lucky enough to be asked by our Head Writer Mike Sweeney to put something together for our last couple how openings, and it premieres tonight! Let's hope it doesn't ruin the whole show, shall we?

Finally, FINALLY tonight... Remember a little while back - say, a week - when I was going all crazy about a little thing called "OPERATION: MINDBEAM EXPLODER"?! Remember that? Usually I just get really into promoting my little special projects and surprises for you guys, but... Well, I'll be honest. I've been a little busy, and I feel like I haven't really gotten everyone as excited about it as I should have. But regardless, the show is almost done, and OPERATION: MINDBEAM EXPLODER IS COMPLETE.

And I think it goes without saying that it's going to make your Mindbeam EXPLODE.

Let's go:

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the future is now

Hey there Internet

Chill here.

It has been a long time since I was last on. I hope all my friends from the past are doing well and all the newcomers who don't know me, "My name is Jason Chillemi and I am the Production Manager for Late Night. And all the location shoots, I am in charge of producing." Which makes these last couple of weeks extremely fun for me!!! We have been showing all these classic Conan remotes that I was involved in during my reign here since 1997. The Napa Wine remote, Ford Taurus remote, Apple Picking with Mr. T remote, Dinner with Jordan remote, and one of my favorites: Dudez-A-Plenti have all aired and I promise more classics on these last 4 nights.

Seeing these remotes reminds me of all the amazing times that I have had while working here. Starting as an intern in 1996 and getting hired in 1997, who would have believed that I would still be here 12 years later. And to top that: Who would have believed that I will be moving to LA in March to continue working with a lot of these incredible people that I have known for so long on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien!!! Yes folks, I will be Cali-bound, banging out more SWEET remotes for the Tonight Show. And I promise to continue popping up on Bley's blog and videos. You will never get rid of me!!!

I just want to say thanks for being such great fans of the show!!! Thanks for all your awesome comments!!! And I hope you have enjoyed watching Late Night as much as I have enjoyed working on it!! Please stay in touch!!! I will be ready to give you guys some sneak peeks on some of the stuff we will be shooting out west. Good Bye Late Night!!! We will miss you!!!

Until The Future...Chill is out.

Warning! You Are Entering... The Cliche Zone.

Today is the dawn of the very last week of Late Night with Conan O'Brien! It's cliche to say, but we're full-on into the home stretch of the show, kids. And let me say something else - I'm gonna be using a LOT of cliches these next couple days, so get used to it. That's just the way the cookie crumbles! It's a Highway through the Cliche Zone for the next four days!

Oh, you like it.

Speaking of the next 4 days (once again, I astound the reader with my amazing segues), I am trying to do something awesome on the blog every single day this week; try to end things around here with a BANG, you know? Case In Point: Tomorrow's blog will be guest-written by none other than Mr. Jason Chillemi!! He wanted to write a little something to you all before we close up shop, and I couldn't very well deny him... Plus, he said he'd drop out of Trivia Club if I didn't let him do it. And trust me; the way trivia club has been going these last few days, we NEED him. (Cairo? Really? These cards are getting harder than an 8th grader at a MILF convention).

Tonight's show features none other than our dear, dear friend Bob Saget - and musical guest THENEWNO2 - and that's it!! We'll be having a lot less guests on this week, because of all the AWESOME CLASSIC LATE NIGHT COMEDY we'll be showing!!! Tonight's you-absolutely-can't-miss comedy includes our very favorite Satellite TV Channels of all time!! There are ones that even *I* haven't seen (Potato Judge?! Whaaaat?). The last one we show tonight ranks among my personal top three Late Night with Conan O'Brien things ever. It's been awhile, but it still BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN in rehearsal. Oh sweet jesus christ. Please make sure you tune in tonight. This week is going to be a week of television for the ages. AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY!!

That'll just about do it for tonight's lil' blogeroo... Only four shows left, people!! Please remember to check on our most excellent Late Night memorabilia auction that's going on all this week!! This is pretty much your only chance to grab a piece of Late Night history!! Go crazy - after all, it's for a good cause!

Oh, wait; there's one more thing I should mention:

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Our Valentine's Day Gift To You.

As you all know, today is Friday the 13th. Normally a day of unluckiness, right? Well NOT TODAY, BUCKO. No no no. Today, dear readers, I am going to change all that. Are you ready? Great. Let's get started.

As our show has been winding down, the question I get asked the most (other than if I'm going to LA, which I still don't know about yet) is this: Is there any way I can purchase a piece of Late Night history?

Today, on Friday the 13th, I am pleased to announce that the answer is... YES!

Beginning this Sunday night (or Monday morning) at 4:30am, we are auctioning off select Late Night items on eBay Giving Works!! This is your one and only chance to snag a piece of sweet sweet Conan O'Brien history!!! All proceeds will go to the House 2 Home Project, a nonprofit organization started by Late Night staffer Sherri Adler whose goal is to provide families who have been affected by natural disasters the tools to help rebuild their lives! It's a great cause, and an excellent way for y'all to snatch up a one of a kind souvenir from the soon to be legendary comedy program Late Night with Conan O'Brien before we go the way of the dodo and take our place upstairs in Comedy Valhalla!!

Here's a list of the stuff that'll go up for auction this Sunday... MAKE SURE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN:

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Buffaloed!

I've worked at Late Night with Conan O'Brien since Spring of '01. Before I worked here, I was (of course) a huuuuge Late Night fan! However, this show's been on since '93, and there's inevitably stuff that I haven't seen - and one of those gems are on tonight!! Ladies and Gentlemen, the much anticipated and oft requested "Houston" Remote is on tonight's show!!! It was the first time I'd ever seen it, and HOLY CRAP IS IT FUNNY!! Great idea for a remote, and perfectly executed!! Hilarious. And Conan looks really young! It's strange to see him with that cherubic baby face... And adds to the overall facemeltingly funny comedy!

Like I mentioned yesterday, we were lucky enough to snag Head Writer Mike Sweeney for the newest installment of The Late Night Research Department Podcast, which is up now! Check it out, Rainbow Trout!

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Meet The New Boss... Same As The Old Boss!

Today our show got a visit from the man who will soon be carrying the esteemed mantle of Late Night into the future - JIMMY FALLON! That's right, sugarsnap; JF stopped by this evening to talk about the future of Late Night and pay his respects to our very own Mr. Conan O'Brien. We showed Jimmy's first appearance on our show - which, by the way, was TEN YEARS AGO - and it's amazing to see how different he is!! Jimmy also showed a clip of his disgusting lasik surgery that he had on his eyeballs, did a bit with the skinny Bob Barker mic, and practiced his different styles of walking onstage... AND EVERYTHING KILLED!!! I think this guy is gonna do just fine. ;)

The lovely Rose Byrne also stopped by... As well as our good friend (and musical guest) John Pizzarelli! Pizzarelli has been on our show for the past 11 years, and is one of those people (like Tony Bennett) who helped make our show something special for the ages! We've only got a week and a half left, people. We're getting down to brass tacks... And then we're pulling out those brass tacks and scraping off the varnish on the floor. Point: IT'S GETTING INTENSE. And we hate varnish.

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Catch A Cannonball, Now, To Take Me On Down The Line.

Man! What a day!! With only 8 shows left, we're in full-on end mode - and the show still manages to shock and surprise me. Madness! I am going to miss this place.

First things first; tonight's show had us all in stitches - probably the funniest guy on the planet, Norm Macdonald, is on tonight's show, as well as the super awesome Chef Gordon Ramsay, and musical LEGEND (and personal hero of mine) Levon Helm as our musical guest!!! Seriously, if I could pick a lineup of the show that I, Aaron "Danger is my middle name" is my middle name Bleyaert, would most like to see... I would be hard pressed to come up with a more perfect lineup.

And tonight's show doesn't disappoint.

Norm is hysterical. Norm and Gordon's segment where they're all trying to cook with Conan is absolutely FILLED with foul language and horrible gestures... I'm serious. I don't know how they're gonna show it on TV! ;) And Levon's performance... Well, let's just say that he BLOWS THE ROOM AWAY with a little song called "The Weight". Ever hear of it? Yeah, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Shivers, folks. Cold sweats. And this time, it WASN'T from the thought of having to read about The Jonas Brothers!! KIDDINNNNNNG.

It was an absolutely incredible incredible show, from top to bottom. One for the books! What books? The "Awesome Books", of course! That I keep in MY MIND. Which I'm clearly losing. And losing fast. *Gulp*

That was the show... But my day was much, much more insane:

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Gravity Sale!

First of all, I put up a brand new Underground video for y'all over at The Late Night Underground... It's the highly anticipated "End of The Show Song" that you've heard so much about!!!! If you were never able to make it to a taping of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and you didn't win tickets to any of our last shows, this baby is for you - this is what you would've seen a the end of a taping. Call it a little going away present from moi to vous! I hope you all enjoy it. ;)

As for TONIGHT'S show, The People (you) have spoken, and we (us) have listened - today is the first day that we're showing some of the classic Late Night moments that you fans have requested! This evening's classic Late Night hilarity involves one of Conan's oldest and dearest friends... His Ford Taurus! I think you know what I'm talking about, kids; strap on your mind-seatbelts, and get ready for a comedy blast from the past! My personal favorite moment: The Hornet's Nest! Oh Jesus. Oh sweet, sweet Jesus.

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Top Ten.

After tonight's show, there are only ten more shows left! JUST TEN. To paraphrase the lyrics of one of my favorite songs of all time.... IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!! (Insert Europe's cheesy leather pants here)

On tonight's show, we feature the very last Late Night State of The Show Address - and as such, there's no opening to the show! It's what we in the business call a "Cold Open". Does that mean that our usual open is actually a "Hot Open"? Or a "Hot Opener"? Or an "Hot Openfaced Turkey Sandwich with gravy"? Oh god I'm so hungry right now. Anyway, watch the State of the Show address. It's funny... And delicious!

As today is a Thursday, we've got our 3rd to last Late Night with Conan O'Brien Research Department Podcast up today!! I'm trying to end our podcast with a bang, so today we've got the Hardworking and Talented Late Night Director, Allan Kartun! He's the man who pulls the strings, calls the shots, and snaps the fingers to make sure that our show is the best looking lil' late night program on television... Plus, he directed Britney Spears one time!! GIVE IT A LISTEN AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!! Or hear for yourself, rather. Whatevvvvvvvs.

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OH GOD YOU GUYS JON HAMM IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.

SRSLY I'M NOT KIDDING HE'S DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Sorry. I... Uh... Lost it there for a second. Ahem.

Anyway, in addition to my personal man crush Jon Hamm, tonight's humdinger of a show has got Big Love's lovely Ginnifer Goodwin, and the awesomely talented one woman band Theresa Andersson!!! And as if that wasn't enough AMAZING show for y'all, we've got not one, not three, but TWO remotes tonight - one with everybody's favorite Dean Emeritus James Lipton; and a "Welcome To Sunny Burbank!" remote with our good friend Patton Oswalt!!! HOLY CRAP GUYS. It sucks that our show is ending... But we are going out with ONE HELL of a bang!!!!!

Today we taped the 3rd to last podcast, we did some Trivia Club, listened to the Bale thing some more, went on Google and watched some OTHER celebrity blowups caught on tape, all did our best impersonations of different celebrities blowing up, talked about whether or not it's better for your career to have a blowup or not, discussed if there really is "no such thing as bad publicity", and then ate fried chicken. Fried chicken? Yes. Fried chicken. There was some left over from yesterday. What? Times are tough. The economy is in what experts are calling "The Toilet" and we've got to cut corners any way we can! Also, I haven't washed my socks in a week.

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Mmm... Jelly in a Cup.

Today was filled with comments. Comments comments comments and fried chicken. Fried chicken? Yes. Fried chicken. It was our awesome Head Writer Mike Sweeney's bday today, so there was fried chicken upstairs!! Awessssoommme! Also, Roey bought me lunch for helping him out with his wedding on Saturday night - burger and fries from The Burger Joint, one of my favorite burger places in the city - and for dinner tonight I just ate two handfuls of ham quiche!!! It was all so delicious... But now I can hear my arteries clogging up. IIt sounds like muffled jelly being poured into a cup; in other words: AROUSING.

Most of my day today was taken up by two things: 1.) catching up on comments (you're welcome), and 2.) TRIVIA CLUB. Geez. Chill, Hardy and I got stumped TWICE in one day! It was madness!! Oh, I also had to rip out Taraji P. Henson's file. I actually forgot I had to do her until like 5pm, and then ripped it apart like lion on a baby gazelle!! It was all bones and fur when I was done... Which is weird, because it was just a file folder full of papers when I started!

Today they shot something down here on the 8th Floor for tonight's budget cuts bit - a guy sitting in a chair, asleep, while a tape falls through a tube! I know it makes no sense, but if you check out tonight's show, you'll see what I mean. It's weird to think that the stupid things we shoot around the office are sometimes seen on A NATIONALLY BROADCAST TELEVISION SHOW. More times than not it just feels like we're making this show to amuse ourselves!! I mean, it amuses us ANYWAY (I particularly liked the Roomba with Guns joke on tonight's show), but it's cool that other people get to see it as well!! ;)

That's all I got for tonight - it was a slow yet extremely busy day. Oh! For those of you who haven't seen it yet, Conan's awecellent and hilarious Bud Lite Commercial is after the jump! Enjoy!

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Step Inside my Box of Twitters

Hello, party people! Oh, I am so so busy today.

A few things: One, you might notice a brand new boxy looking box shaped box thing over there on the right side of the screen. It has the lame - yet extremely accurate - title "Aaron's Twitter Updates". Ladies and gentlemen, these are... MY TWITTER UPDATES. GASP! That's right, everybody... Now you can get little updates of what's happening at our show IN REAL TIME!! WILL THE TECHNOLOGICAL WONDERS OF THE INTERNET EVER CEASE?! WILL I EVER ACTUALLY BECOME LESS BUSY?!? The answer to both... Is no.

Like we've been doing all week, tonight we are once again soliciting your suggestions of Late Night clips you want most to see in our coming final few shows. Is there something that made you die laughing? Is there something that you thought was super weird or creepy? Is there something that you only saw this one time years and years ago and you've been searching the internet for it ever since but to no avail?! PLEASE LET US KNOW!! Head on over to The Late Night Underground and leave a comment to tell us about it! We're taking everyone's suggestions seriously, and we really appreciate your help! After all... We do our show for you, the people, and we want to give you guys what you want before we close up shop!! *Cue Aaron's Hysterical Sobbing*

And now I will explain why there won't be a blog tomorrow or Friday.

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IT'S JUST LIKE BEING IN A TIME WARP, GUYS... Okay, no it's not.

Today is another one of those pesky "two show" days where, oddly enough, we've got... Two shows. SHOCKING, I KNOW.

As I write this, we're gearing up for show number 2 at 8pm... It'll feature Jon Stewart, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and comedian Mike Birbiglia! Birbigs is getting up there near Gaffigan as one of my favorite comedians to frequently come on our show - he's here to plug his one man show, which I haven't seen yet, but I hear it's hilarious; Like the thought of me engaging in any kind of physical activity. OH, JOKES. Also, for you hardcore Late Nighters out there, Jon Glaser makes another great appearance tonight! It's always great seeing Glaser around the office... I miss that guy!

Speaking of "missing a guy" (look, I'm trying okay?), I hope you all caught our man Conan on Inside the Actor's Studio last night! Everyone here at the show thought he did great - and not just because our NBC neck microchips would shock us if we thought otherwise! My two favorite things about the interview were 1.) seeing Jordan, Ross, Sweeney, Liepis, and Todd Blass all in the front row of the audience, and 2.) the half hour where Lipton veered off to talk about his own film career: "And then I was in Bolt (ADDA of Bolt), and then I was in this movie (ADDA of this movie), and THEN I was in..." etc etc. Oh, Lipton. You are beyond compare, my man!!

Once again - and for the rest of this week - we are taking suggestions for your favorite Late Night moments!! That's right, sugarsnap; we want to hear from YOU! Make your favorites known LOUD and CLEAR over on The Late Night Underground right now!! Do it!! We'll take your suggestions and show as many as we can in our final days before this whole circus folds up its big top and heads West!!

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The Smell of Leather

First off, let me apologize: I am a liar. A cheat. A no good n'er do well.

There will be no Fed Ex Contest.

I'm sorry, kids - but with the "Fans write in their favorite Late Night Sketch" thing going on, I think it'd just be way too confusing to have that Fed Ex thing happening on the Underground at the same time! They'd "bump" with each other... And, well, the thing that we're doing on the show takes precedence over anything I do on this here little tiny humble blogeroo. Have no fear, however - I will do my best to have another contest in the near future so that you fine folks will have a least one more chance to win something cool and Conan related before we take down the tent and wrap the show up!

And while we're on the subject - head over to The Underground to let us know what you're favorite Late Night sketches are!! We're trying to put together an end of the show spectacular, and we need your help!! The sketches that get the most votes will be featured on our last few shows... THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO BE HEARD, AMERICA/REST OF THE WORLD!!

Finally, make sure to catch our very own Conan O'Brien as he answers all of James Lipton's insane questions on tonight's episode of Inside The Actor's Studio tonight at 8pm on Bravo! It's a whopping two hours of Conan Christopher O'Brien baring his soul in the uniquely probing fashion that only The House of Lipton can provide!!

And finally...

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Fed Ex In Full Effect!

Let me start off by saying... I'm sorry. Yesterday was an EXCITING, ACTION PACKED show that was a snap to Twitter about. Today? Not so much. I probably picked the worst time in the history of Twitter to start Twittering. I hope those who are following me on Twitter got their money's worth today... Which, incidentally, is worth exactly NOTHING. Twitter is free. And today's crap tweets certainly reflected that! Monday will be more exciting, kids. I promise. And even more exciting than that?

The tweets that'll happen next Friday... When I accompany Conan on a trip to a SECRET MYSTERY LOCATION!!!

Oh yes. Details to come.

Now... Like I said on the blog yesterday and Twitter today, there is no show tonight, and nothing happening here at the office today. So what to do when there's nothing happening? WE MAKE OUR OWN FUN!!!

If you remember earlier this week, I was talking about The Fed Ex Pope. I love the Fed Ex Pope. He's my favorite character of all time. Bored out of our minds today, McCann and I decided to grab a couple extra packing boxes and see if we couldn't come up with a few more ideas of OTHER brilliant Fed Ex characters!! Here's what we came up with:

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Tickets, Twitters, and a Podcast in a Pear Tree!

Hello party people! Tonight's blog will be short... But it will be action packed. That is a promise. LET'S GO:

First of all, we have completed selecting and notifying the winners of the tickets to the Last Shows of Late Night... So if you haven't already been contacted about tickets, then you did not win them. Sorry, folks. As I said before, we wish that we could give everyone tickets who wanted them, but time is short and we have a tiiiiny studio. Seriously. It's really small. Think "head of a pin" and you're close. HOWEVER, PEOPLE WHO DID NOT WIN TICKETS, DO NOT LOSE HOPE. If you didn't win tickets, and would still like to see the show, you are HIGHLY encouraged to try and get Stand By Tickets! We are going to get as many standby people in as possible, so I urge you all to try for that (as a reminder, every day 75 Standby Tickets are given out at 9am under the NBC Marquee on the 49th St side of the building. It's first come, first serve... So get there early!). Again, I wish you all good luck!! We hope to see you in our audience!!

Second, I have joined Twitter under the name "BigBley"! From now on, I will be sending tweets all day, letting you know what's going on minute to minute! Eventually you'll be able to follow the action in real time on the right side of this blog (the tech team is installing something next week), but until then you can either follow me with your own Twitter account, or check on the BigBley Twitter page throughout the day!! I will try not to be boring.

Third, there's a brand new Late Night with Conan O'Brien Research Department Podcast up today! It stars someone who I've been DYING to get on the podcast since day one... And that person is our Intern Coordinator, Chris Formidoni! This one was a really fun podcast to do, and I hope as enjoyable to listen to!

Lastly today...

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42

There's a freaking MADCAP CIRCUS on tonight's show, as we "get rid of" three more childish characters from our Late Night line up! Hey! Stop giving me the finger, party people - it's by decree of OUR NEW PRESIDENT! He said we must "put aside childish things". Look; DO YOU WANT HIM TO FIX THIS COUNTRY OR NOT? We here at Late Night are just trying to do our part!!

Also on the program tonight - the "Conan Goes To The Detroit Auto Show" Remote that we show to the audience (and I told you about) yesterday! That remote is just like a sky blue '59 Chevy... CLASSIC.

The final thing I'll mention about who's on the show tonight has to do with the title of this post. Can you guess who I'm talking about? It's...

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Did Something Newsworthy Happen Today or Something?

Very, very little got done in the office today... Because we were all watching the inauguration coverage of our awesome new President, Barack Obama! How exciting!! I alternated between staring at the TV hoping for a better tomorrow, picturing the walls of racial inequality in our country crumbling, imaginaing what it must be like to have lived through the civil rights marches of the 60's... And doing Ron Howard research.

Besides tons of Inauguration jokes, tonight on the show we've got William H. Macy, NBA baller Steve Nash, the always entertaining Los Straightjackets... And my personal favorite Late Night character of all time, The Fed Ex Pope! Now THAT'S a show!! I asked McCann - one of our writers and the guy who created The FEP - how he came up with the idea for such a stupid and completely pointless character. That kind of stuff interests me, you know? I mean, EVERYONE wants to know where things of genius come from, but very few people ever want to know how something dumb was created. Luckily for you, I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. THE DUMB ONES.

Anyway, I went to the man behind the pope - Mr. Brian McCann.

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Waking From A Peppermint Induced Air Coma Can Really Throw You Off Your Game.

Meet the new work week... Same as the old work week! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!! I don't really remember what I did. All I remember is huffing all that peppermint oxygen on Friday... And then the next thing I knew I woke up on the floor of the research office this morning wearing a rabbit suit and surrounded by bloody footprints? WTF? Well, it was either the peppermint air... Or all that whiskey. HA HA HA JUST KIDDING EVERYBODY.

Ahem.

ANYWAY. We've got a great show tonight - Teri Hatcher's on the ol' program! I read that book "Coraline" last week, and really want to see the movie... It looks SUPER rad!! She does the voice of Coraline's mom in the movie - or "moms", I guess. Whatevs. You should definitely check it out!! Hopefully, we'll be seeing a lot more of Teri Hatcher in the future; rumor (and by "rumor" I mean "truth") has it that Desperate Housewives is right next to the new Tonight Show studio in LA!! (And before you ask, no, I don't know if I'm going or not. Hopefully that'll get cleared up real soon). Because we've shot in 30 Rock for our (almost) entire run of shows, it seems weird to have to go onto a huge lot to a studio building to shoot something... But then again, that's the way most shows are shot!! Crazy.

Also on the show tonight; Ares Spears! Awesome, AMAZING impressions. I've been thinking of trying to perfect some impressions of my own... Any suggestions?

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GAS ATTACK.

No show today.

Nothing to do.

The office is quiet.

Very few people here.

What did we do? Well... We did what anyone in our position would do:

WE INHALED CRAZY PEPPERMINT FLAVORED OXYGEN!!!!

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Bubblicious!

We didn't TAPE a show today... But that doesn't mean that there isn't a new one for YOU guys tonight!!!! Lucky you! Tonight's show (taped on Tuesday) is one not to be missed - especially the mono! Make sure you've set the tivo or dvr or VCR or your cyborg brain to catch it this evening! I guarantee you won't be disappointed! Especially if you like magical creatures with pots of gold. ;)

Like I say EVERY week at this time... Today is Thursday, and there's a brand new podcast up!! It's newly minted Late Night Scribe Matt O'Brien, who apparently was using some sort of new eyedrops or something right before he came down to our office, because he was in excruciating eye pain throughout the entire podcast! Well, it was either new eyedrops or he caught a glimpse of me naked right before we started. EITHER WAY, IT LOOKED PAINFUL.

Also, there's a brand new Underground video up today!! It will cure the curiosity cat of why I had a highlighter painted gold... And why I spent some time waiting for a tuxedo the other day!! I hope you like it!

On the "Let's Paint Something Gold!" front, I have a little bad news: We share a lot of our departments with SNL, and our scenic department was busy doing (gasp!) actual work for this week's SNL today, so they had no time to indulge my King Midas madness! Hopefully I'll be able to get them to paint something gold for me tomorrow... FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Sooo.... Instead of spending today talking about all the cool crap I got painted gold, I'll talk about some of the crap that people and companies send us for no reason! TODAY'S PIECE OF CRAP COMES FROM:

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I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter... Actually, I'm Not Really That Much of a Lover, Either.

Well well well... Would you look at that! Today we taped our show two hours early - at 3:30 - yet I'm still here at 10:30! Madness!! I spent most of the day editing, and then got hit with a Teri Hatcher booking that I just finished knocking out! I am a victim of poor timing, kitkats. Poor timing.

Today I ran into Conan and a bunch of people taking off for destination unknown, and COB and I had a wrestling match! Okay, it was more him punching me than anything else - but I think my muscular arms really bruised his fists!! HA! TAKE THAT, O'BRIEN!!! BLEY WINS AGAIN!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! In other news... Does anyone know what a cracked rib feels like? No reason. I was just curious. *Cough, cough*

In addition to editing the new Underground vid that'll hit the cybertubes tomorrow afternoon, I also recorded this week's podcast today... And I was SHOCKED to realize that we're down to the last few podcasts!! Soon they will be no more!! I'm really gonna have to get some killer guests as we enter the endgame here. PRESSURE'S ON, POPTART!!

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SOLID GOLD BOMB.

Today is a "Two for Tuesday", sugarsnap! As I write this we're in the middle of taping our second - yes, 2ND - show of the day!! We taped our first show at 5, and we started this second mamma jamma tonight at 8!! It's weird... Right now it's like 8:40, and it FEELS like 5:45! Let's do the Time Warp againnnnnn. It's just a jump to your left!

To generally answer people's questions about this whole ticket thing:
- No, I will not look through the pile to see if you've won.
- Yes, I will let you all know when we're finished notifying people so you can begin the mourning process.
- I'm serious. I will not look through the pile for your email.
- Seriously.
- STOP ASKING.
- Yes, I AM this handsome in real life.

In other, COMPLETELY UNRELATED news: You know something cool about working on this show? If you want something painted gold, all you have to do is ask, baby.... ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK.

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Spring and a Storm.

It is Monday, sinners.

A Monday where there is a new video up over on The Late Night Underground.

A Monday where there is a new show being taped (I'm seriously digging our our musical guest today: Eric Hutchinson!)

A Monday where I have a little photo for you all. Do you know what this is, kids? Take a look:

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T.G.I.A.N.S.T.F.

Thank goodness it's Friday, right? Even better, thank goodness it's a NO SHOW TAPING Friday! Double awesome party time! Today I got here at noon (unless you're reading this and your name is Tracy, Jeff or Conan - then I, uh, got here at 8:30am and started working immediately). I tore through the Salma Hayek file like a man on a mission - that mission being to play videogames all afternoon! It's called "MISSION: HOLY CRAP I LOVE THIS OFFICE".

Sadly, it wasn't to be... But I did get a lot of actual video work stuff done, so I feel like I fulfilled my Skynet-mandated multimedia interaction quota for today! Speaking of, check out the video Chill and I shot yesterday! It's been a while, eh? I hope you like it! Also: LIB.

And that's it for today! Short and sweet - like a hot wing dipped in honey. See you guys Monday!

So. Tired.

We've got a brand new podcast up today - and it's a little bit different than you might expect. Instead of a Late Night staff member, we welcome 30 Rock castmember Lonny Ross to the Research couch! Lonny is a good friend of all of us here at the show, and got his start as a humble Late Night intern - so there's at least a LITTLE bit of a Conan link there. ;) Anyway, it's good to mix it up once in a while, right? Getting all mixed up is a good thing... Unless, of course, you're referring to that 311 song "All Mixed Up". Then you better check yourself, sucka. Also: I have no respect for you. NONE.

Today Chillemi bought me a large pepperoni pizza. Why? Well, because he's a nice guy. Also, he screwed me with this video I was editing - I wanted to get it up today for y'all, but it'll have to be tomorrow! SORRY. But hey; at least you've got something to look forward to... And I got a delicious pizza! Everybody (my stomach especially) wins! Anyway, POINT: There will be a new Underground video tomorrow. Say it with me, sugarsnap: YAAAAAY!!!

Man. I am freaking exhausted. I'm so tired I can barely type the word "Exhausted". E X H A U S T E D. That just took me ten minutes. Madness. Tired or not, there's no rest for the wicked! Tomorrow's time drain is set to include: Salma Hayek's file, an as-yet-undetermined guest file, another web video, and the usual 10 solid uninterrupted hours I set aside every day to concentrate on winning $2 scratch off Lottery tickets. What? A MAN'S GOTTA EAT, CONKY. A man's gotta eat.

Seriously though; things here at the show are nuts for everyone for the next month or so, because Conan is flying all over the country shooting stuff for local affiliates! This means that our show taping schedule is totally crazy; after all, we can't do a show when Conan's not around. You kind of, uh, need that guy for an episode of Late Night with CONAN O'BRIEN.

How's the schedule crazy? Well, for starters, we aren't taping shows on Fridays any more for a while - there's no show tomorrow, for instance - and we're taping TWO (2) shows next Tuesday! It gets even more crazy later on, but I don't have the energy to get into that right now. I'm as tired as an 18 wheeler with a set of spares... And I'm also starting to not make sense, which is scary. Even the three Red Bulls I just drank aren't helping!! And that right there might be the most truly frightening thing I've ever written on this blog.

Okay, I'm outta here. I'll get to those comments tomorrow, if that's okay with everyone... And if it's not, I won't know about it until tomorrow!!! OH SNICKITY SNIZAP!

BLEY OUT.

Just Another Manic Monday Wednesday.

Happy Hump Day, party people! Not much happened around the office today. It was a pretty boring day, actually. Here's what I did:

I...
- Played some Internet Risk
- Killed some Xbox zombies
- Pondered the question of whether or not God exists, and if so then what kind of God could let evil happen on this solitary plane of mortal existence.
- Ate a delicious burrito
- Ate a delicious cupcake
- Had Pushup Club
- Shot a web video
- Edited two other videos
- Recited the daily Late Night Research Department Prayer
- Stared out the window for a full 90 minutes.
- Looked down at all the people walking around on the street below and hummed Dave Matthews Band's "Ants Marching" quietly to myself for 89 of those minutes.
- Contemplated suicide after realizing that I had been humming Dave Matthews Band for 89 minutes.
- Pondered the question of what kind of a God could let a man hum Dave Matthews Band to himself for 89 minutes without interrupting using a giant worldwide flood or plague of locusts or something.

So... You know. Just another normal day here in the office!! Make sure to check out the show this evening; we've got our good friend Chris Meloni (from "Law & Order: SVU"), Sheriff Joe Arpaio (from the show "Smile, You're Under Arrest"), and AWESOME musical guest The Derek Trucks Band!! Derek Trucks band was a particular joy to watch today! Niiiiiice.

See y'all on the flipside!

You Guys Are Not Gonna Believe This

So like I said yesterday, those empty defibrillator boxes have been like that for a month - maybe longer. Suddenly, I make a stink about it on the blog... And I come in today to find THIS:

Yeah... That's me eating a banana next to THE BOX THAT SUDDENLY HAS A DEFIBRILLATOR IN IT HOLY CRAP. Seriously! It's amazing! Check it:

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Fibber.

Happy 2009, Internet! I hope you all had a good holiday and a great New Year's Eve!! Mine was excellentastic! No, that's not a word... Yet. Give it time, Jigglypuff. Give it time.

So, you all saw our awesome jackets that we got this holiday season, yes? Well, that wasn't the ONLY thing that we got!! Oh no. If one wanted to discover what new delight was bestowed upon our lucky show early in the holiday season (nearly a month ago, now) they would have to look no further than our elevator lobby:

I'm not sure if you can tell from Hardy's terrible, blurry photo, but I am sheepishly pointing to A DEFIBRILLATOR!!! AWESOME!!!!

Well... Kind of awesome. See, if you (God forbid) were to actually have a heart attack on the 8th floor of 30 Rock, and someone ran to grab the defibrillator in the hopes that they could use it to save your life... They would find this:

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Happy Holidays, Internet.

Well, the hour is at hand, the time is nigh, the holidays are here and... i am still at work. HA! Don't worry kids; I'll be leaving in two shakes of a lamb's tail! Or three twitches of a cow's udder. Or four scrunches of... A meerkat's nose? Whatever. What I'm trying to say is that I'll be leaving soon. PS - I'm insane.

Because no one loves you more than I do, there's a brand new Underground video up today that you're going to want to check out... And it's one with a bit o' backstory, so do yourself a favor and read the setup if you'd like maximum enjoyment of the video! Oh, jokes!

The video actually has a lot to do with something that happened today - we all got sweet Late Night Varsity Jackets!! Pretty dope! Check it out, Paper Route:

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Dance The Night Away!

Hello everybody! Welcome back. I hope you all had just a really wonderful weekend... Except for you. And you. You know who you are.

First, a bit of business up top: As you all are aware, our show is ending very soon. I mentioned it before in the comments, but our actual last show is February 20th. We're doing a special kind of ticket giveaway for our last 14 shows, so if you'd like to throw your name in the hat to possibly attend one of our last shows, send your

- Name
- Address
- Telephone Number
- And Email

to the special email address "Conangobyebye@nbc.com"! I wish each and every one of you good luck!!!

Now... Onto Secret Santa and the Holiday party!

My Holiday Victim this year was none other than Scott Kronick from the Wardrobe Department! Here's a sweet pic after I revealed myself:

I heard he likes music, is going to Amsterdam in the near future, and is really into gardening... So I got him:
- An iTunes gift card with a note that said "SWEET JAMZ!!"
- A bunch of books and maps of Amsterdam with a note that said "SWEET AMSTERDAMZ!!"
- A bag of yams (yams, like potatos, are tubers - if you want yams, you gotta plant yams) with a note that said "SWEET YAMZ!!!"
- A can of Pam with a wad of cash shoved in the top with a note that said "SWEET PAMZ!!"

What can I say? I wanted to do some crazier stuff, but the guy doesn't have a desk or anything, so it was a little more difficult this year. He was thrilled though, so it all worked out!!

The party was a really good time... AND HERE'S THE PROOF, SUGARSNAP:

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The Aftermath.

Well, as you all know, the last ever Late Night with Conan O'Brien Holiday Party was last night... And it rocked.

It was "unofficial" - meaning that it wasn't sponsored by the show - but a bunch of the higher ups here at the show donated a bunch of money to make an open bar, which was extremely cool and generous. Everyone had a really great time! Music Maestro Jim Pitt was awesome enough to rent this crazy karaoke machine, which got a LOT of use; some of it by yours truly!! It was a total blast. I had forgotten how great it is to hang out with all of the amazing people that I work with on a daily basis. COB showed up and hung out for almost the whole night too, which was super cool!! I'll see if I can't post some pics for y'all on Monday - none of the embarrassing ones, of course. ;)

I have to say that last night's party was really REALLY fun... But also bittersweet. There's an overarching feeling of things winding down; it feels like the end of Senior year in a lot of ways. Even though everyone last night had a rip roaring time, I couldn't help looking around and thinking that this is one of the last times that all of these people - close friends and people that I've seen more, and spent more time with, than anyone else in my life - this is probably the second to last time that all of these people will be in the same room together. We all spend so much of our time and energy and lives putting this crazy circus of a show together every day, that it's hard to imagine things being any different... But things will be different. Very different. And very soon. There's a big change just over the horizon, and while that change is something positive and new and exciting, the fact remains that Late Night with Conan O'Brien is almost over. Completely over. Forever. The curtain will close, the lights will flicker off, and all of these wonderful people will be consigned to memories of a chapter in all of our lives called "Late Night".

It hits me at weird times, you know?

Last night at about 4am, after a crazy night of drinking and yelling and laughing and screaming, there were only about 8 of us left at the bar. The night was just about over, and Jim was like "Bley, let's do one more - pick out the last song!" I went to the book, and my finger magically settled on the perfect number.

As "Build Me Up, Buttercup" by The Foundations started blasting out of the speakers, the 8 of us came alive for one last song. And as the bartenders washed their glasses and the bouncer swept the floor, the 8 of us - the very last of the Late Night warriors - jumped up and down, screamed our lungs out , all the planets and the heavens seemed to align and for a second - a second that seemed to stretch out in front of us - we were living in a perfect Late Night moment. It will be something I'll remember always, for as long as I live; I could almost see myself in the future, when I'm old and (still) gray, looking back on that exact moment with our arms around each other's shoulders and our voices ragged from yelling, realizing how good things were "back then". The Perfect Moment in The Good Old Days. It's a feeling that's impossible to describe... And one that happens rarely. Something you've got to catch and hold on to. Many of us will be going our separate ways soon, but what we meant to each other these past 16 years in the process of doing a show day in and day out, that influence, will last forever.

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I'm Gonna Start This Party Like My Name Was Sharon Hardy!

Okay, this is gonna have to be a quick one - first, a little reminder about the brand new podcast up today! It's with Late Night's very own Web Guru, Lee Dayton! He's The Man Who Makes It All Possible, and also The Man Who Yells At Me When I Use The Bad Words By Mistake. BY MISTAKE.

Tonight we've got our (last ever, boo) Late Night with Conan O'Brien Holiday Partyt! It's the one time a year I wear a sweater, so - how can I put this - EXCITEMENT AROUND THE OFFICE IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH. The party should be a blast; it's a great time for everyone to take a little breather and hang out with each other. I mean, we get to see each other every day all year, but it's rare that we all get to HANG OUT. It was a huuuuuge bummer last year not having the holiday party (because of the strike), so I think everyone is really looking forward to it this year! Different "friends of the show" usually attend, as well as that day's guests... Although Matthew Broderick said on the show tonight that he's got dinner plans, so I don't know if he'll make it or not! At any rate, O'Brien is always hilarious to party with every year!! The man never disappoints!! ;)

Because the party is tonight, today was the last day for Secret Santa-ing!! There were some great gifts given this year... And the fun continues (or concluded, I guess) today!! CHECK OUT THESE SWEET PICS, DAWG:

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Pranks & Cameos!

Well, I heard that, after all my meticulous secrecy yesterday - METICULOUS - the NBC Promo Department ruined my big surprise! Those bastards... Those bastards. What gives, NBC? Can't you guys keep your cool for ONE NIGHT? FOR THREE HOURS?! Sheesh.

Well, since it's going to be ruined by the promo hotshots anyway, I'll tell you that tonight we've got EVEN MORE great cameos on the show!! What's going on?! Is it perhaps that, in these troubled times of economic woe, America is desperately crying out for amazingly hilarious Late Night celebrity cameos??!???

No. That's not it. BUT WE'VE GOT EM ANYWAY!!

Tonight, Conan takes a still crippled LaBamba down to see the world famous Rockefeller Center Xmas Tree... With a little help from Will Arnett and 30 Rock's Jack McBrayer!! Madcap capers and wacky hijinks ensue! They were rehearsing in the lobby and crowds started forming and everything! It was intense, man. Like the end of Apocalypse Now... But like, comedically.

We've only got ONE MORE DAY TO GO before Secret Santa '08 closes down forever - and I've got a couple sweet pics:

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The Season Of Many Secrets.

FLIPPING FANTASTIC show this evening! Why FANTASTIC? And in caps, no less? BEHOLD, SUCKAS:

- The beautiful Eva Mendes drops by ol' Bessie Lou and explains how she can go snorkeling WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SWIM(!!!)
- The oldest college basketball player in history, Ken Mink, joins us to explain what it feels like to play collegiate B-ball when you're 73 years old (that's not a typo; the dude is seventy three years old)!!
- Musical Guest "Fleet Foxes" comes on and explains... Well, they explain something awesome. Or maybe something heartbreaking. I dunno. I should've listened to the lyrics more closely. Anyway, we all dug em!

Not only does tonight's show feature some great ADVERTISED guests, but we've also got A SOOPER SECRET SURPRISE AWESOME AMAZING GUEST on the show tonight!! I would almost even call it... A Tuesday Surprise? ;) Anyway, I'm not going to spoil it for you. You're gonna have to watch to see who it is; suffice to say that it's one of my favorite people in the world and one of our show's closest friends!!

A lot of people ask me how special cameos like this happen... And the answer (at least in this case) is exactly as you would expect - this (very special and awesome) person just happens to be in town for whatever reason, and called up our show to see if we wanna do anything! How great is that?! I'll tell you: Extremely great.

In other, "around the office" news...

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Santa's Secrets!

First of all: Here's your Monday Surprise!

Tonight's Hotness: The seasonal debut of our Late Night Holiday Decorations!

Speaking of the holidaze, Secret Santa is in full swing here at the Late Night offices! Normally, we have a couple weeks after the picking of the names to dole out our SS gifts - but this year, maybe because of the late Thanksgiving, OUR BACKS ARE AGAINST THE GIFT GIVING WALL. We only picked our victims gift recipients on Friday, and the big reveal is at our Late Night Holiday Party on Thursday!! We gotta work quick! Time is of the essence! The hour is at hand! The end is nigh! I haven't received any gifts yet.

Okay, the end isn't nigh, exactly - but the mood around here is intense and grimly filled with cheer; see, we here at Late Night with Conan O'Brien take Secret Santa-ing extremely seriously. I'm talking fakeouts. I'm talking pranks. I'm talking feints, slights, jukes, horrible gifts... And eventually, spectacular endings!!

Some of the greatest "final" Secret Santa gifts from years past:

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The Grey Shirt Gang!

Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles, is on tonight - and he's hilarious. The guy is a legend, and he delivers. It's like 8 minutes of Conan taking both barrels to the face!!! Unbelievable. The man is 82, and he's still got it. I hope I'm half as funny when I'm even half his age! Crazy. It's an honor to have a legend like Mr. Rickles on our show tonight! How can you follow Rickles? Well, our good friend Johnny "Legzam!" Leguizamo gives it a shot... And rounding out this evening's program, musical guest Erran Baron Cohen (Sasha Baron Cohen's brother)!!! Awesome awesome awesome.

Also on the show tonight: Goof offs, foul ups, and general mad cap shenanigans. Bodies falling from the sky, lights NOT falling from the sky, and Late Nighter Nick Imelio getting called out on the air!! Poor Nick. It's hilarious, though - listen, you can't make a comedy omelet without breaking a few eggsegos. Or something.

Something else awesome; It's been EXTREMELY cold in NYC lately (that's not the awesome part), and Broadway video was nice enough to surprise our whole show with free Broadway video hoodies:

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Fantastic 4

First: New podcast today! We invite Jason Chillemi into the office and onto the couch to answer a few of YOUR AWESOME PODCAST QUESTIONS!!! It was tremendous fun, and I hope you like it. What are you waiting for! Head on over and check it out!!

Second: Great show today! Bill Hader - who does great in his own segment - teams up with COB to play a couple of rather entertaining supernerds when Jessica "Gossip Girl" Szohr's mic fall off during her segment!! You could hear people all over the office laughing at their desks!!! It was one of those great spontaneous moments that you always hope will happen in a segment... So I was mucho happy with how her segment went!! Also, we are honored to have none other than the fantastic musical legend Tony Bennett sing a little Xmas ditty to close out our program tonight! It just doesn't feel like the holiday season without him, you know? Plus, he's so classy!!! It seems impossible to be super nerdy AND super classy in a mere 42 Late Night minutes, but tonight I think we pulled it off!

Third: Thank you for all the concern regarding my nightmarish CaffeineGate '08 fiasco disaster yesterday! I'm feeling much better today, thank you.

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Jay!

If you've seen the news today, you already know what all of us here at the show are talking about:

When Conan takes over The Tonight Show, JAY LENO WILL BE MOVING TO 10PM!!!!!

Like much of the Late Night staff, I heard about this last night when the story broke. My feelings today are the same as they were last night - happiness and excitement!!! Executive Producer Jeff Ross addressed the good news in today's morning meeting, explaining that this wasn't a surprise to anyone; Jay and Conan had been talking and that all was well! And later on this afternoon, EXACTLY ZERO work got done as all of us here at the show watched Jay's news conference!! Wow. Talk about excitement!! People have been calling and emailing me all day, asking what I think - and I think what ALL of us here think; that it's great and very exciting news. Like Conan himself says on the program tonight, Mr. Leno has been an amazing lead-in for the past 16 years, and has been a big part of Conan's success... And he couldn't be happier about that continuing!!! Speaking personally, it's pretty weird to have the front page news of the day directly relate to your job... This hasn't happened to me since the time I was working at Kmart and the local paper announced that it would be turning into a "Big K" (that's just like a regular Kmart but with groceries and stuff)!! In other words: I have lived a charmed life, people. A CHARMED LIFE.

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Late Night IV: The Return Of LaBamba!

Why, hello there! Welcome back everyone! I hope you all had just an absolutely terrific Thanksgiving. Mine was fantastic, although I didn't end up breaking my gravy drinking record of two and a half cans - I think it was thicker or something this year, so I can't say that it was because of a bad Bley performance. At any rate, I froze the extra gravy to make some after dinner popsicles with! What's that? Yes, I AM a genius. Thanks for noticing.

As you might have already known if you happened to glance up at the title of this post, our very own Trombone Specialist, Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg is back with us today!! And just in time for the holidays, no less!!! Richie was a fender bender a while back, and busted up his foot real good - so good, in fact, that the man is still on crutches! Every day after the warmup, the band runs out to take their place in the studio... And today Richie had to scramble over there on crutches! It was a touching sight. :( Regardless, I think I speak for all of us here at the show when I say that we're incredibly glad Richie's on the mend, and that the accident wasn't more serious!! WELCOME BACK, BUDDY!!!

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Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody.

Well, it's T Minus One Days to Delicious Turkey, and I couldn't be more excited! Just an FYI, this is our last show (and last blog) for the next week and a half, so please enjoy both as thoroughly as you can!! Just because the show is off, however, doesn't mean that you beautiful Late Night addicts have to go without a sweet comedy fix - make sure to check out our brand new Thanksgiving Day podcast tomorrow, and check back the following week for ANOTHER new podcast! Who says that Big Bley don't provide for the people, even in the harshest of winters? No one, friends. No one says that (no one also ever says "The Harshest of Winters - I think I've been reading too much Hemingway lately).

Anyway, we here at the show did a little "Turkey Murder Retrospective" today, and took a few minutes during the show to look back at all the ways that we've murdered fake turkeys over the years... Ending with a brand new Turkey Murder THAT HAPPENS TONIGHT!! Ah, jokes! The great behind the scenes thing about all this Turkey Murder is that Chill is usually the guy puppeteering the terrible Turkey victims! You know what THAT means, kids - when they were shooting the new Turkey Murder that's on the show tonight, I ran down and took some sweet pics of Chillemi and the crew in action. Yes I did. I am like a sweet PHOTO NINJA. KAPOW!! Check em out, yo:

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T Minus Two Days To Delicious Turkey Fiesta, Guys

For the past week, we've been trying to figure out what to do for our special LATE NIGHT THANKSPODCASTGIVING DAY SPECIAL '08 that's happening this Thursday. Coming up with an idea has been tough. So tough. At first, I wanted to do the whole podcast speaking in nothing but "Gobbles". The Research Ladies gave that a no. Then I thought we should do a Thanksgiving Day play that I wrote, starring The Research Gang as heroic pilgrim warriors who come to the new world to slaughter thousands of turkey zombies and save the last remaining vestiges of Humanity as we know it. This was also shot down by Hardy & Bruno, who also mentioned that I really need to stop playing Fallout 3 before I go to bed. Finally, my last idea for the Thanksgiving Day Podcast was to do an entire episode where we're all eating turkey the whole time... But AGAIN I was out-voted because Hardy & Bruno thought that the sound of four people chewing for fifteen minutes straight might be a little much - even as a cheap Andy Kaufmanesque joke! You know what, though? I'm not bitter. They were right. Sometimes the Research Ladies are good at bringing ol' Bley back down to Earth a little bit. I've got ideas, people. Lots of ideas. Some of them are crazy.... And others are even more crazy. I have no normal ideas.

Speaking of crazy, Kanye West is on our show tonight... And his music setup is CRAZY TWO TIMES! It's super intense - there are like all these awesome drummers wailing on these enormous drums, all these crazy lights, etc. It was one of the most BADASS SOUNDCHECKS OF ALL TIME!!! I can't wait to see how it plays out on the show tonight! Plus... Kanye has a shocking announcement at the end of his interview. A very personal announcement. A very HILARIOUS announcement. I wouldn't miss it, if I were you!

Kanye both talks AND performs on the show tonight, and in between we've got our second guest, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane! He's hilarious, and I have to say that I LOVE having guests on the show who do voices! It's so weird to see real humans doing famous cartoon voices; it always looks like they're just mouthing the words and the actual voice is overdubbed. Good stuff, Staypuft!

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T Minus Three Days To Delicious Turkey Fiesta, Guys

Well well well. A very short week here at the show, due to the impending delicious holiday - but we're making these next three shows count! Today we welcome the awesome Hugh "Let's Do Some Pushups" Jackman, Marge "I Show COB How To Cook A Delicious Butterball Turkey" Klindera, and Tom "The Night Watchman" Morello!

Look, I never said I was any good at making up nicknames. GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY.

Speaking of Hugh Jackman making Conan do a metric crapload of pushups in his segment tonight, we here in the Research Office have been having a little thing we call "Pushups Club" where - you guessed it - WE DO PUSHUPS! Every day! Oh, how exciting. How painful. How completely stupid and pointless and fun and hurty. Pain.

How does Pushups Club work, you say? Well, The ladies do one extra pushup every day. Sooooo... I think they started at like 10 or something last week, and now they're up to 14! However, I do NOT do 14. No. iam a MAN, so the rule is that I have to do as many pushups as I can in the time it takes them to do 14! Today I did 30. Also, I hit my face on the floor at one point, and it's starting to throb. Especially my forehead. Yes. Lots of pain. I may have a bruise, people. A BRUISE! PUSHUPS CLUB! NOT FOR THE WEAK! Or maybe it IS for the weak, because why would strong people waste their time doing pushups? No one knows. I can't think with this pounding headache. Where am I? Who are you people?

As everyone knows, doing pushups is good for the body - and, also as everyone knows, we are nothing if not healthy. Green Tea, pushups, meditation... We are by FAR the healthiest department here at Late Night! By far. Let me break it down for you:
- The Talent Department = An unhealthy fascination with popcorn and cupcakes.
- The Casting Department = Used to joyously celebrate something called "Hot Dog Wednesday".
- The Music Department = Murder. Lots of murder.
- The Prop Department = Well known for their seasonal Margarita & Guacamole fiestas.
- The Writing Department = Full of self hating drunks.

See, sugarsnap?! We are BY FAR the healthiest Department! THE LATE NIGHT RESEARCH DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO LIVE FOREVER GUYS I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS JUST LIKE THOSE LAME PSEUDO VAMPIRES IN THAT MOVIE "TWILIGHT" ONLY A LOT LESS SPARKLY IN THE SUNLIGHT.

Oh! One more thing:

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Who Let The... (wait for it, wait for it)..... DOGS OUT?!??

It's Podcast Day here at Late Night, and this week's Podcast is awesome for TWO reasons: 1.) we welcome rookie researcher Sarah Bruno onto the show as our BRAND NEW CO-HOST, and 2.) This week's guest is none other than Late Night's Amazing Music Man Jim Pitt!! As you faithful LNI readers and true Late Night fans already know, Jim has been responsible for booking every single music act on our show - from our very first musical guest, Radiohead, right up to today's musical guest, Brian Williams Wilson! Jim's responsible for it all, and does a GREAT job on the ol' Podcast! Thanks, JP!

Between working and drinking green tea and staring longingly at the Puppy Cam today, Hardy was doing a little holiday shopping on the interwebs - and she found something hilarious on the NBC Store:

Now, I'm no retail expert - the extent of my experience begins and ends with a brief stint one summer in the sporting goods section of Kmart - but if something is on sale, shouldn't it be lower in price? And if it's NOT on sale... Why would you tell people that the price has gone UP?! Is NBC getting all passive aggressive because people aren't buying these mugs? Are they trying to punish mug buyers by making them feel that they missed out on a lower price, like "Na na na na!! You COULD'VE gotten this mug at 9 bucks, but now you have to pay 12!!! HA HA HA HA!!". I don't get it. Seeing that something used to be cheaper but is now more expensive doesn't make me want to go on a shopping spree. It makes me shed a lonely tear... Into my old 3 dollar Late Night mug (I GOT MINE EARLY, SUCKAS!!!)

Tonight on the program; TV's Rosie O'Donnell, Ugly Betty's Becki Newton, and The Beach Boys's Brian Wilson! Fame! Glamour! Excitement - and a cameo from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! Plus we've got a little poll going on over on NBC.com about which Late Night dog Obama should pick for his kids!! Head on over there and MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT FROM A SHOW, TWO SCOOPS?!? Nothing. There is nothing more you could want. I hate you. I love you.

Oh! And before I forget... One last little thing.

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You Win Some... And You Win Some Others! BAM!!

Howdy, you fine lads and lasses! It is Wednesday, and you all know what that means: IT'S HUMP DAY!! That's right, two scoops. HUMP DAY. A grand day of pomp and tradition. Many people think that Hump Day is so called because Wednesday is the middle of the week - the "Hump", so to speak - of the 5 day working period that occurs between weekends (aka "Aaron's 48 Hours of Blackout Drunk Alone Time"). However, those people are WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Hump Day is a weekly celebration of my humps! My humps! My lovely lady lumps!

Yes, we listened to a lot of Fergie in the office today.

All right, enough psychotic rambling: Here's something funny that happened today. I'm sitting in Chill's office, discussing internet Risk strategy (I got our new intern, Christian, into a pretty heavy Conquer Club addiction), when Brian, one of our awesome Late Night interns, came in with Sarah Vowell's new book! He handed it to me and was like "I'm supposed to give this to you." and I was like "Me?" and he was like "Yeah, you." and I was like "Are you sure?" and he was like "Yeah. Sarah Vowell signed it to you." and I stared at him for like 5 minutes, and then took the book... And sure enough, she had signed it to me:

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Okay, More Like A Chubby Wolverine.

Hand Jive.

Jive Turkey.

Put these two things together, and you get HAND TURKEY (and a whole lotta jive)... As in THE LATE NIGHT HAND TURKEY CHALLENGE '08!!!

Do yourself a favor and enter our sweet sweet LATE NIGHT HAND TURKEY CHALLENGE '08, won't you? It's easy peasy - all you do is make a sweet Hand Turkey and submit it to us via The Late Night Underground Submission Page!! The entries are already streaming in... And I have to say: I like what I see. I will also say this: The more Late Night related, the better! Keep those entries coming in, kids! Remember, you can enter as many times as you want! Just like jail.

Tonight on the ol' Television Program, we've got a bunch of animals. No, we're not interviewing out interns on the show tonight - I'm talking about actual, live, rip-your-face-off animals!! There are scary ones (gators), furry ones (baby panthers), cute ones (Debra Messing), and even smart ones (John Hodgeman)!!! Ha ha ha, just kidding everyone. See what I did there? Pretending that our other two guests, Debra Messing and John Hodgeman, were actually just like all the other animals that Jeff Corwin brought tonight?! HA HA HA HA HA. Oh man!!!!!! GOOD ONE BLEY!!!!!! I am brilliant. BRILLIANT. Also: Modest.

Sorry everyone. I know that I sound a little insane tonight. I'll fess up: Today I ate and drank a LOT of crap. Normally, we here in The Swamp (the Research Office) are all about health - green tea, pushups, organic such and such; you know what I'm talking about. We're usually all Gwyneth Paltrow'ed out up in this piece, dig? Today, however.... TODAY, I went on a bit of a Caffeine and Super Sugar bender! AND IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME. This afternoon I believe that I ate and drank so much crap that I replaced the entirety of my blood and tissue with Red Bull and Mallomars... Annnnnnnnd I can't say that I hate the feeling, party people. I'm sitting here vibrating. It's insane. I cut myself earlier by accident, and I have so much sugar in my body that the cut healed up immediately - just like Wolverine!!!!!!

Tomorrow however, I will probably be more like Professor X: Bald. And in a wheelchair.

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A TreatIse on The Media Trident, and Tridents in General.

An interesting and UNIQUE show today, ladies and gents! That's right! U to the I-N-Q-U-E!! Instead of having the usual fannygazoo of busting out two talkie guests and some music, or two talkies and some standup, we've got a little of everything - first, we talk to one of the coolest men on the planet, Snoop Dogg; then we have the hilarious STAND UP of one Mr. Brian Regan... And THEN we close it all out with musical guest Blitzen Trapper! Weird, right? I have no idea why we pulled a media trident tonight, but we did! And an awesome media trident it is!!

Now, some of you might be saying... "Media Trident, dude? What the hell are you talking about?". And that's a fair question. Honestly, I have no idea what that means/is supposed to mean. However, I DO know one thing: Tridents are freaking awesome weapons, and I will be trying to work them into conversation as much as possible from now on. So get used to it, sugarsnap!! 2009: YEAR OF THE TRIDENT. Mark my words.

And now... The moment that you all have been waiting for: The Announcement of This Week's Contest!!

Ladies and gents, gents and ladies, all you Toms, Drews, Nancys and Sadies... May I present...

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Tightly Wrapped.

Happy Friday, y'all! I know you're all still reeling from yesterday's Thursday surprise, so I'll get out of your hair in a few moments. Not a lot happened today, other than... Oh I don't know... A little thing called... How do you say... FREE BURRITOS?!?!! Yes, that's right. We got burritos. For free. I can feel the heat of your collective jealousy burning my fingers through the keyboard, sugarsnap - and let me just say, it's unbecoming of you.

Thanks to the fine folks over at Chipotle and tonight's offbeat off-broadway musical guest, "Rock of Ages", our show was sent pounds and pounds of delicious burritos for lunch!! It was delightful, it was glorious, it was just like this dream I once had - minus all the screaming, of course. And this time I was wearing clothes instead of an Care Bears costume. But I won't get into that here.

Now, I took a picture of just ONE box of the MANY boxes they sent over, but before I show it to you, I want to warn you all; this is a box of TIGHTLY WRAPPED, DELICIOUS AND BEAUTIUL BURRITOS. Looking at this picture and into the box is not unlike the end of Raiders of The Lost Ark, when they open - you guessed it - the not so lost anymore ark. Be forewarned. I just don't want the guilt of anyone's Divinely caused blindess on my hands, okay? Okay. Prepare yourselves... FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT OF THIS:

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McCain in the Membrane!

Tally ho, internet readers!! There is, once again, no surprise today. Instead of promising and promising, I am just going to stop mentioning it altogether. I love you all.

However, I have an funny story - a "tale of amusement", if you will - for you all by way of our hilarious Head Writer, Mr. Mike Sweeney. And a one, and a two, and it goes a little something like this:

For those of you who watched the show last night (which should be ALL OF YOU, party people), you saw Conan give every member of our esteemed studio audience a clear garbage bag of 30 (yes 30) John McCain dolls! The dolls were sent to us by the company that made them, and they were the last 6000 dolls left in stock. The "McCain Surplus", as it were. I guess the company figured that now that the election is over, no one would want a 'Lil Maverick of their own - and I'm sure they're right! Anyway, for some ungodly reason, they sent all 6000 left to us... And for some OTHER ungodly reason, WE gave them all to last night's audience! So, 6:30pm came and went, and everyone who attended last night's taping was given a gigantic bag of McCains and sent out into the brisk November New York City night. Coolio.

Cut to: 11:00pm. Mike Sweeney, the hardest working man in show business, is leaving the building after a long day of producing the funny. He's out on the street trying to hail a cab, when he sees a young couple walking up the street towards him hauling - you guessed it - two gigantic bags full of McCain dolls!! He introduces himself, and asks what the couple is doing on the street at 11; were they just wandering around Times Square with the dolls for the last four hours, or what? The couple explained that when they left Conan, they then had to immediately run over to the Broadway show Wicked! They had tickets for that night's performance, and didn't want to miss it! Sweeney asked how in the world the couple managed to smuggle the giant bags of dolls into the show - the people said that the theater wouldn't let them take the dolls to their seats, but they managed to convince the theater to "store" the McCains for them while the show was going on! AWESOME.

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There's a reason that the word "Conscience" is made up of the words "Con" and "Science".

Today: A Race Against The Clock!
The Combat Coin gave me tomorrow's blank on the calendar, so I had to rip through a last minute Tom Brokaw file this evening! It's always a little harrowing doing a last minute file, because I'm usually doing it whle the show is going on - it has to be finished by the time the show is over and the Producer is up from the studio, so I only half watched/listened to Seth Green, Artie Lange, and Conor Oberst! From what I half saw.heard, it sounded like a pretty good show, but you all will have to let me know how good it actually was!

Today: No Tuesday Surprise!
It's not happening today. Possibly tomorrow. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, INTERNET. I have replaced all my guilt with anger. Anger that:

Today: The Office Was Filled With Taffy!
Seriously! WTF? First Brian Williams is trying to fatten us up by inexplicably (and generously) sending us candy, and now there's just pounds and pounds of magically appearing taffy all over the place?! I swear, as soon as I announce that I'm going to try and start eating more healthy, Fate rears its sticky, deliciously pliable head, and dumps taffy everywhere! On the 9th floor, on the 8th floor, the 6th floor... It was everywhere! The paranoid in me warned that it was poisoned... But the glutton in me had four pieces! MMMM! BANANA!

Oh! And -

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My Ring... IT'S A LITTLE TIGHT.

I've been feeling terrible lately. Just awful. A giant grey haired sack full of guilt. And today's blog is going to fix that!

First off, there's no Monday Surprise. Possibly it will be a Tuesday Surprise. Or perhaps a Wednesday surprise. Or "The Surprise That Never Comes". You would thing that after 20+ years of doing this blog, I would learn to keep my big fat (yet also extremely handsome) face SHUT. But I haven't learned!! Instead I promise things and then don't deliver. Like Snickers (Anyone who thinks 4 ounces of chocolate and peanuts "satisfies" has obviously never had a Butterfinger).

Anyway, instead of the SWEET Monday Surprise I had planned, I urge you to go over and visit the Late Night Underground for a brand new rehearsal video! Conan tells a little story from his early days in LA... It's one of my favorite videos we've put up lately!!

Second reason for Late Night Guilt: This whole Parra thing. Me not telling you guys about Parra leaving the podcast, aka "Parragate '08". In between Parra emailing Hardy and I about her new Politician Crushes (that change about every week), I asked her to write a proper goodbye to you all... And here it is!

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My Pants = On Fire

Hello, one and all, to the great Thursday blogeroo. As I do every Thursday, I urge you most highly to check out the brand new (it still smells like the dryer!) installment of our Late Night with Conan O'Brien Research Department Podcast!! This is an extra special podcast, for several reasons... The first being that it is a DOUBLE WIDE episode, clocking in at 30 minutes!! OH YEAH!! The second reason is... Beneath the cut, because of a SPOILER ALERT. If you'd rather find out from the podcast what's going on, GO LISTEN TO IT NOW AND COME BACK.

However, If you're the impatient "just get on with it, pip pip, heave ho" type, then by all means click the link below for the BIG RESEARCH NEWS!

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WTF, KW?

Happy Guy Fawkes Day, everyone! I hope everyone had a great election! Say what you want about who won - at the very least, the whole thing is OVER. Holy moses. Even me - Mr. "Hey Dude, Politics are Awesome" - was totally burnt out. Sweet Fannygazoo.

Let me tell you something about the show tonight; you are going to want to see it. Now, I know I say that a lot - in fact, I say it almost every blog. Tonight is different, and here's why: I'm well aware that many of you love our rehearsal videos on The Underground for the simple fact that you're seeing Conan improv. You're seeing Conan "raw". Unfiltered. Spontaneous. Well, tune in to the program tonight, and you will get all those things. Why? Simple:

Our second guest, comedian Katt Williams, did not show up.

That's right; for the first time in 15 years of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, A GUEST JUST DECIDED TO NOT SHOW UP WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. Unbelieveable. Inexcusable. Incredible. What a jerk.

Here's a list of a few of the people who showed up in the 15 years our show has been on the air: Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Martin Scorsese, Morgan Freeman, Matt Damon, Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow, Bill Murray, David Letterman, Anthony Hopkins, Bette Midler, Quentin Tarantino, Barbara Walters, Tom Brokaw, Steve Martin, Robert Duvall, U2, and President-Elect Barack Obama.

Now, Katt Williams, here's a list of people who DIDN'T show up in the 15 years our show has been on the air: KATT WILLIAMS.

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I Pulled A Lever Today... To Vote, Dude! Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter.

Happy Election Day, everyone! I made a little video about voting and what it means to vote - it's up over at The Underground right now! Ch-ch-check it out!

There's no show tonight (unless the election is called extremely early, then it'll be a rerun), so I came in a bit late today; around 11 or so. I got up early to vote, but it wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be... So I lucked out! It feels great to do your civic duty and cast a ballot, you know? Especially if you are fortunate enough to not have to wait 7 hours. BAM!

The offices are rather quiet today, as you would expect. I'm still winding down from the 18 hour marathon Albright research session from yesterday; I won't go into details, but suffice to say that, between my election anxiety and all that Albright goo rattling around in the empty catfood dish I have for a head, I had some pretty weird dreams last night. They involved a giant laughing face of Madeleine Albright, and me naked in a voting booth... So, pretty much exactly what happened this morning! Ha ha.

Oh! And before I go, two things:

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Ghosts and Ghouls, Suckas and Fools

Happy Halloween, everyone!! We've got a FRIGHTASTIC show this evening - Mary-Kate Olsen, SNL's Will Forte, and Extreme Pumpkin Carver Tom Nardone! Tom Nardone's segment is PARTICULARLY frightening - I think COnan got a little blood lust going on the pumpkins!! It was frightening... Yet totally awesome.

The fact that Will Forte is on tonight's show reminds me of a story that I heard that happened last week up at SNL! Last year for SNL's Halloweeny episode, Brian Williams was the host. There was a sketch that was rehearsed, but never made air - it was the sketch where Will Forte is a Child Molester who's trying get out of explaining himself to his neighbors, so he tries to play it off as his costume for Halloween. It was a hilarious idea, and if you happen to have watched this past week's SNL with Jon Hamm, you saw that sketch!! They ended up doing it with Jon Hamm instead of Brian Williams. These things happen from time to time.

Anyway, last week, while they were rehearsing that bit, Brian Williams apparently caught the feed and saw that they were doing the sketch again but with Jon Hamm instead of him! So as a joke, he sent down a note that said something to the effect of "How DARE you try to improve upon my sketch?" to Will & co. as they were rehearsing... Then, a little while later, Brian actually went down to SNL's rehearsal and stood off to the side in Will's line of sight angrily staring with his arms crossed!! HA HA HA HA. What a great joke!! Nice work, B.Wills (that's what he's called on the streets)!!

Now. Onto the eagerly awaited results of our Late Night Halloween Costumestravaganza '08 contest!! There were a LOT of really great and imaginative entries, but there can be only one winner... And that winner is...

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Violence!

Besides Mr. Conan O'Brien himself, the one thing we couldn't do our show without is... Light! After all, who wants to watch a screen that's completely dark? No one. This week's Late Night Research Department Podcast sheds some light on the man responsible for bringing the proverbial fire to our little television program... Lighting Designer Fred Bock! I think you'll all be happy - I certainly learned something!!

Today I got called up to Conan's office during the segment meeting (the meeting where the Segment Producers discuss that day's guests with the big man), to answer questions about the "Enter The Matrix" video game that Jada Pinkett-Smith is in.... Annnnnnnd...I FAILED HORRIBLY!! Man oh man. It was bad. Even though i beat the game a while back, I couldn't remember enough specific parts to answer everyone's questions, so I ended up being pretty useless. It was okay, though. I mean, who can really explain what happened in all those crazy Matrix movies anyway? All I know is that I kicked a lot of robot asses in that game. A LOT. WHAM! SMACK! POW!!

Speaking of kicking asses, Jada Pinkett-Smith graces our show with her lovely presence tonight, and talks all about how she puts the smackdown on her husband in the shower! (Her husband is Will Smith, for the stupid). Awesome. Conan and I have been known to - Ah - "Tussle" on occasion, as well! I must say, however, when COB and Bley throw down, it's usually less straight up wrestling and more boxing. He's got the reach, sure... But I've got meaty arms, so I usually take a pounding on the shoulders and wait for an opening to try and pick him apart from the inside!! CRACK! SLAM! SKA-BOOM!! (Ska-boom?)

Finally, TIME IS RUNNING OUT for you to submit to our Late Night Halloween Costumestravaganza '08 contest! If you'd like to submit a drawing or other visual costume idea for Chill and I to wear tomorrow around the office, you've got until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO DO IT!!! Head on over to our Late Night Underground Submission page and let your freak flag fly! The winner, picked by us, will receive something Late Nighty and awesome! Do it, sucka! DO IT! WHAP! SLAP! KA-POOF! (Okay, Ka-poof is stupid)

Here's another couple great costume entries that really made me laugh:

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Simply Maddenowing

You all know me as a pretty happy guy. A joyous person. An upbeat internet personality, if you will. However, there are times that I get... Grumpy! Yes! It's true! Mr. Grumpywumpy pants has been known to make an appearance (like when I tell my officemates that I wish they were dead for eating the last of the "Research Skittles"). Anyway, my point is that we've all got our frustrations and fannygazoos, and I am no exception. So here is one of them. A big one:

It is incredibly annoying to do a whole file for someone (like I did for Rachel Maddow), only to have them change shows at the last minute. This change means that, instead of having a file done for tomorrow's guest, I've got a crazy rush job that I worry about all day and have to rip through in like ten minutes! Crrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaap.

Now, this isn't Rachel Maddow's fault. And it's not the fault of our booking department. It's faultless! And that's one more reason why it's so frustrating; just because it's one of those things that happen (getting hit by lightning, getting mugged, getting mugged by lightning) just because they happen. Oh well. The silver lining is that she's going to be on the show on October 21st, so at least that file's already done! And it's not like she didn't have an excellent reason for wanting to switch - she's interviewing Barack Obama tomorrow night instead! These things happen.

Tonight on the show, we've got one of my faaaavorite bits - The Audiencey Awards! I asked our Photo Researcher Sarah Bruno how they get the pictures so fast, and apparently it happens like this: A couple of the writers go down at 4pm when the audience starts loading to scope them out; then the writers note where they're seated, and then they go upstairs and talk to Sarah to find pictures that match up with the people they picked! Easy peasy! Sarah said that she usually has about an hour to find all the pictures... And she did a GREAT job tonight, because the Papa Smurf joke is SPOT ON. Nice work, duder!

Now... Onto The Late Night Halloween Costumestravaganza '08! The entries keep pouring in, but keep them coming, folks! We won't decide on a winner until Midnight Thursday!! Remember, you can enter as many times as you want, and Chill & I will wear the winning designs all day Friday (and the designer will get something cool). If you want to send in an entry, please do so here: The LNHC '08 Submission Page!

Here are a couple submissions that we've gotten so far that I really liked:

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Happy Tuesday... Or as I like to call it, "Baby Wednesday"!!

What's up party people!? And a Happy Twosday to you all! It's the second day of the week, and if you all have a second, I have two things that I'd really like to share... With the both of you who are reading this. SPOILER ALERT: Today's entry contains many numbers. Why? Well, I just felt like making some lists! Makes me feel productive, you know? At any rate, if you hate numbers, this is not the post for you! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

Now let's get to it:

1. There's a brand new Underground video up today! That's right! It's there right now!! Get on over there and watch it! It's from a rehearsal a few weeks back, so I apologize for the lack of "freshness". Anyway, COMEDY NEVER AGES, right? Right. It only matures like a fine wine or a hot MILFF. And by "MILFF" I mean Mother I'd Like to Facebook Friend.

What? Get your mind out of the gutter, dudebro.

2. THIS:

Thanks to everyone who's already entered our awesome LATE NIGHT HALLOWEEN COSTUMESTRAVAGANZA '08 Contest!!! However, I have a little bad news - okay, it's not bad, just annoying: If you'd like to enter, please do so through our Late Night Underground Submission Page. Let me repeat that:

Please submit all your awesome Halloween Costume entries here!!

This means: IF YOU HAVE ALREADY SUBMITTED AN IDEA, YOU MUST GO TO THE UNDERGROUND SUBMISSION PAGE AND RESUBMIT IT TO HAVE IT COUNT.

I'm sorry, about this, guys. Sorry sorry sorry. There are many reasons for why this has to happen; reasons both legal and "oh god I don't want to lose all these awesome entries" related. It's complicated. Thank you all so much for understanding. ps - I am a moron.

Once again, please enter as many times as you want!! All entries are due before this Thursday night at Midnight (eastern time). The winner will receive something cool, and Chill and I will wear the winning costume designs all day on Friday!! To answer a few questions that people have been asking (in list form sorry dudes but I told you there were a lot of numbers on here today):

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100% Awesome, 10% of the Time

A hearty "HELLO" and a high pitched "HOW DO YOU DOOO" to everyone out there in blogsville! How was everyone's week last week? Mine was just delightful. Thanks for asking. I mean, no one asked, but I'm pretending like somebody did. Anyway.

Great show tonight, as we welcome Sir Charles Barkley to the Conan Couch, and follow that up with a healthy dose of Justin Long - and close out the program with musical guest ANNUAL! A solid effort from start to finish, this evening. Absolutely worth a look. True Story and Little Known Fact: I once arm wrestled Justin Long's girlfriend at a bar. I was waiting for a friend, and decided to arm-wrestle a bunch of chicks while I was waiting. She was one of them. Oh, and I should mention THAT I BEAT THEM ALL, EVERY SINGLE ONE.

I trust that you all listened to the AWESOME and INCREDIBLE (and all new!) Late Night Podcast this past Thursday! Stage Manager Steve Hollander was our guest, and was one of the best we've had so far!! The feedback from this last episode has been fantastic! Thanks to everyone who wrote in! If you listened to it already (and why wouldn't you have?), you'll recall a certain story of how Hollander gave up his special lip gloss to U2 frontman Bono right before they came back from commercial... Well, Steve has the picture hanging up over his desk and I'd be remiss if I didn't show it to all of you right here! It's hilarious!! Check it out:

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Intelligence Ball of The Magic

Well, it's about that time again: The last day before we have a week long hiatus! Like I mentioned before, we didn't have a show today, because we taped two shows on Wednesday - but tonight's show with Edward Norton and Ludacris is still all brand new to YOU!! It's a good one... Trust me. IT'S LIKE I CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE, GUYS. The show tonight will be awesome. You will win the lottery. And I am going to burp in exactly 3 seconds... *BURRRRP*.

It's weird burping in real life and then having to actually write the word "Burp".

Since there was no show today, my day was fairly laid back! I edited some Underground stuff (to put up when we get back), I edited next week's podcast (which will still be up on Thursday, rain or shine), I attended a "Conan Workflow" meeting about a new editing type system that we're going to implement on the show (as a precursor to how we'll be editing the Tonight Show when we move to the West Coast); Chill, Tracy King & I rocked out ROCK BAND 2 style (the new Motley Crue songs are KILLER), and I played with THIS:

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Always On The Run

Howdy, party people! I've got to make this quick, because I'm meeting up with a buddy who works at Colbert, and I stupidly agreed to meet him over by their studio, which is allllllll the way over on the West Side! Madness. I am a moron. SHOCKER.

So what's up!? First off, I'd be remiss not to mention the glorious new Late Night Podcast that went up today! It features Writer Andrew Weinberg, one of the originators of the hilarious fan favorite "Walker Texas Ranger Lever"!! He also deserves an awesome congrats for just having his first baby like, a week ago. So... CONGRATULATIONS, DUDEBRO. He named his daughter "Nico Gray Weinberg", which is a pretty awesome name if I do say so myself! I told him that Aaron works well for a guy or a girl, but he told me to shut my mouth. With his eyes. And his mouth.

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Two for the price of... Two!

Madcap capers and wacky hijinks today, as it's another Late Night doubleheader - we taped TWO SHOWS! Madness. Complete madness. As I write this right now, we're taping today's second show - which will be, of course, FRIDAY'S awesome show (Edward Norton & Chris "Ludacris" Bridges)! And before that, we taped tonight's show... Which is a sweet little package of comedy full of Bill Murray & Rob Corddry goodness! Plus that "whirlwind shopping tour" that I was talking about yesterday! Tonight's musical guest is great as well - Ray LaMontagne, for those of you who don't know him, is awesome. I've actually been really looking forward to him being on our show, but it turns out that I didn't even have time to go watch the soundcheck!! Instead, I was called away to go on a complete waste of time shooting in Times Squareawesome remote!

Here's what happened.

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Oh, I Smell A Fruit All Right...

Here's something weird: Today in the morning meeting, there was a bunch of fruit! Like, bowls and bowls of random fruit. Strange, man. No one seemed to know who had sent it, or why - whenever that happens, I immediately think of poison - but I was hungry, so I grabbed two bananas! Game on! So far, I'm full of potassium, and NOT full of crazy fan poison. Unless it's slow acting. GULP!

Today I helped Gordo (writer Michael Gordon, aka "the guy who usually plays the Masturbating Bear") put together the chihuahua bit in tonight's monologue! Fun times! I basically just:

- Tightened up what he had
- Changed the footage at the end (to make it look more recognizable as an auto show)
- Switched out the chihuahua shot with one where the paws were moving around more, and
- Added the LSD swirly eyes!!

Whew! The whole thing took about 40 minutes. The last thing I want to do to someone else's joke is destroy it - which I thankfully avoided! Awesome two times! Personal Sidenote: I am going to try to use the words "Swirly Eyes" more often in casual conversation.

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MSU Telecasters

Annnnnd we're back! Hello everyone. How was your weekend? Mine was AMAZING.

But we'll get to that in a sec.

Today was one of those days that makes people hate me, because I had to (I HAD TO) play some videogames for work. Writer Matt O'Brien had asked me early last week to lay some sweet Halo 3 killing to tape, and I was just too slammed to do anything about it until today. He ALSO had asked me BEFORE THAT to grab some Rock Band footage (a "sustained note" were his exact words) for this bit involving La Bamba called "Trombone Hero" that he's trying to throw together. So I went down and put the battle rifle smackdown on some Covenant Aliens before rocking the 5th floor with a face melting rendition of Boston's "Foreplay/Longtime" on the ol' Rock Band 2!!

See? I KNEW that being intimately familiar with Boston songs would come in handy one day! BAM. WORK COMPLETE.

...Almost. Other than the above, I also ripped through Rob Corddry's research today (he's having a baby next month!), and I got some very exciting news - news that is probably a lot less exciting to you than it is to us here in the office, but EXCITING NONETHELESS. And also, unfortunately, it's also SECRET NEWS - for the time being. You won't be excited anyway. I just like to be a dramatic tease about everything. INCLUDING THIS NEW SECRET NEWS THAT I AM EXCITED ABOUT. Ha ha. Let it burn, suckas!

Now... If you all would indulge me for a second, I'd like to talk a little bit about my weekend. It was awesome. I went back to Michigan State to talk to the students about how to get into the terrible cutthroat world of entertainment the amazing and beautiful world of television production! And if you're interested in how I got my job here, then click that "read more" link already!

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I Am Lazy and Yet You Reap the Rewards: Friday Fotos!!

I try my best to be entertaining on a daily basis. I aim to please with my mix of words. My turns of phrase. My beautifully illustrated prose. But you know what? I'll bet that you guys sometimes get tired of this crazy blog. Get bored reading all these boring WORDS and tedious SENTENCES. And to be honest, I sometimes get tired of writing them. My fingers have been overworked this week - as has by brain - and so I'm feeling a tad lazy. Listen: It's been a busy day and a busier week. I am exhausted. Even eating lunch felt like a chore. So tired.

So. Instead of boring you all with more WORDS and ENGLISH LETTERS, I have decided to take a bunch of awesome pictures!! They say that a picture is worth a thousand words... So this entry should clock in at around 7000 bad boys!! YEAH MAN!! LET'S DO THIS. FRIDAY FOTO TIME.

First up, Conan's special mug - you know, the one that he drinks out of on the show:

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Shame Ball

An embarrassment of riches today, as I slam a brand new Underground video into your eyeballs, and a sweet sweet new Podcast into your ears!! WHAM! KAPOW!! I'M LIKE A SWEET AUDIO VISUAL NINJA!!

Wait. What am I talking about? Audio Visual Ninja? Sorry. The 6 Red Bulls I drank today are making me a little insane.

Speaking of insanity: To my MAJOR disappointment, none of you offered any kind of help with our show's "Mad Pooter" problem I talked about yesterday!! Dudes!! We've got a major issue here!! Listen, there's no point in confronting the person - A. Everyone knows who it is, and B. THEY already know that WE know. It's pointless. *Sigh*. Maybe the only answer is noseplugs. Or a bunch of scented candles sprinkled around the set. Or MURDER. Murder is always an option. Especially after public humiliation fails!

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ANALPOCALYPSE.

I've talked about this before on this blog (twice, actually), and I can't say that I enjoy writing about this... But The Mad Pooter is at it again.

For those of you who are still blissfully unaware, there is a person on our show who has a bit of a farting problem. And by "a bit of a farting problem" I mean "they literally cannot control the gas coming out of their bowels to the point that it is affecting our show". Although I'm not allowed to reveal their identity, you can be absolutely sure everyone who works here knows who it is... And you can be absolutely sure that everyone here knows what he's capable of.

Unfortunately, so do most of our guests. Oh, absolutely.

You see, it's not enough that this person farts horribly and uncontrollably in rehearsal, but they do it during the show. DURING THE SHOW! Dude! And it's not enough that they do it during the show, but THEY DO IT IN THE PATH OF THE GUESTS. That's right, kids. THE MAD POOTER FARTS ON OUR GUESTS. Well, not exactly ON our guests - but they do it right in the path of the guest, so when a person in introduced, the TMP lays a stinky egg right in their path... And the person comes out from behind the curtain and gets slapped in the face by a big poo-nami!

It was so bad for Billy Bob Thornton's last appearance, you could actually see him wrinkle his face in disgust.

It was so bad for one special guest who came on our show, they even asked a staff member "What is that smell?" and that someone had to lie and say "oh, we were just doing some special effects stuff with smoke." WE HAD TO LIE TO A FAMOUS CELEBRITY PERSON'S FACE AND TELL THEM THAT WE HAD JUST USED SOME SPECIAL EFFECT SMOKE TO COVER UP A STAFF MEMBER'S FLATULENCE PROBLEM SERIOUSLY MAN GET HELP. Dude!! DUDE!!! If that's not a wakeup call to The Mad Pooter, I don't know what is. PLEASE. POOT. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEEK HELP. CALL YOUR DOCTOR. CALL YOUR PRIEST. CALL THE MAKERS OF GAS-EX AND ASK FOR A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION. Have mercy on Hollywood, dude. Have mercy.

Actually, people at Gas-Ex: If you're reading this, hook us up. Please. I'm begging you. I am worried that word's gonna get around that we've got a "loose cannon" here at the show and the famous people will stop coming. I'm not kidding; I am actually worried about this. I mean, if you had the choice to walk through a fart or not walk through a fart, which would you choose? Exactly. These people are famous. Why should they come on our show and plug their movie if you can't plug yourself?

Anyway, some people at work who have to work closely with The Poot have started a list of The Mad Pooter's victims. And they've hung it up backstage, right by where the celebs come out! Once I heard about this, I had to see it. And if *I* had to see it, then so did you! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present "The Hit LIst":

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Tapped Out

"Happy" Monday, y'all! I hope that everyone had a great weekend! We come storming back hard tonight with Jason Sudeikis on the show - and he's actually a GUEST this time, instead of being a super secret cameo person! (and on that note, I'm still looking for a prize, Keith... Sorry man. I will find something cool).

Anyway, today I did the research for this 13 year old kid, Noah McCullough, who's gonna be on the show on Wednesday! He's like a hardcore Republican who plans on running for the Presidential ticket in the year 2032! When I was 13, I was still trying to figure out how to talk to girls and trade my juicebox for something better in the junior high prison yard cafeteria. This kid is like deciding upon the platform for his eventual nomination to the highest office in the land! It makes me feel A.) Old, and B.) Like I have wasted my entire life. We all have different goals, I guess... ;)

So here's something about working at the show that you may not know: We get all kinds of free drinks here.

Soft drinks, people. Soft drinks.

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COMMENCE THE FRIDAY SURPRISE.

lt's Friday! Not only that, but I'm dubbing today "Face Melting Friday" because of the awesome FACE MELTING SURPRISE I'M ABOUT TO LAY ON YOU PEOPLE. Head over and watch the brand new Late Night Underground video that I just put up!! I think you'll like it... It has a little someone named WILL ARNETT in it. Ever heard of that guy? Yeah. You know. No big deal. Just some exclusive behind the scenes FACE MELTING WILL ARNETT FOOTAGE.

Thank goodness it's the weekend.

You guys will need those two days to grow your face back.

Onwards to last night's cameo question: Congratulations to Keith, who was the first person to reply in the comments with the identity of our SUPER SECRET SPECIAL CELEBRITY CAMEO GUEST last night! It was SNL's own Jason Sudeikis, who was the fumbling trombone player in the background of Ben Folds musical performance last night!! If you missed it, here's a clip:

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Stop Making Elevator Eyes At Me

As you all know, we've had a great deal of awesome cameos on our show recently - Tina Fey, Jack McBrayer, Will Arnett, Alec Baldwin... Carrot Top, for pete's sake - and tonight is no different!! We've got a sweet little cameo on tonight's show, BUT THERE'S A CATCH.

You have to spot them.

That's right, party people! Tonight's show features a really cool and awesome special guest, but only if you look closely. The first person to spot them correctly - and identify who & where they are - will get something cool from me! Just make sure you enter your email address in the email field when you make your comment. OH SWEET MOSES THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!!! Pay attention, kids. Pay attention.

Oh! Before I forget - make sure you check out the brand new Late Night Podcast today! We've had a few glitches this past week, but everything is back to normal... And thank goodness it's just in time to hear what the hilarious Talent Coordinator Lisa Phillips has to say!! It's one of my favorite episodes so far!

Today here on the show, we had our annual Sexual Harassment training. It was boresville... Population us.

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Louis Szekely

CK is the name
Being funny is the game
Take your medicine!

We have probably my favorite comedian of all time (second only to Bill Cosby) on the show tonight: Louis CK. No one else working today can tell a joke like Louis can. The guy is a master. Even reading the notes of what he was going to talk about on the show this evening brought me to tears... From laughing, guys. I was happy. Jeez.

When I was growing up, around 13 or 14, my love for standup comedy really exploded, and I began to worship at The Altar Of The Joke. Along with Louis, I idolized guys like Bill Hicks, Cosby (although I had already been listening to his records for years by that point), Steven Wright, Richard Jeni, George Carlin, Woody Allen, etc. These people were huge in my mind. Gigantic, towering Cloverfield-esque monsters of comedy... But instead of destroying New York City, they destroyed MY MIND with their groundbreaking humor and skewed ways of looking at the world. They all influenced me in ways that I can't explain - Louis was at the forefront of this, his dirty jokes really connecting with my addled teenage mind.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I met Louis after Conan's wedding.

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Sir. Prize.

First of all, right at the top of the blog, I have to get something out: Make sure you see the show tonight. Beg, borrow, steal - just make sure that tonight's show comes into contact with your eyeballs. You will be extremely happy. If you thought Carrot Top in the audience was funny, make sure to watch tonight. If you liked seeing Alec Baldwin do the Year 2000, make sure to watch tonight. If you liked seeing Will Arnett show up on Friday unannounced, make sure to watch tonight. Many surprises are in store. Many. Surprises. Store. Watch. I'm not even going to spoil it for you, as I am so fond of doing (oh you like it, you bastards). That's how much I like the surprise on tonight's show. Even if there WEREN'T any special things happening on the show tonight, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Michael Cera are two of my favorite people, so it'd still be great... But with the added bonus, it's AWESOGREAT!!!

Now I'm sure you all are aware, I am a huge WNBA fan. I mean, I am constantly talking about it on the blog, making references to it, cracking little WNBA inside jokes, constantly working marquee players like Cheryl Ford and Lisa Leslie into conversations around the office, thinking about it, living it, feeling it, I play WNBA Madden '09 all the time, I am always refreshing the ESPN WNBA blog to see the latest news, etc; the WNBA is a big part of my life. I mean, SPORTS is such a big part of my life that it's hard for me to talk about anything else at all, and within the realm of sports that it my life, the WNBA is basically all of that. As you all know. Clearly. From this blog. And how I'm always talking sports.

Ahem.

ANYWAY, because you all know of my GREAT LOVE for sports and the WNBA (see above), you can imagine the DEPTH of my PLEASURE when I heard that my HOMETOWN WNBA TEAM - The Detroit Shock - were in the Eastern Conference Finals against Chill's WNBA team, the New York Liberty!!! Oh, my joy was boundless. We were excited. There was trash talking. And shoving. And possibly blood or a red sharpie that someone had left uncapped. Whatever. You know what I'm saying. We were pumped. Not only that, being the gambling addicts that we are, Chill and I quickly made a bet - the person whose team was the victor would receive a WNBA team jersey purchased by the loser. AND LOOKY LOOKY AT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY, Y'ALL:

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And yes, I am feeling much better. Thanks for asking.

Okay, well, it might not be a "face melter" like I promised on Friday (I was in a dayquil induced euphoric haze), but there's another brand new Underground vid up today! The deal is this: Due to some desk/office reshuffling in Late Night land, we've got a completely empty cubicle on 9 West! That's wasted space, kids. WASTED SPACE. YOU KNOW HOW I CANNOT DEAL WITH WASTED SPACE. We are renting that floor, and wasted space is wasted MONEY. So Chill & I tackle the problem and try to come up with some way to put that space to better use! I hope you dig what we came up with!!

Today things were a bit slow around the office... We've got a bit until our next hiatus, and it feels like everyone is just kind of chugging along! I finished Robin Wright-Penn's research this morning, and then pulled the 13 year old Noah McCullough to research next!! The kid's even got a book! Hilarious. I'm not sure who he is or why he's coming on the show, but the book has to do with politics... And I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't curious about what his deal is! From Robert Reich to Robin Wright to a 13 year old kid, this job is predictably unpredictable! Madness.

Speaking of madness, I have been in the mood for poetry - so every day this week I shall compose an exquisite and stunningly beautific haiku about the day's show. Today's is thus:

Bill Maher, Simon Pegg
Two souls intertwined like snakes
Comedy snakes. HA!

Now you! Go! Do it!!

Sickness Is Universal

It's already Friday! I don't know about you guys, but this week has flown by faster than a... Something that flies by faster than something else! (Sorry. Brain no work today)

First off, a sweet Friday surprise - head on over to The Late Night Underground to check out a sweet new video! Does the fun ever stop?! No it does not. Just wait until you see the surprise I've got lined up for Monday!! It's gonna MELT YOUR MIND. In a good way. Brain yogurt ain't all bad, fool.

Speaking of fun never stopping, none other than Mr. Will Arnett stops by tonight's show for a little comedy bit! He's great. Great great great. Just such an awesome funny nice guy - it's great to see Conan and Will try to make each other laugh whenever Will is on the show, and tonight is no different! On the hook, anyone? Urinal stance? Check it out and you'll see what I mean!

In less awesome news, I have like face herpes or something. Some kind of terrible cold has descended upon my corporal form; specifically, my nose. Oh man. It suuuuuuuucks. I think I caught it from Hardy. And if I didn't, I'm still telling everyone that I did! SOMEONE MUST PAY FOR MY ILLNESS. I was so sick today that I had Special Late Night Underground Agent Chillcat (Jason Chillemi) go up and show COB the videos that I wanted to put up! The last thing I wanna do is make the host sick... His job is hard enough without having the Face Herp.

All right. Well, this was fun. I'll be honest, I phoned it in today - oh! Speaking of which, I got my phone fixed! How excellent! Just in time for the weekend... That I am about to sleep through. Ahhhhh. Sleep. It is a distant memory. Monday, kids. Monday's blog will be hilarious. Make sure to watch the show tonright... And be sure to watch the Presidential debate! It's the future of our country, y'all. THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY.

Have a great weekend, everyone! See you Monday!! FACE MELTING MONDAY!!

Topical and Emmylicious!

What's this? A blog post before Midnight? Am I feeling okay!? Is everything all right?!!

Yes. Everything is fine. My week is slowing down. OR IS IT?

Thursday is traditionally known as the fourth day of the week, and was originally named after Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. Many world altering and life changing events have happened on Thursdays - The Boston Tea Party, The Stock Market Crash of '29, last Thanksgiving when I threw up after eating three cans of cranberry sauce - WORLD ALTERING AND LIFE CHANGING EVENTS.

That's all well and good, but more important (and awesome) than any of those events is the fact that EVERY THURSDAY WE'VE GOT A BRAND NEW LATE NIGHT PODCAST RIGHT HERE FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO!!! That's right, kids - and TODAY'S podcast is EXTRA awesome, because it's our SPECIAL EMMY PODCAST!! Writers' Production Associate/Assistant Ruth Sinanian went to the Emmys this past Sunday, and we have her back on as a special podcast guest to ask her all about what it's like to be a guest at the Emmy Awards! Fascinating stuff. I hope you dig it!

The show tonight features another great bit by our old pal, Triumph, as he goes to visit everybody's favorite upsidedown hanging man, David Blaine! It's hilarious. Ch-ch-check it out!

Annnnnnnd this is the part where I run out of here before I get roped into staying past midnight! FEET DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!!

Later!

Me Am Smart.

Sorry again for the late blog. This show. My ass. Kicking is happening. You understand.

IT AIN'T CALLED LATE NIGHT BECAUSE WE GO HOME EARLY, KIDS.

The whole reason I got into Television in the first place was so I wouldn't have to do smart things. So I wouldn't be tested on my (admittedly feeble) intelligence. So I could avoid having to work at an occupation that routinely used words like "Oligopolies" and phrases like "the escalating flow of corporate money into politics to a conspiracy of big business and Wall Street seeking to usurp the machinery of Government and co-opt both political parties".

Uuuuh... Right. (Insert sound of mind bubbling out of skull and dripping down shirt collar)

Well, last night and today I had to do a rare thing: use my brain. And let me say this: It hurt far worse than I can convey in mere print.

On the show this Friday, following the lovely and talented Brooke Shields, we've got an EXTREMELY smart guy coming on the program - Former Clinton Labor Secretary and Superstar Economist Robert Reich! Talk about a topical booking!! Reich has written a book called "Supercapitialism" that I tried to read last night - I really did, honest - but it was just way too detailed. It made a lot of really great points, but the stuff I was highlighting quickly became a joke; we're not going to get to line-by-line examinations of Reich's theories on how the current flavor of American Capitalism is dangerously impinging on the average worker's democratic rights. I ain't a fortune teller, but I am a Late Night Researcher. And I can't see that happening.

So I didn't read the book.

Instead, I found a couple great and detailed reviews of the book that discussed the basics of Reich's thoughts, and pointed out possible dissenting views in his philosophy while placing them in the current context of the Wall Street Bailout that's currently going down. It just seemed like a way to save (me) our segment producers (and me) about 2 hours of reading through the book (that I would have to do) and trying to decipher all the highlighted passages (which would've taken me hours and wouldn't have been any help). Reich is an eloquent writer, but when I found myself highlighting a table entitled "REAL FAMILY INCOME GROWTH BY QUINTILE, 1947-1973", I knew that I was traveling down a road to Madness. So I stopped.

Reich is great, though! He's a super awesome dude, and was once in a bit with Conan on our show where they both played police detectives - the joke being that Reich is 4'11", and Conan is 6'4". It was hilarious. I'm sure he'll be an awesome guest.

In other news... And I will be talking about this a LOT more in the near future... WE GOT ROCKBAND 2 YESTERDAY!! Awwwwwwwwwwesssssssssome. It is really, REALLY great. A huge improvement over the original, which was amazing in its own right! We played for about an hour yesterday because everyone was so busy... But you can count on some sweet pics tomorrow, y'all!! A big THANK YOU to John and Jeff for hooking us up yet again! DUDES. YOU ROCK. Literally.

Until tomorrow...

Project: Private Eyes

Sorry for the late blogeroo, party people. It is Tuesday (well, actually I guess it's technically Wednesday), and already this week is having me for breakfast. And lunch. And an early dinner. And snacks.

What I'm saying is that I am already getting pwned this week.

However, HOWEVER, I am actually extremely happy because one of my many projects has come to fruition! That's right, kids - PROJECT: PRIVATE EYES IS COMPLETE. They said it would never happen - and by "they", I mean "me". Seriously. I thought it was a wash. Here's what went down:

A while ago, I bought a disposable camera. I wrote out a set of instructions, which I taped to the back.

The instructions were to take an interesting and or totally sweet "behind the scenes" picture, and then pass the camera along to another person. Simple, right? Well, it STARTED OUT simple. Apparently people are fine with taking pictures, but no one wanted to give it to anyone else! On three separate occasions, I had to give it to an intern and be like "go give this to a random person on staff and tell them to follow the directions on the back". THREE TIMES. Man. How hard that? Apparently, mucho hard. Let it burn!

Anyway, the instructions also said that when all the pictures were done, to return the camera to me - or at least call me and I would come get it. Also a rule that was not followed - the camera disappeared for over a month. Gone. Invisible. No one had seen it. After some serious time had passed I tried to track it down, but it had been so long that people had either forgotten who they had given it to, or the interns whom I had instructed to give the camera to someone random had already gone back to school. F!! Please excuse my dirty letters.

It seemed that all was lost, but I still had one avenue left. One last measure of hope. I sent out a mass email to everyone at the show, pleading with them to return my poor camera. Nearly everyone responded with a firm "I haven't seen it" and "sorry I can't help" and "who are you and why are you sending a mass email about a stupid disposable camera?" Also, have you ever sent out a mass email to 13 comedy writers? You're a fool if you think that you'd get a reply that's going to help. Ps - I am a fool.

So that was that. I thought that Project: Private Eyes was over. I wrote it off as one of my many (MANY) failures, and tried to forget about it.

But fate had other plans, kids.

See, in my email, I had promised amnesty to the wrongdoer. I had suggested that, if the person who had mistakenly kept the camera for so long was too embarrassed to fess up to their mistake, they could simply give it to an intern to give to me. There were no hard feelings. All was forgiven. And apparently whomever had the camera took that to heart, but took it one step further and anonymously left the camera outside my door. The creepiness of their action was completely overshadowed by the fact that I actually got the camera back at all!!! Awesome awesome awesome.

So what happened?! Like any true internet warrior would, I threw those pics in a scanner and posted them up in our photo gallery!! Click the "photos" link up top and check them out!! I have no idea who took any of the pictures, but I want to thank all the people on staff who took the time out of their day to take a sweet pic for the blog!! Thanks guys!!! You've made PROJECT: PRIVATE EYES A SUCCESS!!!

In other Late Night news, be sure to watch for LaBamba's big verbal gaffe on the show tonight!!! Oh man. He was walking up and down the hall ALL AFTERNOON repeating those lines over and over to himself... And I wish I could say that it did him any good! Poor LaBamba. You gotta wonder what's going on up there. You gotta. Wonder.

Ha ha. See you tomorrow - or later today, as it were!

Okay, we didn't win.

... But hey, it actually IS an honor to be nominated! Congrats to our good friends over at The Colbert Report - nice work, dudebros (and dudeladies)! You deserve all your tributes and accolades! Look at me. Using big words like "accolades". I've had schoolin!

Seriously though. Congratulations!

Conan and Jeff and Sweeney and all the writers and anyone else who went all took the red eye back from LA last night and came right into work this morning, so about half of our entire show was completely exhausted today! As a result, it was pretty chill around the office, and everyone split for home super quick right after we finished taping the show. So I'm here all by my lonesome this evening. As usual when I'm flying solo in the office, I am rocking out extremely loudly with the windows open... And let me just say; it is a beautiful night. Traffic outside has died down, and the moon has come up above the buildings. A cool, crisp Fall breeze is wafting in lazily through the window, and if I breath deeply, I can smell the delightful Autumnal scent of rotten garbage wafting up from 49th street.

Ahhhh. New York in late September. Just as disgusting as New York in any other time of the year.

So you know how Amy Sedaris did that whole "sinus cleaning water jug" thing? Well, the people who actually make them, Sinucleanse, sent over a bunch of them to our show! Pretty awesome... I refused to do it, but Chillemi LOVED it. Completely and totally. I've actually never seen him so excited! Okay, I've never seen him so excited about something that wasn't the Yankees or Pearl Jam. That dude LOVES Pearl Jam.

Anyway, I will now end this post with pictures of the Chillcat cleaning out his sinuses! Enjoy!

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It's all Crickets & Tumbleweeds round these here parts

I'll keep this short, because - well, because there's nothing really to talk about. Conan, Jeff, Sweeney, and all the writers are all in LA for the Emmys, so the office was pretty dead today. I got in at 1:30 or so, and have just been procrastinating all day! I was gonna do some Julianne Moore research, but instead I edited a bit of a video we finished shooting earlier in the week ("The Bane Of My Existence" video, for those of you keeping track). When I got tired of squinting at keyframes and shortening edge wipes (editing humor guys, sorry) I went upstairs and farted around with Chillemi as he explained the rules of the Ryder Cup and I pretended to listen. Then I came back down here to my office, threw open the windows and blasted some rock n roll for the tourists down below on 49th street! WELCOME TO NEW YORK CITY, SUCKAZZZZ!!!!

And now I'm listening to Brendan Benson at full volume and writing this blogeroo for all you folks.

Check out the show tonight - just because we taped it on Wednesday don't mean it ain't awesome! Dwyane Wade is HILARIOUS on the show this evening... And is wearing just about the biggest championship ring I have ever seen in my entire life. Amazing. You have to be a professional athlete just to LIFT that thing!

Oh! One last thing - I'm still feeling a little guilty about not being able to show you guys that old COB remote, so in an attempt to assuage the dark dank cloud of self pity that's been hanging over my head these past few days, I traded a "Vault Surprise" for a special "Friday Surprise" by going and posting a brand new AWESOME UNDERGROUND VIDEO FOR YOU ALL TO SEE!!! Check it out!! It's one of my favorites I've ever put up... For many reasons. Watch it and you'll find out why. ;)

And that's about it, kids! I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and make sure root to for us at The Emmys!!! I could sure go for some delicious Jeff-Zucker-bought celebratory bagels come Monday morning, so I'm hoping for victory! Strap on your lucky pants and check out what happens Sunday night!!

GO LATE NIGHT!!

Rockin It Ugg Style To The Maxxx!

ANOTHER crazy day today! We thankfully only had one show to tape today... But we taped it two hours early!! That means that it was a lot like yesterday with everything being all crunched up, but instead of having to rock out an entire other show tonight, we get to leave early! How kickass! What this means is

All the important people and writers = running to the airport to catch flights to LA for The Emmys.

All the rest of us = running straight to the bar to begin the weekend early!

Tomorrow the show is dark, but we'll still have a new show and I'll still be right here with a new blog for y'all! Speaking of new things, check out our brand new Podcast that's up today! Writer Dan Goor (who now writes for The Office) was kind enough to drop in for a quick podcast to lay down some knowledge nuggets before he left a few weeks ago!! It's one of my favorites we've done so far, and I hope you like it!

On the show tonight; Fellow silver fox Anderson Cooper, the iconic Willie Nelson, and the long awaited performance of Southside Johnny with LaBamba's Big Band! I have to say, I was a little thrown to see LaBamba up there rocking out, but they sounded awesome... and Richie's got some sweet DANCE MOVES, yo!! Nice work dudebro!

Okay. Now the event that everyone's been waiting for... THE TOP THREE MAXIMUM UGG PICTURES!! If you missed it, on Monday's show we had the hilarious Ricky Gervais on, and he explained that sometimes when he's bored he tries to take a picture of himself making the ugliest face possible - it's something of a hobby. Something that helps him pass the time. A personal challenge, if you will. Well, on Monday's blog I asked everyone to make their absolute ugliest faces and email them to me... And I promised to post my three favorites today!!

Let me just say that you guys really outdid yourselves. Wow. Man. I've been having trouble sleeping at night after going through all hundred or so of these UGG STYLE FACES! Nice work, everyone. And thank you all for being brave enough to show your ugly and disgusting colors! Here are my three favorites:

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Two Timing!

Well, the Vault Surprise has been cancelled. It ain't happening. Shot down. Crash and burn. Total failure.

Hey man; that's how this comedy business works! Everything and anything has a chance of getting cut. Sorry everyone. It's called "The Vault" for a reason - when things go in, they rarely ever come out! Here's a little taste, at least:

It was a remote that we shot during the strike but never aired; Conan went around the office showing off all the different places that his name or face could be seen! Oh well. Maybe someday it'll escape out into the world. Probably not, though. SORRY.

Sigh.

Anyway, I know it's a poor substitute, but Chill & I shot a brand new video that can be seen over at The Underground today! The amazing and talented Script Assistant John Crotteau recently left the show, so we decide to let the new guy have a little bit of the ol' "Late Night Hazing" Treatment!! I hope you like it! And of course there'll be a brand new podcast tomorrow - (Former) Writer Dan Goor takes the mic and lays down some sweet comedy writing truths!! Prepare yourselves.

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Where Monologue Jokes Go To Die.

Sometimes when people visit the show, I like to give them a memento. A special treat. A gift. Something to remember the show by and prove to their friends that they actually got a sweet "behind the scenes" tour (since the dawn of Photoshop, pictures have become less impressive). One of the things I started doing a while ago was giving people Monologue jokes! They're cool, impressive... And most importantly, once they've been used, they ain't being used again. Like sporks.

Anyway, one day it struck me; where DO all those mono jokes (that I'm not stealing and giving to people) end up? Do we save them? Donate them to the Smithsonian? Is there some kind of "Joke Release Program" where the bad jokes have to go and pick up trash by the side of the highway? I went down to ask our Cue Card guys Steve & Steve (that's not a typo - they're both named Steve - and they're both left handed) to find out. And that's when I learned about magical mystery of The Almighty Joke Dump:

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It's just like that movie "Man Without A Face", except I HAVE a face. And it's ugly.

Okay, well, once again I am a raging d bag. Not only did my little surprise backfire today, but I STILL didn't get a picture of the joke dump! Tomorrow, friends. Tomorrow. The anticipation builds!! The excitement grows!! The amount of you awesome readers who want to murder me because once again I have broken a promise to post something awesome multiplies in numbers!!

Sorry.

Tomorrow, friends. Tomorrow. The magic is right here and waiting to be uncaged from my laptop and let loose on the unsuspecting internet world via The Underground... It just needs a little something special - a little something called "approval from the higher ups". This is coming from The Vault, after all. Not the VAULT vault, but the 6 month ago vault. I don't want to lead you fine people on any more than I already have... As if that was possible, ha ha. Sniff. Sorry. Again.

Oh! A quick piece of business: Remember when we had Jimmy Vivino's band "The Fab Faux" on the show on Friday? Well, this Thursday we've got LaBamba's band coming on!! Hey man - turnabout is fair play, no? They're called "Southside Johnny with LaBamba's Big Band", and they're getting ready to blow the roof off the 6A mothah! LaBamba wanted me to say that everyone should go out and grab (aka "Purchase" - don't steal, kids) his new album! You can find it iTunes, or any place that they sell those archaic things called CDs! Do it today, fool - those hats he wears don't just grow on trees!

MONSTER show tonight, with Samuel L. Jackson, Ricky Gervais, and Marc Broussard!! And it's another full couch night tonight!! Ahhhh... It just doesn't get any better, folks. We are kicking down the door of this week hard! I love it!!

I did Gervais' research, and there was something really awesome I found that we used on the show tonight - Ricky has this blog that he writes in constantly, and I came across this great thing where he says that one of his favorite hobbies is to take pictures of himself looking either as ugly as possible, or as surprised as possible - he captures his ugly mug on his cellphone whenever he's alone or he he has a spare minute. And to prove how fun it is, he makes Conan get on all fours sausage party style (wink wink) to take a picture of a surprised photo! Hilarious, hilarous stuff. Anyway, I decided to give it a shot myself... I took three pics trying to make myself look super ugg (spoiler alert: It wasn't that hard to do). What do you guys think?

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chill hits the twin cities

Hey there internet.

Chill here. It has been a long time. I hope everyone is doing well. I have missed you guys, but I know you guys have been in the awesome hands of Bley. How sweet are those Late Night Podcasts? I love them!!! I can't wait to see what that guy comes up with next. Things here with me are great. We've had a lot of time off during the summer which has been nice. Plus, as you guys know, I am a huge sports fan, so the 2 weeks of the Olympics kept me covered. I literally think I watched like 20 hours of Olympics a day. It distracted me from the major slump my Yankees were in...but that is for another blog. And i do still believe that they can comeback and make the playoffs. Mark my words!!!

On the workfront, last week I headed to the Twin Cities (Minnesota-St. Paul) to cover the Republican Convention. And as the diehards have seen twice already on our show and if you tune in tonight, for a 3rd time: You will see that we sent Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to be our correspondent! You know it is a great shoot when you can basically get 3 different remotes out of it. That is a lot of bang for your buck!!!

The shoot started slow as originally we were going to leave Sunday night and shoot for all 4 days of the Convention but then Mother Nature had a say with Hurricane Gustav. So we delayed our trip until Tuesday day as we were busy worrying about everyone down South. Once we arrived Tuesday day, we hit the ground running as we went right to the convention with the proper credentials to let us in. There will be no sneaking in a la Westminster Dog Show. This time we were legit. It was a camera crew, Robert Smigel (Triumph), a writer, myself and a local guy from Minnesota who helped us. I cannot tell you how huge it is to have someone from the city you are in helping you when you are on the road. San Francisco, Chicago, Toronto, Finland, India...we would have been a mess without a local guy in every place we visited! They know where stuff is, rules for parking, tricks of the town. It is key!!! So we literally worked 2 straight days shooting everything from in the Convention, outside the Convention, talking to delegates, elected officials, other reporters. I hope you have enjoyed the 2 that aired already and the one that is gonna hit you guys tonight. And who knows, maybe there will even be a 4th....

I have attached some pics of my time there and i present them with the heading: They are horrendous!!! I barely had any time to breathe so I apologize for the lack of focus and coolness of them. But you can almost catch Triumph in one of them! Photography is not one of my skills. I'm sorry. "Watching Olympics" on the other hand, I am heavily skilled at.

Click the link to see the (horrendous) pics that I took at the RNC!

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Sell Phone.

You know, it's been too long since we've put up an Underground video - getting all that Podcast stuff up and running really took it out of ol' Bley - so today there's a sweet new rehearsal vid up for all to see!! Head on over to The LNU and brighten up your day with a little sneak peek into the Year 2000! I think all y'all will dig it like a shovel! A pretty shovel. With sprinkles on top.

Mmmmm. Sprinkles.

Our show has been all about cameos lately! Yesterday we had James "The Mighty Lip" Lipton on the program, and TONIGHT... Well, you'll have to tune in to find out! I'll give you a hint, though - we used to have a lever on the show named after him (wink wink)!! The lever doesn't make an appearance, but the man does... And En Espanol, no less!!! On the show tonight, there's some truly awesome Telemundo asskicking acti- SWEET LORD I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.

Watch and see the glory, party people.

Now, you should only keep reading if you want to hear about something bad that happened to me the other day... You know what time it is, kibbles n bits... It's time for a sweet TUESDAY NIGHT PITY PARTY!!!! Whoop whoop!!

Here's what happened:

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Ol' Bessie Lou

With the advent of HD, it's easier to see the details of our set - but there are some things, that unless you're a guest on the show or Conan O'Brien himself, you will never know.

Unless, of course, you're a fan of this blog.

I went down today and took a picture of ol' Bessie Lou, up close and personal - a view that you would never see, unless you're lucky enough to get famous and come on the show (or get a private tour or whatever). Even people who work on this show were shocked to see it:

Click on the picture for a closer view!

Back when we were doing ringspins and all that, a lot of people boasted that they could spin their rings for much longer than COB's record... Well, I'LL BET YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE YA?! Trying to spin a ring on that surface is like trying to spin a ring on GRAVEL. It's impossible!

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I must have used the joke "Hey, Look At THESE Tim Gunns" like 20 times today.

Happy Friday, Party People!! it was a crazy day here at the show today; for one thing, today is our intern Alex's last day!! It's not TECHNICALLY his last day, because he'll be back for the Winter semester - so it wasn't as bittersweet as a usual intern goodbye. However, a goodbye is still a goodbye, so to send him off we had our traditional Donut Fiesta in the morning followed by an awesome Pizza Party for lunch! It was disgusting and delicious. It was disgustinglicious. Or deliciougusting. Or disgusicisting. What I'm saying is that I am full of sugar and pepperoni, and it's not a great combination. There's also some bacon in there from earlier... Look, I don't want to talk about it.

Fun show tonight - Triumph, Jerry O'Connell, Tim Gunn, and the "Stuff White People Like" guy - and I have to say, I really love when the guests stick around on the couch after their segments. It so rarely happens that we've got a full couch at the end of the show; but it just looks so much better! Plus, when people hang around, COB can include them and make callbacks to previous segments - which he does tonight to hilarious effect! Awesome, baby. Tres awesome.

Something else that was tres awesome today: We finally shot another Underground video! Well, part of one. We're shooting the rest of it on Wednesday! Here's a sneak peek:

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"E" For Effort!

First of all, it's Thursday (again? Already?) - so that means that there's a brand new Late Night with Conan O'Brien Research Department Podcast up today!! Man, I will never get sick of that obnoxiously long podcast title. NEVER! Today's guest is none other than the beautiful and talented Writer Coordinator Associate person, Ruth Sinanian!! She talks a bit about the writers' room, mice, and a little game called "Baghead". AWESOME, BABY. Thanks Ruth!

I had to get to work a bit early today to take some notes on a little satellite feed action - some of the footage for today's Triumph at the Republican National Convention remote!!! Man oh man, some of the stuff that they get away with is classic! Great stuff... And I think we're showing more tomorrow night as well! Best to finish the week STRONG, knowhatimsayin?! Besides Triumph, we've got Dr. Phil (who is DEFINITELY not getting divorced), Kevin Connolly (the supercool "E" on Entourage), and an AMAZING musical guest, Adele! That woman can sing!! I was especially happy with how well Kevin Connolly did on tonight's show; Dr. Phil is always greenbacks in the comedy bank, but you never know how a guy like Kevin Connolly is going to turn out. Luckily, he was extremely gracious and really happy to be here and he tried really hard annnnnnd it turns out, he's an awesome and hilarious Late Night guest!!! Everybody wins. Today's giant burrito count = ZERO.

Now, let me say that I know that the Olympics were like, a MILLION YEARZ AGO OMFG GUYZ SRSLY - but our awesome Stage Manager Steve Hollander went to Beijing (along with a bunch of our other crew dudes) to work with Bob Costas, and it's just too cool of an experience to not comment on. So LET'S DO THIS:

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Taking a Bite of The Big Burrito

There's that old saying that goes "sometimes you get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets you". Well, today the bear got me.

I'm writing this at... What, 12:30am? and it's the first time that I've actually had a moment to breathe. Yes, sometimes I DON'T play zombie videogames all day and I actually have to work.

Okay, well, to be honest, part of the reason I'm here so late is actually because I had to play zombie videogames - it took hours and hours and lots of hard thinking and trying of different cords and video settings and finally some calls to knowledgeable maintenance men (thanks, Dan) to hook up the Wii to the proper this and that so that Bley could start laying some of the patented Bley Zombie Smackdown to tape! It was a headache. By the time we actually got around to doing what we needed to do, I would have gladly given up my brains to the slobbering undead hordes for violent consumption.

And you know how much I hate having my brains eaten by zombies.

Aside from that there was last minute Vivica research, ripping though Jerry O'Connell's file (he's having twins!), two Underground videos I'm desperately trying to finish editing, ordering turtles and a pan flute for another Underground video we're shooting Friday, editing this Emmy B-Roll situation, massaging Grace's fragile ego so she's not crying all the time... The list goes on and on. As most readers of this blog know, I have somehow like five jobs here at the show - I don't really mind all the work, actually, but there do come days where all the bad planets align, and I have a bad day in ALL of those jobs. Those days are few and far between, but they're bound to happen. You can bet the farm that eventually, you will roll snake eyes, and the bad planet piper will come a calling (sorry if I'm not making any sense - my brain is a sack of wet graham cracker paste).

What having five bad days at at the same time means is that I have basically five bad days all wrapped up into one giant terrible Godzilla of a bad day. Think of it like a giant burrito - instead of delicious cheese and beans and salsa and brown rice and sour cream and possibly some shredded spicy pork, today's burrito was filled with angry people, disappointment, loss of dignity, nervous sweat, falling up the stairs, a sunburned head, and what seems to be an UNBEATABLE LEVEL IN HOUSE OF THE DEAD 3. Seriously, man!! I shot that big dude in the head like 40 times! What gives?! Anyway, my point is: Today's burrito sucked.

Even though the burrito sucked, today's taco platter (aka the actual SHOW) is a delicious treat for your eyes and brain!! Hopefully, uh, you're watching it right now!! We've got Nicolas Cage, the beautiful and sassy Vivica A. Fox, and a band named after the two airlines that I fly most: Delta Spirit!! Awesome! If that's not a sweet comedy enchilada smothered in a creamy sauce of blissful entertainment, I don't know what is!!!

Sorry about all the mexican food metaphors... I think it's time for me to eat some dinner and go home Seriously. I think I can feel my stomach digesting itself. Is that even possible? Anyway, tomorrow's Thursday... I mean TODAY is Thursday... Soooo look for another sweet Late Night Podcast later today!! How exciting!

See you all in a bit! I'll get to those comments when I get back here in 7 hours.

I wish I was kidding.

Ha! Sniff.

Sunburns, Zombies, and Fox Poop... Just Another Tuesday Here at the Show!

Hello Internet! How was your sweet three day Labor Day weekend?! Mine was swell, except for the fact that I somehow got a major sunburn on my head! Not my FACE, not on my NECK, but on my HEAD. The top of my head. Right on the top. It literally stops right at the hairline. Let me tell you something about white hair, kids: It don't do nuthin' to block the deadly rays of the sun. Dig it:

Okay, so you can't see the burn that well in the photo. But it's there. And it burrrrnnnnns. And it makes me look like a fool. A FOOL... Just like every other day! Ha!

ANYWAY.

Every year around this time, there is a bit of a scramble here at the show... A mad scramble for Emmy B Roll! See, this year, like many years, our show was lucky enough to be nominated for an Emmy in teh category of Best Writing for a Comedy, Variety, or Musical - so, while they read off all the names of all the writers, we like to play some kind of funny footage! We're not the only ones; many show carry on this hilarious and dubious tradition. In the past, we've done such things as each writer being a different Charlton Heston from a diffferent movie; a different "Price Is Right" gameshow contestant running to the stage, a bunch of migrant workers piling into a pickup truck, a bunch of different James Liptons dressed in costumes - we've even had all the writers playing themselves while being abused by Conan! Awesome. Well, this year one of the ideas is to have all the writers as zombies in a videogame getting shot to pieces by COB! So, naturally, it fell to me to find the perfect zombie murdering bloodbath videogame to use!! I came up with a list, but the one that everyone liked the best was The House Of The Dead 3 for the Wii! If they decide to go in that direction, I think it'll be perfect... And tomorrow I'll be lucky enough to spend an hour or two laying some of my patented Bley Zombie Smackdown onto tape for editing!! Oh, this job can be a blast sometimes... A SHOTGUN BLAST TO A ZOMBIE'S FACE, to be exact! KAPOW, SUCKA!!

In other "smackdown" news, be sure to check out the show tonight! We've got animal trainer Jarod Miller on the show, and a certain "animal" lays a "smackdown" of their own on Conan during tonight's show!! It's great!

All right, not to ruin anything, but a particular "fox" busts out a little "smelly shotgun blast" of its own right in COB's lap tonight! It's awesome!

Okay, what I'm saying is that a "fox" takes a "big dump in Conan's lap" on the show tonight!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I almost threw up while watching, but can't tell if it's because I was disgusted or because I was laughing so hard! It was probably a little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Annnnnnd I think that'll about do it for tonight - how can you top fox poop? You can't. I'm getting out while the gettin's good! Peace, y'all!

Goor is Out The Door

Even though today is Friday, and even though today is the Friday before a delicious three day weekend (for possibly the first time in 16 years we have Labor Day off), today was a dark day.

Reason #1: Today was the last "Summer Friday" of the year - all throughout the summer, we taped an hour early... For no other reason than it helps us take advantage of the awesome New York Summertime weather, we taped all of our Friday shows starting at 4:30pm instead of 5:30pm! Awesome, no? Not anymore, it ain't!

Reason #2: Today was Writer Dan Goor's Last Day at the Show! Dan has been blessing the late night world with his jokes for the last five years, and we are all sad to see him go; after all, he was behind such brilliance as Gyno-Blast, The Masturbating Bear Bobblehand Doll and that whole "Horny Manatee" thing!!! Excellent work, old friend. Excellent work. Dan is leaving us, but will be moving on to bigger and better things - he's leaving to take a new writing job on the Amy Poehler-helmed Office spinoff!! How exciting!!! He wouldn't (couldn't) divulge any details about the project, but said that he was really excited about the whole thing... After all, sitcoms are a whole different ballgame than late night TV; the ability to really craft something that can really endure isn't exactly the hallmark of late ngiht television, after all. The Masturbating Bear not included.

While today was his last day on the show (he's moving to LA on Wednesday) Dan will actually still be contributing material from the West Coast for the next couple weeks, so I'm happy to see that the "Goor Stamp" on our comedy won't be disappearing quite yet! The Research Ladies and I interviewed him for the podcast yesterday, and we'll be posting that episode in two weeks - on his 2nd to last OFFICIAL final day in the Late Night stables - so there's still a little bit of Goor to look forward to!

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I Could Also Gold Medal In "Poor Personal Hygiene"

Hello, and a happy Turdsday to all you people! Just like every Thursday here on the Internet, we've got a brand new podcast for you all! This week's guest is none other than Ms. Cecelia Pleva, Late Night's Casting Director! Cecelia is in charge of working with the writers and casting all the people who appear in sketches on our show - she talks about her sweet computer brain, as well as the infamous Late Night "Older Sluts" file! Give our sweet sweet ear honey a listen, won't you?

Last night there was a bit of drama, as we had a last minute cancellation - I had to stay late to see who was gonna be booked - and lo and behold Anthony Anderson stepped up into our second-guest slot to complete the puzzle of guests for this evening's program! He's hilarious, and even croons his love for ol' Consie! Awwww. His silky smooth love tune made me flush with excitement! Well, it was either that or this rampaging illness I have plundering what health might still remain in the hopes of finally bringing this whole house of cards that I call "my body" down in one fell swoop! Sometimes it's hard to tell love from sickness. Are those butterflies in my stomach? Or the beginnings of a serious gastrointestinal disorder? This is how I think, people. It's not fun. My mind's a scary place... I probably shouldn't go in there alone!

Getting away from my neuroses and back on track, our first guest tonight is the "King of The Backstroke", Gold Medalist Aaron Peirsol!! I reeeeaaaally wanted to go down and touch his gold medal - if you get my drift - but I restrained myself. Anyway, isn't there that thing where if you touch an Oscar you'll never win one? I thought it prudent to keep away from Peirson's Gold Medal in case "Napping" or "Shame Eating" ever become Olympic events! I'm a shoo in!!

Actually, all joking aside, I hope to one day win an Emmy... So when Stage Manager Steve Hollander brought one of his many Emmys into the office, I refused to touch it! is that weird? Probably. Do I care? Not in the slightest.

Now, you're probably thinking "Why does Hollander have so many Emmys?" No? Well I'll tell you anyway - the reason is because he also does sports stuff for NBC... Like the Olympics, for example! He was actually in Beijing for the last three weeks, stage managing Bob Costas' show! Sweet, huh? I asked him to bring in a couple of pics to post on the blog, so hopefully I can show you guys some of the Far East awesomeness that he got to experience!! He's a great friend, and I'm happy to have him back! The show just isn't the same without him (and for those of you who watch the rehearsal videos over on the web, Hollander is the guy you hear in the beginning always counting down or saying "anytime"). Goooooood grrrraaaaavy.

Today and the past couple days we've been doing a bunch of research on the Republican National Convention that's happening next week - not the most exciting of topics, to be sure, but it's all for one VERY exciting reason... We're sending Triumph out to the RNC next week!!! Oh man. I can't wait for him to start taggin' & baggin' those suckas! It should be a good time, so that's something awecellent to look forward to after the sweet Labor Day Weekend!

Peace out, Girl Scout!

Conan Vs. Tiger Vs. Canada

Rough day today - it seems like everyone here at work is sick! I'm sick, Hardy's sick, Parra's sick, Chill's sick, (Producer Tracy) King's sick - everyone's sick sick SICK. It sucks. There's some sort of cold making it's way around the ranks, and the fact that we all work so closely together here means that if somebody's got it, EVERYBODY'S got it. Also, our daily post-show orgies are probably a bad idea.

CONAN VS. TIGER
Like I mentioned yesterday, the great Tiger Woods was on the show today, and he was AWESOME. I love Tiger - he's just a genuine, down to earth, awesome guy, and he's always great on our show. Today is no different... He comes on the show and plays Conan in his brand new Tiger Woods Xbox game! It was pretty sweet; especially when you see the character that EA Sports made to represent Conan... A STUNNING likeness. I love it when we do stuff like this - we had COB play Serena Williams at Wii Tennis, and it was just as hilarious - although, unlike Serena, Tiger is actually really good at his game. It was hilarious to watch his Tiger's eyes light up when they start playing... That guy must really miss playing golf!

CONAN VS. CANADA
But that wasn't the only battle taking place on the show tonight - during the monologue, COB discovered (while making a Canadian joke) that for some reason 90% of our audience hails from the Great White North! I'm not sure if they all came together, or if they're all one giant family, or if they're all a bunch of liars, or WHAT - but it was really weird. And once that little tidbit of info came to light, IT WAS ON. Conan let fly with Canadian joke after Canadian joke!!! Conan's always great off the cuff, and tonight was no exception!

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Busy as a Bee, Bendy as a Knee

Wow! Totally insane day today - I did the research for Tiger Woods, and he's on the show tomorrow, and... Well, I got slammed with a bunch of last minute research requests!! Everything from getting some of his signature Gatorade, to press conferences, to whether or not he had a cadaver tendon used in his ACL surgery! Whew!!

Man, every time Tiger comes on our show, the guys go WILD. I mean, the men are always excited when we've got a supermodel or another pretty face on the show, for sure... But when it comes to Tiger, the glee is on another level entirely.It's CRRRAZZZZY. I don't know anything about golf and I'm not good at it (mostly because it doesn't involve comicbooks in any way), but there are so many doods who play golf on our show, it's hilarious to watch them lining the halls with forced nonchalance in the hope of sneaking a peek at the golf legend! I have a feeling that there will be LOTS of Tiger "Woods" here at the show tomorrow! HA HA HA HA! ;)

In other less, ah, "erect" news, we recorded a BRAND NEW PODCAST this afternoon, which I think you're gonna like - that'll be up on Thursday - and we also tried to shoot a brand new Underground video, but it turns out that it's "against the rules" to light my hand on fire in the office! Can you imagine that? Against the rules! LOOKS LIKE JOHNNY LAW DON'T LIKE NO FIRE, POPPA. Oh well... It's probably for the best. Listen kids, fire is dangerous. It's a lot like a woman: It's fun and exciting at first, but in the end it'll only burn you and hurt you and break your heart and try to sleep with your best friend and actually succeed in sleeping with your second best friend and then while apologizing slip something in your drink and drag you out to the car and put you in the trunk and dump you under a bridge off I-75 in the dead of winter with nothing but twenty bucks in my pocket all because I said I didn't want to be a vegetarian.

So don't play with fire, kids.

Especially fires named Brenda.

Anyway, I just finished watching the Democratic National Convention for things to make jokes about - and hopefully I got some humdingers! Looks like it's about that time to bust out the metrocard and ride the rails home!! See you all tomorrow!

My Personal Commitment to Faketegrity

Whoa. Where am I? What is this? Who are you people?

Sorry. It's been a while.

WELCOME BACK Y'ALL! I hope everyone had a really great two weeks. How was it? What happened? For my part, this break seemed insanely long - almost to the point that I forgot I had a job or that I do anything other than watch the Olympics, eat delicious Cheetos, and get up at 3pm everyday! Madness. But now we're back and I can feel normal again... Oh, how I missed you, Internet. Did you all remember to listen to the two brand new podcasts that premiered over the break!? If not, check them out now!

Oh, and you can now subscribe to our free podcast through iTunes (Warning: Clicking on that link will open up your iToons)!! Oh glorious day... And be sure to look for another scorching podcast episode on Thursday! KAPOW!

Now, our Augustian two week hiatus traditionally marks the end of one season and the beginning of the next... So I would like to officially welcome everyone to the 16th (and final) season of Late Night with Conan O'Brien! Oh, how the time flies when you're having fun - or when you have to do a show every day. Either way, the time FLIES, people. It's quick. It's nimble. I can't tell you the number of times I've looked up at the clock to find that the day is almost over and the show is about to start - but today, I actually had to do a little clockwatching, which sucked. Why? Well, because I had to fill out all these stupid GE Learning Assignment things: Specifically, "A Personal Commitment To Integrity".

Sigh.

Let me explain.

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Giving Em Eargasms With My Mellow Accent

WELL WELL WELL... WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

If you're an eagle eyed reader, you might notice something a little bit different about the ol' Insider tonight; in accordance with Section 4 Subsection B-2 of the OPERATION SILENT THUNDER Charter, we've added a brand new Podcast Section to the blog!! Just click on the "Podcast" tab up there on the Insider header, and it will take you to our sweet sweet depository of audio goodness! Today's Podcast features our very special guest, Music Coordinator Roey Hershkovitz!! I hope you like it!

Starting next week (hopefully), we will actually be a real podcast and be available on iTunes... When that happens, a "Subscribe via iTunes" link will appear at the top of the podcast page - hopefully by the time our Third episode rolls around next Thursday! So be sure to look for that.

It's a little ironic that I'm posting so late tonight, because we taped early today! It was a 3pm show, and like every time that we tape early, the day was a super time crunch! I busted out some Tiger Woods, figured out some swear words in Chinese for a bit today (hey, we're a classy show), and got shot in the head several times with a Nerf gun by PR Superman Marc Liepis!! That dude is a hard man to kill - he's just like Jason Bourne, except if Bourne used Nerf guns. And wore glasses. And had plans to sing "Owner of a Lonely Heart" at karaoke tonight. PS - good luck, bro! That song is tough!

Speaking of dangerous men, we've got none other than the most dangerous man on television, JACK BAUER, on the show tonight! Okay, okay, it's actually Kiefer Sutherland... But I still wouldn't get the guy angry. ;) Also on the show, the insanely funny Jim Gaffigan; his Waffle House bit tonight had the Research office in STICHES! Seriously, I haven't laughed that hard since... Well... Since Liepis told me that he got sucked into singing "Owner of a Lonely Heart" for karaoke!! HA HA HA HA HA. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. I'm sure he'll do well. Heh. Sniff.

Sooooooooooo... That'll about do it for this evening, AND for the next two weeks! Oh man. It seems like I just had two weeks off! Crazy crazy crazy. I knew these stupid Olympics were good for something! The spirit of International Competition is all well and good, but nothing says "Brotherhood" like not having to work! Yesssss. Anyway, I hope everyone's next two weeks are totally awesome! I want everyone to do one cool and/or unique thing in the next 14 days, and then come back here and tell me about it! Please, people. I have so little left to live for.

Oh! And one last reminder - Remember, even though the show and the blog will be off on hiatus for the next two weeks, the podcast will not!! THERE WILL STILL BE A BRAND NEW PODCAST EVERY THURSDAY!!! So at least there will be SOMETHING Late Night related happening in the next 336 hours, right? Right. Daddy knows you need your medicine! You're welcome, my babies... You're welcome.

Have an awesome two weeks, y'all! Be seeing you!

Take Me To The River...The AWESOME River!

A mad crazy day today!! First off, I command you, COMMAND YOU to go over to the Underground and check out our exclusive TRIUMPH OUTTAKES FROM COMIC CON! Aren't you glad I tell you what to do all the time? Also: Put a sweater on before you catch a cold. And stop being so mean to your sister.

You know, I'm not going to lie: Sometimes researching can get boring. I mean, as completely fascinating and enigmatic as most celebs are, you actually do reach a point where you get tired of reading about them. You actually do reach a point where it's like, I literally cannot read one. more. single. article. about. this. person. That's why I was INCREDIBLY thrilled to do the research of our second guest today, Mr. Philippe Petit! Petit is a high wire artist - more specifically, the high wire artist who walked on a cable between the Twin Towers in '74, which was an important and significant event for many reasons (expand your mind a bit and read about it here). Plus, the guy speaks like a poet - every quote he gives involves being passionate about life and love and... Well, being happy. The guy is a lockpick, a pickpocket, a juggler - the list goes on and on!! His file was DELIGHT to read... And his interview today was a DELIGHT to watch!! All in all, a very satisfying guest! Tonight's show is fantastic, by the way - Seth Rogen kicks things off as our first guest, and the legendary Al Green is batting clean up!! I went down and watched Al Green's soundcheck, and it was amazing... He's just such a sweet and happy guy; he was kidding with Max about playing the song too fast, fooling with the crew, dancing around, joking with us folks in the audience - what an awesome dude. I didn't think he could POSSIBLY get any cooler, YET HE DID. Plus his voice is STILL AMAZING!!!! Unbelievable!!!

Even with all the awesomeness floating around, today was a sad day here in the research office, as today was the last day of one of our AWESOME interns, Rachel!! Rachel, or as I like to call her, "Rach Against The Machine", is totally awesome and smart (she goes to Columbia, people) and sweet and funny and great! The office won't be the same without her good humor and sardonic wit. Good luck with all your future endeavors, Rach!! And tell that machine of yours I said hi!

See youse all tomorrowz!

Can you blame him? Kittens taste delicious!

Hello kids! I have to do this quick, because time is short - and we've got a lot of things to get to!

First off, a big thanks to everybody's favorite hilarious fake newspaper, The Onion, for tapping the Late Night Underground as the coolest thing this week (aka "the Most Tolerable"). Thanks, guys! You're the best!! (Sidenote: If, for some reason, you people out there aren't reading The Onion, you're being huge a-holes. Seriously. Read that thing. It's amazing.) And while we're on the subject of the ol' LNU, there is something EXTREMELY COOL going up on there tomorrow... So make sure to check it out!!! I think y'all will be pretty impressed and excited!

Secondly, awesome show today - "Friendo" of the show Javier Bardem drops by, as does the hilarious Danny McBride! Now, you may remember that I was less than thrilled by McBride's weird confusing fake karate demo he did on our show last time (as seen here in the comments)... But tonight he comes on the show as himself and is mucho funny!! Way to redeem yourself, brother! Nice work!! I can't wait to see him in Pineapple Express!! That trailer really cracks me up.

Thirdly, we'll be posting a BRAND NEW PODCAST THIS FRIDAY, so make sure you stock up on diapers and smelling salts!! It's a doozy!

Fourthly, you look really nice today. Those pants really bring out the color of your eyes.

Fifthly, the airline pilot bit that I was talking about yesterday (that was cut) is now on tonight's show!

Sixthly, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the kind words about my sweet ass tux t-shirt... And I thought I'd share a pic of one of our awesome interns Dan "The Baker Man" Goodwin's kickass torso cover:

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Feeling a Bit N*E*R*Dy? Mmm?

The Pharrell-helmed hip hop group N*E*R*D was on the show today, and while they were great, I do have to say something: Pharrell is ridiculous. I mean, okay - there is fashion, and then there is "edgy" fashion, and then... Well, then you've got stupid. Come on, dudebro. I mean, the guy was wearing a button up white cardigan and diamond earrings. You know who else wore a button up white cardigan and diamond earrings? MY GRANDMOTHER. Dude. Seriously. You really need to start surrounding yourself with some people who'll tell you no once in awhile. The legend says that even Caesar had a guy follow him around and whisper "remember, you are mortal" into his ear... It's good advice, duder. Especially when talking about fashion sense. Remember, this is coming from a guy who wears tuxedo t-shirts! ;)

Fashion policing aside, there was a last minute scramble with the comedy today as our excellent and amazing writers were called upon to crank out a last minute "Small Talk Moment"! There was supposed to be a Jet Blue pilot bit on tonight's program, but we just couldn't get the blocking right - things weren't really meshing together that well (among other things), so it was decided to hold it for tomorrow and whip out a little witty Weinberg/O'Brien banter!! That's why, in tonight's show, when COB flubs a few lines, he makes a joke about the piece being written "minutes ago" - he wasn't exaggerating! There was no time to rehearse!!! It was all carried off beautifully, though... After all, these guys are professionals! Don't try this at home, kids. Don't try this at home. (Not because it's dangerous, but because you guys re-enacting a small in your house just seems a little creepy).

Oh!! Also tonight: We premiere Writer Dan Cronin's brand new "Google" bit!! I thought it was hilarious, and I think it shows real promise as a future reoccuring desk piece!! Watch it and lemme know what y'all think!!

Finally, thanks to everyone who commented about my sweet tuxedo t-shirt with their own stories of weird t-shirt insanity... Post some pictures, if you got em! I wanna see these bad boys!

Peace out!

That Totally Tux!

... And a happy Monday to you all!! I'm so happy and relieved to hear that OPERATION: SILENT THUNDER was a success!! I was worried, party people. Mucho worried. But hey, it all worked out! Like I said before, we'll be posting a brand new podcast every Thursday - regardless of hiatus or not - and I'm really hoping to get that thing on iTunes before the week is out! Regardless, people without iPods will be able to listen to it right here on the blog... So have no fear either way!!

I had a tough day today - not because of anything work related, but because of my clothing choice! See, a lot of times, being a "comedy yukster", I will wear stupid ironic T Shirts to work. There's no dress code here at the show, and people wear what they want - and I choose stupid looking funny shirts, alright? I've been doing it for years, and have never gotten any comments... UNTIL TODAY. Today I wore one of those amusing 80's throwback "Tuxedo" T Shirts:

And I got ripped apart!! Everything from "Hey, where's the wedding?" to "Yes, waiter, I'd like some extra bread". It was merciless! I know, I know, I work at a comedy show with people who are paid to write jokes... But still! This is like the first time I've been verbally avalanched! I literally got like 30 comments from people. It was crazy!! I don't really understand what the huge deal is... I mean, I work in an office with people who are dressed even worse, and THEY don't get any guff:

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OPERATION: SILENT THUNDER

There are a handful of momentous, truly paradigm changing events in the history of Mankind. The Big Bang. The separating of Pangean Supercontinent. That time that those monkeys found that giant black monolith (as recorded in the famous documentary "Stanley Kubrick's 2001").

And now, the most momentous occasion of them all... THE CONCLUSION OF OPERATION: SILENT THUNDER.

Are you ready? Are you REALLY ready?! Are YOU really ready?!? Are you really READY?!??

Then, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present...

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Where There's One, There's A Million

Last night there was rocking. Severe, awesome, violent, dangerous, delicious, rock band rocking. The Rock was strong. The Rock was pure. SO pure, in fact, that after we were done rocking there were groupies who tried to make it backstage (or in this case, into the office)!!!

Okay, actually that's not ENTIRELY true - it was only one groupie.

Oh, and I should also mention that the groupie wasn't exactly human.

It was a cockroach.

A MOTHERFLIPPING COCKROACH RIGHT THERE IN THE DOORWAY, ENJOYING OUR ADMITTEDLY PRETTY SWEET ROCKING. Guys, it wasn't just a tiny bug, either. It was HUGE. Like, the size of my thumb! I know exactly how big it was, in fact, because I grabbed the nearest thing I could find - in this case, the glass bowl that Chillemi eats/ate cereal out of every morning - and TRAPPED THAT SUCKER RIGHT UNDERNEATH. It ran around and around trying to get out, but couldn't. Ha HA!! Team Bley = 1, Team Roach = ZERO. Check and mate.

Chillcat, Producer Tracy King, and I then debated what to do with it. Tracy alternated between saying it was "cute" and resolving that we should smash it to death. I said we should take it, bowl and all, and leave it in someone's cubicle for a nice little morning surprise (ps - I am a rotten bastard). Chillemi's suggestion won out, however - we slipped some paper underneath it, took it into this crazy fire escape shaft thing that runs down the whole length of the building, and tossed it over... After we left, I'm sure it just flew right back up and tried to turn on the Xbox to rock out. BUT IT COULDN'T BECAUSE IT WAS A ROACH AND ROACHES ARE STUPID.

So yeah. We might have roaches in our office... Which is INSANE, because we are ON THE NINTH FLOOR OF A SKYSCRAPER MADE OF STEEL AND HATE AND GLASS. However, I guess it's not THAT crazy - after all, about three or four years ago, we were infested with mice!!! And when I say infested, I mean completely infested. They made nests in Susie Santomauro's shoes!! It was insane. We had to move our whole office across the street for several months, while they killed them all (and redid our offices in the process - bonus!). When the mice were at their height (you could see them running down the hall), I actually bought a fake mouse and some fishing line, and strung it across the hall so I could pull the fake mouse across the floor and scare people!! HA HA HA HA. It was awesome. I think monologue writer Brian Kiley had the best reaction; he screamed like a woman and danced around on his tip toes!!! Ha ha. My second favorite reaction was our Executive Producer Jeff Ross, who saw the mouse and without breaking stride or making any sort of facial expression, literally just pointed at it and said "Mouse." THAT GUY IS COOL AS A CUCUMBER. Unbelievable.

The Late Night program this evening features something HISTORICALLY IMPORTANT: The "Scrabulous" bit holds the title for the MOST REHEARSED COMEDY BIT OF ALL TIME. I'm totally serious. It's the sketch on our show that will go down in history for having to be rehearsed and rerehearsed the most times!!! Crazy. I guess it's a little complex, but certainly not the worst we've atttempted. Anyway, check it out and lemme know what you guys think!!

Tomorrow: OPERATION SILENT THUNDER WILL BE REVEALED.

See you then!

...And Sometimes There Is Free Stuff.

Today I received some free stuff. Stuff I did not have to pay for, yet still received. Things that were not asked for, yet are sweet and fun to play with. Well, actually the stuff wasn't exactly sent to moi; it was sent to Talent Assistant Ashley Olivia, and... She said that when she got it, she immediately thought of me. I wonder why? I'll tell you why: It's because I'm like 8 years old.

NERFPOCALYPSE, Y'ALL!!!

We had a sweet Research Department Nerf fight between me, Parra, Hardy & my sister Lisa... Here's what I had to contend with:

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Welcome to Metaphor Hotel, We Hope You Enjoy Your Stay

Hey kids! Do you like Primus? Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my - No? You don't want to see that? Okay. Well... What about a brand new Underground video?! That's what I thought, y'all. Enjoy!

Tonight on the show we've got the hilarious Jason Sudeikis, the frightening yet scary Vladimir Klitschko, and the awesome classic rocking of Rose Hill Drive!! Good stuff!! I'm going to be honest with you folks - I feel like there just hasn't been enough sweet guitar solos on the show lately. You know what I'm saying? You feeling me? Anyway, tonight's musical guest fixes that problem right up! Thanks, dudebros.

Let's see... What did I do today? Well, I spent about an hour trying to digitize this tape of Triumph at the San Diego Comic Con (for a future remote!) onto a laptop for Jordan Schlansky, and I kept running into insane problems. It sucked. It was crap. It was actually so difficult that it was PHYSICALLY PAINFUL. Seriously! It was just like that part in Fight Club when Brad Pitt is giving Edward Norton that insanely painful chemical burn on his hand and won't let Norton stop the burning - only instead of his hand, it was MY MIND. Yeah.

If you've never seen Fight Club... Well, then it was like that part in The Shining where Shelly Duvall hits Jack Nicholson in the face with that bat and he falls down all those stairs and then blacks out - only instead of getting hit in the head, it was MY MIND. Yeah.

If you've never seen The Shining... Well, then it was like that part in The Godfather where Sonny is going to go kill that one guy who beat up his sister and those guys jump out of that tollbooth and shoot him like a million times - only instead of a tollbooth, it was MY MIND. Yeah.

If you've never seen The Godfather... Well... Uhhh... W-well, then it was just like this horribly written and repetitive blog post where I keep referencing movies and making poorly conceived metaphors in the hope of squeezing out a few laughs from your stony exterior - only instead of a metaphor, see, it was -

*Gunshot*

*The sound of a body hitting the floor*

Sorry everyone!! My gun went off. Oh! And I fell off my chair. Nothing to worry about! Ha ha ha... I'm j-j-just going to take a small trip over to the emergency room... Nothing to worry about... I'll be fine... It's so cold...

So... Cold...

Fool School!

Hey kids. Pop quiz! Do you like quizzes? Well, neither do I. But you know what? I like this blog to be informational as well as entertaining, so drag your rotting brainpans out into the light for five minutes and take my awesome Late Night quiz! Follow along and write down your answers! OH THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCITING!!!!

LATE NIGHT POP QUIZ

Question 1: Our first guest tonight was SUPPOSED to be...
A.) Kelsey Grammer
B.) Kelsey Kardashian
C.) Kelsey and the Sunshine Band
D.) Bono

Question 2: When our first guest canceled at 10:41am this morning, we then booked...
A.) Carson Kressley
B.) Carson Daly
C.) Carson City, Nevada
D.) Carson Davidson, who everyone of course knows as the director of the famous 1965 (I swear to god) OSCAR NOMINATED classic "Help! My Snowman's Burning down"

Question 3: Our first guest is plugging a show called...
A.) "How to Look Good Naked"
B.) "Aaron Bleyaert Certainly Knows How to Look Good Naked"
C.) "Aaron Bleyaert Certainly Knows How to Look Good Naked: Tape a Life Sized Poster of Heidi Klum to the Front of Your Naked Body, Fatass. You disgust me."
D.) "Jeopardy"

Question 4: True or False - Hardy freaked out when she heard that our first guest canceled.
A.) False
B.) True
C.) Uuuuhhhh.. The first one?
D.) Both B & C.

Question 5: Max comes back...
A.) Tonight
B.) Tomorrow Night
C.) Wait, Max left?
D.) Okay guys - listen, if Max finds out I made a joke about people not knowing he was gone, I'LL "be gone" faster than you can say the words, uh, "Max hired a contract killer to wipe Aaron off the face of the Earth". Which, admittedly, is not that fast. But still; it's something I'd rather not happen to me, speedy or not. So let's just keep this little question to ourselves, k? Thanks.

All right. PENCILS DOWN. The answers are A, A, A, A... And A & D. Shhh!

See you all tomorrowzzzz!!

I Predict A Riot

Working here in 30 Rock can be, at times, rather surreal. For starters, nowhere else IN THE WORLD is there as much TV produced in such a tiny amount of space: Us, SNL, Dateline, NBC Nightly News, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, The Today Show, NBC Sports, etc. Are all located within like 200 feet of each other. Secondly, the building itself is historic - I'm sure you're all aware of the tours our poor pages give - and the architecture, along with all the sweet murals everywhere, is just phenomenal. Then you've got the World Famous Rockefeller Center Ice Rink in the winter months, as well as the insanely large Christmas Tree. In the summer months, you've got The Today Show concerts rocking out in the plaza every Friday... And to top it all off, we're right next to Radio City Music Hall! They've even made a sitcom (an AWESOME sitcom) about what it's like to work here: Of course, I'm talking about the eponymous "30 Rock".

In short, there is always something crazy going on either inside this building or outdoors. You all saw my beautiful parade picture the other day, right? RIGHT?!

Yes, well, today I get a phone call to run upstairs to Talent Executive Paula Davis' office - whose birthday it is today, by the way ; Happy Birthday P. Diddy! - and when I got up there, I arrived to find everyone hanging out of the windows!! Remember up above when I mentioned how we were right next to Radio City Music Hall? Well, there was a GIANT RIOT outside our building because the Dalai Lama was visiting Radio City this afternoon!!!

Oh, and you guys'll be happy that I learned my lesson from Tuesday and got some pictures that YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE:

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We Gotta Stay Positive

Kids, great news - Operation: SILENT THUNDER is off and running!! Expect something awesome the week we get back from hiatus!!! Oh, and I haven't even TOLD you guys about Project: PRIVATE EYES, which has been going for awhile, and will hopefully be done before the week is out (it's mostly out of my control at this point). OH HOW I LOVE BEING CRYPTIC. HA HA HA HA.

Today went as follows:
- I edited a whole bunch of stuff to show to Sweeney.
- I switched desks with my sister (it was a MASSIVE - but necessary - undertaking).
- I stood by and tried to look tough while Conan mock-seriously explained to Sweeney why he calls me "Blunder Bear" all the time.
- I had a bunch of the Huck Finn commercials that didn't make air bumped off (lingo for "put onto a different format" - in this case, from DVD to an IMX tape) so that we can put them up on the web.
- I sat and daydreamed about what life would be like if I wasn't dead inside.
- I watched Seth Green's hilarious segment... Followed by Russell Brand's hilarious segment (I gotta look up some of that guy's stuff! He's awesome).
- I listened to the CRAZY good new Hold Steady album - Oh man, I hope we have them on soon!!
- I reworked this Google thing to re-pitch for the third time. It's hard to keep being excited about something the third time out... But that's the rub, ain't it?
- I re-found my awesome body fat scale, which Hardy and Parra then used to measure their body fat... And talk about it for the next TWO HOURS.
- I helped Dan Goor out with a problem he was having with his "Audience Holds Up Cards With Pictures On Them" sketch (it's for tomorrow, I think?).
- I picked my nose for a bit. I love picking my nose.

... And what did YOU do today??

My Mom's Taco Casserole is Freaking Delicious.

Guys, I screwed up. Today, all day, right outside my window, was the All Star Parade - all the best players that America's Pastime (baseball, not obsessing about gas prices) has to offer were parading slowly by my office window for a good part of the day. "Awesome." I think. "Today's blog is gonna write itself."

Well, today's blog HAS written itself - only, it's written in FAILURE..

See, I took a bunch of great pictures of the All Star Parade from my window. I'm looking at them right now, actually - Look! There's the one that has all the people laughing and cheering in the stands! There's the one with some famous dude waving at the crowd! Oh, these are delightful. Just delightful. There's just one problem.

I can't get them off my camera.

I won't bore you all with the technical jibber jabber, but basically I lost the cord to my camera - so the pix ain't happening. HOWEVER, in addition to being an awesome amateur scientist, male model, and vigilante crimefighter, as many of you well know I AM ALSO AN ARTIST, AN ARTIST OF FINE ART. And so it is no matter that I can't get these stupid pictures off my stupid camera; I SHALL DRAW THOUST A PORTRAIT OF FINE ART SO LIFELIKE IT WILST BE AS IF THY ARE THERE. (Sorry for my masterful illustrious prose... I've been reading a bit of Shakespeare lately, and I can't help it if the ol' bard's magic has rubbed off a bit). So here's what the parade looked like from my window today:

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Guys The Dark Knight Is Totally Awesome. I Mean, Holy Crap.

Hey hey Party People! First off, for those of you who are awesome folks and who entered our "Make Your Own Commercial" contest, THE WINNER IS ANNOUNCED TONIGHT!! Thanks to everyone who entered - we actually got a lot of really great entries! Tune in tonight and find out if you're the big winner - picked by our very own celebrity judge, no less!!

Now... How was everyone's weekend? Mine was bleeech. Just okay. Nothing special. Not a big deal.

Wait, I'm lying. HA!

GUYS, MY WEEKEND WAS COMPLETELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AWESOMETASTIC BECAUSE I GOT TO GO TO A SWEET PRIVATE SCREENING OF THE DARK KNIGHT LAST NIGHT!!

Oh yeah. It may be in all caps, but it's all true, baby. ALL TRUE.

Thanks to Producer Dan Ferguson (thanks dudebro!), I was lucky enough to be invited out with Conan, Segment Producers Dan Ferguson & Frank Smiley, and our Music Coordinator Roey Hershkovitz (no idea how THAT guy got to come along, but whatevs), to a sweet private screening of The Dark Knight last night!! It was in the opulent Warner Brothers Screening Room here in Midtown Manhattan, and it ROCKED. The whole experience was mucho awesome, and the movie... Well, the movie is incredible. Seriously. Holy crap.

I won't ruin anything, but let me just say this: I am a huge nerd. And, as a kid, Batman was my favorite superhero - the guy doesn't have any superpowers! - and so I was super excited to see this flick. Plus, the first one was awesome... AND all the talk of how great Heath Ledger was as The Joker really put a LOT of pressure on The Dark Knight to be an amazing movie... And, well, it is! It surpasses the hype on every level. The action is fantastic, the story is great, the performances are UNBELIEVABLE, and it blew us all away!! We all LOVED IT; and that's saying something, because the five of us are a pretty critical bunch (to put it lightly). To say that it's a comic book movie really doesn't do it justice - it's on a whole other level above that. It's a movie with comic book elements. It's super dark, and really screwed up, but also really gets you thinking - the rare movie that wows with explosions, but stays in your head and makes you think about what you've seen hours after you've left the theater. Definitely do not miss this movie. It's a good time.

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You Gotta Fight! For Your Right!! To Harrrrrdy!

...So how was the season premiere of Burn Notice last night? Did you guys watch it?! I missed it, but the NBC microchip implanted in my brain forced me to see SOMETHING NBC related in exchange... So I went and saw The Incredible Hulk! There was one love scene that was awful, but the rest of it was TOTALLY AWESOME. Holy crap. That scene on the college campus was, dare I say, INCREDIBLE? Seriously. Him getting mad at the thunderstorm was also a nice touch.

I'm super excited about this weekend, because one of our producers, Daniel Ferguson, set up a special "Dark Knight" screening for Conan, and I get to go!!! It'll be me, Dan, Producer Frank Smiley, and Conan!! I can't wait!! I did Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart's research, so it's technically "work"... THE MOST AWESOME WORK THAT I'VE EVER HAD TO DO. I'm super pumped.

Great and HORRIFYING show today, as LaBamba sheds most of his clothes! I can't believe that dude shot down a bit I pitched to him where he had to wear a black spandex bodysuit... AND THEN GOES AND DOES THIS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. What gives, bro?! Anyway, watch as he tries to leave the studio - I think he got what was coming to him.

Finally, today is the last day of SHARON HARDY IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD week!! the response has been OVERWHELMING - Thank you to everyone who sent in your stories; I'm sorry we couldn't get to all of them! Almost every single one was totally crazy, however, and that was something that I didn't expect! I thought it would be appropriate to end the week with an actual, TRUE TALE of how Sharon is so great... TOLD BY THE WOMAN HERSELF!! So ladies and gentlemen... May I present... The Best Person In The World... SHARON HARDY:

"Hi all! I've really enjoyed reading all of your stories about how awesome I am. But I just wanted to set the record straight that I'm not THAT awesome. You know, I can't fly and I don't have crazy powers... I am a REAL PERSON, just like all of you! So I thought I'd share with you my own story of how awesome I am:

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Wow... NBC Really Wants You To Watch "Burn Notice"

After my "Burn Notice" elevator freak out yesterday, our office was on high alert for anything and everything BN related - and, UNFORTUNATELY, I've got two new insane things to report.

First of all, The Best Person in The World Sharon Hardy saw something crazy on her way into work today: Outside on the 30 Rock plaza, there were 8 or 9 people all in Burn Notice Tshirts, short-shorts with Burn Notice across the ass, holding "Burn Notice" boogieboards, on rollerblades. Hardy says that they were all together posing for a picture, but she was under the impression that they were all about to zoom off in different directions to rollerblade all over the city. That is insane.

Secondly, one of our interns Scott said that he was walking through Times Square this morning and he saw a GIANT SAND CASTLE WITH THE BURN NOTICE CHARACTERS ON IT. So I sent one of our trusty interns, Ian, out to grab pic of this shameless promotion:

...Or what USED to be a shameless promotion. HA HA HA HA. Looks like some of you faithful readers got there first!! Nice work, guys. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to let it go. I'm not going to let it bother me. I'll just punch an intern in the head a couple of times, take a steam bath in Chillemi's APO Room, and then relax. (that's how I usually deal with most of life's stresses). My unhealthy fixation with ridiculous Burn Notice promotion is starting to bleed out into other areas of my life - it's affecting my work! For instance, yesterday I was so angry about those stupid Burn Notice posters that I forgot to mention a couple awesome things that happened yesterday! They are as follows:

- I went down and watched the legendary Joe Cocker during his sound check. It was incredible! He did one of my favorite songs of all time, "Feelin' Alright" - and was accompanied by Dave Mason (from the band Traffic) on guitar!! For all you younger/not-as-musically-nerdy-as-me people out there, this is cool because Feelin' Alright was originally a Traffic song that was written by none other than - you guessed it - Dave Mason!!

- The Hulk tripped while running through the brick wall out of the studio yesterday during the show!! Did you guys catch that?! To make matters even more funny, Lipton looked lost after he got out into the hall - providing us all with one of the funniest impromptu show moments in the last couple weeks! Poor Lip.

- There was a fire drill yesterday... BUT IT WAS AT 9:30AM, BEFORE ANY OF US GOT HERE!!! Ha ha ha ha. Awesome awesome awesome. One less time that I have to hide under my desk is always a good thing. ;)

And today, TODAY kids, something completely RAD went down in the Research Office:

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You Have Got To Be Kidding Me.

Guys, I am mad. I am angry. I am irate. I am ireful. I am fuming. Vexed. Incensed. Choleric. Livid. Outraged. Huffy. Hot. Cross. Full of raging, vitriolic fury. What I'm trying to say is that I am upset. Also, I finally bookmarked Thesaurus.com.

Why am I filled with so many synonyms? Well, because those sweaty suckas over in the NBC marketing department have put MORE GIGANTIC AND FRIGHTENING AND UNNECESSARY AND OBNOXIOUS POSTERS IN ALL OF THE 30 ROCK ELEVATORS:

Can you believe that crap? Ugh. Man! There is nothing worse than obnoxious, "hey look at me look at me look at me" in-your-face advertising. They did this once before with an ad for "The D-LIst Awards", and it was almost unbearable - I took the stairs for weeks. And I'm fat, so you KNOW I was mucho pissed.

To recap briefly, my problems with these insane posters are thus:

1. They are actually giant, wasteful PLASTIC STICKERS (aka they make Mother Earth cry).

2. Putting these giant ads in the elevators is TOTALLY POINTLESS because we here in the building already know about these NBC shows - we are the people who are make them, dude.

3. All these posters are for just one show. ONE SHOW. Why not mix it up? Do we not have enough money to make more than one kind of poster at a time? Or is NBC trying to saturate us employees so fully with "Burn Notice" ads that we become part of their new "NBC Universal even owns your dreams while you sleep" advertising campaign? (Honestly, that'd be okay with me - I really could do with one night of NOT dreaming about my teeth falling out while I'm naked in the Housewares section of Kmart).

Let me just say something right now: I've seen a couple episodes of "Burn Notice". And I'm not gonna lie; I thought it was a pretty awesome show. It was smart. It was funny. It was action packed. It had the totally awecellent and hilarious Bruce Campbell. It was kind of like "Miami Vice", but like, good. However, now that I see that Burn Notice has been given the "D-List Awards" ad treatment, THERE IS NO WAY I WILL EVER WATCH THAT SHOW, EVER. NOT IN A MILLION, BILLION BILLION BILLION YEARS, NOT IF YOU PAID ME MONEY, NOT IF YOU GAVE ME A SWEET JETPACK SO I COULD FLY AROUND, NOT IF YOU BROUGHT MY CHILDHOOD TEDDY BEAR CHIEF SNUGGLEBUTTONS BACK FROM HIS WATERY GRAVE, NOT IF MY LIFE AND ALL THE LIVES OF EVERYONE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET DEPENDED ON IT I WOULD NEVER WATCH BURN NOTICE NEVER NEVER EVER. Seriously. Right now, if aliens or werewolves or sentient trees (like in that stupid Shamalamalan movie holy moses it was terrible) took over the earth, and they came to me and were like "Aaron. Dude. We will let everyone on the planet live if, and ONLY if, you watch just ten short minutes of the season premiere of Burn Notice", I would be like "Sorry, Tree Men. Looks like those posters have doomed humanity. Just kill us. And make it as painful as possible." (Unfortunately, "As painful as possible" probably means "riding in a 30 Rock elevator with one of those dumb Burn Notice posters for more than three seconds", so they've got me either way. Oooooh NBC. You are some right smart bastards.)

Now, as many of you know, I don't just take things sitting down (except whiskey - getting black out drunk while standing is too dangerous). So when this new BN elevator invasion sprung up, I decided enough was enough!! It was time to put "Burn Notice" on...Uh, burn notice! It was time for some VIGILANTE JUSTICE, BABY!!! Just like Batman!! Except that I'm fat. And poor. And bad with gadgets. Also: I am afraid of bats. BUT I KNEW THAT IT WAS STILL TIME FOR SOME AWESOME BATMAN VIGILANTE JUSTICE.

Unlike Bruce Wayne, I am a man of simple means and sparse funds - so I took some paper, scissors, a marker, the most dangerous weapon of all - MY MIND - and I went and "Modified" a bunch of the posters a little bit. Here's a taste of what I'm talking about:

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Best Game Ever

Sharon Hardy is The Best Person In The World Week continues today with this little nugget sent in by Samuel Ou... It's a fake story (I'm guessing) about how awesome Hardy is, but IT'S AN AWESOME STORY ABOUT HARDY NONETHELESS AND SO SHALL BE PRINTED HERE FOR ALL TO SEE:

"How Great Thy Is" by Samuel Ou

always grateful,
shardy fan.

Excellent work, Sam! I mean, you sound completely insane, but I appreciate the awesome Hardy story!! Remember kids, if you've got something to share about the World's Greatest Late Night Researcher, Sharon Hardy, sent it to Sharonhardyisthebomb at gmail dot com and join in the fun fun fun happening all this week!!!

Now, on to the sports section of today's blog:

Last night we had our first Late Night Softball Game in three years! Why three years? Well, here in NYC space is at a premium - and softball permits are harder to come by than a clean stall at the Port Authority! So all of us here at the show were just delighted when our friends over at the hilarious and awesometastic VH1 show "Best Week Ever" invited us out to swing the ol' bat around!! (They actually don't have a permit either - The Daily Show is on hiatus this week, so we were all using The Daily Show's permit! Thanks guys!!). About 17 Late Nighters came out to play, and many more hung out in the dugout cheering us on! It was pretty sweet... And the game was INTENSE, yo. Late Night was down by 6 at the end, but we made a major rally to force extra innings! The final score?! 15 to 15!! IT ENDED IN A TIE BECAUSE THE LIGHTS ON THE FIELD WENT OFF JUST AS WE WERE STARTING THE 10TH INNING!! Laaaaaaaaaaame duuuuuuuuuuude. Much booing ensued! You know what THAT means... REMATCH!

As for the specifics of what will soon be referred to as "The Legendary Late Night Comeback of '08", I'll let Coach Chillemi give you all the play by play of how the end all went down:

"Never have I been more proud than by our "never say die" attitude. Down by 6 in the late innings, we were able to cut their lead to 15-12 entering the bottom of the 9th. With 1 out, Aaron Bleyaert and Matt O'Brien hit a couple of clutch base hits to get the tying run to the plate. Then with 2 outs and our backs against the wall, Todd Blass hit a double to center that scored them both, making the score 15-14. That monster hit was followed by an even bigger one as John Rau rapped a triple to right-center that scored Todd and tied the game. This run forced extra innings which wasn't able to be finished due to the park closing, but I can only assume we would have won because that is what we do. That Is What Late Night Does!"

It was crazy crazy crazy, but we all had an awesome time - and both teams hit a bar down the street afterward to moan about how crappy the NYC park service is! Ha ha ha. It was great. Thanks, Best Week Ever! You guys are awesome!! The pics are after the break:

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Sharon Hardy Is The Best Person In The World

What's up what's up what's up what's up what's uuuuuuuuup!

Before we get down to silliness, let me just say that tonight's show is AWESOME. Mr. Ted "The Red" Koppel is on our show tonight... And HE THROWS DOWN A RINGSPIN CHALLENGE FOR THE AGES. Dudes, the battle is awesome. You haven't seen gladiatorial combat like this since Russell Crowe played a gladiatior and fought that other gladiator in that one movie that I can't remember the name of right now! Also, COB takes a little visit to Joe's Pub and runs into an unexpected delight that made all of us here in the office crack up! All in all: A show not to be missed!!

I tell ya - It's only been two weeks, but it seems like YEARS since I've talked to you guys!! What's been going on? What's the haps? What's the word on the street? What's the whisper on the stairs? What's the shouting from the rooftops? Seriously. What's with the shouting? Knock it off, bro! If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was ol' Bad Singing Larry all up in my eardrums!! DUDE! Go play in the street or something!

Anyway, BSL notwithstanding, I had a great break - I spent the last two weeks climbing Oregonian mountains, passing out at The House of Pies in LA, fishing up in Northern Michigan... And trying to decide which shirt was the least dirty to wear. Living out of a suitcase is ROUGH, yo! I had a great time, however.

What WASN'T a great time over the break was what shall here fore be referred to as "Sedgwickgate '08". Oh, it was a fiasco of epic proportions. To make a long (and extremely boring) story short, Hardy had to come in, OVER BREAK, to pull my ass out of the Kyra Sedgwick file fire that I was burning in. So, to thank her, I gave her two "Get Out Of Work Free" cards today;

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Ice Ice Baby!

Crazy, crazy day today... First of all, due to intern mixup/me being bad at my job, there was a miscommunication with the Masi Oka file (meaning that it wasn't done). Result? I was at work until 3am last night!! Let it burn, Bley. Let it burrrrrnnnnnnn.

It burns bad.

Speaking of burning bad (Aaron Bleyaert = Segue Master), today I fought off the woozy sleepiness that threatened all day by setting up a little tournament... An ICE BUCKET TOURNAMENT. That's right, fools!! The stupid mistake that Chillemi, Tracy King, and I made yesterday by shoving our hands in ice water for sport went PRIME TIME FRONT AND CENTER today!! Chill and I set up a whole podium/ice bucket/stop watch competition situation! I even made posters, people! POSTERS. It was awesome - we got pretty much the whole staff to compete against one another to see who could hold their hand in ice water the longest!! I lasted 30 seconds. Yes, I am a horrible wimp.

Today and tomorrow we're taking everyone's best times, from Head Writer Mike Sweeney to Executive Producer Jeff Ross, and then the top 16 ICE WARRIORS will be put into a sweet sixteen competition bracket, whereby (after our impending 2 week hiatus) they will battle head to head to see who will be THE FIRST EVER LATE NIGHT ICE BUCKET CHAMPION!!! (Don't worry, we're shooting it all for a little future Late Night Underground madness to happen later on!) I think you guys are going to be happy. Or as least amazed and/or frightened. Ha ha ha. Seriously... Sweeney is like a robot or something.

Anyway, before I go, I just have one question - would any of you guys happen to know off the top of your head the point at which ice cold water starts causing permanent nerve damage to the hands? I was just curious.

Your Blue Veins

Knock knock!

(Who's there?)

There's a brand new video up over at The Late Night Underground right now!

(There's a brand new video up over at The Late Night Underground right now who?)

Don't be a douche, dude. Just go over there and check it out already! Yeesh!

I hope you all enjoyed the little Chill-tacular edition of the Late Night Insider yesterday - it sounded like Chill had a great time running the Deepak Chopra remote!! I hope you all enjoyed watching it!!

Conan was in a great mood today... Possibly because of the AWESOME 40 POINT CELTICS VICTORY LAST NIGHT?! Perhaps, perhaps. Or maybe because TONIGHT'S SHOW IS FREAKING AWESOME?! Yes, I think so! The hilarious and talented stair-running Mike Myers is on the show this evening, as well as My Boys' Jordana Spiro, and bellydancer Dolphina!! A first rate show by any standard (especially the standard I'm using, which is the "Pretty First Rate to TOTALLY First Rate" Standard).

Today Chillemi, Producer Tracy King, and I played a fun game down in the NBC Commissary. It is called "Ice Bucket". Here's how it works: Two people each put one hand in a bucket full of ice and ice cold water. Whomever takes their hand out first loses. And what happened? You guessed it, party people - I took my hand out first, every time. Even the last time, when I screamed for a rematch against Chillemi and told myself that I was leaving my hand in no matter what, that "This Time I'm Not Screwing Around" and "Just Try To Think Of Your Happy Place When The Pain Comes", I took my hand out first. I AM SUCH A WIMP GUYS SRSLY.

The big winner? Tracy King, who beat both Chill and I with ease. WITH EASE. After my eyes started watering (read: Crying) and I had to take my hand out of the punishment bucket, Tracy left her hand in for 30 more seconds just to prove how much more pain she could take. Holy crap. It was both impressive and HORRIBLY FRIGHTENING at the same time. Like that guy who can pull a truck up a ramp with his tongue piercings. Or Clamato Juice. HORRIBLY. FRIGHTENING.

So the next time you're wondering what it takes to be a big time television producer, remember this: You have to have ice water in your veins.

Literally.

the inner self

Hey there Internet

Chill here. This is just like the old days, and by old days I mean April, when I was hitting you guys with blogs daily. First Thursday, now today, what's next? I told you I would keep popping on when I had stuff to say, so that is exactly what I am doing. I mentioned on the blog on Thursday that I was out late the night before because of a Late Night remote. Well that shoot is on tonight's show, ladies and gents. And it is 10 minutes of hilarity from your very own Conan O'Brien. The premise was simple: Conan O'Brien would meet with Deepak Chopra (best selling author and spiritual advisor) at the Chopra Center and Spa in Midtown, and together they would help Conan look within himself and find the path to enlightenment. And since I was there, I can tell you guys it is a sweet ride.

Now the hardest part about remotes with 2 celebrities is:
A. Finding a location that would work for the bit and our talent, and
B. Coordinating the arrival of both to our shoot location.

But when one of them owns their own Chopra Center and Spa, it becomes fairly easy.

A. It is Deepak's place so getting permission was no problem and
B. getting Conan, myself, and my crew (2 Cameraman, 1 Audio Engineer, 1 Wardrobe person, 1 Prop guy, 2 Interns {I like to bring interns on remotes so they can experience Late Night outside of the offices} and 1 Writer) there was pretty easy as the place was just 4 blocks from 30 Rock. As far as Conan remotes go, this was basically like hitting the jackpot!

And it keeps getting better: Not only did I have the easiest remote setup ever but then I got to watch Conan be hysterical for the next 3 1/2 hours! Conan and Deepak were the perfect team. Deepak was all business. The perfect straight man. He acted how he does everyday of his life. And after hearing him throughout the remote, he had all of us thinking about how we all could be better human beings in our life. And Conan, of course, was his usual insanely funny self. (I thought I heard all the funny stuff while it was taping but then when we showed it at rehearsal, I was laughing even harder cause there was stuff I missed that night). So all of you should tune in to NBC tonight and catch this beauty. And maybe you all will learn a little something about yourselves.

Until next time....Chill is out

Bananagram!

Hey everybody! I hope you're rocking it Monday Style as hard as I am today. Because I am rocking it harrrrd. How hard? Well, head on over to The Underground for a sweet new video! I actually posted it on Friday, but didn't wanted to dirty Friday's Russert-dedicated post with my stupid comedy. At any rate, I hope you like it!! Thanks to all our awesome interns who helped out - you guys are showbiz naturals!

Speaking of interns, like I've said before, there are Summer Interns everywhere. Seriously. I go to the bathroom - interns. I get in the elevator - interns. I close my eyes - INTERNS. TINY INTERNS HAVE INFECTED MY BRAIN OH SWEET LORD THERE'S SO MANY THEY'RE JUST SPRAWLED OUT ALL OVER OUR OFFICES ON THE GROUND LIKE DEAD BODIES. It's insane. Normally, they all sit around in the conference room (aka "The Pit")... But when The Pit is being used, they all hang out right outside The Pit - and trying to wade through them is exactly like running through some kind of medieval gauntlet where all the knights are dressed in Old Navy and discussing last night's Gossip Girl Episode. In a word: Extremely difficult.

So I become violent.

Look; I'm only human. And sometimes humans get angry. Especially if humans are hopped up on the fifteen DCVDPs I just drank. So sometimes I lash out at these poor undereducated souls who want nothing more than to pop their collars and undress each other with their eyes. It's not their fault! It's MY fault. And today, while running the Abercrombie & Fitch Underage Summer Gauntlet 2K8, I grabbed an intern's magazine and threw it on the floor while screaming "I DON'T RESPECT YOU AND NEVER WILL." I then stared into his soul while I walked away. I think it was... How do you say? A little much. Perhaps a tad too violent, even for comedy purposes.

To make matters worse, it turns out that the innocent magazine-reading intern I horribly abused was actually the same dude who went and got all those phone cords for the new video I made! Oops! I felt bad (which is saying something, because I have a cold, black heart that only bleeds Smicker's Jelly) so I decided to write him a crappy apology. But not Just ANY kind of crappy apology - a crappy BANANAGRAM Apology:

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Tim Russert

Hey everybody. A dark, dark day here at the show. In case you haven't heard, Tim Russert passed away today. Tim was a great guy; extremely nice, incredibly smart, and a good friend to both our show and Conan himself. We're all deeply saddened by Tim's passing, and our hearts go out to his whole family, especially his wife Maureen and son Luke (who was an intern here last summer). Our thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Have a good weekend everyone, and remember to all hug your dads a little tighter this Father's Day.

See you Monday.

dog and pony show

Hey there Internet.

Chill here. Hope all is well with you guys. I've missed you!!! How is everyone doing? Fill me in with your lives. Huge thanks to Bley for letting me jump on and say hi to the Late Night faithful. That guy has been doing a great job with the blog and the Underground. Speaking of Underground, we shot something today which was loads of fun but I will let him tell you all about it. Things have been crazy busy for me the last couple of weeks. I have had many locations shoots. Some big, some small. Some really fun to do, some more work than fun. All hours of the day, all days of the week. I was actually out last night shooting something with Conan until the wee hours for a remote that will probably air in the near future. But that is another tale for another time. What I want to talk to you guys about today was my plans last Saturday involving everyone's favorite insult comic dog...

I have been on every Triumph remote since they started. We have gone to places warm (Arizona for the 2000 presidential debates) and places cold (Quebec during the Conan in Toronto shows). We have gone far (Hawaii - to make fun of American Idol auditoners) and near (Right outside our building at Radio City for last year's Tony awards). Some we had permission (At the Meadowlands when Triumph went to a Bon Jovi concert) and some we didn't (Westminster Dog Show - we got kicked out all 3 times we went). Some involved famous people (Santa Barbara for the Michael Jackson trial) and some had famous characters (The Star Wars line outside the Ziegfeld theater). ALL had Triumph at his cigar chomping, hilarious best!!!

This past Saturday, my adventures with Triumph brought me to Elmont, Long Island for the 140th running of the Belmont Stakes. Ten (myself, Robert Smigel, writers, camera crew, PA, props) of us jumped into a van around 12:30pm and left NYC. We arrived at the racetrack around 2p, four and a half hours before the big race involving Big Brown's shot at the Triple Crown. We picked up credentials which I had asked for earlier in the week (Always nice to have permission to shoot somewhere, way less stressful) and began to tape. The place was crowded and the day was REALLY, REALLY hot, but that didn't stop us. We literally shot as much as we could as fast as we could. And we got a lot of really great stuff. There was plenty of characters there to talk with/make fun of and horses for him to bond/poop on. Plus we got to see a possible history-making race which was pretty cool. Too bad the result wasn't what I had hope for. I was rooting Big Brown hard! As in I had him in "eight $3 Exactas" hard! I lost $24 but at least we got a pretty sweet remote out of it which you all are invited to watch tonight!!!! That is right - The new Triumph remote is on tonight's latest awesome episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien!!! So tune in and tell me what you think.

And I will try and touch base with you guys next week with details about my literallly "late night" of shooting with Conan this past Wednesday.

Oh yeah, and get your sweet Late Night commercials in so you can possibly cash in on some quality time with stagehand Steve Graham and get some sweet Conan mugs from the NBC Experience and mac and cheese from the NBC commissary. What are you guys waiting for?

Until next week...Chill is out

Balloon Animals... Or AGENTS OF TERROR?

Do you guys like to laugh? I mean like, really laugh? I'm not talking about that fake crap you call "laughter" that you do when your grandparents are trying to bond with you by telling you a story of their childhood. I'm talking about a gut buster. A side splitter. You know - the kind of laugh that happens when you're a kid and you're trying to throw a sweet rock off the deck of your summer cottage into the lake, but your Grandma is having one of her nature walks along the beach and you don't see her and you can't throw very far so it was a stupid idea in the first place but you end up hitting your Grandma in the back of the head with the rock really hard and she falls over and then I accidentally did it again the next year? Yeah. That's the kind of laugh I'm talking about. By the way - Grandma, if you're reading, I'm sorry. I hope there are no rocks in heaven. And no children.

ANYWAY. If you like to REALLY LAUGH, catch Louis CK on tonight's show! The guy slays. SLAYS. He's my favorite comedian working today, and you can see exactly why tonight!! Don't miss it!!

Today was a day full of tension in the Research Office. Things were tense! Things were tight! People were on edge!!! And by "people" I mean "everyone in the office besides my sister". MAN.

See, it's no secret that we here in the office are into weird stuff - I've got a jackalope and a carebears poster hanging next to my desk, for pete's sake - but for some reason, my sister (who is a craft queen extraordinaire), got a weird idea in her head... Weird EVEN BY THE WEIRD STANDARDS OF OUR OFFICE...

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The UN-Masturbating Bear

Hey guys! You know how many entries we've received in our LATE NIGHT MAKE YOUR OWN COMMERCIAL CONTEST?

One.

One submission.

Seriously.

*Sniff*

Now, this contest has been going on for the past five days... And apparently only ONE OF YOU OUT THERE IN THE WHOLE WORLD is motivated enough to put down the remote, pick up a camera, and make something magical!! Come on, guys!! Stop being so lame!! The only person on this giant ball of dirt and water that we call "Spaceship Earth" who ISN'T on my "Seriously, You Guys Are Super Lame" list is Jonathan Harchick from Pittsburgh, PA (hopefully I'm spelling his name right because he is actually totally awesome and not super lame like the rest of you) - he was the ONE PERSON IN FIVE DAYS WHO ENTERED. I mean, his commercial was terrible, but he is still TOTALLY AWECELLENT FOR ENTERING. We show his terrible (yet FINISHED and ENTERED) entry on our show tonight, and you know what? It got laughs. GIANT HUGE LAUGHS FROM AMERICA. Did you? No. You didn't. BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ENTER OUR CONTEST (yet).

So anyway. Make me, and Late Night proud, and ENTER OUR AWESOME CONTEST ALREADY. Go here for details. Just do it... Don't make me cybersmack you. I don't know exactly what a "cybersmack" is, exactly, or how I would do it, but I'LL FIGURE IT OUT HOW TO DO IT AND IT WILL HURT AND DUMBARRASS YOU. (Dumbarrass is a word I just made up just now where you feel really dumb AS WELL as feeling really embarrassed. It can be found in the title of my new book, "Dumbarrassed: How Aaron Bleyaert Got Through High School").

ONWARDS TOWARDS TONIGHT'S SHOW - Lions, Tigers and Bears - oh my! Wait, that's a kind of a lie. While there's no tigers or bears on today's show, there IS a lion! And there was almost a bear!! We've got Animal Expert (and host of "The Jeff Corwin Experience") Jeff Corwin on today's show, and he's brought some really amazing creatures on - an albino alligator, a lemur, a little fox, some kind of giant scary nightmare turtle, and... Well, a really cute baby bear. Only, in rehearsal today, the little guy was super rambunctious - Jerry Springer's people would say that he was "Too Hot For TV" - and so Jeff was a little concerned about the lil' bear being brought out onto the show, so the bear got cut! No bear tonight! I guess even though the bear was the size of a small dog, it's still A BEAR (meaning much stronger than you'd think), and since the little fella tried to eat the guest chair, tried to gnaw on Jeff's leg, and tried to hump one of the little wolves that Jeff brought along and was in the studio, everyone decided it wasn't a good idea to put Beary McBear on the show!! I mean, to be fair, we've already got a bear that masturbates in our cast of characters, so I think that everyone agreed that a humping bear might be a little over the top!! Ha ha. He was a cute little bugger, though! Maybe next time, buddy bear. Maybe next time.

See you all tomorrow! AND ENTER THE CONTEST ALREADY. Sheesh!!

Don't Need Nothing But A Good Time

First of all first of all first of all - In case you haven't heard, we here at Late Night are having an AWESOME CONTEST WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR VERY OWN LATE NIGHT COMMERCIAL AND SEND IT TO US AND THEN WIN AWESOME STUFF!!

Go here for details, my babies!!! Make it happen!!

Awesometastic show today, as we've got the amazingly beautiful and bubbly Kate Hudson on the program, as well as the not-quite-as-beautiful-but-still-quite-good-looking funnyman Robert Smigel!!

If you'd be so kind as to indulge me in a quick story: One of my favorite memories about working on this show is when I first started as the Assistant to the Segment Producers, Frank Smiley and Daniel Ferguson. My desk was right across from Frank's office, and Frank & Robert Smigel are great friends - so whenever Robert would stop by the show, he'd always end up hanging around the outside of Smiley's office (aka right at my desk) until late at night when no one was around... And to make matters extra dope, more often than not Conan himself would walk by and get sucked into Robert & Frank's conversations! They would talk about everything from the projects that Robert was working on, to the movies that were out, to their friend's projects, to whatever - but all the convos would inevitably turn into those three dudes trying to crack each other up, which was really amazing (and obviously entertaining) to watch. It just felt like I was privy to something that no one else in the world was, and even though I was working late, I would make up stuff to do just so I could sit at my desk and watch what was basically a free comedy show!! Listening to those dudes talk about comedy late at night was and is a major highlight in my career here. It was incredibly awesome (not to mention enlightening) to be a fly on the wall listening to these comedy geniuses make each other laugh for hours on end without anyone else in the world being around. Those were some very cool and private moments that I'll never forget!

See you all tomorrow!

Hardy Likes Getting High

Well, it's summer and it's Friday - and here at Late Night, we've started our yearly tradition of EARLY TAPING FRIDAYS!! (I tried to think of a better, more sexxxy name than ETFs, guys. I really did. For like an hour. Nothing came to mind, though... Lemme know if you can think of anything better). ANYWAY, so on Fridays during the summer, we tape an hour early - at 4:30 instead of 5:30 - for no other reason than IT'S SUMMER AND WE WANNA START OUR WEEKENDS RIGHT, Y'ALL. Oh, it's so exciting... And when we in the Research office get excited, we like to jump up in the air:

Harrrrrrrdy Rockets in Flight! Afternoon Delight!

Well, at least Hardy does. LOOK, LOOK HOW HIGH SHE CAN JUMP AND BE AMAZED. Seriously. It's incredible. She doesn't take the elevator up to our office - she just thinks of something exciting and WHOOSH!! Pops right up here, Mary Poppins style! I can only jump about thishigh. It's pathetic, But... Wait, no. It's just pathetic.

Well, that's about it - it's Friday, and I'm outta here!! A bunch of us are all hitting the bar downstairs for a little summertime show bonding, so I gotta run... But before I go, I just wanted to say once again: If you guys have any questions about our sweet new MAKE YOUR OWN LATE NIGHT COMMERCIAL CONTEST, please post them in the comments below!!

Have a great weekend, everybody!! See you Monday!

NBC's New Marketing Strategy: Elevators

VERY exciting news tonight, kiddies - WE'RE HAVING A SWEEPSTAKES!! THAT YOU CAN MAKE STUFF AND ENTER!! AND THERE'S A PRIZE AND EVERYTHING OMFG LOL LOL SRSLY.

Actually, there IS an awesome Late Night Contest that we're announcing on tonight's show I think you're all going to be PRETTY PUMPED ABOUT, SUCKAZ!! So make some room on your dance card for this evening's program!! (PS - Details will also be up at nbc.com/conan later tonight!!)

Now, here's something you may not know about me: On the way to work, I usually rock out. You know, headphones on, jamming to the beat, tapping the leg, maybe doing a little stutterstep up the steps. Oh yeah!! It's a between the ears raging danceparty every morning!! Anyway, so yesterday I'm on my way to work, rocking out, raging, stutterstep, etc etc, and I step into the elevator. I'm looking down at the floor as the doors open and I step in. As the doors close, I take off my phones and look up - AND JUMP INTO THE AIR FROM FRIGHT. Why, you ask? Simple: BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY A HUMONGOUS AD FOR SOME BRAVO SHOW THAT'S BEEN PLASTERED INTO ALL THE 30 ROCK ELEVATORS:

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Today's Cool Thing: Volcanoes

ATTENTION PARTY PEOPLE: There's a brand new webvid up over at everyone's favorite site with "Late Night" and "Underground" in the title... THE LATE NIGHT UNDERGROUND!! It's a little bit that happened during Monday's rehearsal! I hope you enjoy it and it makes you cry from it's high hilariosity content. I like it when you cry. OH, I'M JUST KIDDING. Not really.

Okay, I know that I was a little obsessed with fire yesterday - but you know what? Today is a new day. And today... I'm still obsessed with fire. Listen, I'll stop being obsessed with fire when fire stops being awesome! BLAME THE FLAME, DUDE. NOT ME. Now, I know I can't write about how awesome fire is two days in a row, so instead I've decided to branch out a little bit and talk about something totally awecellent that's RELATED to fire - namely, VOLCANOES.

Oooooooh yesssssss.

Guys, listen. I'm not sure if everyone reading this is truly, fully aware of how awesome volcanoes are. They are AWESOME. A volcano is like a freaking mountain, right? And mountains are ALREADY pretty sweet... But a volcano is like (and by "like" I mean "exactly is") a mountain that shoots LOTS OF FIRE AND ASH AND MAGMA and crap. MAGMA, dude!! MAGMA!!! That's MOLTEN ROCK, for those of you keeping score at home. How sweet is that? THE ROCK IS SO SMOKING HOT THAT IT'S AN (f word)-ING LIQUID. Damnnnnnnnn. You know what ELSE is wicked mad about volcanoes? They spew huge amounts of poisonous gases and ash... But the catch is that the ash is actually tiny pieces of glass. OH SNAPS, LUNGS. Have some of that!!! YOU CAN DIE BY INHALING LITTLE TINY ITSY BITSY KNIVES THAT CUT YOUR LUNGS LIKE A PIMP PROVING A POINT. Volcanoes are so cool, man. You show me someone that thinks volcanoes are lame and I'll show you SOMEONE WHO WILL DIE BY MY HAND.

Like I said yesterday, I am primarily an Amateur Scientist, but I am ALSO an Amateur Historian (the hat is brown tweed, and it says "History, Yo!" on it). So, for your benefit, I will unlock my big dusty leather bound book of World History and let you in on some of the more famous Volcanoes from years hence:

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I Really Want To Light Something On Fire Right Now

On tonight's show: Colin Firth, Ice Road Trucker Hugh Rowland, Musical Guest Jackie Greene, and a special cameo by none other than the Myspace celeb himself, Pierre Bernard! Bam! Tune in tonight and let us punch your brain with funny jokes! Bam! Bam! Bam! Ha! Ha! Ha! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Now here is something - I don't know what's going on with my brain, but I've just really felt like trying to light something on fire all freaking day. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't even have to be anything big. I'll settle for something small - a magazine, or a script or something. Maybe an envelope. Or some stationary. Just, whatever it is, I want to light it on fire. The bad news: Fellow Research Officemates Hardy and Parra won't let me. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HARSH MY MELLOW, DUDES? Let's light this fun candle! With fire!

Although you all know me as a Late Night Researcher (and extremely handsome man), many of you might NOT know that in my spare time I am also an amateur scientist. That's right! I wear many hats on this show, and the "amateur science" hat is one of them (it looks pretty much like a chef's hat, but it says "SCIENCE RULEZ" in big blue letters across the front). As a matter of fact, I am not just smart in only ONE kind of science, but I have been (self) taught in MANY scientific disciplines, such as Chemistry, Biology, Rocks, Judaism, Tae Kwon Do, Crying, Naps, and the effect of Quantum Decoherence on Statistical Thermodynamics. So, as a member of the scientific community, it is my pleasure - nay, my DUTY - to pass along some facts about fire that you might not be aware of:

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Guys, The Raconteurs Are Totally Awesome in Every Way

Welcome back, everybody! I hope you all had a great week last week - I was back in Michigan digging about a thousand holes for my parents (I can't figure out if they're actually redoing their garden or starting their own graveyard) and my hands are still sore. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND MORE ABOUT THE RACONTEURS, WHO ARE TOTALLY AWESOME IN EVERY WAY AND ALSO JUST HAPPEN TO BE ON OUR SHOW TONIGHT.

Let me just say that one of the sweetest and most amazing things about working on this show is the fact that we book amazing musical acts... And The Man Behind Our Music is the unbelievably magnificent music booker superextraordinaire, Jim Pitt.

Late Night's very own "Musical Nostradamus" got his humble start as so many of us here did: Jim started as an NBC page! Soon after, he was lucky enough to snag a job answering the phones up at SNL, before working his way up into their talent department and becoming a talent booker! After seven Saturday Night Live-ly seasons, Jim left when Conan got the Late Night gig to come pull the musical strings on our show! And trust me, our ears are all richer for it!!

Jim's mark and influence on the last 14 years of Late Night with Conan O'Brien is as profound and indelible as any of the writers who have walked our halls or written a sketch. He's single-handedly responsible for the our show scoring the network debuts of Radiohead, Coldplay, Green Day, Jewel, Linkin Park, Sheryl Crowe, Moby, The Strokes, and many many more!! I love music, and I think that the quality and type of musical acts that we have on our show is unparalleled. I really like the fact that we can have an indie band that no one's ever heard of one night and have U2 the next - and that is all because of Jim. Thank you, sir!!

So, thanks to Jim, Detroit rock Supergroup The Raconteurs are on tonight's show - and being a huge fan, I just HAD to run downstairs and watch their soundcheck!! To say it was awecellent was an understatement. First of all, watching soundchecks are great - it's literally your own private concert, with only twenty or so other people there watching. Second, it's really cool to see bands screwing around and having fun; today, for instance, I got to watch as Brendan Benson and Jack White improvised a new Bo Diddley-dedicated intro to their song "Many Shades of Black" for tonight! So, SO great!! Also, Jack White and Conan are friends (The White Stripes were our musical guest for a whole week a few years back), so it was also really cool to see Conan & Jack talk guitars for a bit between songs!! It's days like today that I feel incredibly lucky to work at such an amazing place... Even after a whole week off!

So flip on tonight's show, lock the doors, open the windows, turn it up, and ROCK IT OUT!!

Sally.

Recently, a lot of you have been asking about the creation of one of our rudest and most depraved characters; the purple velveted weirdo known only as The Interrupter. Not knowing how The Interrupter came to be myself, I went to the source; the long haired impolite nutball is brilliantly played by none other than our resident improvisational genius, Late Night scribe Brian Stack! Brian was nice enough to write a little bit about how one of our funniest and most beloved social misfits came to be:

"THE ORIGIN OF THE INTERRUPTER

The original concept for the Interrupter came from Michael Koman, one of the best writers our show has ever had and a really great guy to work with. He recently left to become head writer of new Demetri Martin show, and we all really miss him a lot around here. Originally, the Interrupter was just brought out to briefly interrupt one of our "New Characters" desk pieces, and was inspired by the fact that we've had countless characters interrupt Conan during the show for one reason or another. A year or two later, Michael and I thought it might be fun to bring the character back, and we began writing full-length Interrupter sketches together. The character evolved a lot from a weird guy who simply interrupts Conan to a guy who is also gleefully aware of how seriously messed-up his own life is. I always loved writing those sketches with Michael, and doing the character has always been a lot of fun."

Thanks for the insight, Brian!! The Interrupter's self-aware gleefulness always makes the staff laugh - whenever The Interrupter is on the show, you can hear everyone in their offices laughing out loud! It's a sight to behold!!

Now to switch gears a little bit, today is a dark day around these Research parts. Sure, it's a Friday - not only that, but it's the Friday before hiatus (we have next week off). HOWEVER, today is a bummer - because it's our intern Sally's last day.

Here's a picture of me begging Sally not to leave:

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Spaced

Mr. Kaiser Soze himself, Kevin Spacey, cames on our show and rip it up tonight, and the sexy (& city-esque) Cynthia Nixon stops by to talk about her son's obsession with boobs! I can't say that I don't understand the kid HA HA HA OH COME ON WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE. Except for you. And you. Seriously. You two are tools. You know you who are.

Also on today's show, we've got the hilarious stand up of one Mr. Brian Kiley! Now, anyone who's ever seen our credits (and true fans have them MEMORIZED, HELLO) knows that Kiley is ALSO a writer here on our show - specifically, he helps write Conan's monologues (or "Conalogues", as their referred to in the script)!! It's always so weird to hear Conan refer to one of his own as a stranger! Especially when Kiley's done with his standup, and Conan walks over to thank him for coming, it's hilarious to think that they'll see each other in like ten minutes up in the conference room at dinner!!! Ha ha ha. Awesome!!

Also today, the office was inundated with nuts!! For some reason, Planter's sent our Intern Coordinator Chris Formadoni a bunch of cans of nuts - we're talking cashews, peanuts, mixed nuts, roasted peanuts, more cashews, salted peanuts, etc etc. The best part (other than me eating a whole can of cashews from 3-3:15pm) is the fact that he has no idea why they were sent to him. So if you work at Planter's and you're reading this... What's up? Why all the nuts?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, YOU BASTARDS?! JUST SEND ME A BOX OF NERD'S AND GET ON WITH IT. Oh... And thanks! They were delicious!

D Day... As in harrison forD Day!!

Well, it's not every day that I get to write these words: HARRISON FORD IS ON OUR SHOW TODAY!

Yesssssssssssssssssssssss.

He's great, obviously, but what makes his appearance even MORE awesome (to me, anyways) is a little cameo of a certain bullwhip-cracking, hair-gel using, Indy-obsessed Associate Producer of ours, who comes in and tries to stump Harrison with some obscure Indiana Jones knowledge!!! Three guesses as to whom I'm talking about... And the first two don't count! I smell a fruit alright!

I spent the day doing the Ira Glass file (he's on on Friday, and I have a feeling will be a completely awesome guest), trying to frantically put something together about the primary last night (it got cut), and thinking about whether or not I should try to run down and see Harrison Ford in person!! Last time he was on, I remember thinking that he was much bigger than I thought - like, totally muscled up!!! Usually with celebrities it's the opposite; they never seem as hot or handsome or impressive in real life. But Ford just seemed taller and more ripped and more... I dunno, "larger than life". I know from the research that he hates the term, but he more than almost anyone else seems more like a "Movie Star" in person. It's insane. The guy is an icon, not just to me but to millions around the world!! It's mind melting to think about. Literally, your MIND WILL MELT if you think about it too long! It's either that, or my brain is filling up with all the Diet Dr. Pepper I drank today. No joke, I drank like 50. Is that bad? I cleaned that pop machine OUT, sucka!! Have some of THAT!

Dudes, I am sorry about falling behind in Scrabulous - I'm in like 100 games, and it takes me an hour to go through and make all my turns!! I just didn't have the time today... But TOMORROW... WATCH OUT!!! ps -for those of you who keep asking me to join "Scramble", you guys are crazy! Just give up and get an Xbox already! Enough of these crappy Facebook games!

Pender II: Super Slop-eroo!

Howdy y'all! A fun day here at the show, as Mr. Denis Leary stops by to make us all laugh our stomachs out! Okay, maybe not laugh our stomachs out, but certainly laugh so hard we bleed out of our eyes! In a good way, of course!!

Leary is hilarious - Chill reminded me of Leary's promos that he used to do for MTV, and we spent a good half hour (30 minutes foryou math majors) looking them up on...uh... Ootubeyay!! Great, GREAT stuff, if you haven't seen them! Just search "Denis Leary and MTV". Hilarious!

Also today on the show today: If you didn't think that we abused Mark "The Love Man" Pender enough by making him get naked/covering him with slime/having a dog hump his leg, then JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT! Oh man. It makes our pie video look like child's play!! Super nasty, with a capital NAST. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pender is The Man and will do whatever it takes to make you laugh. Do him justice, people. Watch tonight.

Now, switching gears for a second: For those of you who remember that plasma TV that sat unused on the floor of Chillemi's office, you'll be happy to know that he finally hooked it up today!! Oh, it is sweeeeeeeeet:

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Summer Internvasion '08!

First of all, as promised there's a sweet new episode of ComedyBusters up over at the Late Night Underground!!! Check it out!

Secondly, let's now turn from the white knuckled discipline of The Sciences to the free flowing beauty of poetic literature. As the master bard himself, William Shakespeare, once wrote about the most heated of seasons:

"A day in April never came so sweet,
To show how costly summer was at hand,
As this fore-spurrer comes before his lord."

Now, I have no idea what any of that crap means (I just Googled "summer quotes"), but I DO know one thing about the summertime; it's the season in which Late Night is flooded with hundreds upon hundreds of human locustsnew summer interns!!! (Ha ha, just kidding interns. Please think I'm cool and accept me as one of your own.)

Seriously though, today a huge boatload of fresh faced new summer interns started (I have no idea why they arrived on a boat), and these guys are just the beginning!! According to Intern Coordinator (and all around cool dudebro) Chris Formidoni, this summer is on par to equal or top our previous intern hiring record of six hundred thousand!!! Ha ha ha, JOKES. Actually, there will be around 35 interns generously donating their time and energy this summer - still a pretty big number, considering it's like 10 or 12 more than we usually hire per semester!! With all these interns around, there's only one question that I'm sure is on all of your minds: How am I going to be able to abuse 35 freaking interns?! I'm going to have to put some time aside to really get my whipping arm into good shape!! Luckily, I have the whole summer. And a new whip. (That I stole from here)

Anyway, I'd like to throw out a big ol' internet welcome to all you new 'terns!!! Thanks for coming to "work" on our show this summer!! I can't wait to forget your names and then be awkwardly stuck in an elevator with you and your parents and have to dance around the fact that I'm actually laying eyes on you for the first time!! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME, EVERYBODY!!! ;)

See you tomorrows, Charos!!

Taking It To The Max!

Happy happy Friday, everybody!! After days of being tied up in red tape and legal mumbo-jumbo (not a Scrabulous word, by the way), I'm happy to report that we've got a brand new video up over at The Underground.... McCann's Cans!! Writer Brian McCann was nice enough to let us invade his office and learn about his sweet and obscure (former) hobby of beercan collecting!! The video is one of my favorites that we've done recently... For reasons that will become obvious once you watch it!! Enjoy!

Bad news, guys... Well not bad bad, but certainly melancholy news: Max is leaving us again!! Only for two weeks, this time - but tonight on the show, we give him a touching send off... LATE NIGHT STYLE, by showing footage of Max during interviews when he's off camera (like we did awhile back on The Underground with LaBamba).

People have asked "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?" and to those people I "DUDE, RELAX. AND STOP YELLTYPING AT ME." The reason we're able to do this is because we have five cameras that are all recording for the entire show, so if there's a mistake or something that our director missed, we can cut it into the show later from a different camera angle!! Awesome right? Right! Anyway, one of these "iso" cameras is trained on Max at all times, so we can quickly get a reaction shot of him during an interview if Conan or a guest refers to him unexpectedly... And, well, since that camera is recording all the time, we've got a LOT of tape of Max just sitting there or doing other things - things that we slapped together and showed tonight!!! BWA HA HA HA. Bye Max!! See you in 14!!

That's all for me, y'all - have a really excellent weekend! See you on the flipside, riptide!!

Save the Last Dance (Belt) For Me

Man... You guys are really kicking my ass all over the Facebook!! I finally won m