I think they're going to get a long just fine.

This Donkey Kong seems very friendly. He doesn't seem overprotective (of the Princess) like he is in the video game. He just seems to be stronger than he realizes. Maybe that's why the Smurf is missing an arm and a foot.
Maybe Donkey went to shake his hand and broke it off by mistake. And the reason Brainy is pissed, is because now he only has one hand to do all his nerd activities like write, solve math problems, and spell dirty words on the calculator.

When I found this Donkey Kong doll, I screamed with joy, but on a low level, because i didn't want to cause a scene in the thrift store. When i found this ceramic Smurf, i was really excited - and confused - because he's white. It's as if the painter either had never seen the Smurfs & didn't know that they're skin is blue - or maybe he's bigoted against blue Smurfs, so he made this one white. Or maybe this is a very rare white Smurf that people haven't seen often because he's afraid of the sun. It's very confusing. But also interesting.

I'll ask Liz Lemon if I can write a sketch about a white Smurf & Donkey Kong hangin' out. Not sure if she'll dig it, I think she's more of a Dungeons & Dragons person.

Talk soon.

Frank

I was doing more cleaning at my apartment. For the past 3 weeks, whenever friends call me and ask me what I’m doing, I say “Cleaning my apartment”. And they say, “That’s what you said last week”. And I say, “Well, I’m still cleaning it”. I try but I can’t help it - I’m a pack rat. I got a lot of stuff to clean. Anyways, when I was cleaning, I found an old Hulk Hogan mask. So, here’s a picture of me wearing it. I can’t remember where I picked this up. Probably at a thrift shop about 10 years ago. I initially bought it ‘cause I’m a wrestling fan, and I thought it might be funny to use in a sketch or a short movie. If I ever see something that could be a prop in a sketch, I get it. I still haven’t used this mask in a sketch. And don’t worry, I would not wear this to work, I think Liz Lemon would fire me if I did. Maybe Jenna could wear it in a sketch? That could be funny. And it would definitely piss off Jenna if she had to wear it.
Cool.

Frank

But I'm happy today, because I just found $20 bucks in the pocket of a dirty pair of jeans that was laying under a giant pile of stuff in my apartment. Now I can go buy a NEW George Foreman grill! But first, I'm going to go to my favorite kielbasy store. Steve's Meat Market in Greenpoint! Yeah!!!

Maybe I'll bring some kielbasy into TGS. Believe me, I'm not the type of guy who sucks up to people. But one thing I know about Liz Lemon, she can get angry at me when I haven't done work I'm supposed to have done. And when she's hungry - she can get angrier than normal. So, if I bring her food, maybe she'll be nice to me today. Especially since I haven't finished those re-writes yet.

Frank

The best thing about my new apartment is that the ice cream man stops right outside my window. Maybe after eating 5 snow cones, I'll get a huge sugar rush, and come up with some great sketches.

Well, I ate two snowcones. 5 was too many. My sugar rush is gone. I think I'm going to nap and clean my apartment next week. Maybe I'll write a sketch about a guy who needs mapquest to find his way out of his messy apartment. Wait, maybe if I clean my apartment now, I'll find a sketch I wrote a long time ago that I never showed to Liz - and I can just hand that in. That's what I'm going do.

Take it easy.

Frank

I thought I’d get a lot of work done during the strike break, like write my novel about Bigfoot stealing a spaceship & going to Daytona to pick up hot chicks while solving crimes on the side. But I didn’t get much work done. Besides growing a strike beard, here’s a couple things I did do.

I had a stand-up gig in the Poconos. I didn’t hook up with any chicks, like I’d hoped. But, my room did have a nice jacuzzi that I got to enjoy all by myself.

Some movies are so bad, they’re great. This one just sucked. And that made me angry because Bigfoot movies are not supposed to suck.

So, it wasn’t the most productive period. But I’m happy to be back at TGS.
I actually missed Liz Lemon yelling at me. A new episode of TGS airs next Thursday April 10! So, I got to get back to writing some skits.

It's great to talk to all you again!

Frank

I’ve decided to stop taking the bus & subway to work. I now bike to work. Biking is fun. I get to race dogs that chase after me. And I get to exercise and get in even better shape for the ladies.

Not many people know this, but I’ve been environmentally conscious for years. For example, I only wash my jeans once every 2 months. That’s 6 times a year. Look at all the water I’m saving by doing that. Do any of the cool “look at me I’m greener than you therefore I’m super-important” Hollywood hotshots do that? I doubt it. Maybe Nick Nolte or Sam Elliot, but that’s about it.

And “going green” is nothing new. My Grandma and Mom have been doing green stuff for years. Before it was “cool”. Look how they (and my whole neighborhood) dries their clothes. They don’t waste electricity on driers.

Here’s an idea I have to help save the environment and the world: I think all the women in America should be naked all the time. Think about how much that will save on clothes. And think about how much water will be saved, because there will be no more laundry to do for approximately half the population. I’m gonna tell Cerie about this idea right now. She should really do this.

I’ve got some other ideas. In the future I think I’m not going use anything that has to be plugged into a wall. So instead of typing my scripts into a computer that’s plugged into a wall and using up energy, I’m gonna dictate all my scripts to Cerie, and she’ll write it out by hand on the backsides of paper from rejected sketches that Josh & Toofer wrote.

My master plan is all working out, thanks to the environment. No more sketches for Jenna. And I might get to be in close quarters with Cerie! Cool!

I think I’m also not going to use an alarm clock. That uses up too much energy. So, I’ll sleep in and show up to work late everyday. And if Liz has a problem with it, I’ll just say, “Don’t you care about Earth?!”

Frank

Some people watch horror movies to prepare for Halloween. I prepare for Halloween by beating up horror movie boogeymen. That’s right ladies, if you need a personal bodyguard on Halloween...Come talk to me. I’ll protect you from the evils of the night.

Be safe out there on Halloween. And remember if the boogeyman or some other scary creature comes after you – a swift kick to his you know what – and you’ll give yourself just enough time to run to safety. But don’t go to the local cops. They have no idea how to battle the paranormal or mythical creatures that really exist. Just get a fully loaded car and keep driving until it’s not Halloween anymore. And stay on the main roads. No backroad shortcuts! Not on Halloween! Then you’ll be safe.

Or ladies, if you’re in trouble – you can come over to me and my Mom’s house. And we can protect you while eating candy and drinking witch’s brew all night. And to answer your question Holly, my Mom does not hand out popcorn balls. Those are reserved strictly for members of the family and personal guests.

Remember ladies, if you need protection on Halloween night…I’m your man.

Frank

Well, I just finished decorating my Mom’s house for Halloween. She’s been yelling at me for the past couple weeks. She likes to have the Halloween decorations go up right after Labor Day. So, I was kind of late this year. Hopefully, these ghosts will scare the hell out of some of my annoying neighbors. Don’t get me wrong. Most of the neighbors are cool. But some are really annoying. I tried to get some of the gang from TGS to help me put up the decorations, but they all said they were busy. Halloween is two weeks away - so, my Mom will probably make me put up some more decorations before the big night. But for right now it’s good enough.

I’m going to dress up for Halloween this year. I think I’m going to dress up as my foot - when it had that alien thing growing out of it. See my blog entry from May 20th to know what I’m talking about.

Halloween is a fun holiday. There’s always new new horror movies, chicks dress slutty and strangers give you free candy!

Talk soon.

Frank

These are some of the scariest looking cakes I’ve ever seen. They’re pretty nasty looking. I don’t think anyone would eat them. I take that back…Jenna would eat them.

Jenna’s gotten so fat, when she moves, I can’t even get her in focus.

Here’s a photo I snapped of Jenna when she wasn’t looking. I got to admit. Even though I make fun of her. Jenna, with the extra weight, is starting to turn me on. Fat Jenna = Hot Jenna.

Five seconds later, Jenna ate this DVD. (I told her, just eating paper might be unhealthy, so she switched to plastic). When Jenna is hungry, she starts to get really crazy…and sexy. But she’s still Jenna. So, I think I’ll pass.

Okay, maybe I won’t pass. She looks pretty hot here. I snapped this during a rehearsal. After her cellulite stopped jiggling, I was able to get her in focus. And she looks…not bad…not bad at all…But yeah, she’s still Jenna, so I have to pass.

Frank

I’m glad to be back writing on TGS. The summer was rough. I lost all my money this summer went I went to AC. (For those of you who don’t know – that’s Atlantic City). I used to be really good at black jack. But something happened. I thought the casino was cheating me. So I went to another one. And lost even more money. Then I had to quit ‘cause I was out of cash.

Now that I’m getting a regular paycheck again, I can turn my room into the ultimate bachelor pad. If you look here at my room, you can see it’s kind of messy. I think it would be perfectly neat, if it just had more shelves. I always get yelled at for having a messy place. But I don’t blame it on me. I blame it on the lack of shelves. After my first paycheck, my place is going to look sweet. And then chicks will want to come over. Yeah!

Frank

A vicious white tiger on the prowl…but unbeknownst to him… A 700 foot tiger right behind him!

The artist who painted this is brave too, because he had to paint the whole thing without either of the tigers killing him. Or maybe, what happened is: the 700 foot tiger commissioned the artist to do a portrait, and the 700 footer was sitting there head above the trees posing for the painting - but then a white tiger showed up from out of nowhere and tried to eat the painter. Then (this part is not in the painting), the 700 foot tiger ate the white tiger, and then went backing to posing for the painting. And the artist was able to finish the portrait in peace.

The other amazing thing about this 700 foot tiger is: how he was able to sit still & quiet while posing for the painting. As a painter myself, i can tell you: that's the key - if you’re posing for a portrait, you have to remain quiet. Because the giant tiger was so still & quiet, the white tiger never saw him. And the artist was put in a position where he was able to make a great painting.

It’s very important to have the eye of the tiger. The U.S. Women’s soccer team was missing the eye of the tiger today. They lost 4-0 in the semi-finals to Brazil. Brazil played great. But I think the U.S. was put at a disadvantage by their coach, who, out of the blue, benched starting goalkeeper Hope Solo for Briana Scurry (who hadn’t played a game in a long time). This was a bad coaching decision that I think caused a lot of distractions, and kept the U.S. team from having the eye of the tiger. And they lost 4-zip. So, to all the ladies of the U.S. soccer team: remember, I’m here for you. If you need someone to help you through these hard times, I’m your man.

Proud to be an American who has the eye of the tiger,
Frank Rossitano

New York has the most beautiful women in the world. And as this photo shows, New York has the hottest mannequins too. And these mannequins aren’t even finished. Imagine how hot they’d be if they were fully grown. They’re only half done. I’m gonna keep walking around the New York City streets to see if I can find the rest of these mannequin chicks’ bodies. I don’t know how or why they only have half their bodies. Maybe someone stole the top halves. Or, maybe the top halves split apart and jumped off the bottoms and walked away using their hands and stump to propel themselves around. If I see a the top half of a mannequin walking around with her hands, I’m totally gonna help her find the rest of her body. And then I’ll ask her out. (I know, you’re saying, "mannequin’s can’t talk or hear". Well, all i gotta say is, "I guess you’ve never seen the movie, MANNEQUIN"… That’s what I love about New York: there’s always hot chicks and there’s always something interesting going on.

Frank

I think the trouble started over the summer when I got addicted to watching Steven Seagal movies before going to bed. The movies would get me so pumped, I couldn’t go to sleep. So then, I’d watch another one. And wouldn’t fall asleep ‘til around 7am. Seagal’s got a lot of movies, and he’s got a new one straight to DVD every couple weeks. So, it’s become a lot of work, staying up all night & keeping track of his movies. My favorites are “Marked for Death”; where the plot is: he beats up Jamaica. (Pretty much everyone in Jamaica except for about 2 people). And my other favorite is “Out for Justice” where the plot is: he beats up Brooklyn. (Well, not everyone in Brooklyn, just everyone in Bensonhurst).

But it was really difficult to fall asleep. I’ve gotten used to passing out on my couch around 7am with the lights on while a Seagal movie blasts from my TV. And because his movies are so violent and loud, I have really weird intense dreams. But at the sleep center, I wasn’t allowed to watch any Steven Seagal movies, and I had to turn off the lights and go to bed at 11pm. Plus I had to sleep with all these wires on me. And they wouldn’t let me sleep with my hat on. No Seagal & no hat. Very difficult. But it was pretty cool being all wired up & having experts watch me on monitors in another room. I felt like Dennis Quaid in “Dreamscape”, except I didn’t have any dreams where I had to fight the Snakeman, & I didn’t get to hook up with Kate Capshaw. After 5 hours laying in bed, it was 430am & I still couldn’t sleep. So, I decided to think of the most boring thing in the world: Jenna’s monologues. I passed out immediately. So, I guess Jenna’s good for something. They woke me up at 7am & I was exhausted. I went home, popped in a Seagal movie, and passed out from 10am until about 4pm. I feel better now. In a couple weeks, I get the results of the sleep test back. I'll let you know the deal.

Frank

I think this is a picture of Jenna’s old boyfriend.
She says she used to date a model.
That’s why I don’t wear underwear like this.
Keeps me from looking like a douche.
And keeps Jenna away from me.

Frank