Billy's Note From the Underground
That's all, folks?
March 04, 05:35 PM
There are no real secrets anymore. Sure, most of the work I do is "classified." And the government is always eager to deny the existence of anything we do. And, yeah, my bosses get a lot of use out of those neat black highlighters. And of course my family and friends are frustrated because they can never get a straight answer when they ask what I've been up to or how things are at work.
But things always get out.
I know you all know what I really do. I know you've seen the footage on TV of a mysterious black car racing through traffic, doing things that seem downright impossible. You've seen the stories about the innocent people who've been kidnapped and then rescued by an "unknown agency." You heard about the criminals and terrorists whose nefarious plans were thwarted by the authorities -- yet the news reporters never seem to know exactly which "authority" was responsible for the job. You all know what's really going on.
Some of you have even found parallels between recent events with those that unfolded over two decades ago. You've pieced together a larger narrative that spans two different generations of anonymous crime fighters. Men and women separated by time, yet joined in a singular mission: to make a difference.
So on behalf of everyone at Knight Industries, I just wanted to thank you all for giving us at least an hour of your time every week, not to mention the countless hours you've all spent checking in on things at this site. I hope you've had as much fun following our adventures as we've had going on them.
Now, if you excuse me, I've got a date. Yes, I said "date." I'll let you guess who it's with...
so much to say, so little time
March 01, 04:57 PM
Okay. Time for the truth serum. I have no idea what to blog about. I mean, I do KNOW what I want to blog about, but there’s so much going on, I don’t know where to start. I could talk about this cool new drug developed at Balham Labs that can give ordinary people super strength. I could talk about all the comic book movies coming out soon. I could even talk about the beginning of baseball season. Yes, baseball. I follow sports, too, you know. Especially a stat-obsessed sport like baseball. At the beginning of each season, I create a new matrix analyzing the performance of every player who plays in spring training, and then use the data to predict their performance during the regular season. So far I’ve correctly predicted three Cy Young Award winners, two Rookies of the Year, and one World Series winner. So the question is... what do I blog about today?
Why don’t I blog about how I keep screwing the pooch when it comes to talking to pretty girls?
Who wrote that? I didn’t write that!
Yes, I did. I, Billy Morgan, am writing about how I’ve got absolutely zero game.
Stop it, Zoe!
Zoe? You mean that amazing woman you sit next to every day, the one who’s beauty is matched only by her brains? Never heard of her.
I know it's you. And, this is so not fair. I don’t come messing around with your blog!
That’s because you can’t find it.
I go there every day.
What’s the address then?
It’s um… Hey. Look at that. Someone left her purse on her desk at work. Let’s go see what she’s got in there.
You wouldn’t.
Oooh. Look. Breath mints. And no ordinary breath mints, these are prescription strength! Is someone having a little halitosis lately?
Those are for my dog! Billy! I’m walking over to the SSC right now. If you’re still looking inside my purse when I get there, I’m going to cut you open and look inside of YOU.
Um... Gotta run. Talk amongst yourselves!
"Where does he get all those wonderful toys?"
February 19, 12:47 AM
That's my favorite line from any Batman movie. We know Bruce Wayne gets his toys from a family fortune. And for a while that was enough for me. As a kid, I assumed that if you had the cash, the rest was just a technicality. Boom. You can be a superhero. But then I got started thinking... Bill Gates has more money than Bruce Wayne. Could his riches really allow him to build a massive Superhero lair under his mansion without ANYONE knowing?
Even if he built it in a naturally formed cave (i.e. no need to hire people to dig), he still had to hire a contractor to build the mansion itself. And whoever built the mansion still would need to take into account the elevator shaft/stairway/sliding poles that lead down to the cave. There's no way Batman, Alfred, and the one other person who knows his true identity could've done the manual labor and construction themselves. I know this for a fact.
We recently started redoing things at the "KittCave." (What is the KittCave, you ask? If you don't already know, well, then that's probably for the better.) I wanted to install a sliding pole, like firefighters (and sometimes Batman) use. But Sarah told me that NO ONE can help me. I can buy the raw materials, but no one could step foot inside our building. No one outside of her, me, Mike, and Zoe could really know what we were doing.
So I did it myself. And it wasn't easy. It was darn near impossible.
The pole is taller than two basketball hoops. It doesn't fit in any elevator. It doesn't round corners. It doesn't go through doors or round corners well. And since we're deep underground, the complex has no windows to slide it through.
I wound up finally getting it into the building and down several flights of stairs, and I only broke three lamps, two vases, four computer screens, and damaged one mainframe in the process (and, yes, I almost decapitated a co-worker, but the less said about that the better).
Now I just needed to figure out to lock it into place. Do I use screws or Bolts? Do I weld it? Zoe offered to help, saying she had some insight into these things, but when I found out it was because she once dated a fireman, I told her "no thanks."
Anyways, I'm still working on the superhero/fireman's sliding pole, trying to figure out the best way to actually install it. If any of you have installed one yourself, do share how you did it. Because right now I could really use some help!
I can't win
February 11, 07:51 PM
Even on my own blog, I can't win. "Sandwich," based on both your responses and a random survey of people waiting in line with me at the DMV, is funnier than "Boat." But the debate is voided because, well... the commenter who goes by the obviously made up name "Chris" pointed out that "Pudding" is funnier than both of them. Very true.
(to the commenter that voted for "spatula" -- it sounds too much like "tarantula" and they scare the crap out of me, so that word is more creepy than funny. sorry.)
Thanks also for the help with the lip reading video. Language was never my strong point. I'm a math guy. Numbers, unlike Zoe, never deceive you. They always add up. Well, they always add up if you know what you're doing.
Okay, gotta run. It's almost 8pm here on the west coast and my new favorite show is starting. I don't usually make such appeals, but if there's a show you like to watch that is "on the bubble" for renewal, tune in and spread the word. Get your friends to watch too. And your family. And your friends' family. And even some people you don't really like. The people who work on those shows will be greatly appreciative... I assume.
-B
ps - I bet you're wondering why a high tech guy like me doesn't just DVR my favorite show. Math might never fail me, but for some reason my cable box always does. Still waiting for my fourth new cable box this month! argh!
Any lip readers out there?
February 10, 07:56 AM
We're trying to find a boy who's been kidnapped.
Click on the picture to the right to be taken to our Surveillance section. Check out the last three files. We're trying to figure out where his abductors are taking him, and we think a clue is in those videos. These videos all come from the same gas station.
In the one marked "Abduction/Shooting," the kid says something to the security camera, but there's no audio. I tried to figure it out myself, but all I got was a recipe for making coconut brownies, and I'm guessing that's not what he's shouting as he's been carried away by a gun wielding man.
Crime Solving, Billy-style. Part 1
February 04, 10:00 PM
There are mysteries everywhere we look. Well, to the untrained eye, at least. As a man of science, though, I don’t believe in mysteries. If you can’t explain something, then you’re just not trying hard enough. As my old college professor used to say – “a mystery is merely a story without a proper ending.”
Okay, I know what you’re thinking: Is that the same professor who went crazy and one day showed up to class naked? Well, yes. He is. But that’s not really relevant right now.
Anyways, at work, we’re presented with mysterious cases to solve every day. We don’t have enough time to solve them all, though, so before you call us to help you out with yours, I present to you a couple of “Billy’s Patented Presolved Mystery Solutions.”
1. A person is found dead in a room with no windows and just one door that’s locked from the inside. He’s also been shot in the head, and the gun lays by his side. The death must be suicide, right? Wrong! It’s foul play! Check the walls. You’ll find that one wall is newer than the other three. That’s because the killer built his own wall and is currently hiding behind it. Why? Insurance fraud! You'll find his life insurance policy substantially changes in the event of suicide, which is why someone went to a great deal of trouble to stage one.
2. Your former army drill sergeant is found dead, and the local sheriff claims it’s a drug overdose? Don’t believe him!! Small town sheriffs are frequently in cahoots with the local underground fight club organizers. Your old army friend was actually murdered by the fight club organizer and the sheriff helped cover it up.
Okay, those should help most of you. You can thank me later.
Now here's your chance to help me: Which word is inherently funnier, boat or sandwich?
I say “boat.” Zoe says “sandwich.”
I'm right, right?
Time to redecorate!!!
January 29, 12:24 AM
Sarah gave me a credit card, said to buy some things to "spruce up" the office. First thing that jumped into my mind: what does it mean to "spruce up" something? I know it means "get new stuff" but why does that phrase involve a tree? And why couldn't she just say "get new stuff?"
Here's the things I know I definitely need to get.
1. Couches. I know Knight Industries got us all "orthopedically designed and scientifically tested desk chairs for optimal efficiency over prolonged stationary activity," but, c'mon... I just want something, you know... COMFORTABLE. (and I think "stationary activity" is a total oxymoron)
2. New foosball table. Obviously. Yeah, I know we already have one. But for complete foosiness, you should replace your foosball table every 16 to 18 months. It's a fact.
3. Liquid nitrogen. In a subterranean lair that has everything, it's the one thing we never had enough of. At least, we never had enough to make ice cream with it. The key to making good ice cream is in the crystallization process. The faster you can get the ingredients to crystallize, the more flavorful and smoother the ice cream will taste. If I use liquid nitrogen as the coolant, it'll crystallize almost instantly, creating... perfect ice cream.
4. Fireman's pole. Why? 'Cause it's that fastest way to get from point A to point B. And because I hate stairs. Ever since my football injury back in the day, stairs have been a bit of a pain for me. Yes, I said football injury. I was playing Madden '98 on the original Playstation when I slammed my knee into a coffee table during a victory celebration gone horribly awry. Just one question: where does a non-firefighter buy one?
Am I missing anything? What else does the place need to "spruce" things up?
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