Billy's Note From the Underground
Y2K... + 9 ???
December 31, 07:00 PM
Sorry the lack of updates lately. We had, uh, "technical difficulties" here at "the office."
You can blame it on the new year. You can blame it on an increased workload. Or you can blame it on an experimental nano-virus that's deadlier to tech than Ebola is to people. Your pick. But if you pick the first two, you're wrong.
Anyways, I got A LOT of work to do this week. We almost lost every system we have running. Be thankful that when things get ugly in your workplace, your boss doesn't have a self-destruct button at his or her disposal. (I'm assuming you don't work on a nuclear-powered submarine, a starship, or in a secret underground lair full of super-classified technology)
Okay, I'm off to enjoy the rest of 2008 a bit before I have to buckle back down to work in 2009. See ya in the year of the Ox.
-B
ps - a lot of you want to know who the blonde ponytail belongs to in my last photo entry. Let's just say there's a reason why her face had to be cut out of the pic. And that reason might have something to do with an ex-boyfriend of hers who's extremely jealous of me and my studliness. Or it could just be that the photographer messed up. Your pick. (but I prefer that you think it's the first one)
Happy Everything!
December 21, 12:32 PM
Last night was the holiday party here at work. My motto: If you got a fake mustache, wear it! And I have plenty...
THE WAIT IS (ALMOST) OVER
December 11, 12:49 PM
I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been a little antsy lately. My favorite TV show hasn’t aired a new episode in what feels like an eternity.
I’m usually not a fan of “reboots” of sci-fi tv shows from the 70s and 80s. But I’ve been completely hooked on this one since the first episode. I don’t know if it’s the extensive special effects, the heightened stakes, or the beautiful women. Or maybe it was the inclusion of a certain character that I could REALLY relate to.
All I know is that whenever this show comes on, I just can’t take my eyes off the screen. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t ping me. Don’t poke me. Because for that one hour, it’s just me and my TV.
And the wait is almost over.
I’m happy to report that the show will be back in January. And from what I hear, it’s coming back with its best episodes yet.
A lot of fans, like me, have a lot of questions, and I hear the new year beings a lot of answers.
The show I’m talking about, of course, is Battlestar Galactica.
There’s a lot of mystery about the identity of the final Cylon. But I think we all know exactly who (or what) that last Cylon really is...
GO ON VACATION, LEAVE ON PROBATION
November 19, 07:02 PM
Go on vacation, leave on probation… That’s what my buddy Mike says about Vegas. I know LV has its own marketing slogan (which I won’t repeat here on principle), but c’mon, if it were true, there wouldn’t be so many stories about the city. The vacation/probation thing is so much truer. Did you know that more people are arrested along the 3 mile long Las Vegas Strip than any other 3 mile stretch of road in America? (If you say “yes” you’re a total liar because I just made that up)
Last night I got a second chance to do something I regret not doing years ago -- using my advanced degree in mathematics to beat the house in sin city. I know what you’re thinking -- card counting is illegal. Nope. It’s just the kind of thing that can get you locked up in a secret room with no cameras and burly Casino guard with a name with no vowels. Which is why I was about to chicken out.
But then the most amazing thing happened. I met someone sweet, beautiful, funny, and smart. I met Courtney Flynn. And we just clicked. Now, I never click with anyone. I usually over think things to death, killing the moment.
But Courtney… Wow. I could do no wrong with her. And it’s not like I didn’t try to mess things up. I did plenty wrong.
For example, right after we first met on the casino floor, she clearly wanted me to ask her out. To dinner. To my room. To anywhere. But I froze. And she walked away. I didn’t even get her last name, let alone her cell number, email, or twitter account.
But thanks to Zoe’s help, I found her again. And Courtney and I had the single most amazing night of my life.
I’m not going to lie: It got scary when I found her crying in her bed the next morning. Let’s just say that’s something I kinda have experience with. The crying usually comes right before the girl says: “What did I do?!?!?”
Thank god she was only crying because she gambled away her tuition.
If that night was the best night of my life, then the next day was the best day ever. I helped Courtney win back her tuition. I didn’t care about the consequences of getting caught. I just did it.
I got to save the day, kiss the girl, and come to the rescue of a friend in need. As we parted, she told me she loved me!
Which is my dilemma. Things could not have gone better. Which means things can only go downhill from here.
What happened between Courtney and me is so rare, so special, so treasured… I’ve got to preserve it like a limited edition first run Red Dwarf action figure. I’m going to wrap it up in cellophane, dip it in wax, keep it away from the sun, and – most of all -- make sure that I never mess it up.
That means no calling her. No texting her. And definitely not seeing her ever again… right?
What would you do?
B
ps - I got that photo of Courtney and me from a casino security camera (don't ask how I did that)
WANNA BET?
November 12, 08:14 PM
I’m not normally a gambling man. Okay, I’m NEVER a gambling man. Back in college, some friends wanted me to go to Vegas with them to count cards. I declined. And now apparently there’s like a movie made about them or something.
The reason why I never gambled is simple: if you know the most likely outcome doesn’t favor you, why take the risk?
But today was different. I got swept up in the moment. I made a few bets with Zoe.
I lost the first one. Just 20 bucks. But to me it was a sure thing. It was a bet on human nature. On basic human psychology. We’ve got these two co-workers, Mike and Sarah, who used to date. Heck, I think they were practically engaged or something. And now they must spend every day together. Very closely. Sometimes in very stressful situations. It gets so tense between them you can cut it with a Klingon war blade.
So Zoe and I bet who’d break first. Who’d cave into temptation, and make the first move?
I thought that Mike’s military training would give him more self-control. I was wrong.
The second bet: That Nikki (of Nikki and Max fame -- you know, from those web videos where they blow stuff up, allegedly in the name of justice) would turn her boyfriend in if it saved her from going to prison. Zoe thought she’d stand by her man. I knew better.
I won that one.
And, I dunno, maybe it was the rush from winning… Maybe it was the moment…. But then I made the biggest gamble of all.
I made a move on Zoe.
Granted, it was a verbal move. But it was a move. But I put myself out there. And she went for it.
Okay, so nothing actually wound up happening. We got interrupted. But something was going to happen! No slap in the face. No shove. No witty remarks. The only thing her lips were going to do was touch mine. I’m sure of it!!!
Man, I’m still feeling the rush. Is this what it feels like to put everything on the line and go all in? Maybe I should finally make that trip to Vegas after all…
BOO!
November 05, 09:29 PM
Sorry for the delay in posting, but this past Halloween turned out to be a major bummer. I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that I was almost killed, or the fact that NO ONE knew who I was dressed up as?!?!
I mean, seriously… How come more people aren’t watching the best British sci-fi/fantasy series on TV?!? If you don’t know who Capt. Jack Harkness is, that’s your problem not mine, you troglodytes!
(I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. We’re still cool, right?)
Another bummer about the holiday... One of my co-workers played an amazing prank that got everyone. Even me, I’m sad to say.
Next year I have to get him back. So, I need some prank ideas. And I need them pronto because I only have 51 weeks to plan it.
Halloween wasn’t all doom and gloom this year, though. There was one highlight. Sorta. Does it count if the girl you thought you were kissing turned out not to be the girl you thought she was, even though EVERYONE thought it was her? You follow? Any twins out there, what’s the rule on this?
And you know what really sucks? I really wanted to ask her if I was a good kisser... but she’s dead. Damn.
Wait a sec—I was the last guy she ever kissed in her whole life. What if I was so good, she took that cyanide pill because she knew she’d never feel such a passion in her entire life ever again?
Or what if she took the pill because I was that bad? Ouch.
Or maybe she was just a bad guy who didn’t want to get caught? I guess the world will never know…
SOME DAY
October 22, 06:29 PM
“Some day” might not be as good as “tomorrow.” But “some day” is better than “never.” And she clearly told me, for everyone in the gym to hear, that I could buy her a drink “some day.”
It might not be much, but it’s the highlight of my not-so-fortunate week. Anyone who tells you that Warcraft and Second Life are “safer” than the real world, they are sorely mistaken. And I have the black eye to prove it.
To the person who gave me the black eye: watch out, because a feisty martial arts mistress just showed me a few new moves.
She taught me a little move called the “Pig in a Blanket.” If someone ever points their finger at you in a threatening manner, in one swift movement, you take their finger and twist their whole body into a headlock. Perfect for when some finger-wagging nitwit walks up to your computer station during a massive multiplayer online gaming tournament and accuses you of cheating. (those cracks were 100% legal)
I also learned a move that some people call the “Florida Voter,” others call the “Butterfly Ballot,” but Zoe prefers to call the “Hanging Chad.” I can’t go into too many specifics on this one, but rumor has it that a lawyer for the Gore campaign used it on a Bush supporter during the election mess eight years ago. Let’s just say it begins with an upright attacker and ends with him on his back with a heinous stench he’ll be smelling for days.
The last move Zoe simply calls “the Harold.” She apparently named it after an ex-boyfriend she met while surfing in the Pacific Rim. She invented it just for him after she caught him cheating on her. I can’t say anything about it, though, as I’m not sure it’s even legal in this country.
Side note: If I ever do go out with Zoe, remind me NEVER to cheat on her.
Suffice it to say, next time you even think about messing with Billy Morgan… Just walk away, man. Walk away. It’s not worth it.
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