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We're fast approaching one of my favorite holidays. No, not Halloween. I gave that up when I stopped getting candy. Or maybe it was when I got chased by a chainsaw-toting werewolf at Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights...

Regardless, Thanksgiving will be here in the blink of an eye, and I, for one, am eagerly awaiting that day, a day when I can partake in more than my fair share of poultry, Scotch, and football. The best thing about Thanksgiving? You don't have to buy anyone a gift. You just get to eat and drink without spending money on bad ties, new cell phones, or lingerie you can never get your wife to wear.

I have always been a fan of Thanksgiving, just as I've always been a fan of cigars, money, and making more money to buy more cigars. When I was married to Deb, we would always end up at her sister's house. Now don't get me wrong, her sister was a great cook, but toward the end, when Deb was always complaining that I never helped her out around the house, I decided it was my turn to start contributing. Deb's sister always made everything herself, from scratch. Everything from the mashed potatoes to the whipped cream. She didn't want anyone else in her kitchen. However, Deb twisted her arm, and her sister said she guessed it would be okay if I brought broccoli casserole, as long as I didn't need to get near her oven.

I know you must be thinking, Ted Earley, former CEO, making broccoli casserole? Fine. It's a bit of a lowbrow dish, I'll give you that. But the recipe was so easily accessible at my neighborhood grocery store, and the mushroom soup label made it sound both simple to make and delicious.

It was not simple. Nor was it delicious. In fact, it was so bad that Deb's relatives, who tried to be polite, even scared the dog away when they tried to pass off their helpings (in secret, of course) to him. That dog hates Thanksgiving now. I ruined a patriotic holiday for a perfectly good canine. And maybe my ex in-laws, but I'm less concerned about them.

After my return from semi-retirement, I vowed to never ruin another Thanksgiving. And how do you make sure you will never ruin another Thanksgiving? You learn to cook. Sure, there will be fights and bickering and tension and veiled insults, but if there's good food, nothing else matters.

So between now and Thanksgiving, I'll be posting some of my favorite recipes up here. If I can learn, you can, too. Let's start with the simplest (and my personal favorite category, besides Scotch... wait, is that a food group? No? Fine Appetizers.

This artichoke dip is the very first thing I learned to make. It's got cheese, it's got heavy cream, there's no way you can make it taste bad. And if you do, well, you're your own brand of special. Now, let's get cooking.


Earley Times No-Fail Artichoke Dip

Ingredients:

1-1/2 cans artichokes (NOT marinated, unless you want to ruin your cooking rep), chopped and drained
1 onion, diced
2 cups mozzarella cheese

Mix the artichokes, onions, and mozzarella cheese together. With your hands. It's equal parts soothing and disgusting. Pour into a greased baking dish (I use two nine-inch pie pans, or whatever you have that holds the mixture). This is your basis for the dip.

Now, moving on...

1 pint of whipping cream
2 egg whites
1 egg
3/4 tsp. salt
dash of pepper
dash of nutmeg

Whisk all these things together. If you don't have a whisk, go buy one. Now. When you're done buying/whisking, pour this mixture over the artichoke mixture from above. Sprinkle the whole thing with two handfuls of freshly grated Parmesan cheese. Then, if you're like me, realize you've forgotten to preheat the oven.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Bake the dip for at least an hour, until it's browned on top. Serve with vegetables, crackers, or anything. That's right. Anything tastes good with this dip.

Enjoy.