It's summer and I got mosquito bites everywhere (!) and it's hot as crap in Scranton and Jakey pawned my oscillating fan and I'm just sick of it all! It's time for me to get out of this hell-hole and take a well-deserved vacation—'cause no one busts their balls like I do, no one! I got my dream vacation narrowed down to just a handful of places:

· Hedonism 3, Jamaica – Hedonism 2 is awesome, but I'm not allowed to go back there. I figure if "2" is good, "3" is probably at least one better (and bigger - hehe)!

· Bourbon Street, New Orleans – I freaking love free beads and you can get them there even when it's not Mardi Gras.

· Toronto, Canada – In my experience, Canadians are crazy freaky.

· Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia – The only people freakier than Canucks are Revolutionary War reenactors. Those guys and their corncob bongs…

· Atlanta, Georgia – Love me the dirty south and a gay dude I know says they got the best strip clubs in the country. If a gay guy says the strippers are hot, you know they’re hot!

· Hershey Park, Pennsylvania – Chocolate, rides, and none of that judgmental Disney crap where they kick you out for flashing the roller coaster cameras.
· The Jersey Shore, New Jersey – This place combines my four favorite things about New Jersey: people from New Jersey, beautiful Jersey beaches, classy Jersey dance clubs, and classic Jersey hospitality.

See? So many good choices and I just can't decide. Let me know where you think I should stay and maybe if you convince me I'll send you a "thinking of you" postcard with some dudes on the beach wearing nothing but banana hammocks!