My friend Patti is getting married, again. It’s the little skank’s fifth time and I am not looking forward to having to go to another one of her crappy-ass weddings! But as the maid of honor, I’m very excited about the bachelorette party I’m gonna throw. I throw a party the same way I conceived my son—lot of booze, lot of sex, lot of screaming girls in the back of the Party Wagon. If you want to rock your friend’s world before she throws her life away with some loser who hasn’t even heard of AC/DC, just follow these steps:

1. Don’t go to your neighborhood bar. Too many witnesses.
   
   
2. Make sure your cab driver is a chick. If it’s a dude, your friends will be too tempted to get him drunk and jump his bones and then you’re stuck walking.
   
   
3. Get a white shirt, write a bunch of crazy tasks on it (like “give a cop a lap dance” or “rob a stripper”), and make the bride do ‘em all one by one.
   
   
4. Buy some fishing line and attach it to a dollar bill so when you stuff money into the stripper’s banana hammock, you can pull it right back out.
   
   
5. If anyone (be it cop, club owner, bartender, waitress, jogger, pizza delivery guy, etc.) gives you a tough time, get all the girls to scream, “but she’s getting married” tomorrow. It’s a get out of jail free card, unless you’re actually in jail.
   
   
6. Bring some fat friends. They love to get wild and crazy and they’ll help ensure the stripper goes home with you and not someone else.
   
   
7. Don’t wear heels. Sure they make my ass look great, but I always get tempted to attack someone with those stilettos.
   
   
8. Never pay for nothing. If you’re not cute like me, make sure some of the invitees are sexy as hell. Guys will gladly “pay the cover” to get down with a hot bachelorette party.
   
   
9. Make sure the bride-to-be has a good time. After all, this is her night. You and your friends can take over a Chippendale club anytime, but this is her last chance, so make her the star.