People who know me know I like to have a good time. And I’ve got the nicknames to prove it: Daredith, Baredith, Affairedith, and The Grateful Red. The point is, I’m known far and wide as a party girl and I’d be the last person to criticize someone for drinking, boinking, or fighting too much. But ever since my friend Patti got out of the slammer, I’ve been really worried about her—she’s totally out of control!

It’s one thing to go out on a weeknight and tie one off. I mean, if you want to maintain the status of a “regular” at several bars, you got to get out and about. But I don’t care how hung over you are, you pick yourself up the next morning, try and find your shoes, figure out where you are, and get your butt to work. You can sleep it off there. But with Patti, she’s at it 24/7. She won’t even take a break for our “Girl’s Night” tradition. We sit around drinking Coors, singing along to American Idol, and throwing our empties at Paula. Instead of hanging with her girls, she’s been busy falling off the stage at amateur night, getting her bus pass revoked, and foolin’ around with matches. It’s just sad. So I decided to do something about it.

I know from personal experience, that you can’t change a person’s wicked ways until they hit rock bottom. When I was in school, everyone said I had to tone it down, but I never believed them until I fell into that rock quarry. So I waited for Patti to hit her low point. And waited, and waited. But when a person takes pride in sucking spilled booze out of shag carpet, they can get awfully low without bottoming out. Fortunately, an opportunity finally presented itself at the Old Country Buffet. Patti and I went to “camel up” for the weekend, but after I finished my second plate and went to get thirds, Patti said she was full, too full of booze to eat anymore. We both stared at one another in total silence. Then Patti said it. “Maybe I need to cut back a little… I barely got my 8 bucks worth.” I hugged her, we both cried, and as I filled up my purse with the best damn fried pork tenderloin in the state, I knew everything was going to be all right.