Before I start, let me just say, I don’t want you all to think I’m a prude or a virgin or anything lame like that. I enjoy casual sex as much as the next gal posting on Casual Encounters, but sometimes a girl is in the mood for romance. I mean, eventually I’m gonna give a dude “the milk,” but there’s no way in hell he’s getting it for free. If you want a piece of this, you’re going to need to put in the work. Wine me, dine me, grind me. Drinks, dinner, and dancing. And no, the lunch buffet at Toppers does not count for all three, unless of course they’re serving those awesome hot wings.

If you want to impress a girl, take her someplace SUPER classy. If we go to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company for shellfish, you’ll get a whole lot more than crabs. Don’t like seafood? No problem. The HomeTown Buffet has a little something for everyone, plus gigantic portions. Which is important, ‘cause when momma has a full tank of gas, she can ride all night. Or maybe, you don’t like food at all. Well then, lets shake our groove-train at the Colosseum. It’s like a Roman orgy, with tons of dance music, drink specials, and black lights. Nothing makes a girl feel right like getting her freak on to Scranton’s best laser-light show.

Dinner and dancing are great, but if you really wanna make my butter melt, here’s the itinerary for an ideal date: 1. Pick me up in a quality American automobile. Call me old-fashioned, but riding the bus on a date just isn’t that romantic. I’m not in my early 30’s anymore. 2. Bring me a gift. Forget flowers, I need something practical. Chocolates are okay, meat is better, and you can’t go wrong with toiletries—I’m always running out of toiletries. 3. Play some romantic music on the drive to get us in the mood. Something like AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” really gets my motor running. 4. At dinner, make a romantic gesture. If some guy flirts with me or the waiter looks at me weird, kick the crap out of him. Seeing a man bleed always makes me feel like a woman. 5. And finally, if you follow steps 1 thru 4, you can drive me someplace real romantic, like the quarry, and then make love to me until the sun rises. I can’t think of a more romantic place to end a date, than the roomy backseat of a quality American automobile.