The future can be hard to predict before it happens. I didn’t see that audit coming. Didn’t see that DUI check point coming. And I sure as hell didn’t see those side effects coming (hair-ry!). Sometimes life throws you curve balls, especially when it comes to dating. That’s why it’s important to check your horoscope. You need to know what the future has in store for you when you’re a single gal. I was born in May, so that makes me a Taurus - which is ironic because I drove a Ford Taurus before it got impounded (stupid check point).

I’m one of those rare Tauruses that’s compatible with all other signs, but I still need a little guidance now and again. Last week this new janitor started at the office park and I really want to jangle his big ring of keys, if you catch my drift. I decided to seek the advice of a psychic. Madame Cindy is a professional astrologer and palm reader. She explained to me that, “Tauruses are gentle, sensitive and feminine” – eerie how accurate that is, right? Madame Cindy then took my palm and told me that all of the calluses on my hands meant wealth in my future. And the dirt under my nails was a sign of hope. I was pretty satisfied with the session up to this point, then her predictions started to get ridiculous. She told me some crap about how that patch of red on my thumb is a fungus and that my yellowish skin might be a symptom of jaundice. I came in to talk about doin’ that janitor – if I wanted medical advice I’d go to that prison doc that owes me a favor. To top it all off, she ended the session by charging me thirty-five dollars for her predictions! I could tell she wasn’t a real psychic when she accepted my check.

Now I get all the psychic and astrological advice I need for free. I just go to the super market and read my horoscope in magazines. It works out well, when I find a really good horoscope I rip out that page so that I don’t have to pay for anything (I do the same thing to the bartending books at the public library). Just yesterday I tore out a horoscope that said, “You will have an encounter with someone that offers an investment opportunity, you’ll benefit if you proceed with skepticism.” Hear that, I’m going to have an “encounter with someone”! Now I know for sure that I’m gonna get that janitor… it’s in the stars.