Dwight Schrute's Schrute-Space

The Arrival of Spring

2008-04-17T14:21:12Z

Many agrarians will tell you that there are certain signs that spring has arrived. Most of those signs are false and based solely on superstition. I’m tired of common people using these untruths to determine when it is springtime. For example, groundhogs have no true supernatural value. Despite what the idiots in Punxsutawney may believe, the shadow of a groundhog neither confirms nor denies the arrival of spring. It merely asserts the position of the sun in relation to a certain groundhog on a certain day. Additionally, when you see a red-breasted robin, it does not mean that spring is upon us. It means that food has disappeared from its previous location and now the robin is searching for new viands. Finally, “love” is never “in the air.” Yes, spring happens to coincide with the mating seasons of many animals. That does not mean that some unquantifiable substance called “love” is floating around in the atmosphere. Much the opposite. An increase in airborne animal pheromones has absolutely zero effect on the amount of pheromones that humans produce because pheromones from other species do not act as a pheromone-stimulant in humans. Humans can reproduce at any time during the year and only human pheromones can stimulate other human pheromones. Believing that spring has anything to do with “love” is just stupid and ignorant.

]]> On Schrute Farms, there are five telltale signs that spring has arrived. These signs are easy to validate and require no belief in anything but solid fact.

1. The date is between March 21st and June 21st. If the date falls within this period of time, then it is a sign that spring has occurred or is occurring. It is indisputable. Seasons are demarcated by certain days in order to clearly define when a season is taking place.

2. The dirt is not frozen. In wintertime, the soil becomes frozen and unable to support crop growth. This changes when spring comes around because the temperature is warmer and the ground is thawed. If the ground is frozen, you can successfully determine that it is not yet spring.

3. There have been no major federal holidays for a month and there will be none for the next two months. At the beginning of spring, you do not have to worry about workers missing work thanks to federally mandated days off. If a worker attempts to miss a day of work based on a holiday of his own observance at the beginning of spring, that worker should be fired. The only holiday in the entirety of spring is Memorial Day and that doesn’t occur until the end of May.

4. My cousin Mose begins to talk about his birthday. Mose was born in late October and his birthday has always been a huge event in his life. He begins to start mentioning his birthday at the beginning of spring each year, giving him a full eight-month head start on the actual day of celebration. If Mose isn’t mentioning his birthday, it isn’t spring yet.

5. You can smell a faint stale manure smell when you walk outside. Manure does not give off an odor in the wintertime. The cold temperature neutralizes the smell and restricts the odor to the immediate vicinity of the excrement itself. In the spring, the rising temperature activates the smell of the manure and the longer it sits around, the more present the smell becomes. This scent becomes nearly unbearable to some people in summertime because it is too pungent. In the spring, however, the odor of manure hangs in the air like a gentle air freshener of defecation and that is how you know which season it is.

Please do not accept the unnatural indicators of spring as valid. They are merely children’s stories that have become accepted through years of negligence by an oral tradition that does not bother to check facts. The Schrute Farms Signs of Spring ring true each year and can be counted upon with the certainty of science. These are the only real ways to determine whether or not spring has truly sprung. Don’t believe the hype, people. Just stick to the facts.

Thoughts on Interpersonal Communication and the Introduction of Schrutanese

2008-03-20T14:00:00Z

We, as a society, have gone backwards when it comes to interpersonal communication. Neanderthals communicated using only grunts and gestures. As time passed on, humans began to overcomplicate language to the point where it is now difficult to accomplish anything because there are too many stupid people and they use too many stupid words. This is why I am proposing the use of a basic universal language for all human beings regardless of race, culture, or physical location.

This language will not take the place of conversation between people you know and trust. It will merely be used for the casual daily interactions with strangers that can become so difficult when words are introduced. If I sneeze, I don’t need to have a conversation about it. Thank you for your blessings, but please stop wasting my time. Also, it’s more polite to say gesundheit. My new language will take the place of these time-wasters and bring interpersonal communication back to its purest form.

]]> My language, known as “Schrutanese” (named after its founder), will be comprised of grunts, claps, numbers, and two English words: yes and no. Each grunt will have several definitions and the meaning of a clap will be based on how many claps a person uses. Numbers and “yes” and “no” will retain their traditional meanings. Below you will find an excerpt from the very first edition of my Schrutanese dictionary.

Three claps: “Stop.”

Three short firm grunts: “Have an enjoyable day” and “This weather is lovely.”

One clap + quick low-pitch grunt: “I’m sorry.” [Only used rarely in Schrutenese]

Short nasal grunt: “Thank you for your help” and “go away.”

Long groaning robotic grunt: “Out of my way” and “take cover.”

Short slide-whistle grunt: “More,” “please,” and “really?”

Succession of rapid claps: “Good job,” “Bravo,” or “Congratulations.” [This is currently in use by most people.]

Two claps + howl-like grunt + four slow claps: “Ow.”

I do not expect to make any money off of this new language, so please do not think that I’m a huckster of some sort. I’m just a man. A man who wants to change the world through grunts, claps, traditional numerals, and two English words. If you are interested in receiving a copy of the Schrutanese dictionary when it becomes a completed resource material, please continue to search the internet as this will be the location of its publication. Thank you for your interest.

(Three short firm grunts),
Dwight K. Schrute

The Most Practical Method of Meat Preparation

2008-02-21T13:43:32Z

Most people are unfamiliar with the powers of dehydration as a cooking tool for meat. These people think that all meat must be cooked in an oven or on a stove or using a grill. This notion is ridiculous. These people are clearly dummies. This weblog entry is specifically written to dispel their closed-minded ideals.

What good is a freshly grilled steak to me if I’m not sitting at a table? If I’m hiding in an elevated perch during a paintball battle, that steak becomes nothing less than a burden. When combatants from the other squad smell the steak, it could lead them right to me. If the steak sits out too long in the sun, there’s a strong likelihood that it will turn rancid. Shortly after that point it becomes a silent but deadly killer waiting for my hunger to unwittingly lead me into the meat’s treacherous clutches. “Traditional Meat Cookers” would probably want that to happen to me. They would like to see me die. Well guess what, enemies? Dehydrated meat leaves me vulnerable to NONE of the situations I described previously. It can be eaten discreetly and in any location. It is delicious without being messy. Best of all, it is highly nutritious.

]]> Dehydrated meat is commonly referred to as “jerky.” I do not know who came up with this name, so don’t bother asking me. Jerky can be made from almost any type of meat. Most people are familiar with beef jerky. This is the most pedestrian of jerkies. I much prefer venison jerky -- be it deer or bear. The nutty flavor of the meat works surprisingly well when all moisture is removed from it. Venison jerky, like all jerky, is incredibly chewy in a very pleasing way. I have also seen jerky made from rabbit, badger, vole, raccoon, squirrel, trout, and salmon. This is by no means a complete list; it’s just what I’ve tasted personally.

To make jerky, you don’t need any fancy cooking equipment. I’ve seen television advertisements for professional “food dehydrators,” but these are made for morons (a category you may fit into if you still deny the awesome power of jerky). All you really need to make jerky is a knife and the sun. The knife is for cutting your meat into long, thin strips. The sun is for drying the meat. This all happens thanks to a little scientific process I like to call evaporation. If you so desire, you may also choose to season the meat. I don’t do this. It’s a frivolous task and a waste of spices. There is nothing wrong with unadorned meat and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Salting the meat is a different story, however, and you should use salt liberally in order to remove as much moisture from the meat as possible. Once you’ve cut your meat into strips, find a clean area to hang the strips in the sun. Within a few days, your jerky will be ready for consumption, and when it is, the world is your oyster [NOTE: I have never seen or heard of oyster jerky].

Enjoy your newfound freedom as you travel the globe without worrying about where you’ll find a fresh source of protein. Your jerky will serve as a nutritional passport as you set your mind to other more important things, like how you will avoid the pickpockets that ruin most travel experiences both here in America and abroad.

Take heed, readers. Jerky will change your lives. All you have to do is open your mind.

This Entry Has Been Completed.

Dwight Kurt Schrute
Jerky Enthusiast

Why I Don’t Trust the Craftsmanship of Swedes

2008-01-17T17:43:56Z

I wish a pleasant January to you all. January is usually the month where Schrute Farms undergoes many of its reconstruction projects. During our recent transition into an eco-tourist destination, we opened our farm and its themed-rooms to tourists of all types. This has led to problems. While dealing with the needs of our varied guests, I no longer have time to begin the reconstruction efforts the farm so badly needs. My cousin Mose doesn’t have the initiative to start the projects on his own (although he is quite a diligent worker when told exactly what to do), so until I can get some free time, the farm will remain unkempt.

Additionally, the guests that we have hosted have not treated our belongings with the respect that we Schrutes give to our possessions. The night table constructed by my Great Uncle Gernot has been chipped and scratched as if it were a common scratching post. My familiar dining table has had beet jelly spilled upon it several times and, as everyone knows, beet jelly leaves stains that are entirely irremovable. After discussing the situation with various co-workers, it was suggested that I visit the massive furniture store run by Swedish people (In an effort to not slander nor promote any corporations in this weblog, I will refrain from naming with Swedish furniture store I patronized. Let’s just say that it was a bad “IDEA” that I shopped there).

]]> After driving quite a ways to get there, I found the enormous monstrosity of a store. At first, I was worried that I had mistakenly driven to some massive indoor stadium. Unfortunately, this turned out to be my destination. Once inside, I was comforted by the abundance of umlauts in the signage but that’s where my comfort ended. The store was filled with shoddy items constructed of shoddy materials. Of course the prices are low – how much could they really charge for compressed sawdust?

While sampling their meatballs (surprisingly delicious, but not worthy of comparison to Grandma Mannheim’s fleischklops), I persuaded myself to buy one of the Swede’s night tables as a replacement for Great Uncle Gernot’s fine oak table. I just couldn’t imagine letting that table endure one more night of abuse by irresponsible travelers. The replacement table cost twenty-five dollars. It was made out of pine. Pine. For twenty-five dollars, I expect a lease for a small plot of land in a pine forest. Instead, I received eleven pieces of unfinished wood. Perhaps they would have liked to spit in my face as well.

When I got the table home, I set Mose to work assembling it. He completed the assembly in just under three minutes. I remember Mose making a similar table out of forest lumber when he was seven – as a joke. While we all laughed heartily then, except for Mose who was shunned for a week for participating in humor, nobody at Schrute Farms was laughing this time. Mose cried when he finished the construction. I don’t know if it was because of the poor materials and ridiculous tool he had to use or the memory of his long-forgotten forest lumber joke, but either way there were tears running down his bearded face and it breaks my heart to see that. It equally breaks my heart to have a piece of furniture in my home that is made of such a quality as that Swedish bedside table.

I smashed that table to pieces immediately. I couldn’t stand looking at it for one more second. From that day forward, I swore that I would never allow another piece of second-rate Swedish furniture into my home ever again.

Anything that makes Mose cry will henceforth be banished from Schrute Farms. Do not trifle with a Schrute. Ever.

That is all.

D. K. Schrute

Spelling is a Cornerstone of Communication

2007-12-20T19:10:56Z

Please take a moment to ask yourself this question before reading this web log: “Am I a stupid person that can’t spell?” If yes, then answer this question: “Will I be offended if somebody, namely Dwight K. Schrute, makes fun of people that can’t spell?” If yes, then please visit another destination on the World Wide Web. I suggest http://www.dundermifflinpaper.biz. Also, take solace in the fact that you know how to read at all, despite your shortcomings in the spelling department.

For those of you who remain: welcome. You’re among decent spellers. It feels good to get rid of the poor-spelling moon-faces. Good riddance.

]]> I was at a gas station this weekend and heard a little girl ask her mother a question. This question might as well have been “Why am I so dumb?” but in actuality, it was “Do reindeer fly better when it’s raining?” Obviously, the girl thought that reindeer was spelled “rain deer.” Children are stupid. What sense is there in naming an animal after a weather condition? There is no such thing as a hail bear. Nor is there a sleet squirrel. The only exception to this rule is the snow leopard, which is named more for its coloring than its preference for cold weather. I’m also aware of ThunderCats, but they don’t count because they’re alien creatures.

The point is, this girl didn’t know how to spell and her mother didn’t bother to correct her. That’s why I had to step in. I politely explained to the little girl that she was stupidly spelling the word incorrectly in her head. I went on to say that the rein in reindeer is spelled like that not because it refers to the reins that man uses to domesticate these animals, but because of the word’s etymological roots in the Norse languages. Additionally, I told her that reindeer are also known as caribou. The girl started crying and needless to say, I won’t be returning to fill up at Bewick’s anytime soon. I’m in the process of refining biobutanol from this year’s beet harvest anyway, so I won’t need gasoline at all from now on.

Spelling has always been important to me, as well as the Schrutes in general. Considering that the name Schrute is not the easiest name to spell, we decided that, as a clan, we needed to make spelling a priority. As a result, our home schooling emphasized spelling at the expense of other subjects that were deemed to be less important, like geometry and AP U.S. History. While I can easily spell “rhombus,” I sadly have no idea how to identify one.

Happy Holidays and a merry “That is all” to everyone.

With Utmost Sincerity,
Dwight Kurt Schrute

Giving Thanks is a Sign of Weakness

2007-11-22T18:30:33Z

A lot of people have asked me how the Schrutes enjoy the traditional holiday of “Thanksgiving.” The answer is simple. We do not. Celebrating a holiday that encourages blind appreciation for everything and anything in a person’s life diminishes the rare instances that a person is truly thankful for something, i.e. when that person is pulled from a well they may have fallen into. Giving thanks is also a sign of weakness. It shows that you are placing yourself in situations in which you cannot depend on yourself and, thus, must rely on others to do things for you. At Schrute Farms, we choose instead to celebrate our own holiday called “Resourcefulnacht,” which is a Germlish hybrid word that roughly translates to “Night of Resourcefulness” in English.

Resourcefulnacht is both a holiday and a small series of challenges for children. You can think of it as a dinner theatre with the theatre element being replaced by a string of events that include: knot-tying, beet loading and unloading, hand-to-hand combat using common household cleaning items, juggling, and a cooking challenge not unlike television’s “Top Chef” program*. In my teenage years, I was the knot-tying champion of Resourcefulnacht six years in a row. It remains one of my proudest achievements and also led to my inheritance of Schrute Farms.

]]> Dinner on Resourcefulnacht is quite similar to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We eat turkey, as most Americans do, but unlike Thanksgiving celebrants, we actually earn our keep. Two weeks before Resourcefulnacht, the Schrute men are dispatched into the forest where they hunt for wild turkeys. Once the largest winged beast is found, it is then dispatched with a bow and arrow and returned to the farm for preparation. After the turkey is cleaned and ready to cook, it is placed in a smoking pit two feet into the ground and buried there until Resourcefulnacht. This ensures that the turkey will be deliciously moist for all to enjoy. The children may only eat on Resourcefulnacht if they win one of the events, which adds an extra layer of pressure to the proceedings. Schrutes also enjoy a sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows.

The Schrute children look forward to Resourcefulnacht all year as a way to prove themselves to the elder Schrutes. It is on this night that a Schrute child can go from anonymous teat-sucker to worthy contributor in the family. My second cousin, Ehrlich, proved himself to be so useful during Resourcefulnacht festivities that he was placed in charge of the family’s international beet distribution operations. Sadly, Resourcefulnacht does not test for mathematical skills and it was soon discovered that Ehrlich had quickly run the entire international venture into the ground.

Whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or Resourcefulnacht, I commend you on controlling the turkey population in America. Should they be allowed to reproduce unchecked, this nation would be overrun by turkeys.

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

*NOTE: The Schrutes created this event long before “Top Chef” was ever invented. I’m not accusing them of stealing the idea, I just want all of my readers to know that the Schrutes are the progenitors of this style of culinary competition.

I Do Not Believe in Lycanthropes

2007-10-25T17:31:37Z

Seeing as it’s the second to last week in October, it seems fitting to discuss the major event that will soon be upon us: the full moon. This cannot taken lightly, as it only happens once every 29 and a half days when the synodic month is reset. It is also not to be taken lightly because of the havoc it creates around the world. FACT: more crime occurs during full moons than all of the other partial moons combined [source: imagination]. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

The full moon is also the time when the mythical lycanthrope, or “werewolf,” emerges. I do not believe in lycanthropes. I put no credence in the theory that a human can change into anything other than a decomposing human. Some of my relatives, however, fully trust that lycanthropes exist. Some have even claimed that they have seen them with their own eyes. They are obviously liars. They would have been devoured and unable to report the sighting. They also say that lycanthropes are especially attracted to Schrute Farm. False. The claw marks that we find the morning after full moons are from real wolves that enjoy the bounty of our farm. They are not from werewolves, no matter what you may have heard. Please do not let these rumors keep you away from the farm – it is beautiful this time of year. If you are seriously concerned, merely stay away from Schrute Farm during the full moon period and return as soon as the lunar cycle has advanced.

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Also, do not believe the rumor that a member of my family was injured by one of these “shapeshifters.” What you may be referring to is an unfortunate accident in which my cousin Heindl was mauled by a small sheepdog that was working for my family. The Schrutes have long employed the help of canines as a means of scaring off small vermin. Heindl was very rude in his dealings with the dog and was unable to sense that this animal was about to violently attack him. He is an idiot.

No matter how callous this may sound, Heindl deserved the bites and infections that he received. He also learned a very important lesson that day. Yes, he did have to spend a week in the hospital because of the blood loss and the ruined eye, but no, he was not attacked by a so-called “Man Wolf.” I hope this sets your mind at ease. All are welcome at our farm!

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

Post Script: Please do not come to Schrute Farm attempting to “trick or treat.” There will be no treats available for you. Also, if you plan to “trick,” be advised that Schrute Farm is private property and any actions with bad intentions will be dealt with as an immediate threat to farm security. You will be maced or bludgeoned and you will be delivered to the doorstep of the Lackawanna County Sheriff’s Office. See how much you like getting your treats in jail, kids.

Time Encapsulated

2007-09-28T01:50:28Z

Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).

This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.

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As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.

These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:

1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.

2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.

3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.

4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”

5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.

6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.

This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.

That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version

When Ninjas Attack!

2007-05-10T23:02:38Z

Every year, when spring comes, my mind goes to one place and one place only, Ninjas.

Every time you read about Ninja’s attacking somebody or assassinating some public figure, it seems to happen in the spring. I’m not sure why, it’s just the way it is.

Maybe it’s the fact that the spring is traditionally the new year in most pagan religions. It is also the Persian festival, “Naw Ruz” or “New Year”.

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Whether it is a throwing star to the neck at a bowling alley, a poison spike that sails through an open window and lodges itself in the fleshy part of the leg, or a mysterious black-clad figure with a bo staff, perched up on the ceiling of your garage as you pull in your car from your awesome job, ninja attacks can and will happen anywhere and anytime.

And they happen to the best people too. Just ask my cousin Heindl. She has lost 12% hearing in her left ear from one.

Things to remember:

Be alert. Everybody loves a lert. (Ziggy joke)

Check ceilings first, when doing your safety inspections, that’s where they like to ‘hang’.

The best defense against a ‘shuriken’ or throwing star is a good offense. Also, armor.

You will never beat a ninja at a sword fight, one on one. When the Ninja draws his sword, fire your taser ™. A well placed taser ™ will take out even the most deadly of ninjas.

Show them that you know they’re there. Shout out, when entering a new locale or a suspicious locale, “I know you’re there, Mr. Ninja. Your element of surprise has now been taken away” [I’ve gotten many ‘funny’ looks for this kind of preparedness, but so be it. That is a risk I’m willing to take. Are YOU!?]

But most importantly, remember that a Ninja is only trying to kill you if someone has hired that ninja to do so. So for every ass-kicking Ninja trying to take someone out there is some alienated girlfriend, some enemy rival at the workplace or some Japanese feudal lord who has paid that Ninja to kill. Or worse.

I hope this web log has made your spring a more beautiful and restful time. That was the author’s intent. Also, fear.

Dwight Kurt Schrute, Assistant Regional manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper
Chairman and Founder, Lackawanna County Ninja Preparedness Council

WEB LOG

2007-03-16T02:26:51Z

I am no longer calling SchruteSpace a “blog”. It is now being called by its un-compacted name “web log”.

Welcome to my web log.

When I die, here’s how I want my funeral.

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I would like Michael Scott to fashion my coffin from Dunder Mifflin paper boxes and duct tape. My pillow will be the cushion from my chair (product # 497 –A8).

I want it to be 6’8” long and 3’ wide with ventilation holes in case I come back to life for some reason.

I would like to be buried with several things.

1) My lover’s cat and/or my lover
2) My bobblehead
3) A cd of the Grassroots “Golden Grass” as well as anything by White Zombie
4) Michael Scott’s hair lock
5) My 2005 Pennsylvania State Fair prize winning beet “The Governator”
6) My spud gun
7) My lover’s Bible
8) My album of sales awards, high school diploma, 2 year Associates degree in Business, business cards
9) Death certificate
10) Garlic

I would like Michael Scott to make a graveside speech. In it he should mention a few things, such as:

“Dwight Kurt Schrute was the best assistant regional manager I will ever have.”

And

“I loved this man more than Andy or Jim or Pam.”
(note: he does not have to include ‘Jan’ in said speech.)

I would like Mose to play Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue” on his whirligig.

Cold beet salad with Venison and mustard greens will be the menu. All will enjoy.

I want Jim to get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and while he’s in mid cry Mose will hit him in the back of his head with an oar.

Please make sure these specifications are followed to the letter or I will come back from the grave and
haunt each and every reader of this web log. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

In all sincerity that is all,
Dwight K. Schrute

Dear World Wide Readership

2007-01-04T22:33:23Z

Best wishes and Happy New Year from all of us at Dunder Mifflin Paper Products and Schrute Farms! (Note the exclamation point! I really mean it!!)

Before I speak to you about my new years resolutions for ‘07’, let’s go over some past resolutions and their current status.

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‘99 – quit biting fingernails.
Outcome? Done. On it. Haven’t chewed them since. Ever. Not one nibble. Even when I get a hangnail.

’00 – increase farm productivity by 18%.
Outcome? Schrute Farms had a record harvest that year surpassing ’99 by over 21%. Home run.

’01 – increase farm productivity by additional 4%.
Outcome? Not achieved. Profits increased by 7% but productivity when down by 2.5 %. It was a very dark time. Things got kind of ugly. (This was the year Mose gave up his moto-cross dream and hunkered down and committed to doing some serious beet farmin’.)

’02 – be more social.
This was the year I got into online gaming. Also began 4 year championship laser tag run. Went on more than 3 dates. Spruced up wardrobe. Switched deodorant to the kind that the sailors use.

’03 - write and record my songs and music.
Outcome? Not necessary. Decided against it. Waste of time. Songs are for children and inmates. Switched resolution to increase farm productivity by additional 3%. Achieved new resolution.

’04 – find mate.
Outcome? Dated more than 2 different women during this calendar year. Kissed approximately one of them on the mouth.

Increased sales, was voted top salesman by Dunder Mifflin, won first ‘Dundie’ Award ™, increased farm productivity by 2.7%, asked for and received raise, spent Christmas with Michael Scott, took Mose to the international harvester exposition (and Indian casino), moved up to a daily regimen of 27 pushups and 85 situps.

Did not achieve goal of finding mate.

Am OK with that.

’05 – Can’t remember what I resolved to do.
These pages in my diary are covered in chocolate milk.

’06 – Become top regional salesperson third year running and achieve ‘assistant regional manager’ status.
Done and done. Also found potential mate. Also vanquished Jim. Purchased spud gun. Learned Klingon. Personally saved Scranton branch from being downsized.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Drum-roll please…. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

Dwight Schrute’s New Years Resolution ‘07

I, Dwight Schrute, resolve, in the year 2007, to display more wisdom and benelovence to my inferiors.

It is said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well I say, keep everyone as close as possible to you because you don’t know who is your friend or your enemy. Keep the people below you even closer if that’s possible. Even if they have to be inside you.

Remember: they work for you. They must respect you. If you can fool them into thinking that you really care, you can get them to do anything for you. Even kill if necessary.

Now I’m not saying I want Ryan or Kevin to kill a competitor or Andy or anything, but it would be nice to know that they would if I asked them to.

What are your new years resolutions. You can reply by clicking on something below.

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

HOW TO WORK WELL WITH OTHERS

2006-11-17T03:54:07Z

A blog on the internet,
By Dwight K. Schrute

Sometimes people need to learn to work together and cooperate. This is called sharing. They teach it to kids.

We learned it while growing up on Schrute Farm.

Grampa Schrute used to say “Learn to share or I’ll eat you.”

Grampa Manheim used to say “Share and share alike, but do it better than the other kid.”

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Here’s an example of getting along in a workplace environment:

For instance, you need to use the copy machine, and another co-worker, (who is huge and dumb as a musk oxen and works in accounting) is already using the machine to photocopy a picture of a girl with a surfboard from a magazine.

When I find myself in this situation, I become like the Governator from Terminator 1 and have these 3-4 choices pop up on a screen inside my human head.

The choices might be:

1) Stop what you are doing now and let me use the machine because I am your superior in every way.

2) Use a dragon pinch on his Carotid artery and cause him to collapse. (Jump back! Don’t get trapped under there!)

3) Yell out, “there’s a box of day old donut holes in the kitchen and they’re going fast!” as a diversion.

4) Say, “Excuse me, Kevin, but I have some very important Assistant Regional Manager photocopying to do and as soon as you can possibly finish up, I would ever so greatly appreciate it. So, whenever you’re done… “

So, assuming that I’m not forced or goaded into a dragon pinch ™ I would opt for the polite, civil and beneficent option 4.

That is called working well with others.

We have recently had a situation at the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin (which rules, by the way! It will always be #1. Yeeehaw!) in which some of the cast-offs from Stamford have been sent over to work with us, or work under us as the case may be.

People ask me all the time, ‘Dwight, how did you get to be what you are.’ And ‘How do you always, get to the top of the heap’ and ‘Is there any more of that Marmalade?’ (That was Mose in that last one. Actually those were ALL from Mose.)

I answer, “First, establish dominance. Second, show everyone who’s boss. Third, use humor and or sexuality to get what you want. Fourth: Get to work earliest. Fifth, Don’t let anyone see your flaws. Sixth, ‘ABC’ Which stands for ‘Always Be Closing’. Seventh, don’t let Jim beat you at anything. Eighth, remember that ancient Celtic war chant, still used at many school sporting events, ‘Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive! Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive!”

I hope that has answered some of your questions.

Until next time, I am,
Dwight K. Schrute

PS. That is all.

Beets and Me

2006-10-19T16:16:00Z

"It is difficult to believe how the hardy, crunchy often rough looking exterior of raw beets can be transformed into something wonderfully soft and buttery once they are cooked."
-The Internet

"Beets have the highest sugar content of all vegetables, yet are very low in calories."
-From a website

Varieties
Ruby Red - early crop, flat to globular root 
Detroit Dark Red - main crop, globular root
Monogerm - single-seeded variety 
Formanova - long tubular root 
Crobsy Greentop 
Red Ace

There are also golden beets. They are not made out of gold, but just gold in hue. I love the word hue. Why isn't it used more? It only seems to be used in relation to the X-men, ie: Hue Jackman.

There are three sub-species of beet, The Sea Beet, the Beta Vulgaris and Chard. Chard is often called "swiss chard" because it is from Switzerland and the the swiss eat it like candy. I wish I could grow candy. But candy doesn't grow on farms. At least not in northeastern Pennsylvania.

Here's what they look like:

The enemies of the beet are the cutworm and the aphid. They are horrible. They eat and infest beets. They are of Satan. The black cutworm larvae is gray to dark brown above and has a greasy appearance. Faint light stripes run lengthwise down the body.

My great great grandfather Manheim cultivated Beets in Manheim, Germany. Some of the worlds greatest emporers and Czars have sipped Borscht made from the Beets of a Schrute. Then they wiped their Germanic lips and went off to conquer, warm tummies filled with my beet juice.

How does that make me feel? One word: Impotant.

Farming begins with the soil. That is why each day at dawn, Mose and I go to various points of the farm and taste the dirt. Literally. You can tell the PH and what I call the 'loam factor' with different parts of the tongue. Come to Schute farm at dawn and you will see the sillouettes of two lanky German farmers swirling dirt in their mouths as if it was a fine wine.

Do you have any beet stories or recipes or fun facts or pictures or lore, feel free to post below. Mose is known to read the responses and maybe he'll learn something worth passing on to me, his cousin, Dwight.

by Dwight K. Schrute

POWER

2006-10-04T14:20:00Z

"Knowledge is power." - Frances Bacon

"Information is power." - Dwight Schrute

"Power is power." - Dwight Schrute

When I was a little boy (age 11), my Uncle Grit, took
me out back to the stand of maples by Schrood creek.
He brought his binoculars (Zeiss Victory 8x42 T FL)
and shook them tenderly out of their case. He put his
hand on my shoulder and the binocs to my little round
eyes. He then showed me, high up on a branch, a
strange doll with a noose around it's neck, hanging
from an upper branch.

"What is that, Uncle Grit?"

"That, 'D-cup' (for that is what he called me), is a
Harry S. Truman doll. It was hung there in protest
effigy by myself and seven of my brothers in 1948. We
we're huge 'Dewey' fans and felt Truman was a traitor
to the cause. We hung it in a place where only us
Schrutes knew of it, so we wouldn't get arrested or
anything. This is a Schrute secret. And as you are
now a man, I am letting you know."

I knew at that point that I had become a Schrute. I
had become a man.

Cut to: a nuclear explosion off the coast of
Scotland.

Just kidding.

Cut to: 5 years later.

I am showing little Johnny Hecht around the property.
He has entered the family through marriage (Cousin
Helga and Hank Hecht who managed the ice rink).

I have a crossroads in front of me. Two roads
diverged in the yellow snow. And I took the one less
traveled on.

I told little Johnny about the Truman effigy.

Why? Why, do you ask? Why did you betray your Uncle
Grit by telling a non-Schrute about the doll?

Simple. Power.

I told little Johnny about the doll and told him that
he was now the recipient of privileged information
that could get him killed or worse if it ever got out.

Johnny gasped and swore his allegiance to me for all
time.

Little Johnny was now mine. I controlled him. Like a
pawn in my own private game of Schrute chess. Like a
golem from Yiddish lore.

That, my friends and readers, is how one uses
powerfully uses power to gain power.

Lesson learned? Don't "F" with a Schrute.

That is All.

Dwight K. Schrute

Post Script. Where is Johnny now you ask? Serving
with honor in the Coast Guard off the coast of Naples,
Florida. The exact same Coast Guard featured in the
hit movie "The Guardian" starring Ashton Kutcher.

THE FALL IS HERE AND SO ARE WE

2006-09-12T18:28:00Z

First of all, "fall" is my favorite of the four
seasons (next to summer and spring of course).

And here is a little known fact: They call it fall
because people fall down a great deal over all the
leaves and branches. It also gets icy later on in the
season and that ice on the puddles gets covered with
leaves and brambles and such.

In my humble opinion they should call it "horrifying
accident waiting to happen" or "trip" or "lookout for
leaves!"

Here are some of the many things that happen in the
fall:

The children of the world, dressed in their best new
clothes from Sears, go to class, with their hair
slicked down, their new eyeglass frames and their
throwing stars hidden beneath their notebooks.

Football season starts. Campaigns get under way.
Deers get ready to get hunted.

AND THE NEW SEASON OF "LOST" BEGINS!!!

What the $^$fjol!!09 is going to happen? Sawyer and
Kate and Jack have been absconsed by the OTHERS and
their mysterious, charismatic leader (who played that
psycho killer from "The Practice") I am on pins and
staples!

I would also like to say a few words about gays.

"Gay" used to mean jolly. Now it means a man or a
woman who likes to make out with other men or women.

Now, according to all Schrutes: Who and what people
make out with is their own business.

My uncle Gunther used to tend goats and there were
some very viscous rumors going around the village.
When he fled the invasion he met a Finnish woman and
they had 17 children. That put those rumors to rest
once and for all.

Judge not, lest ye be a judge.

That is all.