October 23, 01:17 PM

Elderly Island: How to Deal with the Elderly

A month ago, my lazy sloth of a Great Uncle, Stoffel, invaded my home. Schrutes are obligated to provide lodging for family members, so long as they’re willing to hunt, slaughter, and/or cure meat in exchange for their room and board. Stoffel refuses to do any work of any kind. He just sits around on our wolverine-skinned couch, drinking tea, reading books, and shivering. The man is truly a 104 year-old menace to society and an example of what happens when a Rumspringa lasts from the Roaring Twenties through the Swinging Sixties.

Stoffel’s continued hedonistic lifestyle is a symptom of a pandemic sweeping the globe: with the spread of modern medicine, the elderly continue to live longer and longer, surviving despite their deteriorating bodies and minds, and burdening society with their “needs” (Note: insulin is a privilege not a right). A person should only exist as long as he proves beneficial to his community. Schrute children adhere to this rule by the age of 6 or else they’re permanently reassigned to a weaker, more tolerant family. So why can’t old people abide?

Unfortunately, humanity seems to lack the backbone to demand that the elderly continue to contribute until they terminate. Instead we both indulge their laziness and demean them, locking them away in retirement homes while they slowly rot in a medicated stupor. The thought seems to be, the elderly, like most minority groups, enjoy being grouped together in a designated living area. But what if we stripped them of their pills and deprived them of their Rascal scooters, perhaps the elderly would stand up and face death like a man: head on, in a battle royal. Win or lose, they’d be more alive than they are now, even if the exertion caused them to cease living.

I’m proposing we take all the seemingly washed-up old geezers sucking at society’s teat like wrinkled old leaches and put them on some remote island. There, they would compete for survival in a format not un-like the popular television program Survivor, only there would be no challenge rewards, medical assistance, or immunity. Just old men and women working together to battle time and Mother Nature, reliving their glory days in some treacherous tropical paradise.

Some would surely die, many immediately, but at least they would die with dignity. Plus there would be those that rise to the occasion—that fight and triumph against the odds. They would of course be welcomed back to our youthful society as conquering heroes, free to live out their days however they see fit. I only pray that if my body ever shows any signs of corrosion, that I’m given such an opportunity. There’s no way I’m going out like old Stoffel, annoying my relatives as I slowly expire. Better to die living my life with honor: sabotaging my opponents, crushing my competition, and surviving no matter what the costs.

COMMENTS

that is horrible! I love Dwight tho...

Its about time the truth was told!

hehe thats so mean!

I agree with Dwight on this one

L8WXAS

With the cost of gas going down so rapidly latley do you think it is cheaper to drive than fly when traveling?

Dwight? What is this? I thought that young people where much more of a problem, since they take your beets from the farm. You are in the CIA right? (pfffhaha) The word on the street is that they are looking for you (-looks at camera-) and they want you to destroy your beets because the enemy has injected jelly sauce into them, and theyve taken Mose and replaced him with a sack of patatoes.

Meredith posting on Dwight's blog... Creed not posting at all. what is the world coming to?

Dwight hates my blog.

Click my name and find out why.

I'd love to hear Dwight's reaction to President-Elect Obama's recent admission that he hate's beets...

Yeah to bad its not the days during the rule of Alexander the Great when only the strongest lived.

I tagged you in a meme, Dwight.

I agree with one exception. I would let them run wild on the island with ak 47s and the last one standing (or wheeling) would be allowed to return to society

An island would be an unnecessary expense, can you imagine the cost to transport all of the elderly to an island. We already have nursing homes that could house a competition of survival amongst the elderly of our nation. All we would need to do is cut the power and water supply, put up electric fences around the outside and wait to see who would emerge from the competition a true victor.

http://entertainment.aol.ca/article/rainn-wilson-moves-from-the-office-to-the-big-screen/319272/

Rainn doesn't write this anymore... so who does?

I think its a great idea. I'm 24 and my parents are in there 60's. In a few short year's I may be forced to move too Missouri and change several adult diapers a day. Geriatric Survivor sounds like a more dignified choice, for my self and my progenitors.

You're onto something. Perhaps PBS would be willing to broadcast such a show as they cater to the senior citizens anyway.

Why is Meredith posting on Dwight's blog?

Maybe we should put them on an iceberg. It will melt and speed up the process. Eskimos had it right all along

you MONSTER!

It's about time someone said it!

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