NBC.com

September 18, 07:44 PM

Zoning Permits

Although I may not agree with all polices made by the government, I still try to respect them. I oppose bans on AK47s, but I abide (even though they would come in handy when Wilson Farms inevitably attacks). I begrudgingly pay my income taxes. I try to tolerate a woman’s right to vote. But restrictions on one’s property rights are something I cannot accept. I believe it is every American’s right to do with their land what they please. That is what our forefathers believed. That is what Davy Crockett believed. I believe that’s what Clint Eastwood believes. I wish Dale Hegarty, the Wayne County zoning officer, honored this view, but he does not. Instead of respecting an American’s property rights, Mr. Hegarty chooses to stifle our freedoms by requiring us to get ridiculous permits. Did Gutzon Borglum need a permit before he carved Mount Rushmore? Probably not.

I want to build a moat around Schrute farm for 6 reasons. 1) It would discourage trespassers (I’ve had it with the pilgrims that mistake our farm for a satellite of the Yearning for Zion Ranch). 2) Adding a moat would drive the local agrotourism community wild. Then I can add a “Private Beach” to our list of amenities. 3) The farm’s waste needs to go somewhere else. 4) My piranhas are out growing their tank and need to learn how to hunt for themselves. 5) Mose has the habit of chasing butterflies into the woods and getting lost. A moat surrounding the farm should keep him from wandering as he developed aquaphobia last summer when he tried to play with his reflection in the pond down the road and nearly drowned. 6) The last and most obvious reason for a moat would be to protect the farmhouse. Without it we’re vulnerable to invaders, be it the beet weevil, Wilson Farms or the French. Despite the apparent need for a moat, the zoning officer prohibited me from filling my hole up with water. That idiot deemed the soft earth surrounding the house as “unstable quicksand,” and “geologically unfit” for a moat. Hogwash.

What the zoning officer fails to understand is that I come from a long line of moat diggers. It was my ancestors that constructed the moat surrounding Heinzburg Castle, which was the toast of Bavaria until the castle sank with the queen in it. And it was my uncle, Barnabas Schrute, that dug the first moat in Honesdale. I’m proud to say four trespassers have died in it and counting. Moat digging is in my blood, so it troubles me that a zoning officer with no history of moat engineering can decide whether or not I am allowed to build a moat. What does he care anyway? Should anyone drown in the moat I’ll be the one held accountable. Mose knows how to perform CPR and, if need be, how to embalm a body. If something happens to any of the guests staying at the bed & breakfast we’re legally covered; at check-in they’re required to sign a 33 page waiver. I am a responsible land owner and moat digger, so I take great offense to a system that allows a loser like Mr. Hegarty to compromise my property rights by telling me what I can and cannot build. If the house collapses into the moat and we all die it’s my problem not Dale’s - and it’s my right to have that problem. I think the zoning officer is just jealous because he doesn’t even own the land his house is on. Well, screw you Dale! Your wife’s fat and your barn sucks!

COMMENTS

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I think you are thinking like sukrat, but I think you should cover the other side of the topic in the post too...

It is really sad that there is some guy/site that copied this blog entry word for word onto their site and treated it like it was an actual blog.

See for yourself:

http://www.reason.org/outofcontrol/archives/2008/09/schrute_farms_v.html

Fact: I carved a pumpkin in your likeness.
Thanks for being awesome.

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e346/MSpPics/dwightsq.png

-Chris

This is in reply to JoeSomebody's comment, you might want to know a little something about the show, and Dwight for that matter BEFORE you create a fan club.

I don't see how a character written by writers has anything to do with politics. I'm sure they just want him to seem bizzare and funny. Anything else that you draw from it is coincedence.

I would recommend hiding the moat, if you look at sniper camouflage, which you will notice is almost impossible to see, you will find that the military uses a green cloth like substance to hide its snipers. If you use this same technology you will not only hide the moat from the building department but also increase the number of intruder deaths!

So, Dwight is the libertarian on the show? It figures that NBC would do this. I bet Jim is a super-cool Obama supporter, right?

From news to sitcoms, product placement is rampant. For NBC, the product happens to be socialism, and they're featuring it pro bono.

Yeah I tried building a moat around my house to. I wasn't even halfway through filling it with water when the "man" showed up.

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Dwight,

Consider adding a small guards tower, approximately 15 to 20 ft high, overlooking the compound, er farm.

I think you will discover that this addition will serve exceptionally in the protection of your property.

Not only does it allow you to gain the upperhand in vigilance and secure observation, but it provides you with an elevated platform from which you can launch and air-to-ground attack using many weapons, including domestic weapons (manure, mudpies, etc.)

Consider this please.

Your friend,

Jeremiah

There is no such ban on AK47's they are completely legal. At least you can defend yourself with one or several if you wish!

Dwight,
Have you considered using an electrified chain link fence? Not only would it protect you from unwanted visitors, but it would also fry unwary wildlife, giving you an opportunity to fix a delicious pot of groundhog and beet stew.

Why won't those stupid liberals let you build a moat? It would be great for keeping obama supporters from pestering you, And Liberals tend to be fat enough to satisfy piranhas

Dwight,
I think you should build your moat...after you build your moat, you will be unstoppable!!!

Best wishes.

Jessica

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