April 17, 09:21 AM

The Arrival of Spring

Many agrarians will tell you that there are certain signs that spring has arrived. Most of those signs are false and based solely on superstition. I’m tired of common people using these untruths to determine when it is springtime. For example, groundhogs have no true supernatural value. Despite what the idiots in Punxsutawney may believe, the shadow of a groundhog neither confirms nor denies the arrival of spring. It merely asserts the position of the sun in relation to a certain groundhog on a certain day. Additionally, when you see a red-breasted robin, it does not mean that spring is upon us. It means that food has disappeared from its previous location and now the robin is searching for new viands. Finally, “love” is never “in the air.” Yes, spring happens to coincide with the mating seasons of many animals. That does not mean that some unquantifiable substance called “love” is floating around in the atmosphere. Much the opposite. An increase in airborne animal pheromones has absolutely zero effect on the amount of pheromones that humans produce because pheromones from other species do not act as a pheromone-stimulant in humans. Humans can reproduce at any time during the year and only human pheromones can stimulate other human pheromones. Believing that spring has anything to do with “love” is just stupid and ignorant.

On Schrute Farms, there are five telltale signs that spring has arrived. These signs are easy to validate and require no belief in anything but solid fact.

1. The date is between March 21st and June 21st. If the date falls within this period of time, then it is a sign that spring has occurred or is occurring. It is indisputable. Seasons are demarcated by certain days in order to clearly define when a season is taking place.

2. The dirt is not frozen. In wintertime, the soil becomes frozen and unable to support crop growth. This changes when spring comes around because the temperature is warmer and the ground is thawed. If the ground is frozen, you can successfully determine that it is not yet spring.

3. There have been no major federal holidays for a month and there will be none for the next two months. At the beginning of spring, you do not have to worry about workers missing work thanks to federally mandated days off. If a worker attempts to miss a day of work based on a holiday of his own observance at the beginning of spring, that worker should be fired. The only holiday in the entirety of spring is Memorial Day and that doesn’t occur until the end of May.

4. My cousin Mose begins to talk about his birthday. Mose was born in late October and his birthday has always been a huge event in his life. He begins to start mentioning his birthday at the beginning of spring each year, giving him a full eight-month head start on the actual day of celebration. If Mose isn’t mentioning his birthday, it isn’t spring yet.

5. You can smell a faint stale manure smell when you walk outside. Manure does not give off an odor in the wintertime. The cold temperature neutralizes the smell and restricts the odor to the immediate vicinity of the excrement itself. In the spring, the rising temperature activates the smell of the manure and the longer it sits around, the more present the smell becomes. This scent becomes nearly unbearable to some people in summertime because it is too pungent. In the spring, however, the odor of manure hangs in the air like a gentle air freshener of defecation and that is how you know which season it is.

Please do not accept the unnatural indicators of spring as valid. They are merely children’s stories that have become accepted through years of negligence by an oral tradition that does not bother to check facts. The Schrute Farms Signs of Spring ring true each year and can be counted upon with the certainty of science. These are the only real ways to determine whether or not spring has truly sprung. Don’t believe the hype, people. Just stick to the facts.

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Hi Dwight,

What are you getting Mose for his birthday?

Dwight,

1) Would you give up beet farming if Angela wanted to bear your children in a beetless environment?

2) Do your fantasies about Angela ever collide with your Battlestar Galactica daydreams? Is she captain?

3) Do polar bears eat frozen cats?

Peace love science and Angela,
Jock

http://jockdoubleday.com

Hear, hear!

Hey, Dwight, how about posting your list of demands for the nomination for Assistant (to the) President?

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/#mea=251910

Mais quel lourd...

We had BJ Novak on The Bryant Park Project on NPR today. In addition to posting the interview as it aired, we've also posted the uncut version on our blog, for hardcore Office fans. Check it out: http://www.npr.org/blogs/bryantpark/2008/05/the_offices_bj_novak_uncut.html

Hello there Dwight/Rainn Wilson.
one time my brothers friends mom was selling Rainn a house in sisters. so then, my brother got Mr. Wilson to write me a birthday card. here is what says. "Austin. you suck. happy birthday. Rainn Wilson. "Dwight"" and it is signed. How cool is that, Dwight? it being signed by a famous actor and all... and last year i carried a sign around that said "its the verinal equinox"at school. now that is a true sign of spring.

I want to go off topic and ask if you happen to read Harry Potter fanfictions?

It can get your mind off things. Like people. Also good coversation staters at parties and if you still want to hang around the water cooler.

"My cousin Mose begins to talk about his birthday." That is really great logic. I wish I had such a dependable season indicator! (Love your blog, Dwight!)

I think I saw you last night downtown with Michael and that slightly bearded fellow, and some sort of dwarfen creature. You looked busy, but I wanted to ask you if you have any recipes for beet cuisine?

Thank you, meine komrade

-Stephen

Spring sucks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_pZjxAGykI

this is a song i wrote about you dwight, it's me performing it at a talent show at my college..enjoy!!

Dwight, *gasp*, does this mean you don't celebrate Mother's Day? Not to mention Cinco de Mayo!

Shame on Schrute! Every beet farmer should know that this year Spring began on March 20 at precisely 1:48 AM. At exactly that moment in time the Sun crossed directly over the Earth's equator. This moment is known as the vernal equinox in the Northern Hemisphere. For the Southern Hemisphere, this is the moment of the autumnal equinox. How have I gained this knowledge? Why the Farmer's Almanac, of course. Again I say shame on Shrute!

"Believing that spring has anything to do with 'love' is just stupid and ignorant."

... I think someone misses Angela.

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