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March 20, 09:00 AM

Thoughts on Interpersonal Communication and the Introduction of Schrutanese

We, as a society, have gone backwards when it comes to interpersonal communication. Neanderthals communicated using only grunts and gestures. As time passed on, humans began to overcomplicate language to the point where it is now difficult to accomplish anything because there are too many stupid people and they use too many stupid words. This is why I am proposing the use of a basic universal language for all human beings regardless of race, culture, or physical location.

This language will not take the place of conversation between people you know and trust. It will merely be used for the casual daily interactions with strangers that can become so difficult when words are introduced. If I sneeze, I don’t need to have a conversation about it. Thank you for your blessings, but please stop wasting my time. Also, it’s more polite to say gesundheit. My new language will take the place of these time-wasters and bring interpersonal communication back to its purest form.

My language, known as “Schrutanese” (named after its founder), will be comprised of grunts, claps, numbers, and two English words: yes and no. Each grunt will have several definitions and the meaning of a clap will be based on how many claps a person uses. Numbers and “yes” and “no” will retain their traditional meanings. Below you will find an excerpt from the very first edition of my Schrutanese dictionary.

Three claps: “Stop.”

Three short firm grunts: “Have an enjoyable day” and “This weather is lovely.”

One clap + quick low-pitch grunt: “I’m sorry.” [Only used rarely in Schrutenese]

Short nasal grunt: “Thank you for your help” and “go away.”

Long groaning robotic grunt: “Out of my way” and “take cover.”

Short slide-whistle grunt: “More,” “please,” and “really?”

Succession of rapid claps: “Good job,” “Bravo,” or “Congratulations.” [This is currently in use by most people.]

Two claps + howl-like grunt + four slow claps: “Ow.”

I do not expect to make any money off of this new language, so please do not think that I’m a huckster of some sort. I’m just a man. A man who wants to change the world through grunts, claps, traditional numerals, and two English words. If you are interested in receiving a copy of the Schrutanese dictionary when it becomes a completed resource material, please continue to search the internet as this will be the location of its publication. Thank you for your interest.

(Three short firm grunts),
Dwight K. Schrute

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ok dwight question, if the third born child of a german schrude was given a pinch of salt for every time he got a good grade in school, would he have enough salt to eventually bake a loaf of the famous schrude bread? we all know that the schrudes and their decendants the schrutes were very good in school, unfortunately all schrudes dropped out at the age of 7 to join their fellow family members in the field, which leads me to the question, how much schrude bread has ever really been made? maybe you could tell me in an upcoming episode of the office.

*Short slide-whistle grunt*

Now all we need is a new form of currency involving cement blocks and Jell-O.

Dwight, how do I tell you that I love you in Schrutenese?

Dwight, your talents are clearly wasted as a paper salesman. I strongly suggest that you give up on the paper industry. While your loyalty to Dunder-Mifflin is honourable, you would best be suited to a more advanced career. Perhaps some beet farm mogul - communication expert hybrid. I hear those are highly in demand.

Indeed, long has been the time where I have hoped I would not have to complicate my expressions of pain (see "ow"- it is just cumbersome to enunciate one syllable). 'Two claps + howl-like grunt + four slow claps' is precisely what is needed to efficiently convey the experience of pain.

Eternally in your service,
A Dwight minion

(Succession of rapid claps.)

That's just brilliant, Dwight. Doesn't sound complicated at all. *lol*

The Neanthertals way of life is coming back in style.

(Three short firm grunts)

(clap, short grunt.)

Hah, great idea Dwight.
But not really realistic.
Two claps + howl-like grunt + four slow claps= ow?
Thats a bit extreme, buddy.
But its a good idea.
You can talk to me about it more,
And im willing to listen.
If you were real, you would be majorly badass.

Dwight, I'd like to hear more about this possible new language you speak of.

Also, seriously who writes these blogs? Whoever does it is doing a good job. Creed's and Dwight's blogs actually sound a lot like something they would write (if they were real people) so good job.

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