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January 17, 12:43 PM

Why I Don’t Trust the Craftsmanship of Swedes

I wish a pleasant January to you all. January is usually the month where Schrute Farms undergoes many of its reconstruction projects. During our recent transition into an eco-tourist destination, we opened our farm and its themed-rooms to tourists of all types. This has led to problems. While dealing with the needs of our varied guests, I no longer have time to begin the reconstruction efforts the farm so badly needs. My cousin Mose doesn’t have the initiative to start the projects on his own (although he is quite a diligent worker when told exactly what to do), so until I can get some free time, the farm will remain unkempt.

Additionally, the guests that we have hosted have not treated our belongings with the respect that we Schrutes give to our possessions. The night table constructed by my Great Uncle Gernot has been chipped and scratched as if it were a common scratching post. My familiar dining table has had beet jelly spilled upon it several times and, as everyone knows, beet jelly leaves stains that are entirely irremovable. After discussing the situation with various co-workers, it was suggested that I visit the massive furniture store run by Swedish people (In an effort to not slander nor promote any corporations in this weblog, I will refrain from naming with Swedish furniture store I patronized. Let’s just say that it was a bad “IDEA” that I shopped there).

After driving quite a ways to get there, I found the enormous monstrosity of a store. At first, I was worried that I had mistakenly driven to some massive indoor stadium. Unfortunately, this turned out to be my destination. Once inside, I was comforted by the abundance of umlauts in the signage but that’s where my comfort ended. The store was filled with shoddy items constructed of shoddy materials. Of course the prices are low – how much could they really charge for compressed sawdust?

While sampling their meatballs (surprisingly delicious, but not worthy of comparison to Grandma Mannheim’s fleischklops), I persuaded myself to buy one of the Swede’s night tables as a replacement for Great Uncle Gernot’s fine oak table. I just couldn’t imagine letting that table endure one more night of abuse by irresponsible travelers. The replacement table cost twenty-five dollars. It was made out of pine. Pine. For twenty-five dollars, I expect a lease for a small plot of land in a pine forest. Instead, I received eleven pieces of unfinished wood. Perhaps they would have liked to spit in my face as well.

When I got the table home, I set Mose to work assembling it. He completed the assembly in just under three minutes. I remember Mose making a similar table out of forest lumber when he was seven – as a joke. While we all laughed heartily then, except for Mose who was shunned for a week for participating in humor, nobody at Schrute Farms was laughing this time. Mose cried when he finished the construction. I don’t know if it was because of the poor materials and ridiculous tool he had to use or the memory of his long-forgotten forest lumber joke, but either way there were tears running down his bearded face and it breaks my heart to see that. It equally breaks my heart to have a piece of furniture in my home that is made of such a quality as that Swedish bedside table.

I smashed that table to pieces immediately. I couldn’t stand looking at it for one more second. From that day forward, I swore that I would never allow another piece of second-rate Swedish furniture into my home ever again.

Anything that makes Mose cry will henceforth be banished from Schrute Farms. Do not trifle with a Schrute. Ever.

That is all.

D. K. Schrute

COMMENTS

Greetings to HOLIDAY REINHORN from Iowa pal Dave Callan. Hope all is weell.

Dave Callan
16 Eldridge Street, Apt. 14H
Manchester, CT 06040
860-647-6911

Might I suggest a nice Mahogany table or perhaps something sturdy from Germany?

Dear Dwight,

Are you stupid enough to spend money at a table you know from the beginning is of inferior quality? I - for one, did not expect this. Not from you. However we Swedes laugh at your foolishness now, for you have only made us richer.

I laugh at you and feel sorry for Mose. Good luck with the reconstruction and by the way, I've got an idea, why not use place mats to protect your table?
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40098641

This really captured the experience of an "IDEA" store right down to the meatballs and crying.

Dear Dwight,
I know we have had our tussles in the past, I mean with me forgetting to use a coaster and you running over my pet Chihuahua, but I do think this attack on a quality Swedish furniture manufacturer and seller of quality Swedish goods in foreign countries is uncalled for. No this Swedish store has made life easier for millions of people by crushing the competition with its low prices and quality furniture. How can you be so hostile towards a country which was brought you ABBA, Volvo and it's smaller cousin SAAB, Seatbelts, nude saunas, Swedish meatballs and countless numbers of adult entertainment videos and death metal bands?!?
You may say that I am just sympathetic because 90% of the furniture in my house is from IKEA, or because I am born in Sweden but I believe my view is completely unbiased. Summing up I think you should apologise to the bed side table and let’s not let this feud get in the way of our relationship.

Sincerely
Al-B
The Swedish Rapper

Hey Dwight. I mean Rainn. I mean Dwight.

Did you get my email?

-Beth

I agree with Dwight. The Merfolk of Sweden will always live in infamy in my heart. And for good reason. My former dwelling happened to be surrounded by Swedish inhabitants. They would sit on their patio in velvet smoking jackets and would corrupt the retinas of any normal person by appearing at the community pool in effete Speedo-type swimwear. They would then have raucous ABBA listening parties with women of an ill favored look, practically human ash-trays in $5 platinum blonde wigs. If you were to take a brisk morning walk the next morning, you would eventually find yourself skating home on puddles of the "sick" that they hocked up only hours before on the sidewalk outside. Swedish cratsmanship? No thank you, unless you want a pressboard coffee table that was probably occupied by nude Swedish buttocks the day before. Dwight, will you come to my birthday party?

The writers may end the strike soon! YES!!! I miss the Office so much! Let's hope it will be back on the air ASAP!!

I miss Dwight. and Michael. and Jim/Pam. and Toby! I NEED NEW EPS OF THE OFFICE. or I'll have nothing to do but study, eat, sleep, and have the occasional outing.

eco-tourism? i thought it was AGRO-tourism

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g52842-d730099-Reviews-Schrute_Farms-Honesdale_Pennsylvania.html

Those damn Swedes! The only Scandinavians I hate more are the Danes, who ruthlessly oppressed my people, the Icelanders, for hundreds of years. But back to the ethnic bashing at hand: Who includes the color of urine in their national flag? Honestly!

hmmm, maybe swedes should try suede...

Dear my long lost cousins Dwight and Mose,

It has been far to long for us to be estranged. I know that any of us could be doing shooters off of the coffin of our grom-mutter during the wake, snd lster say things that they may regret.

Ok.. I regret then,
Are you happy Dwight?

In any case, I believe Grampa Shrutes farm was supposed to be left to all the grandchildren, which leave me to some swkwardness.

I own at least 1/3 of Shrute fsrms. You can expect to hear from my lawyers any day.

Cordiallu
Your cousin
Inga

I agree with the poster above. I MISS THE OFFICE!!

I miss Dwight K. Schrute. Dude, Angela is pregnant! We have to know if it's YOURS or ANDY's.

Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

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