September 27, 08:50 PM

Time Encapsulated

Hello internetizens. I have returned from my web logging hiatus. You may be asking yourself, “what happened to Dwight all summer?” Shut up. It’s none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean “a gift.” This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).

This weekend, while my cousin Mose was aerating the soil in the East Field, he came upon a metal box labeled “For Dwight. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2005.” Luckily, Mose is not nosey and brought it to me unopened right away.

As it turns out, the box was a time capsule that I had left for myself in 1985. It was quite interesting to see what 1985 Dwight had left for 2005 Dwight, even though 2005 Dwight forgot it was there and had to be reminded by 2007 Mose two years later.

These are the contents of 1985 Dwight’s Time Capsule:

1. A dehydrated beet sculpture of myself holding a very small metal box meant to represent a miniature version of the time capsule. I was very much into beet miniatures when I was teenager. I did not, however, know my “BeetDwight” would shrivel into dehydration. That occurred because of science, not intention.

2. A friendship bracelet. They were all the rage amongst agricultural teenagers in 1985. I was susceptible to fads back then. This has since been corrected.

3. Half of a Twix Bar. It must have fallen in.

4. A letter to myself. It said: “Hello Dwight. If you’re reading this, then you are not dead. Good. If you are not Dwight and you are reading this, be aware that this letter is cursed and the ghost of me will haunt you forever. Dokken Rules. Dwight.”

5. A letter to my wife. This is a sensitive subject as I am unmarried and have obviously disappointed my former self.

6. The carcass of a vole. At first I thought it had either fallen in or been trapped while attempting to retrieve the Twix bar. After careful thought, however, I remembered that this was the skeleton of my neighbor’s pet. I despised him and kidnapped one of his voles. Unfortunately, the vole perished before I could return her, so I threw her into the time capsule so there would be no evidence. This serves as my confession. If any authorities are reading this, I willingly accept any punishment bestowed upon me, although I believe the statute of limitations on vole manslaughter has run out.

This “blast from the past” has cast an interesting shadow over my week. It has provided cause for great self-reflection. In truth, however, I am proud of who I have become and regret nothing. Now I must make a time capsule for 2025 Dwight. I hope he is alive when he opens it. And married. And running a large paper company. And a beet magnate or mogul, whichever is most powerful in 2025. Additionally, I hope he has created a way to keep miniature beet sculptures hydrated over long periods of time, thus making himself very rich yet unburdened by the pressures of being overly wealthy.

That is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
2007 Version

COMMENTS

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Sorry. I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming. suddenly you find - at the age of 50, say - that a whole new life has opened before you. Help me! It has to find sites on the: Jobs in de buurt. I found only this - frontline healthcare burnout. New york - cambridge university press. Apply for a bad credit car loan today. THX :-), Rick from Finland.

D1Dwgy

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dear dwight
marry angelia. you guys are the best couple. i heart you much. thanks for always making me smile when i see you on the office.

I was playing Urban Dead (a browser based zombie game) and came upon a character named Dwide Schrude. Now I know this is almost certainly a homage name, but is it maybe by some sick twist of fate actually you?

I received your comment on my blog. And your email. And the letter you sent via the United States postal service.

I don't have any clients who are in the market for a new paper supplier. Sorry, mate.

I do, though, believe we can do something selling the picked beets through an online store.

Cheers!

Hi Rainn,

I don't know how to contact you but I saw that you once went to my University (UW) and were born in Seattle. Any chance we could get you to come back and speak? I know you're busy but your hometown needs you man, we would love to have you.

Think about it.... :)

Now I must patent beet sculpture hydration before 2025 Dwight does. Future Schrute will never know what hit him.

dwight, are you aware that I did a speed painting of you? It's hugely huge on YouTube - a million times better than a bobblehead!

check it out on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6OelFAnAbw

i think I really captured your animal charisma.

Dear Dwight,
Fact: You should be happy to be rid of that blonde bimbo Angela. She is not worth it. Question: Does she care about your beet farm? Fact: No, no she does not. Question: Do I care about your beet farm? FACT: Absolutely I do.

You and I should get together. :) Think about it, and get back to me.

Love,
LeeLee

Hello Dwight
i love the office
i am going to throw tomatoes at u (someone told me to comment n say that???)
love ellie

Maybe the Twix bar had simply "fallen in"... or maybe you put it in there to preserve the DNA from your saliva in case cloning technology was available.
Think about it.

omg, dwight u are hilarious! i love u. i think angela wants to break up with u though. she's kinda dropping hints....

Dwight 2007 is just plain goofy... Way to go Dwight!

Dwight, you a pretty darn amazing.
I'm sorry things aren't going to well with Angela though. But don't I'm sure she'll finally come to her senses...(of course you'll have to apologize for killing poor Sprinkles).

Way to go Moses!!

Question - Who would win in a fight, 1985 Dwight or 2005 Dwight? Or would 2007 Dwight take both of them on at the same time?

Q. Which is better a black bear or a grizzly bear.

Fact: Grizzly's are bigger, but black bears can climb, giving them the element of suprise and higher ground. It is of much debate.

A: This is not a valid question because they are both bears, making them fearsome and powerful.

Q. Which is better a black bear or a grizzly bear.
A._____________________________

what did the letter to your wife say? i know it's a sensitive subject but it helps to talk about it.

When will you be setting up a website for Schrute Farms? Beet sculptures sound like they'd bring you alot of traffic.

When you get a chance check this out. I think you'll dig the collection of pictures of Angela I've picked up!

Rock on Dwight!!! (Notice the exclamation points? I mean it.)

Dwight, you are a fucking dumbass. Michael Scott rulez!!!

Oh my.. well, if you keep on freezing live cats, future Dwight will continue to disappoint 1985 Dwight, if you catch my drift, good sir.

Hi Dwight! Love your new blog! Hope you had a great summer. :)

oh my gosh! I always wanted to do a time capsule...I only wish I could be as creative as you have been with yours. I love how 2007 Dwight has still got goals and races to finish...sorry about Angela's cat...but then... I am not sure how I feel about what you did to it...it never had a chance to make a time capsule...you cheated her of that!

Dwight,

You are the cat's meow and bring cryogenics and the frozen zoo to a brand new level with your cool moves for Angela.

Dude, don't get down on yourself for not getting married. You've got 99 problems, and, well, you know the rest.

Plus, I mean, look at your options: Kelly, Meredith, and Oscar(?) are the only untaken folks you work with and trust me when I say that you don't want to get into all of that. And Angela? I bet she's stiff as a board in bed, am I right?

Plus, think about it: if you marry, you will have to divide all of your crap in two! Think about the farm - you don't want some two-bit hussie harvesting half of YOUR beets, do you?

This is my first time reading your blog Mr. Schrute, and I am already intrigued.

I look forward to what future Dwight holds for all of humanity and beyond.

You killed Angela's cat and your neighbor's vole! You're a pet killer. But at least you didn't hit a person with your car. There's hope for marriage yet...just hang in there.

Man, Angela is hot. too bad for her cat.

i love you dwight (rainn). you make me laugh every single time i see you in the office and on snl you were pretty hilarious too. you = greatness. i just have one question: may i join the Dwight Schrute Army of Champions?

in a world saturated with clogged arteries blocking the free flow of oxygen needed to allow a clear head for rational thinking and thought,it's nice to know theres a Dwight in some form or fashion in each and every office quick to cast out irrational thought and ready to react to inner office turmoil by standing clear and true to his bosses side only to gain and encapsulate the whole spectrum of wisdom which he will one day use to his advantage thus the sayin"the student is now the master".....rock on dwight!

hahaha that was awesome ... ZOOLTAN! !!

Welcome back from your Summer hiatus!

See ya tonight...

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