nbc.com

May 10, 06:02 PM

When Ninjas Attack!

Every year, when spring comes, my mind goes to one place and one place only, Ninjas.

Every time you read about Ninja’s attacking somebody or assassinating some public figure, it seems to happen in the spring. I’m not sure why, it’s just the way it is.

Maybe it’s the fact that the spring is traditionally the new year in most pagan religions. It is also the Persian festival, “Naw Ruz” or “New Year”.

Whether it is a throwing star to the neck at a bowling alley, a poison spike that sails through an open window and lodges itself in the fleshy part of the leg, or a mysterious black-clad figure with a bo staff, perched up on the ceiling of your garage as you pull in your car from your awesome job, ninja attacks can and will happen anywhere and anytime.

And they happen to the best people too. Just ask my cousin Heindl. She has lost 12% hearing in her left ear from one.

Things to remember:

Be alert. Everybody loves a lert. (Ziggy joke)

Check ceilings first, when doing your safety inspections, that’s where they like to ‘hang’.

The best defense against a ‘shuriken’ or throwing star is a good offense. Also, armor.

You will never beat a ninja at a sword fight, one on one. When the Ninja draws his sword, fire your taser ™. A well placed taser ™ will take out even the most deadly of ninjas.

Show them that you know they’re there. Shout out, when entering a new locale or a suspicious locale, “I know you’re there, Mr. Ninja. Your element of surprise has now been taken away” [I’ve gotten many ‘funny’ looks for this kind of preparedness, but so be it. That is a risk I’m willing to take. Are YOU!?]

But most importantly, remember that a Ninja is only trying to kill you if someone has hired that ninja to do so. So for every ass-kicking Ninja trying to take someone out there is some alienated girlfriend, some enemy rival at the workplace or some Japanese feudal lord who has paid that Ninja to kill. Or worse.

I hope this web log has made your spring a more beautiful and restful time. That was the author’s intent. Also, fear.

Dwight Kurt Schrute, Assistant Regional manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper
Chairman and Founder, Lackawanna County Ninja Preparedness Council

COMMENTS

i love the site design

http://www.lessterms.com

when they attac k, i attach back.

Nbc, rules!

haha - You rock "Dwight". hey could fight a ninja, if you had a relative who was a ninja?

Oh,my god. Thank you, Dwight. I was wondering when someone would bring that up. I almost got killed last time I encountered a ninja and it was because I didn't have any preparation to defend myself from it.

And now I do, thanks to you, D. Thank you and Kudos for giving hints on how to be prepared..lol. :)

Everybody go to http://www.dundermifflininfinity.com and sign up to work for DM Online!

Everyone on OfficeTally should go to AZ - Flagstaff branch and use the regional manager code: tngobs4k85

Let's be the best branch ever!

Dwight,

Question. Which is better, the Apprentice or Smallville?

Fact. I know you are excited for the showdown between Clark Kent and Bizarro (good and evil, duh) later this month. I think you need to tell Jim about the quality of this show. Good vs Evil > the Combover.

Ninjas scare me and beets make me vomit a little in my mouth but I do love your repetitious use of the word "also". I think you're great.

Also, Jim.

Dwight, I would like to thank you for standing up for all that is good in this world. If it weren't for you I don't know how I would get through the day sometimes.

Dwight,

I would like to personally invite you to join our soap box derby team, The Good, The Bad, and The Nerdy. We are a group of engineers and engineering students that race an oversized calculator across the country at Red Bull Soap Box Derby events as well as others in the future. I think you would be a perfect addition to our team, I mean, you're probably pretty handy with a calculator, right? Please stop by and check out our website, we'd love to have you on board.

YES! I now know why a guy (who is obsessed with The Office) claims he's a ninja! The scary thing is that my dad got beets after I told him all about the Schrute-Family Beet Farm...Anyways, The Office rulez and you rock! You make the show...without you it wouldn't be as funny.

Dear Assistant Regional Manager Schrute,

I am writing from your old alma mater, the UW, because we are overwhelmed with ninjas and require your immediate assistance. Sadly, the combined forces of the Association of Northwestern Pirates (AANP) and the Allied Sentient Robot Force (ASRF) were not enough to halt the ninjas (http://www.thedaily.washington.edu/article/2007/5/10/piratesNinjasAndRobotsToEngageInBattleThisWeek). I would like to interview you for The Daily as a why of emboldening the wavering hearts of your beloved Huskies, now ruled without mercy by the ninjas. Help us Dwight-Ken-Obi! You are last hope!

-Will Mari
wtm2@u.washington.edu

*end transmission*

Dwight! You should check out
http://www.newgroper.com

It has a blog by Keifer Sutherland!

http://www.newsgroper.com/kiefer-sutherland/

You could find the secret to his great prowess!

I know you'd like that.

Go ninjas!

Should we ask a ninja about this http://www.askaninja.com/ ?

umm... I'm a parttime ninja, and I don't like the fact that you're posting this. please delete it.... immediately. as in ... like Now

I arranged a stapler-in-jello prank at my office too. Check it out:
http://room404.net/?p=11702

My secret is out . Now i must know how to hide my ultra ninja physique from the common stranger.

Dwight,

I yelled "I know you're there, Mr. Ninja" as I walked to my car in a darkened Scranton parking garage. I ended up in cuffs because police thought I had been drinking. What advice can you offer to prevent this from happening again?

Dear Dwight:

Question: Would it be grammatically correct to say 'ninjas'? Because ninja is a word of Japanese origin, a language in which there are no grammatical numbers, I wonder whether it would be correct to use 'ninja' as the plural of 'ninja' and specify a quantity, instead of using the word 'ninjas'.

-Samn "People are Stalking Me" Chakerian
[undisclosed location]

My secret is out . Now i must know how to hide my ultra ninja physique from the common stranger.

Thanks for the tips Dwight...I think my wife is a secret Ninja...These tip s will come in handy around the house.

Will you be my Naw Ruz ninja? :)

Ninjas are out there.
www.realultimatepower.net

They can also be found in libraries around the world.

If you would like to learn more, you must stop. Because My Filing Technique is Unstoppable. (not to brag that My Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable)
www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/filing.html
no1s.wordpress.com/2006/08/31/my-filing-technique-is-unstoppable/

Ninjas are on the loose. Check this out:
http://www.mndaily.com/loadAV.php?mult_id=244

4r275dw3qfhat [URL=http://www.405513.com/610824.html] z77shkqwadf [/URL] sy1l7v38ovtg5fih

1eauqfrup7azcddgf http://www.584028.com/580453.html 4utjuj1f7huul

Where's that disciplinary review, Dwight?!

Hey Dwight,

Thanks for the heads up. I fear the impending danger that ninjas represent(at all times) occasionally, as well.

It isn't very often that you come into contact with a gentleman (I would like to think so at least) who has the same sense of danger that I feel. Again, thanks for the heads up...and may god have mercy. Too bad the only thing that can defeat "god" are ninjas. Paradox?

Also, typhoid. Farewell.

Kris Mansour
Editor-In-Chief ADayInReview.com

http://www.wpbf.com/news/13284399/detail.html

From the Orlando news:

ORLANDO, Fla. -- A man dressed like a ninja broke into an Orlando home, smashed furniture, attacked two people and then vanished without a trace.

Three people were inside the home watching a movie Sunday afternoon when the ninja ran in, punched one man in the mouth and then kicked another man.

The victims -- who did not want to be identified -- reported that the costumed man slammed the DVD player and VCR into a dresser. Then he pulled out a knife and started waiving it around. The victims said the intruder didn't steal anything from the house but took several pictures with his cell phone camera.

When it was time for the ninja to make his escape, he didn't disappear in a cloud of smoke. The victims said the man ran down the street to a black BMW and drove off.

Freak.

Dear Dwight,

Questions: In light of the fact that you were recently disarmed by the removal of your hidden weapons, in what manner will you defend yourself against assailants in the future? Have you mastered ninjutsu yet? A yellow belt in karate will not cut it, you need to be prepared, this is not the season to sit back on your laurels as ninja's hide in the shadows, waiting to attack.

Facts: Ninja literally means "one skilled in the art of stealth." Ninjutsu means "enduring all of life's hardships."

Will you endure?

Grow beets for borscht!

ya know, i have found that lerks are widely overrated. everytime i try to talk to one, they just throw something at me or punch me in the face. what is with that? are they like cousins to ninjas or something?

you falling on the hot coals was probably the funniest moment in televison history. it is only second to the survivor episode where the gay nudist, richard, bumped into the trucker lady with his package. by package i mean genitals and other male reproductive organs. the penis, for example

being a ninja in spring and summer seems like it would be tough. covered from head to toe in black cloth. both tough and intimidating.

Is this guy serious? Does he actually believe in ninjas? I mean, ninjas are only in movies and TV commercials. They are NOT real. Right? Right, guys?

I am currently a Ninja in training. Please do not share this info with anyone.

You have more information than most citizens can aquire through casual means. I suspect that you too, are an undercover Ninja.

Assistant Regional manager??? Dunder-Mifflin Paper
Chairman and Founder???

Interesting.

This information is critical to us, especially now that spring has sprung mother nature's deadliest season.

I can not stand ninja's thanks for the info Dwight!

Amanda - FACT: Ninjas are not full time. one must approach a ninja when he or she is not on a mission. Also you will need money. And rice.

Question: How does one go about hiring a ninja? They do not seem approachable.

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