I went over to Nay Aug Park the other day at around 4am and even the geese were still asleep when I got there. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s been a dream of mine for years to see how far I could throw a goose and this was the perfect opportunity. I’ve definitely learned that you’ve got to strike fast when dealing with sleeping animals because the element of surprise is your biggest weapon. That old wives’ tale about letting sleeping dogs lie only applies if you don’t have a plan for after you wake up the dog. With geese, it’s the same story. You wake up a goose just for the fun of it, you’ll get pecked like no tomorrow. Their beaks are painful, man. You don’t want to find out first hand.

You might not have a scooter. You might have a car: the more “traditional” vehicle to take to a car wash. I’m a proud scooter owner and as a proud scooter owner, I like to keep my scooter clean. After all, dirt really shows up on red plastic, you know? So once every month or so in the summer, I take a trip to the place on Moosic and get my wheels all soaped up.

It’s hard to describe the feeling I get at the car wash without sounding dirty (not that that’s ever stopped me before), but I’ll try. It feels a little bit like I’m in the hospital getting a sponge bath from some real foxy nurses. Replace hospital with car wash and real foxy nurses with real burly joes and that’s pretty much what the experience is like. I love to see them get down and dirty with my little scooter. Wipe it down and rinse it off and put so much care into the job. When it comes out of there all gleaming and clean, I feel like I need a smoke.

Look, I’m not a real extravagant guy. I pick fights with extravagant guys. But the car wash is the one place where I can throw down eight bucks once a month and feel like a king. A fella’s got to feel pampered once in a while, you know?

You may have missed America Day this year because it’s not really well-advertised. It takes place on June 20th and it is a sight to behold. America Day was created by a friend of mine named Samuel Che Emanuel. He’s rail-thin with a haircut that looks oddly as if a woman had her hair cut short like a man. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a feminine masculine haircut, if that makes sense to anyone. He’s a real sparkplug of a guy. Grew up in the wilderness of Colorado with a pet bear. It was a midget bear, so he didn’t have to worry about it eating him or anything. His parents were trappers and lived “off the grid” so to speak, so wildlife pets were nothing new to him.

Anyway, one day, Sammy Che (as we call him) was walking with Midgy (as he called his bear) and stumbled upon a rock formation that looked like an eagle soaring through the air with a flag waving behind it. I’m guessing that Sammy Che was tripping pretty hard that day, so who knows what the rock formation actually looked like. All we know is that Sammy Che returned home and declared that day America Day. When I first met Sammy Che, it was the 20th anniversary of America Day and he showed me how the day is properly celebrated.

In my opinion, every job should have a uniform. Fast-food workers, gas station attendants, exterminators, these guys all have it covered already. I’m pushing for the jobs that make you waste time every morning decided what to wear. Take my job, for instance. I know I’m not allowed to wear shorts, because every time I do, I get yelled at. I also can’t wear vests without shirts underneath. So I’m locked into wearing a certain combination of clothing every day, but there are just too many choices. If it were up to me, I’d implement an office worker uniform so you could just wake up every morning, go to your uniform closet, and three seconds later you’re all set.

My uniform would consist of three items and three items only.

1. Navy blue sweatpants. These are the first item because they’re the most important. When I go home, the first thing I do is put on navy blue sweatpants. You can’t find a more comfortable piece of clothing. The color is great because you can spill all you want and nobody’s the wiser. All in all, if the uniform doesn’t include navy blue sweatpants, I don’t want the job.

2. A vest. No shirt required. Vests are amazing inventions. They cover up your nipples (which society has decided are unacceptable to see, for some reason) and they’re classy. You want to class up a joint? Throw on a vest. You want to add some more class? Make sure that vest is leather.

3. Comfy slippers. Right after I change into my navy blue sweatpants, I slide on my sheepskin-lined slippers. Talk about comfort! These little puppies make it feel like you’re walking on a field of soft paralyzed sheep – I say paralyzed only so you don’t picture the sheep as moving. If I could wear slippers to work every day, I’d probably start caring about my job.

These three items could change the workplace as we know it. I’m serious, America. Just think about how much more productive we would be as a country if all office-workers wore navy blue sweatpants, vests without shirts, and comfy slippers. We’d be a comfortably dressed productivity superpower, and honestly, isn’t that what all this fighting is about anyway?

I can cut a rug in the sense that I can dance like a mofo. Ever since I was little, I’ve had rhythm in me. Everyone used to call me Lil’ Josephine Baker because I liked to shake it everywhere I went, plus I once made a skirt out of bananas. My favorite place to hoof it was the market. One time, I was dancing up a storm in the produce section and I knocked into a huge display of apples. Those Red Delicious came tumbling down, but that didn’t stop little Creedy. No sir. I just kept on twirling and juking and the apples became my dance floor. When I was finished, the whole store applauded, except for the manager, who called the police.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, especially because my horn is pretty dusty and might make everyone sick if I tooted it, but I’m pretty sure I invented break dancing. I used to have my neighbor bang out a beat on his kick drum while I tried to spin around on my back. At the time, I did it to get dizzy. In retrospect, it’s pretty clear to me that I was inventing a new style of dance.

I’ve got a pair of dancing shoes that are made out of magic. They’ve got a black and white checker pattern on them and I bought them from a Serbian flutist who needed some cash to get his flute out of hock. From the minute I put them on, I felt like my feet had a mind of their own. They just tap-tap-tap to their own beat and I do my best to keep up. For a while, I thought the guy put Mexican jumping beans in the heels, but I checked and there aren’t any beans in those shoes. Not unless I decide to put them there and, as of right now, I have no interest in doing so.

The only place I won’t dance for fun is on people’s graves. I dance on people’s graves for disrespect purposes only and nothing more.

I believe the children are our future. Specifically Chinese children.

Gambling for money is fun, but gambling for livestock is so much better. If you end up winning, you get the satisfaction of victory and a ride home.

I like to tell time using the sun. If it’s sunny, then it’s time for work. If it’s dark, then it’s time to make money.

Globes are great for hiding stuff. Nobody ever bothers to look inside a globe, and if they do, they’re probably really weak anyway, so you can just beat them up and run away.

Never talk to men with red hair. They live by different rules than you or I. There’s a reason all the famous clowns have red hair and it’s not because red is a friendly hair color.

I’ve been running a lot lately and I’m getting into really good shape. Of course, it really helps that I’m carrying a lot of loot while I run.

When I’m in a new situation, I tell everyone it’s my birthday. People really treat you better when they think it’s your birthday, whether they know you or not.

I hate waiting. It drives me nutso. If I’m at a drive-thru window and it’s taking too long to get my food, I’ll just get out of my car and go for a walk for half an hour. When I get back, I’m much calmer and the fast food joint gets an important message about wasting people’s time.

I carry a salt shaker in my pocket because you never know when you’ll need to teach a slug a lesson.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 86-7-53-09

Honestly, if I didn’t have to smell it myself, I’d be happy about it. Gas is a powerful weapon. You want some space to yourself? Unload a popper and those seats next to you clear out real fast. You want a day off of work? Start a little seat orchestra and you’ll be sent home in no time. I wish I were back in my twenties when I couldn’t smell anything because then I’d have some fun with these stinkbombs. Sadly, every time I let one go, I’m my own first victim.

I end up being victim to myself a lot. That’s what happens when you do a lot of home chemical mixing. It started out as a hobby, but I’ve really stepped up my game in the last few years. I’m trying to find a chemical cure for wrinkles, but it’s not going so well. I have, however, invented quite a few potions for giving yourself rashes. When rashes come back into “vogue,” I’ll be the king of the rash world.

Rash World sounds like a really fun theme park, don’t you think? I’d visit, as long as the admission price wasn’t too high. I wonder if they have funnel cakes at Rash World. Funnel cakes are incredible. They’re my favorite fried batter-based cake.

Other types of cakes that I enjoy: snack cakes, birthday cakes, coffee cakes, tea cakes, ice cream cakes, urinal cakes, erotic cakes, layer cakes, hot cakes, and wedding cakes. Cakes that I do not enjoy: cupcakes. Why waste my time on a cupcake when I can get the real deal? Cupcakes should only be eaten in times of war or famine. Or when they’re filled with cream. That’s it.

That’s my ode to the shorties. They deserve it. Keep reaching for the sky, short girls, and if you can’t reach it, I’ll lift you up.

Let me tell you, that stuff is amazing. They’re half the price of the Bull and they get my heart going even faster. It’s incredible. I drink a whole mess of them at lunchtime and then I’m awake until the sun comes up. It really helps me get through the workday and then my real workday, which starts at around 10pm. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get, but it’s like someone hooked up a battery to my body and it’s in charge of making my blood flow, but the dial that controls the speed got messed up and it’s stuck on “super fast.” That’s exactly what it feels like. That, or stepping on an exposed wire at a construction site where you’re trying to scam some copper late at night. I know what that feels like and VivaMaxxPlus is pretty similar.

I decided I have to limit myself to three or four a day or else I’m going to get in some real trouble. Any more than that and I get pretty aggressive. Last week, I drank five cans of the sauce and when this new lady started questioning me about what I did at work, I freaked out. I started imagining me and her on a go-kart track, but she didn’t have a go-kart and my go-kart had all kinds of James Bond spy weapons on it. Right when I started picturing myself shooting her with my dashboard missiles, I realized I needed to take it down a notch. I’m not a violent person, but there’s something in that VivaMaxxPlus that makes me craaaaaaazy.

I wonder if they sell a decaf version…

That’s why I’m proud to announce the arrival of my new fragrance, “CreedScents.” It’s a mixture of my favorite smells: gasoline, three-day-old cigarettes, cash money, pineapple, bleach, and dirt. It smells awesome. When you walk around, people stop and look at you as if to say “Is that you that I’m smelling?” Well, folks, yes it is, and now, for the first time ever, you can smell like me, too. I’m personally bottling it in 100% recycled water bottles that still have their original labels. Just hook up a little squirt attachment to the top (sold separately) and spray away! You can smell like Creed! Your pet can smell like Creed! Your home can smell like Creed! Your car can smell like Creed! Even your kids can smell like Creed! Buy some CreedScents now!

Just a little legal disclaimer: Don’t drink CreedScents. Don’t use CreedScents as a cleaning liquid. CreedScents is not intended to touch the human skin. If your skin comes into contact with CreedScents, immediately scrub the infected area for roughly one hour or else your skin may begin to melt. CreedScents should not be inhaled. Once in the bloodstream, CreedScents can do serious damage to both your brain and most of your major organs. CreedScents should not be used as a narcotic, although it functions as one if distilled into a gel-cap. Please do not distill CreedScents into gel-caps, as the narcotic it becomes is equivalent to a lethal combination of absinthe, lithium, and hemlock. You may get high for a minute, but you’ll be dead forever. By purchasing CreedScents, you agree to release me, Creed Bratton, from any legal action whatsoever. Also, any problems not mentioned here that arise from the use of CreedScents shall be deemed “implied risks” and cannot be used against me, Creed Bratton, in any type of lawsuit.

Stop sitting on your fat ass and buy some CreedScents today!

The first thing I did when we got sent home was head straight over to the mall for some orange chicken at the Lotus place. That stuff is dynamite. I could eat a shopping cart full of it. Sadly, they don’t sell it by the shopping cart, no matter how often I ask them to, so I settled for a combo meal. There were a few high school kids in the food court, so I tried to drum up some new customers for my novelty identification and lamination business. They weren’t interested. Apparently there’s some punk over at Scranton Prep who does a really good Delaware now. Even better than my Georgia. I’m going to track that kid down and have a “talk” with him. When it comes to novelty identification and lamination, I need to be the only game in town.

After the mall, I was pretty riled up, so I headed over to that “Just Paint It” place where you can paint your own pottery. That place is like a zen garden to me. I just sit down, grab a small ceramic elephant and go to town. I can zone out for two, three hours painting that thing. The best part about it is that when I’m done, I get to take it with me. You’d be surprised how much you can get for an orange and green elephant when you tell people it’s imported from Indonesia.

I spent the rest of the night over at the grocery store sampling the candy in the bulk bins. They didn’t even hassle me about it. Not that I really keep track, but that may have been my best day ever.

Doggy rides were one of my favorite childhood pastimes. Pony rides and elephant rides seem to be the most popular form of animal rides, but doggy rides are a lot more fun. They’re like those mini-motorcycles that crazy idiots buy these days. With a doggy ride, you never know where you’re going to end up: The dogs might take off like jack-rabbits when they see something or the dogs could just plop down and take a rest. We used to call those Sitsies. You could never get a refund for a Sitsie, but you’d always get a rain check.

My first step in dog ownership is training. I’ve already trained my pooch to relax, bark at the doorbell, and drink water. Pretty soon we’re going to work on pee in the house and growl. She’s super smart, so she’s been picking everything up so quickly. I really want to teach her to give me haircuts, but I’ve had bad luck giving animals hair clippers recently.

Picking a name is the most important part of getting a new dog. With a girl dog, you’ve got a few ways to go. You can call her a traditional feminine name, like Molly or Annabelle, you can name her something that relates to the way she looks like Blackhead or Furry Paws, or you can name her based on something you really like. That’s why I’m calling my dog “Hot.” I love hot dogs. Always have, even in my vegetarian days. Now that I have my own little hot dog running around with me, I’ll be constantly reminded of her sausage-y goodness. If you see Hot and me taking a stroll, come on over and say hi, but watch out. I’m in the middle of training her to bite strangers.

1. Nail clippers. I don’t know about you, but my nails grow crazy fast. That’s not even why I carry the clippers, though. Clippers are great when you need to cut something, like a wire or a chain, and you don’t want to be seen carrying something bigger. Sure, they’re not the strongest things in the world, but trust me, they get the job done. Not only that, but they provide a great cover for anything you’re doing. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re trying to get in somewhere you’re not supposed to be and, all of a sudden, some fatso security guard comes walking through. Do you freak out? No way. You just pull out your clippers and start clipping your nails. Who are you? Just a normal guy trying to work on his personal hygiene. It’s perfect.

2. Gauze. Gauze is a great accessory. If you get hurt, put gauze on it. If you want to make people think that you’re hurt, wrap a little gauze anywhere on your body and boom – instant sympathy. Nobody ever bothers to look under gauze. Ever. If you get tired, just whip out that roll of gauze and use it as a pillow. It’s incredibly soft. I’m not even getting into its obvious uses as a bathroom helper. You know what I mean.

3. Business cards. They don’t have to say your name on them. Mine don’t. Mine say a bunch of other people’s names. I just pick up a few every time I see a stack of them somewhere. The point isn’t to tell someone who you are, it’s to tell them that you’re a professional. When you hand someone a business card, they know you mean business. That’s why they’re called business cards.

My toolkit comes in handy almost every day. I don’t go anywhere with it. Now that you know what’s in my toolkit, I’ve got to ask – what’s in your toolkit?

Now that you’re all caught up, here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for like those Paddle Off dogs who wait for the bell to get hungry: Creed and the One-Armed Yeti Pilot Part Two: The One-Armed Yeti’s Lair.