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Creed Thoughts

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November 29, 12:21 PM

Creed Thoughts


They say the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Not for the old Creedster. For me, Black Friday’s when I work out all my problems. I don’t need to waste my cash on fancy “therapists” or “court-appointed analysts.” Instead, I just suit up and get ready for battle. That’s how I celebrate the fourth Friday of every November.


This year, I didn’t even go to sleep after Thanksgiving. I was so jazzed up from the massive portion of cranberry sauce that I couldn’t stop pacing. At around 2:30am, I decided it was time to start getting ready. I wrapped my body in newspapers and Black Friday ads until I had a good enough base to know I’d be okay if anybody had a shiv. Then I started gathering my weapons. Instead of brass knuckles (which I always lose), I found these really sharp plastic spider rings that were leftover from Halloween. For poking and tripping, I grabbed a cane from one of the geezers at the soup kitchen. [SIDE NOTE: People underestimate the value of old man weapons. I’m allowed to walk around with a cane anywhere I damn well please and that cane comes in handy, let me tell you. It’s just one of those social conventions that works in favor of the elderly – same goes for early bird senior specials at restaurants.]

So after I got myself ready, I headed over to the mall. That place usually gets rocking at around five in the morning, so I made sure to be there by four to snag a good place in line. I find the toy stores to be the center of the mayhem most years, so I headed there first. All these parents were just foaming at the mouth to get their hands on the latest Cabbage Patch Elmo Pokey-Man Nintendos and I couldn’t wait to get in their way. As soon as the doors opened, I started a stampede. I’ve got old standbys that I yell out to really heat things up. “They’ve only got three left!” “Huge sale in Aisle Five!” “That jerk is taking all of them!” Nobody has any idea what I’m referring to, but they get all worked up nonetheless. Almost right away, people started shoving and pushing and where was I? Right in the middle of all the action.


I started out by poking people with my cane and scratching them with my rings and pretty soon, I didn’t care so much about sales tax or cold weather or paternity suits – all the things that stick in my craw, really. Nobody got seriously injured and all my bottled up feelings just disappeared, so it was a win-win for everyone, in my opinion.


Once I finished at the toy store, I moved on to the electronics stores where I started over from scratch and instigated a whole new riot. It felt great. I’ll tell you what -- this is shaping up to be one of the best holiday/therapy seasons of all time.


Comments (23) permalink
Posted by Creed at 12:21 PM

COMMENTS

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In addition to canes and spider rings, puffy coats matched with stuffed backpacks in crowded isles are a great way to piss off the crabby holiday shoppers!

Posted by Mia_Maurer
November 29, 2007

Man I feel ya dog i go to these early sales to get my exercise, i feel like rocky fightin for the last Xbox360 they have, it blows my mind!

Posted by CamdaManinAlabam
November 29, 2007

I hear you Creed, my man, but you have to be careful. You might be taking a first step that heads down a slippery slope towards the biggest mistake anyone could ever make – Believing the court appointed attorney when he tells you he is your “friend”.

Posted by Fred Darvis
November 29, 2007

hey man. great ideas for the holiday. I usually go with a pack of matches or something and throw them into the angry mobs of yuppies...but that's a bit obvious and "illegal." I'm gonna have to try that out this year. Also, good idea with the newspaper. You don't want to get shanked.

Posted by Kaity
November 29, 2007

I feel your pain Creed. All those mother f'ers waiting outside the stores @ 5am really pisses me off to. Dont they have anything better to do. I usually go to the parking lots the night before, and dismantle as many carts as possible. Grab some people from the shelter and show them how to make the wheels ready to fall off. Promise them a pint or two, and they will do anything!! Nothing funnier than watching shoppers with full carts - and seeing the carts fall apart. Mayhem at its best. Rape, Burn and Pillage....

Posted by NYDENNY
November 29, 2007

Creed, here is something similar to try in a mall the weekend before Christmas. I believe you can even steal the only item you'll need for this from Dunder Mifflin. (I used to routinely do this in high-school during the between-class mob scenes). Obtain a freshly-sharpened No. 2 pencil and walk with it aimed outwards towards the crowds. One poke from that daddy, and people get away from ya quickly!

Posted by Erika in Seattle
November 29, 2007

That was you who pushed me into rack of beanie babies? Man, I should have known you'd be out.

Remind me never to cross you when you've got pent up anger again.

Sheesh.

Posted by Becky
November 29, 2007

Jeez, Creed. It's time to rethink ur battle tactics. Bring a bottle of ice water and leave the cap "almost on". That'll show those bargain hunters when they mess with the Creedster!

Posted by Kitcat
November 30, 2007

Oh, Creed. You are my very favorite. You're crazy as hell and I love you.

Posted by Audra
November 30, 2007

creed i want u so bad i'm a beatiful woman with 1 tooth, and some swinging low chariots

you know u want me

Posted by tvouaux
November 30, 2007

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