November 01, 01:03 PM
If anyone knows how to get chocolate out of hair, let me know. I fell asleep on top of forty Fun Size Milky Ways last night and now I’ve got nougat everywhere. I already tried peanut butter, but that just made my hair into a different kind of candy. I’ll make you a deal: you get it out of my hair, you get to keep it.
Parents always freak out about crazy people giving their kids apples with razorblades hidden inside for Halloween. Those parents are idiots. If you’re getting a free razorblade inside your apple, you shouldn’t be complaining. And if you really want to impress me on Halloween, give me some licorice. That stuff hits the spot.