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May 08, 09:15 AM

Creed Thoughts

There was a big blow-up at work last week between the boss man and the black guy. Lots of fireworks. I think the boss man broke out his brass knuckles because I saw a lot of blood on the carpet the next day. Blood on the carpet means trouble – that’s a rule I live by. I don’t like fights at work, because it’s too many parts of my life coming together in one place. I prefer to keep fighting outside of work and my work out of fights. This fight turned out pretty well for me, though, because everyone else got sent home so they could have a private cage match.

The first thing I did when we got sent home was head straight over to the mall for some orange chicken at the Lotus place. That stuff is dynamite. I could eat a shopping cart full of it. Sadly, they don’t sell it by the shopping cart, no matter how often I ask them to, so I settled for a combo meal. There were a few high school kids in the food court, so I tried to drum up some new customers for my novelty identification and lamination business. They weren’t interested. Apparently there’s some punk over at Scranton Prep who does a really good Delaware now. Even better than my Georgia. I’m going to track that kid down and have a “talk” with him. When it comes to novelty identification and lamination, I need to be the only game in town.

After the mall, I was pretty riled up, so I headed over to that “Just Paint It” place where you can paint your own pottery. That place is like a zen garden to me. I just sit down, grab a small ceramic elephant and go to town. I can zone out for two, three hours painting that thing. The best part about it is that when I’m done, I get to take it with me. You’d be surprised how much you can get for an orange and green elephant when you tell people it’s imported from Indonesia.

I spent the rest of the night over at the grocery store sampling the candy in the bulk bins. They didn’t even hassle me about it. Not that I really keep track, but that may have been my best day ever.

May 01, 09:16 AM

Creed Thoughts

Remember when I told you about those flashbacks I was having with my old dog Bozo? Well guess what? He’s back, or rather, she’s back. I found a dog that looked just like Bozo wandering around Wilkes-Barre over the weekend by herself and I immediately snatched her up. You might think it’s cruel to snatch a dog, but I say it’s the only way. I got a real big sack with breathing holes cut all over it and then I coaxed her to walk into it by throwing about fifteen hot dogs in there. Once she was in the sack, I took her home with me and we’ve been best friends ever since. I’ve been thinking about fitting her for a saddle since she’s kind of big and I’ve been meaning to start a doggy ride business for carnivals anyway.

Doggy rides were one of my favorite childhood pastimes. Pony rides and elephant rides seem to be the most popular form of animal rides, but doggy rides are a lot more fun. They’re like those mini-motorcycles that crazy idiots buy these days. With a doggy ride, you never know where you’re going to end up: The dogs might take off like jack-rabbits when they see something or the dogs could just plop down and take a rest. We used to call those Sitsies. You could never get a refund for a Sitsie, but you’d always get a rain check.

My first step in dog ownership is training. I’ve already trained my pooch to relax, bark at the doorbell, and drink water. Pretty soon we’re going to work on pee in the house and growl. She’s super smart, so she’s been picking everything up so quickly. I really want to teach her to give me haircuts, but I’ve had bad luck giving animals hair clippers recently.

Picking a name is the most important part of getting a new dog. With a girl dog, you’ve got a few ways to go. You can call her a traditional feminine name, like Molly or Annabelle, you can name her something that relates to the way she looks like Blackhead or Furry Paws, or you can name her based on something you really like. That’s why I’m calling my dog “Hot.” I love hot dogs. Always have, even in my vegetarian days. Now that I have my own little hot dog running around with me, I’ll be constantly reminded of her sausage-y goodness. If you see Hot and me taking a stroll, come on over and say hi, but watch out. I’m in the middle of training her to bite strangers.

April 24, 09:21 AM

Creed Thoughts

A lot of blue-collar guys have toolkits to help them do their jobs. The kits got whatever tools they need to get their jobs done – hammers, screwdrivers, jaws of life, etc. As a guy that doesn’t build things or fix things, you might think that I don’t need a toolkit, but you’d be wrong. I have my own kit that I carry around with me every day and I’ve pared it down over the years to just the bare essentials.

1. Nail clippers. I don’t know about you, but my nails grow crazy fast. That’s not even why I carry the clippers, though. Clippers are great when you need to cut something, like a wire or a chain, and you don’t want to be seen carrying something bigger. Sure, they’re not the strongest things in the world, but trust me, they get the job done. Not only that, but they provide a great cover for anything you’re doing. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re trying to get in somewhere you’re not supposed to be and, all of a sudden, some fatso security guard comes walking through. Do you freak out? No way. You just pull out your clippers and start clipping your nails. Who are you? Just a normal guy trying to work on his personal hygiene. It’s perfect.

2. Gauze. Gauze is a great accessory. If you get hurt, put gauze on it. If you want to make people think that you’re hurt, wrap a little gauze anywhere on your body and boom – instant sympathy. Nobody ever bothers to look under gauze. Ever. If you get tired, just whip out that roll of gauze and use it as a pillow. It’s incredibly soft. I’m not even getting into its obvious uses as a bathroom helper. You know what I mean.

3. Business cards. They don’t have to say your name on them. Mine don’t. Mine say a bunch of other people’s names. I just pick up a few every time I see a stack of them somewhere. The point isn’t to tell someone who you are, it’s to tell them that you’re a professional. When you hand someone a business card, they know you mean business. That’s why they’re called business cards.

My toolkit comes in handy almost every day. I don’t go anywhere with it. Now that you know what’s in my toolkit, I’ve got to ask – what’s in your toolkit?

April 17, 09:23 AM

Creed Thoughts

I’m sorry to say it, but I stopped writing my yeti story. It just got to be too much of a hassle for me. I mean, I’ve already got a job. Who needs two jobs, you know? I realized that I never became an adventure writer because every time I tried, I’d get bored and the whole thing would fizzle out. In case you were wondering, young Creed was going to capture the yeti and put him in an airplane circus and become a millionaire. It made me kind of depressed just thinking about it because I should be a millionaire, but I’ve never been able to find any yetis to capture. I’ve still got time, though, I suppose.

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April 10, 12:17 PM

Creed Thoughts

So last week I shared the first part of my adventure story, Creed and the One-Armed Yeti Pilot, and I know I left you all wanting more. If you missed last week’s story, go back and catch up or else none of this will make sense to you. I’ll wait.

Now that you’re all caught up, here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for like those Paddle Off dogs who wait for the bell to get hungry: Creed and the One-Armed Yeti Pilot Part Two: The One-Armed Yeti’s Lair.

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