Captain Awesome's Tips for Being Awesome!!
Captain Awesome's New Years Resolutions
December 29, 05:44 PM
1) Be awesome. Everyone should strive for optimum awesomeness
in all situations. Remember: He who thinks he's the most awesome... isn't.
2) Help others be awesome. One of the most important things we can do is to make the world more awesome. Part of that is helping others maximize their awesomeness. For my part, I'm going to volunteer, save some lives and, oh, yeah, write a blog.
3) Don't stress over things that aren't awesome. Let's face it, we all have days that are tough. The important thing to remember is that for every day that isn't awesome, there are dozens, maybe hundreds of reasons to smile. So find something awesome about every day and focus on it. Awesome.
Happy New Year!
--Captain Awesome
Captain Awesome's Office Holiday Party Survival Guide:
December 22, 03:46 PM
Hey Everybody, it's that time of year! The time where each of us, in our place of business, is faced with that dreaded event known as the office holiday party. This year, I've put together a short list of pointers to help get you through it unscathed.
1) Avoid the Mistletoe. Undoubtedly, some joker in accounting will hide a sprig in an inconspicuous doorway, hoping to entrap Janice from accounting. The problem for you is that, if you're not paying attention, you can very easily find yourself kissing Berta, the lady from HR with a pre-cancerous mole and a drinking problem. You know how rumors spread in the office, and you don't want to be Monday morning's water cooler talk.
2) Egg Nog is a delicious treat, but it doesn't mix with driving. Or karaoke. Or dancing. Come to think of it, better stay away from the Egg Nog.
3) Candles are bad. Every year, office party planners across the country try to "class up" their holiday celebration with real, live, fire. Here is a partial list of things that can burn:
Your clothing.
Someone else's clothing.
The non-denomenational holiday shrubbery.
Berta's alcohol-laced breath.
The Mistletoe.
The tablecloth.
That big contract you just signed.
Mustaches.
Trust me. Parties and fire don't mix. If you see a candle, blow it out.
4) The Copy Machine is a Disaster Waiting to Happen: Let me be perfectly clear on this point. I have no objection to those of you deciding to make impromptu copies of body parts, but the glass tray on the photocopier was NEVER MEANT TO HOLD YOUR WEIGHT. Each December, countless victims arrive in the ER with shards of glass in their backside (or worse). If you don't want to be one of them, do yourself a favor: stay off the Xerox.
5) Enjoy yourself. The purpose of a party is to have fun. Too often, we get too wound up about office politics; about the running feud with the guys in Accounts Payable, or about trying to nab the best gift in the White Elephant exchange. The holiday party is a time to celebrate, and trust me, when people see you having fun, they'll have fun. In fact, it was at a holiday party when I met this girl Ellie and, well, you know what happened next.
Thanksgiving is Awesome!
November 26, 12:14 PM
And even though Honey and Woody can't make, I still get to spend this year's Turkey Day with family and friends. What could be better? My favorite parts of Thanksgiving, in no particular order:
Turkey: Classically roasted, thank you. Some things just don't need to be fried.
Stuffing: No question about it. The best stuffing is cooked *IN THE BIRD*. Who's with me?
Morgan Eating Mashed Potatoes: He always gets them in his beard. Boy does that little gremlin know how to enjoy a spud.
Football: Does it really matter who's playing? It's a tradition, and a perfect way to fight through the food coma and ready your self for pie.
Oh, and Pie: Warm pumpkin with real whipped cream? Mmmm. It might be a little gluttonous, but I'm a doctor, and once a year can't hurt. Tomorrow: sit-ups.
But best part of thanksgiving is...
Making Dinner with Ellie: Did I mention we're getting married? Spending the holidays with your betrothed -- there's nothing better (particularly when the oysters in the stuffing kick in).
How are you spending your turkey day?
Conservation is Awesome
November 19, 06:04 PM
Look, I love a good bikini as much as the next guy. But truth is, we don't the SI swimsuit issue shooting in the Arctic, so I've come up with a few tips for using fewer resources so we can all help save the planet.
1) Turn the A/C off. If it's too hot in your place, open a window. If it's still too hot, take off some clothes. It's your place. What's the harm in walking around naked every so often?
2) Drive less. Ride more. In addition to cutting down on pollution, it will make you look that much better when you're following suggestion #1.
3) When you're not using them, turn off the lights. And really, if you're with the right person, can't you have just as much fun in the dark as you can in the light? Call it "navigating by Braille."
4) Fewer video games, more hikes. Less football on TV, more football in the park. Cut down on the Internet. Look, gadgets eat power. The more entertainment you can find outside, the less energy you'll consume. Get outside. Enjoy the world. If we all do, maybe it'll be around a little longer.
And finally...
5) Save water. Shower with a friend.
How about you? What are you doing to save the world?
Vote Awesome!
November 04, 09:25 AM
Man, voting is awesome. When I was a wee little Awesome, maybe Corporal- or Private First Class Awesome, I used to think, "Heck, why should I vote? It's not like my vote is going to change anything."
Boy was I wrong.
The reason you vote is because your vote *does* matter. We live in a country run BY THE PEOPLEº. I mean, sure, America is a REPUBLIC, not a Democracy like everyone says, but it's still REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT!
The reason we vote is to have our voices heard. You might be a little Awesome, a little Chuck, or heck, even a little Morgan. But if all the little Morgans of the world get out there and vote, then guess what?
The little bearded guy in all of us gets Free Pizza Fridays (or whatever it was the half-pint furball was campaigning for)!
Me? I'm supporting a measure to mandate National Awesome Awareness Day. If you don't like it (or you think there are too many government imposed holidays already), vote against it. I don't mind; it's your choice!
Majority rules in this country, bro (or sis). If you don't vote, you don't have a voice. And I don't wanna hear you complaining when the Jeff Barnes of the world pass their ballot initiative for No Pants Tuesdays.
So make yourself heard. Go to the polls and VOTE AWESOME.
Footnote:
*at least most of us do, but I'm guessing if you're reading this someplace where voting isn't allowed, you're probably not supposed to be on the Internet either. That's not awesome.
Dancing is Awesome...
October 21, 01:54 PM
Dancing is Awesome... but not on television. The sole purpose for televisions is to watch sports*, and dancing is not a sport**. Put down the remote, put on some shoes, and take the little lady out.
* and Awesome spy comedies.
** dancing fails the sequin test. If any part of the required uniform contains (or is allowed to contain) sequins, the event is not a sport. Also, dancing is disqualified due to the participation of judges and the existence of "artistic impression."
Eat Awesome
October 06, 05:48 PM
To be truly Awesome, you have to be physically Awesome, and that starts by eating right. An awesome day starts with an Awesome breakfast. Milk, an egg or two, and dry toast. Awesome can't survive on Sugary Puffs and fruit drink. Fill out the day with Awesome lunch and Awesome dinner (think: steak). Your body is a temple. Don't let the Lamestanians invade your Awesomeness and desecrate it.
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